Miscarriage Depression and Cheating

[krjc88]

Recently me and my partner suffered a miscarriage ( April ) we both were completely devastated we talked about it but both became distant i would sit in the room and my partner would be in the other room. Me being a guy i tried to push it to the back of my mind and got straight back into work and was working away for 4 days at a time leaving my partner in our home, I never knew how badly she had took this. our problems started at the end of May when we would argue over little things and by June we were breaking up and getting back together multiply times this continued until July when we had broken up again and she had called her mum to come and pick her and take some stuff and move back in with her. This is when it hit me that i had lost her.

 

I managed to met her before her mum came down and pleaded with her to give us another chance i spilled my heart out to her but she had no emotion and left. later on that night she called asking me to come over to her ,mums which i did do we had a talk about our future and wanted to make it work. but over the coming months she started a new job and everything felt right ( for me ) October came and we had a few arguments and she decided to move back in with her mum claiming she wanted some space to find herself and give us a short break which i agreed to for her . I didnt want a break but decided that was something she needed with the pressure at work and at home.

 

That night she had cheated on me with someone from work she invited him up to her mums at 2am for a chat and drink which lead to her cheating. Her mum walked in on her and shouted and threatend to tell me or she would. she came home the next day and told me what happened . At first she admitted to kissing and doing some other stuff but was adamant she never had sex. she said she felt embarrassed and was disgusted with herself and regretted what had happened .

 

The next day i went over to her mums and told her what she had said and her mum said she did have sex so that night i confronted her and she admitted the truth that she had sex with him and said she couldnt admit it to herself never mind me .

 

After talking about her depression and the miscarriage she explained she felt like a different person with no emotions and blamed herself for what had happened . we decided to make a go of it again and 1 week later she said she was going to her friends for a drink and to have a chat with her. Turned out this was someone else from her office she claims she had sex for 30 secs and stopped because she knew it was wrong .

 

i didnt find out about this until a few weeks later when i confronted her . She said it was a drunken mistake and wanted to be with me so again we decided to give it another go. I told her to delete His number and the other guys number and have no more contact outside of work which she did do.

 

She went to a counciling and started to deal with her issues for depression and lying . things were looking up after a few weeks .

 

Then i got a bomb shell out of the blue. a parcel got sent to me with a letter inside saying i have been seening your partner for the last 3 months with her clothes . She ended thing with this other guy end of September and he had seen her post a pic of us on social media and was angry and sent this to me. she had told him she was single and seen him about 10 times at his while telling me she was at her mums and when i was working away he was down in my flat twice . She said he was more messed up than her and he had some crazy issues with split personailty and mental health issues and she said the attraction was because he had bigger problems than her.

 

So again we talked about it and because it was in the past i decided to try and move on again. everthing was going great with us until her xmas night out. one of the guys she had cheated on me with had called and txt her saying to come back to his hotel room .

 

She was sleeping next to me in our hotel and i checked her mobile. there was a few flirty txts on it saying she wished she was in his hotel room and that he looked good on the night out . I had left the next morning from the hotel and told her it was over . once i got home i was concerned about her as no 1 had heard from her . turns out she went to his hotel just as he was checking out and went back to his house for about 2hr and went to sleep. she claims nothing happened as she was hungover and tired . I said she could of went to her mums but she knew i would of called her mum and didnt want to go back there to be shouted at On the phone i was angry shouting at her telling her how long has she been cheating on me she swears she has not been seening him but did admit about a month ago he gave her a run home from work one night and she had sex with him in his car .

 

I packed her her case and was throwning her out when she begged me to not to end things , Now this girl was so perfect for the last 6yrs and this all started a month after the miscarriage she has completly changed . She now says she wants to do what ever it takes to make a fresh start with me and will do anything .

 

I told her to quit her job , delete all people from her work off social media and to get a new mobile number and suggested relationship counciling which she has agreed to do.

 

The only reason i am still here is because this is so out of character and it all started when she suffered the miscarriage back in April 2015 until now.

 

This my story and looking for help and advice . I truly love this girl and dont want to give up on her . She wants to make us work and will do anything now she got the shock when i packed her suitcase and she understands i am ready to walk away so my question is this

 

 

She is suffering from depression and claims she feels worthless and emotionless do i get her the help she needs and try and move past what she has done or is there to much water under the bridge and decide to let her go and move on with my life ?

