Velveteen Jared Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 In this case it is the other girlfriend. I have found messages between my wife and another man. He has been dating (from what I gather from the messages) a woman for almost a year, but in the messages he has spoken very poorly about her, saying she is fat, ugly, unattractive, stupid etc. compared to my wife. I feel like this woman should know about this but I don't want to act too quickly or irrationally. Any advice would be much appreciated. Please see my other posts for background. Thanks.
Midwestmissy Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Today. You tell her today. If she were an ogre, he would left her. He's using a very old and worn out playbook on your partner - oh pity me. He's a pig and she needs to know, I wish the the other husband had told me - a year earlier than I knew. Good luck. 3
Friskyone4u Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I assume you know who she is and how to reach her. Here is what you do not do. You DO NOT tell your wife a word about what you are doing. If possible call the other woman at work or when he is at work . If you send something to FB he may see it She may not believe you so have some concrete and specific information like copies of the communication And then wait for your wife's reaction and see if she is more interested in her boyfriends troubles than your pain If I were you I would also install a VAR in her car and you will find out in less than24 hours what really is going on Your wife will probably try to make you think you are crazy Don't buy it . Demand the truth 1
katielee Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 for sure don't tell your wife you're going to let his GF know... 2
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 First off, you need to make sure you are providing the other girlfriend actual facts, not just "stuff you think". Just be clear that this is the texting info between your WW and the OM. However don't wait if you have anything that is inappropriate. I wish people had the nerve to come and tell me stuff that they knew years before I had to discover it for myself. This girlfriend may not believe you, but all you can do is provide her with the information and let her figure out what she wants to do with it. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Bear in mind that spouses almost always will believe their spouse over a random person they don't know. If you're going to inform her, do it face-to-face and bring evidence that can't be disputed. I would consider asking her to partner with you in discovering if there is more than meets the eye in this situation. But bear in mind that her urge to confront her BF may be overwhelming and she may very well tip your hand before you've got any evidence of a more advanced affair. If I were you, I'd get a voice activated recorder and velcro it under your wife's steering column. You get better reception than under a seat and no one looks under there. Just be sure to cover any lights that may draw attention at night. VARs are cheap and it's common for affair partners to talk on the way to and from work. 1
oldshirt Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 What the others have said. Do it now but don't let your wife or her BF know. Just do it. But do have solid evidence in your hand such as email print offs, txt messages, VAR recordings, pictures etc or she won't believe you. 3
Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Just read your other posts...NO, you shouldn't contact the gf! You need to take care of this with your wife, as of righ now she has been speaking with a coworker, they're mental health care & speaking about her life, it's really no different than a construction worker speaking about a building, that's what they do for a living!!! So now without knowing what's going on yourself you're going to hurt the gf's feelings & when she asks you well are they sleeping together, how are you going to answer back? You'll sound like a teenage idiot. This will all turn on you bc of their field. Tell your wife you just don't like it & if she needs to talk to please speak with a female coworker. 2
Furious Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 In this case it is the other girlfriend. I have found messages between my wife and another man. He has been dating (from what I gather from the messages) a woman for almost a year, but in the messages he has spoken very poorly about her, saying she is fat, ugly, unattractive, stupid etc. compared to my wife. I feel like this woman should know about this but I don't want to act too quickly or irrationally. Any advice would be much appreciated. Please see my other posts for background. Thanks. I'd hold off on informing the girlfriend. Think with your mind and not your emotions at this point. Take a deep breath and refocus on yourself and how to best move forward in your own best interest. Gently...you're accepting being a doormat and telling on the OM is not going to save your marriage,. You've read how your wife speaks ill of you, you've read how ill OM speaks of his girlfriend. It's probably the tip of the iceberg and most likely there is more yet to be uncovered. You have enough proof to trust you gut. Is it enough proof that your wife can deny or minimize is the big question. Chances are, solid proof and laying low, may be the best option in the meantime to back up what your gut already knows. It takes two to save a marriage, you can't do alone and often letting go of a marriage is the best chance of maybe saving it. At this point, I advise you to save yourself, save your sanity, save your self respect before even attempting to save your marriage. See a lawyer, get your ducks in order, realize you are worthy of respect and it starts by giving it yourself first. PS...the OM is a douche...seriously if a guy can't break up with a girlfriend who he says is fat and ugly and chases after a married woman is not a great catch.
