Terrified...but I am going to give this a go

[Brapting]

I think what happened is the same quality that made her feel easy and comfortable to interact with, her bluntness and directness and fearlessness, is the same thing that became intimidating once you started putting her in a romantic context. Blunt people (I am one, now tempered a bit I hope) are easy to talk to and will talk to people who don't even give them a cue, but the down side is they are sometimes too direct for delicate souls who are easily hurt or are overanalyzing everything. They're not for everyone. You dodged a bullet here, I'm sad to say. But I believe it's because it took this strong and aggressive of a woman who would interact with you despite your fears and break through your barrrier. But then it's too strong and aggressive for you to feel confident with. Just a theory.

 

I am not too sure if this captures it. I don't think she was just being over-friendly or forward. She strikes me as quite a shy and insecure person. I had basically decided that I liked her and I enjoyed being close to her...and I made no attempt to hide it. I definitely do not act like this with everyone (there are very few people I have and do act like this with) and the difference in my behaviour compared to other colleagues should have been noticeable.

 

Similarly, I know when people are trying to flirt and get familiar with me and when they are just being friendly. She seemed to be doing the former...which is why it is so confusing that she suddenly turned on the disrespectful banter...and why she is choosing to ignore my messages on the dating app.

 

I feel it might be worth asking her out now...just so that I can experience some rejection in a controlled way.

[AspenBaldwin]

I'm a bit confused here, maybe I misread, are u a boy or a girl? No offense, just curious.

[Brapting]

I'm a bit confused here, maybe I misread, are u a boy or a girl? No offense, just curious.

 

Guy.

 

I don't (and haven't) really approached women in the past and been direct and upfront as people have encouraged. I don't want to make excuses, but before you judge, I just ask that you consider being in my shoes. An adult who has never done this. It might comparable to delivering a presentation to a hall full of people for some people. Inccidently, I have given public presentations a number of times before...it is something I find fun, challenging and exciting...but I know that many people would find it terrifying...I feel the same way with approaching women and being direct in this way.

[Brapting]

She messaged back Took 24 hours about it though!

 

Sent something back along with wishing her a happy birthday...although again, she hasn't bothered replying yet (despite being online a lot) so doesn't feel too promising.

 

I am going to ask her out. Would it be better to wait until we are face to face, or would it be fine by message?

[road]

She messaged back Took 24 hours about it though!

 

Sent something back along with wishing her a happy birthday...although again, she hasn't bothered replying yet (despite being online a lot) so doesn't feel too promising.

 

I am going to ask her out. Would it be better to wait until we are face to face, or would it be fine by message?

 

 

You know her well enough to pick up the phone and call her. Be direct and say: I was think about asking you out on a date, would you prefer a dinner, movie, dinner and a movie?

 

 

She say's yes then schedule a date right then. Is tonight to short notice, if so what night is good for you?

[Brapting]

You know her well enough to pick up the phone and call her. Be direct and say: I was think about asking you out on a date, would you prefer a dinner, movie, dinner and a movie?

 

 

She say's yes then schedule a date right then. Is tonight to short notice, if so what night is good for you?

 

Would if I had her number.

 

Probably better to do it face to face, I will ask her out for a coffee after work when I see her there. Will not message her again now unless she initiates.

[Brapting]

god I am such a fool

 

completely messed this one up. i really wanted to get her alone this week and ask her out. but she was quite distant today and I didn't really get a chance. before the end of the day she seemed to be stressing out a bit about her work. she asked if she could leave early and said bye to me.

 

when I got home I STUPIDLY messaged her on the dating app and asked if she was okay. she messaged straight back saying 'yes, all good'. I said I was worried that she had got upset with work. she said no, she just had to meet a friend and was unsure about the traffic.

 

i know that she is often online on the dating app and like a FOOL I expressed my relief before asking 'an old work friend?'.

 

...not only was it blatantly obvious what I was asking, but it was nosey and really none of my business. she did not reply and went offline.

 

well and truly messed it up

[hasaquestion]

god I am such a fool

 

completely messed this one up. i really wanted to get her alone this week and ask her out. but she was quite distant today and I didn't really get a chance. before the end of the day she seemed to be stressing out a bit about her work. she asked if she could leave early and said bye to me.

 

when I got home I STUPIDLY messaged her on the dating app and asked if she was okay. she messaged straight back saying 'yes, all good'. I said I was worried that she had got upset with work. she said no, she just had to meet a friend and was unsure about the traffic.