 

Thanks for reading my story

 

Kyle

[Clay]

Why stay with her? Do you really think after she gets help this will stop? I spent ten years trying to help my xW. Its been over 8 years since our divorce and she is still out cheating on guys.

 

If I was you I would start focusing on you and let her deal with her own problems. If you don't start to take a step back then your just going to continue to excuse her horrible choices because of her problems.

 

Good luck.

 

C

[krjc88]

Hi Clay thanks for the message . We were fine for the first 6 yrs yes we had some ups and downs like any relationship but cheating was never a issue with us as we were both happy . this only started since we lost our baby in April and she has changed as a person being dishonest not just with me but her family. i honestly dont know what to do she has slept with 3 different people in 8 months and she states she is depressed under pressure at work and at home and i think its pushed her over the edge . I am happy to end it if the relationship is truly gone but if there is anychance she can prove to me and herself that she can change and get back to her old self then would you give it 1 last go knowing that she is leaving her job changing her number and showing me she wants to change . Or from a outsiders point of view just give up and cut all contact with her ?

 

thanks again Clay

[Clay]

I suggest you cut all contact and move on with your life. Honestly after what you have been through you yourself will need some counceling as well. Its hard really seeing things for what they are when your so close. She could have done anything other than cheat on you. She chose that path. You could have did the same thing she did. Do you think she would have stuck around with you knowing you had sex with other women? I seriously doubt it.

 

Its time to take care of you.

 

C

[aliveagain]

It doesn't sound like your married, 3 men in 8 months is really messed up. If she cheats on you before marriage she will cheat on you after your married.Your still in love with who she was but that person is gone, this is your new reality. My suggestion to you is to get her into independent counselling, let her do the work to find out what is broken in her then decide if being together is still what you want. Her mother actually walked in on them having sex?

[krjc88]

she started cheating on my from june till the end of sept with some 1 called it off . then when we she needed space i gave it to her and that night called a guy from her work to come round to talk and then cheated on me . told me she hated herself for it . i didnt know about the 1st guy at this point gave her a 2nd chance and 1 week later went to her friends house who turned out to be another guy from work . found out about that about 2 or 3 weeks later swore it was a drunken mistake and stopped after 30 sec of getting it on . then 6 weeks later slept with the same guy in his car as he was dropping her from work , and found out on saturday that she has been txting him . And yes her mum walked in on her . shes due home in 10 min wanting me to forgive her and move on . its amazing writing this down and reading it back think the answer is easy time to close this chapater

[Bryanp]

Get tested for STD's.

She has been cheating behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's.

She has shown complete disrespect and contempt for you and your relationship. She has constantly played you for a fool. If you stay with her then she would indeed be correct. Have some respect for yourself.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[lolablue17]

The fact that you know about the recent cheating, doesn't mean it didn't happen before.

 

I wouldn't be so sure that it. It's not only the cheating. It also the lying. She lied to you so many times, Why would you stay with a liar? You know, I don't lie to my wife, to my children, to my friends, even when i'm extremely depressed.

 

When did you get this theory of people who suffer from depression, become pathological liars?

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. The loss of a baby is so traumatic. You don't need to answer this 'out loud'...is there anything in the circumstances that could have HER blaming you? (subconsciously even?)

 

Has she seen a psychologist since your baby died? Some people do some VERY extreme things when in mental agony. Did you talk about trying for another baby before all this started?

 

I understand most people's responses, I really do. This is an infidelity forum!

 

If this is drinking & "self medicating" with a bit of 'rough' I agree, you should run for the hills but if she's having some kind of mental breakdown whilst mourning she could need professional help.

 

Only you know what you can live with. I'm not saying that you should stay together but if she's so so very different she could be helped...then you can leave/stay.

[Darren Steez]

She cheated you stayed, she cheated again, you stayed....

 

It becomes a pattern. Yes it's sad you lost a baby but at the end of the day enough has to be enough. Your duty of care now has to be taking care of yourself because staying around trying to "fix" her is only getting you this grief.

 

She has to want to change. She has to want the help. I understand the depression, but I also understand it takes concious choice to go from your room to his room the back to his house. It takes concious choice to say to another man, I'm not with my boyfriend, I want to sleep with you.