ladydesigner Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Just read your other posts...NO, you shouldn't contact the gf! You need to take care of this with your wife, as of righ now she has been speaking with a coworker, they're mental health care & speaking about her life, it's really no different than a construction worker speaking about a building, that's what they do for a living!!! So now without knowing what's going on yourself you're going to hurt the gf's feelings & when she asks you well are they sleeping together, how are you going to answer back? You'll sound like a teenage idiot. This will all turn on you bc of their field. Tell your wife you just don't like it & if she needs to talk to please speak with a female coworker. I disagree. This doesn't work if the WS is lying, hence why the comparison of notes and both BS being on board to shed light on the ugly act. 2
Furious Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I'd hold off on informing the girlfriend. Think with your mind and not your emotions at this point. Take a deep breath and refocus on yourself and how to best move forward in your own best interest. Gently...you're accepting being a doormat and telling on the OM is not going to save your marriage,. You've read how your wife speaks ill of you, you've read how ill OM speaks of his girlfriend. It's probably the tip of the iceberg and most likely there is more yet to be uncovered. You have enough proof to trust you gut. Is it enough proof that your wife can deny or minimize is the big question. Chances are, solid proof and laying low, may be the best option in the meantime to back up what your gut already knows. It takes two to save a marriage, you can't do alone and often letting go of a marriage is the best chance of maybe saving it. At this point, I advise you to save yourself, save your sanity, save your self respect before even attempting to save your marriage. See a lawyer, get your ducks in order, realize you are worthy of respect and it starts by giving it yourself first. PS...the OM is a douche...seriously if a guy can't break up with a girlfriend who he says is fat and ugly and chases after a married woman is not a great catch. Just want to add, informing the girlfriend should only be done if you have solid proof and you're doing so only out of a sense of decency and not out of spite. 3
Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 They're therapists, it's normal in that setting to be very open (even with someone that's the opposite sex) they're whole job is to be open & try to fix things. They also go by confidentially, what would seem "weird" in a normal setting is their normal. You don't go contacting someone else when you yourself don't know what's going on, it's immature...& not only that,'it could really start problems at her work. He needs to talk to his wife like a man, not calling people without knowing what's going on like a teenage child. Their job makes this completely different than a "regular" situation. If she were a MD & telling a male coworker about a problem with her vagina would that be weird? No, but it would be if she wasn't a MD, see the difference? 1
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 They're therapists, it's normal in that setting to be very open (even with someone that's the opposite sex) they're whole job is to be open & try to fix things. They also go by confidentially, what would seem "weird" in a normal setting is their normal. You don't go contacting someone else when you yourself don't know what's going on, it's immature...& not only that,'it could really start problems at her work. He needs to talk to his wife like a man, not calling people without knowing what's going on like a teenage child. Their job makes this completely different than a "regular" situation. If she were a MD & telling a male coworker about a problem with her vagina would that be weird? No, but it would be if she wasn't a MD, see the difference? No. You're looking at them communicating as therapists in total isolation. Devoid from all the other issues the OP has noticed going on in his relationship. If they were talking about cases and patients, then I would totally agree with you. But the conversations have not been about that at all. They're about their spouses, doing things together, the feelings they have for each other. Those types of discussions have nothing to do with them being therapists and everything to do with then being a man and a woman who are entering a grey area of appropriate. 4
Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 No. You're looking at them communicating as therapists in total isolation. Devoid from all the other issues the OP has noticed going on in his relationship. If they were talking about cases and patients, then I would totally agree with you. But the conversations have not been about that at all. They're about their spouses, doing things together, the feelings they have for each other. Those types of discussions have nothing to do with them being therapists and everything to do with then being a man and a woman who are entering a grey area of appropriate. He NEVER once in any of his posts say they talked about feelings for each other. This is the problem with giving advice & assuming more than what the person actually wrote. He also stated in a previous post that he has felt like he's losing her for two years but can't find anything on her phone. He's looking for reasons to be insecure & not speaking with her. Right now, you have two therapists talking about their relationships & likes, that's all! So instead of him going to the w he's running behind her back & spying on her & now going to calm another woman & bring her into a mess he's partly causing bc he can't speak to his own wife? He's going to make a complete fool of himself! 1
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 He NEVER once in any of his posts say they talked about feelings for each other. I'm pretty sure this is the same guy at the Christmas party who was drunk telling the OP how beautiful his wife was, how he wished he was him, etc. With this and all the other communication about how his relationship isn't great, and his GF is ugly compared to this guy's wife, you don't need a road map to see the signs as to where this is going. None of any of that stuff has anything to do with them being "doctors". 4
Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I'm pretty sure this is the same guy at the Christmas party who was drunk telling the OP how beautiful his wife was, how he wished he was him, etc. With this and all the other communication about how his relationship isn't great, and his GF is ugly compared to this guy's wife, you don't need a road map to see the signs as to where this is going. None of any of that stuff has anything to do with them being "doctors". Men tell my husband that a lot & im one that talks to everyone about everything, you can put me in a room with a complete stranger & they'll tell me their deepest darkest secrets in less than hour. It doesn't mean anything that's my personality. They do this for a living so I'm sure it's even easier to open up with a coworker. None of this equals an A. He would have posted if they were speaking about feelings for each other & he didn't. As of right now you have a insecure H looking for reasons bc he's not comfortable in the marriage for two years.he obviously has a problem opening up or he would have spoken to her by now. Until he speaks to her, he's just causing problems for himself & it's not a mature way to handle this. He has no proof of anything & he's going to call some innocent woman & say your BF called you fat to my W...with nothing else to go on except they're emails talked about her love for rock climbing. He'll look like a crazy, insecure weirdo. He may even push them closer by calling the GF at this point bc at this point it's completely unjustified. He's repeating a private conversation that had no romantic or sexually based talk going on at all. 1