 

i know that she is often online on the dating app and like a FOOL I expressed my relief before asking 'an old work friend?'.

 

...not only was it blatantly obvious what I was asking, but it was nosey and really none of my business. she did not reply and went offline.

 

well and truly messed it up

 

Nah you're not messing up. You're putting yourself out there and learning on the job. This is how it goes. You think all those other guys just know exactly what to do? Keep your head up and learn from the missteps.

[Brapting]

Nah you're not messing up. You're putting yourself out there and learning on the job. This is how it goes. You think all those other guys just know exactly what to do? Keep your head up and learn from the missteps.

 

Thank you for your support and encouragement it is very much appreciated.

 

I still don't feel too great about this one. Who is the 'friend' that she would be rushing off to meet if it wasn't a guy?

 

The fact that she has chosen not to reply is a massive indicator. She is trying to shake me off right? Like there's no point in asking her out.

 

My line of questioning was fairly obvious I bet.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Brapting

[hasaquestion]

Thank you for your support and encouragement it is very much appreciated.

 

I still don't feel too great about this one. Who is the 'friend' that she would be rushing off to meet if it wasn't a guy?

 

The fact that she has chosen not to reply is a massive indicator. She is trying to shake me off right? Like there's no point in asking her out.

 

My line of questioning was fairly obvious I bet.

 

Yes it was obvious.

 

Why does it matter what she's doing? If she wants to see another dude then whatever. She can do that. If she wants to bang another dude then whatever. She's not your girlfriend. Don't be possessive of people you don't possess. And don't possess people either, there's an amendment about that.

[Brapting]

Yes it was obvious.

 

Why does it matter what she's doing? If she wants to see another dude then whatever. She can do that. If she wants to bang another dude then whatever. She's not your girlfriend. Don't be possessive of people you don't possess. And don't possess people either, there's an amendment about that.

 

Your're right. I guess I just got my hopes up. Hard to explain but it just hurts that she would reject me and go for other people...I guess that is what rejection is. I really don't like those thoughts and feelings...just want to block it out. Maybe this is why I have avoided getting involved with the whole thing for so long.

 

Do you have any advice on how I should 'be' with her now? Should I just forget about asking her out? Should I leave her for now and not try and flirt etc? I don't know why, but the thought of her coming in one day and saying that she has a new bf and chatting on about it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Like I missed out, that I am missing out and that I will continue to miss out.

 

Sorry to winge on like this.

[hasaquestion]

Your're right. I guess I just got my hopes up. Hard to explain but it just hurts that she would reject me and go for other people...I guess that is what rejection is. I really don't like those thoughts and feelings...just want to block it out. Maybe this is why I have avoided getting involved with the whole thing for so long.

 

Do you have any advice on how I should 'be' with her now. Should I just forget about asking her out? Should I leave her for now and not try and flirt etc? I don't know why, but the thought of her coming in one day and saying that she has a new bf and chatting on about it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Like I missed out, that I am missing out and that I will continue to miss out.

 

Sorry to winge on like this.

 

You didn't miss out. She missed out. Next button, please.

 

Being good with women is largely about listening. Most men who are self-proclaimed "nice guys" don't listen. They project what they want to hear or see on people and then flip out when they realize they were out of the loop all along.

[Brapting]

Thank you.

 

Being good with women is largely about listening. Most men who are self-proclaimed "nice guys" don't listen. They project what they want to hear or see on people and then flip out when they realize they were out of the loop all along.

 

Can I ask what did you mean by this bit? What do you mean by listening v projection?

[Xiomn]

I read through everything as it seemed like an interesting set of developments and I still can't believe you haven't asked her out which you should have done ages ago.

 

Just do it man, seriously, i'm begging you, I want to see the conclusion to this story and see if she rejects you or not lol.

[Brapting]

I read through everything as it seemed like an interesting set of developments and I still can't believe you haven't asked her out which you should have done ages ago.

 

Just do it man, seriously, i'm begging you, I want to see the conclusion to this story and see if she rejects you or not lol.

 

Ahhhhh. Okay. I am going to try it. We are all (us and other colleagues) confined in one office...so it is tricky. I need to do it when we are alone...maybe as I am going home. This way I can get away and lick my wounds after!

 

God I hate doing this kind of thing so much.

 

Don't mean to sound wet, but you guys will be supportive after if I post the outcome?

[hasaquestion]

Ahhhhh. Okay. I am going to try it. We are all (us and other colleagues) confined in one office...so it is tricky. I need to do it when we are alone...maybe as I am going home. This way I can get away and lick my wounds after!

 

God I hate doing this kind of thing so much.

 

Don't mean to sound wet, but you guys will be supportive after if I post the outcome?

 

*daps*

 

10char

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Ahhhhh. Okay. I am going to try it. We are all (us and other colleagues) confined in one office...so it is tricky. I need to do it when we are alone...maybe as I am going home. This way I can get away and lick my wounds after!

 

God I hate doing this kind of thing so much.

 

Don't mean to sound wet, but you guys will be supportive after if I post the outcome?

 

Of course! I agree that it is the right decision to do it face to face.

 

Good luck.

[Brapting]

Sorry guys. I still couldn't do it Today was just such a weird and awkward day. I wanted to be all chilled and relaxed after what happened with the messages, but I was so tense and a little irritated that she had chosen not to reply to me.

 

She came in to work unusually late, just like the last time that I messaged her. She said that she woke up late and again, this could have been a coincidence...but I am wondering if I am making her feel uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.

 

I basically ignored her as she came in and carried on working (because I was a little pissed). She sat at her desk and basically did the same. I noticed her glancing over a couple of times out the corner of my eye. I tried to get back to normal chatting with colleagues (while typing).

 

Out or nowhere she said she was going to help me with my piece of work (like before). I looked at her and forced a smile, but didn't say anything. She didn't come over and although we got back to chatting throughout the day, everything felt so awkward, forced and weird when compared to before. Later I called over to her to ask if she was going to come over and help me. She said she wanted to finish her own bit of work.

 

We walked out together. I had about 5 seconds to spring the question, but it was so tense. I made a few remarks about work and she laughed along. Then she said see you later, turned and walked to her car quite abruptly. There was no lingering. On top of this, she still hasn't messaged me back or even mentioned it!

 

I really don't know if it is worth asking now I admit, I am terrified, but I am also not stupid. All of this is pretty damning and if I feel sh'tty now just thinking that she has rejected me, how am I going to feel when she actually does it?

 

She talked about other things to me colleagues today. She owns her own house and has remortgaged, brought two other properties and is renting them out and she is a year younger than me! Meanwhile I am living at home. She says she sees herself with a rich man and two kids in 10 years time. I honestly thought that we were on the same level, but I am starting to realize that I am well out of my depth. I am nowhere near ready for this and it is scary to think about how messed up I am. We got along well for a time, but I think I normally come across as a little weird, shy and antisocial. I just feel so disappointed with myself at the moment. I wish I knew where to start to sort myself out.

 

Sorry to waste your time guys.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Brapting

[Xiomn]

Sorry guys. I still couldn't do it Today was just such a weird and awkward day. I wanted to be all chilled and relaxed after what happened with the messages, but I was so tense and a little irritated that she had chosen not to reply to me.

 

She came in to work unusually late, just like the last time that I messaged her. She said that she woke up late and again, this could have been a coincidence...but I am wondering if I am making her feel uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.

 

I basically ignored her as she came in and carried on working (because I was a little pissed). She sat at her desk and basically did the same. I noticed her glancing over a couple of times out the corner of my eye. I tried to get back to normal chatting with colleagues (while typing).

 

Out or nowhere she said she was going to help me with my piece of work (like before). I looked at her and forced a smile, but didn't say anything. She didn't come over and although we got back to chatting throughout the day, everything felt so awkward, forced and weird when compared to before. Later I called over to her to ask if she was going to come over and help me. She said she wanted to finish her own bit of work.

 

We walked out together. I had about 5 seconds to spring the question, but it was so tense. I made a few remarks about work and she laughed along. Then she said see you later, turned and walked to her car quite abruptly. There was no lingering. On top of this, she still hasn't messaged me back or even mentioned it!

 

I really don't know if it is worth asking now I admit, I am terrified, but I am also not stupid. All of this is pretty damning and if I feel sh'tty now just thinking that she has rejected me, how am I going to feel when she actually does it?

 

She talked about other things to me colleagues today. She owns her own house and has remortgaged, brought two other properties and is renting them out and she is a year younger than me! Meanwhile I am living at home. She says she sees herself with a rich man and two kids in 10 years time. I honestly thought that we were on the same level, but I am starting to realize that I am well out of my depth. I am nowhere near ready for this and it is scary to think about how messed up I am. We got along well for a time, but I think I normally come across as a little weird, shy and antisocial. I just feel so disappointed with myself at the moment. I wish I knew where to start to sort myself out.