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Men tell my husband that a lot & im one that talks to everyone about everything, you can put me in a room with a complete stranger & they'll tell me their deepest darkest secrets in less than hour. It doesn't mean anything that's my personality. They do this for a living so I'm sure it's even easier to open up with a coworker. None of this equals an A. He would have posted if they were speaking about feelings for each other & he didn't. As of right now you have a insecure H looking for reasons bc he's not comfortable in the marriage for two years.he obviously has a problem opening up or he would have spoken to her by now. Until he speaks to her, he's just causing problems for himself & it's not a mature way to handle this. He has no proof of anything & he's going to call some innocent woman & say your BF called you fat to my W...with nothing else to go on except they're emails talked about her love for rock climbing. He'll look like a crazy, insecure weirdo. He may even push them closer by calling the GF at this point bc at this point it's completely unjustified. He's repeating a private conversation that had no romantic or sexually based talk going on at all. I think what we can both agree on is that he should be talking to his wife. Communication seems to be lacking and there are some things that are very unclear. 5
66Charger Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 People should read your other threads first. It doesnt appear she has crossed to the dark side, even though he may want to. You have been searching and spying for months and have come up with very little. You dont know enough to say anything to the gf except that her BF calls her fat. You dont have proof of a EA and if anything, he may be grooming your wife, but she backed away. Search, but dont create unnecessary drama. And take a good look at yourself. 2
road Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I'm pretty sure this is the same guy at the Christmas party who was drunk telling the OP how beautiful his wife was, how he wished he was him, etc. With this and all the other communication about how his relationship isn't great, and his GF is ugly compared to this guy's wife, you don't need a road map to see the signs as to where this is going. None of any of that stuff has anything to do with them being "doctors". Some people could not see a road braille road map.
minimariah Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 unpopular opinion - if i were you, i'd seriously start thinking about divorce. you wrote in one of your previous threads that you're sure that your wife doesn't love you - it can only go down from there. sweetheart... when you get to the point that you feel like you're going mad with doubts and suspicions - it's done. you have more than enough proof to understand tbat they're probably already having at least an EA. you don't have to wait for a black & white proof that so many BS do - you can leave right niw because you're NOT happy in this relationship. & i wouldn't tell the other girlfriend. not your business, you don't know her, you don't know what or how much she already knows and you don't know what will she do if and when she finds out. it's for the best to leave it alone.
merrmeade Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 People should read your other threads first. It doesnt appear she has crossed to the dark side, even though he may want to. You have been searching and spying for months and have come up with very little. You dont know enough to say anything to the gf except that her BF calls her fat. You dont have proof of a EA and if anything, he may be grooming your wife, but she backed away. Search, but dont create unnecessary drama. And take a good look at yourself. And besides this thread, #3, if you read #2 and #1, be sure to read about his court-mandated violence prevention program, history of abuse and wife's enabling behavior. Starting with #1, note that he creates a typical scenario declaring his (dependent and possessive) love for her and worrisome but vague suspicions and then right away (this was responsible) explains the abuse element of their history. Be sure to read this very, very weird 'evidence' that she programmed him to be violent: "She likes to see me angry and even read to me a passage in a book about a woman who would get her husband drunk then anger him so he would abuse her. He would have no memory of it the next day but she would have the bruises and show them about town claiming the victim ... and I can't help but wonder was this all her doing?" Then, read posters' inane responses, e.g.: "The abuse part was important as it definitely will drive people away." Here's my favorite: "Jeez, I would kill to have a husband who loved me so much (minus the abusuve part). It's always cold women who get these men." [please tell me she was being facetious] And a few actually blaming the wife and encouraging thinking: "Sorry to say, but I think you wife needs some sort of counseling, but I suspect that might not help. Over the years I have met a few like her." Then read the second thread in which OP actually considers the possibility that his wife has controlled and guided his behavior toward abuse. She made him read a book to her with this theme. She made him drink. (This whole passage was just plain WEIRD and worthy of referral imo.) From #1 he seems to think that passing out drunk so you don't remember anything is more proof of his innocence and possible manipulation toward the abuse. Then read about domestic violence. OP's doesn't throw out huge red flags vis-a-vis personality—authoritarian, controlling, manly pride (or pride at ability to control wife)etc.—but studies show state of the marriage is actually the biggest factor in the DEGREE of violence and the woman's willingness to tolerate more abuse." Yes, he's been in a program and says all the right things. Yes, he should be encouraged to restrain himself and react appropriately. But, NO, HE SHOULD NOT be encouraged to pursue his suspicions. ESPECIALLY considering the lack of awareness he's showing about this aspect of their relationship and himself. OP: PLEASE TALK to your therapist (and please tell me you have one), perhaps your probation officer (if he has any intelligence and sensitivity). I think your cluelessness is genuine and you need help. 2
66Charger Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Here here. The problem apears to be you. 1
merrmeade Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Sorry, some repetition in previous post - in case it doesn't make sense
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