 

Sorry to waste your time guys.

 

You might have had a chance if you had asked ages ago in my opinion, instead you seemed to have made things more awkward than there needs to be, she probably knows you like her and want to ask her out and that may be why it's awkward because she was waiting on you all this time to do it and you didn't perform, who knows. You have confidence issues in my opinion, you can't seem to bring it up to ask her and you say she is out of your depth but the thing is you will never know if you don't ask her and you might be surprised if she says yes to going out on a date with you. If not then your mind will finally be at rest knowing the answer and since it's already awkward by your estimation then what worse can be done if a little more awkwardness is added to the equation.

 

I believed in you man. )':

Edited December 30, 2015 by Xiomn

[Brapting]

You might have had a chance if you had asked ages ago in my opinion, instead you seemed to have made things more awkward than there needs to be, she probably knows you like her and want to ask her out and that may be why it's awkward because she was waiting on you all this time to do it and you didn't perform, who knows. You have confidence issues in my opinion, you can't seem to bring it up to ask her and you say she is out of your depth but the thing is you will never know if you don't ask her and you might be surprised if she says yes to going out on a date with you. If not then your mind will finally be at rest knowing the answer and since it's already awkward by your estimation then what worse can be done if a little more awkwardness is added to the equation.

 

I believed in you man. )':

 

Thank you bro. I am really sorry to draw this out and mess people about.

 

How do I even bring it up? Our chat has just been so superficial and brief the last couple of days and the office is really busy. It sucks.

 

Can I just say...of the blue..."can I ask you something?..."

[Xiomn]

Thank you bro. I am really sorry to draw this out and mess people about.

 

How do I even bring it up? Our chat has just been so superficial and brief the last couple of days and the office is really busy. It sucks.

 

Can I just say...of the blue..."can I ask you something?..."

 

I would just go into work and go up to her ask casually how she's doing today or whatever as colleagues at work probably do anyway (and to just get normal conversation flow going so you're not just rushing in and asking her straight off the bat randomly)

 

I wouldn't say "can i ask you something" as that usually makes people enter panic mode as to what the person is going to ask (they might think something bad is about to happen for example)

 

After you've asked her how she's doing and she has responded then proceed to say something along the lines of fancy getting together for a drink sometime?

 

Hopefully she'll know what your intentions are in that you're looking to date her, this might not be as obvious though since you work together, you don't want to make it come across as casual colleague getting together for a drink after work kind of situation.

 

Normally I use the line "Hey I think you're pretty cute and I was wondering If I could get your number?" then proceed to text them to set up a date. But usually i'd only use this line when asking out a complete stranger across the bar or something so I think my suggestion above might play well a bit better than that.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Xiomn

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry guys. I still couldn't do it Today was just such a weird and awkward day. I wanted to be all chilled and relaxed after what happened with the messages, but I was so tense and a little irritated that she had chosen not to reply to me.

 

She came in to work unusually late, just like the last time that I messaged her. She said that she woke up late and again, this could have been a coincidence...but I am wondering if I am making her feel uncomfortable. I don't want to do that.

 

I basically ignored her as she came in and carried on working (because I was a little pissed). She sat at her desk and basically did the same. I noticed her glancing over a couple of times out the corner of my eye. I tried to get back to normal chatting with colleagues (while typing).

 

Out or nowhere she said she was going to help me with my piece of work (like before). I looked at her and forced a smile, but didn't say anything. She didn't come over and although we got back to chatting throughout the day, everything felt so awkward, forced and weird when compared to before. Later I called over to her to ask if she was going to come over and help me. She said she wanted to finish her own bit of work.

 

We walked out together. I had about 5 seconds to spring the question, but it was so tense. I made a few remarks about work and she laughed along. Then she said see you later, turned and walked to her car quite abruptly. There was no lingering. On top of this, she still hasn't messaged me back or even mentioned it!

 

I really don't know if it is worth asking now I admit, I am terrified, but I am also not stupid. All of this is pretty damning and if I feel sh'tty now just thinking that she has rejected me, how am I going to feel when she actually does it?

 

She talked about other things to me colleagues today. She owns her own house and has remortgaged, brought two other properties and is renting them out and she is a year younger than me! Meanwhile I am living at home. She says she sees herself with a rich man and two kids in 10 years time. I honestly thought that we were on the same level, but I am starting to realize that I am well out of my depth. I am nowhere near ready for this and it is scary to think about how messed up I am. We got along well for a time, but I think I normally come across as a little weird, shy and antisocial. I just feel so disappointed with myself at the moment. I wish I knew where to start to sort myself out.

 

Sorry to waste your time guys.

 

You did the right thing, the timing wasn't right. If you still want to go ahead and ask her out then pick the right moment when it feels natural.

 

Maybe start out with something simple and easy going like, "Hey, would you like to grab a coffee". That way you can spend time together without all the pressure.

 

Just an idea.

[Brapting]

You did the right thing, the timing wasn't right...

 

...all the pressure.

 

Just an idea.

 

Thank you Scarlett. It feels like you have hit the nail on the head. I am by no means trying to explain away and justify my own fears and insecurities. I am without doubt terrified and scared...I do not disagree with that at all. But I really do not see any point in asking her if things have already taken a turn for the worst. Why would a weight lifter add more weights when they have already failed to lift the dumbell?

 

I agree that the time may have been right a couple of weeks ago, but I failed to spot it in time. All this talk of asking her out has just heaped the pressure higher and higher and higher. Please do not forget that I have never done this before and I am not a cocky, happy go lucky, talkative guy. I am quite shy and reserved with many issues going on (including my own self confidence). Things have become so awkward and tense in the last few days...that asking her would be like a mute suddenly approaching her and blurting out 'do you want to get a coffee?'. I fail to see how this will benefit the situation or add to my own development.

 

I think I need to step back and mentally write the whole thing off. I want to resign myself to the fact that I am not going to ask her to out...partly because I am scared, but largely because I simply cannot function with it hanging over my head. I am convinced that part of the reason that we were getting on so well was that I had not thought to spring it on her. I just want to relax and talk with her properly and worrying about when I can ask the question is just making things 100 times worse. It is quite simply killing it.

 

If we get back to the stage where I suddenly realize that I can ask her naturally. then great, I will do it and I am sure that I will feel a lot more comfortable about it too. If not, then I am going to prepare myself for what this means.

 

I do think that this has been a great learning experience. For one, I am so insecure. I can almost feel it bleeding out of me when I talk to people. A large part of this is my lack of friends and my home situation (still with my parents). For the first time in a long time, I want to look into moving out and take control of the situation. Not because I think it will curry favor with this woman, or others (although I am sure it will help)...but because I feel so terrible about it. I hate admitting it to people and even if they are indifferent or nonjudgemental about it, I do not like the situation and it is negatively effecting me.

 

Secondly, I want to speak to more women. This lady was great and I actually thing that we are perfectly suited for various reasons which I will not discuss here (but I cannot seem to express myself or communicate it properly). If one woman is like this, how many thousands are out there that could be the same, if not better?! I feel I would have been a lot more comfortable and easygoing in popping the question if I was courting other women...as it would not be an all or nothing thing. But first thing is first, I need my own place.

 

I also want to say a massive thank you for everyone that has commented on this thread. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am that people would bother to reply to me. I know I must come across as needy and wet...but you guys made the choice to be supportive and it really means the world to someone like me. I really hope that you will keep posting and offering your thoughts if you catch a moment.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Brapting

[hasaquestion]

No problem big guy. Sending you a PM.

 

Can I ask what did you mean by this bit? What do you mean by listening v projection?

 

What I mean is that you don't get to decide whether or not she wants you.

 

Some guys are too insecure to accept that she might not, so they never risk finding that out. They deliberately gloss over negative signals and don't put themselves out there to get the positive ones.

 

Flirting isn't about making someone interested so much as its about finding out whether or not they are interested.

 

And finding out takes paying attention to body language, hints, cues, etc. If she isn't, she'll tell you without explicitly saying it. Don't hang around waiting for her to say "I am/am not interested in romantic relations with you".

[Brapting]

You know today...couple of managers came into the office an hour before we were going to leave, before I was going to try and spring something.

 

Both are mouthy. As one of them walked past her, I saw her look at his backside before she leaned back behind her monitor to apply lip balm. She then switched between chatting away to him and working, teasing him a bit while I sat in silence.

 

The managers even dished out a bit of teasing to me while I worked. She expressed her sympathy by saying "ohhhhh". Maybe over-analyzing, but I thought sympathy...is that all I am worth.

 

Just tore me up.

 

Sorry guys...I need a bit of time. Feel a little sick.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Brapting