 

She's begging for a chance because it seems the only place she has to go is her mum's is that right? I'm betting her mum won't be putting up with her nonsense after what she did, so yes she's begging for a chance because she has no where else to go and because she's cheated now what? three times and you're still around trying to fix her and saying the tried and tested "I don't want to give up on her"

 

Take that statement..I don't want to give up on her. She's cheated three times and you're not giving up, what exactly does she have to do for you to give up and say enough is enough?

 

I understand the statement because it becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy where as more time goes on it becomes a battle of attrition where you feel you have no choice but to stay and fight even though it's clear there is nothing to fight for.

 

Also there might be the real fear that if you let her go she's just going to run to one of these guys and rekindle the relationship again.

 

At some point you have to let go. If she wants this relationship then she has to prove it, it's not you that has to not want to give up, it should be her. it should be her going to get professional help if she does have depression. It has to be her that does the hard work to make you feel safe.

 

Again she's telling you that she hated the sex and all that, and yet is running down to meet the guy and going to his house? Does that add up to you?

 

Boot her out and tell her to get help. Only her actions will determine how you should move forward not promises because if you keep letting her back, she'll keep cheating and cheating.

[sandylee1]

Loosing a child is indeed devastating.. but it's not routine to start cheating as a result. We all face difficult times in life and if this is how she copes..... you should prepare yourself to be cheated on time and time again.

 

What will happen if she looses a family member? More cheating.

 

You don't need this in your life. It's sad it's ended like this.. I think there were more than 3 guys... but 3 is enough to deal with.

[anika99]

The bottom line is that she is not remorseful for cheating. Every time you catch her she gives you a little song and dance but then she turns around and does it again. The last episode when you confronted her about her flirty texts to some guy and left her in the hotel, instead of concerning herself with your pain and suspicions, what did she do? The moment you were out the door she went running to that guys hotel room and then went home with him! If she had the least bit of remorse, if she had one iota of respect for you or the relationship, there is no way in hell she would have run to that guy. I don't believe for a minute that she only slept at his house. He already screwed her in his car and when he took her home he was expecting some booty. He didn't take her home for a nap. Don't be blind.

 

It doesn't matter that she didn't cheat for 6 yrs (are you sure about that?), that's was then and this is now, and now it seems she can't get enough off other men. It doesn't matter what caused this shift fin her personality because you can't fix it. If a man came home from war and started beating his wife due to ptsd, should the wife stay and be beaten because the man has a legitimate mental health issue?

[fellini]

It doesn't matter that she didn't cheat for 6 yrs (are you sure about that?), that's was then and this is now, and now it seems she can't get enough off other men. It doesn't matter what caused this shift fin her personality because you can't fix it. If a man came home from war and started beating his wife due to ptsd, should the wife stay and be beaten because the man has a legitimate mental health issue?

 

 

Actually, it does matter. If he says the first 6 years have been great, then it matters that a) she wasn't cheating and b) that those feelings that he was experiencing being married for 6 years were AUTHENTIC, and he can rely on them and c) answers the question of whether his WW has had a genuine rupture in her life which can explain (not justify) her sudden change. i.e. she has a chance to recover her previous self or if she has a personality disorder and can never live and authentic married life, and never has.

 

OP, I was married for 16 years before my wife cheated. I know she didn't cheat, and I don't need to go back through 16 years of marriage to drive myself crazy over every single week on record. Trust you senses that things clearly changed and this was the catalyst for her. I know she didn't cheat. If you feel that way too, it is probably correct. People have a phrase they love to use here in LS when someone says they "think" their spouse is cheating: "Trust your instincts". Well knowing that your spouse was faithful for 6 years goes way beyond instinct, so you can probably trust them.

 

Now to that horrible PTSD analogy! WOW. REALLY?

 

Actually, if a man returns home with PTSD and no one KNOWS THIS AT THE TIME until he starts to beat his wife, then YES, she could think about not abandoning the marriage and getting him the help he needs to recover. But no, if the wife KNOWS in ADVANCE that he has PTSD and is coming home to BEAT HER and is going to refuse any form of treatment, then she needs to run and hide.

 

So how has your weak analogy helped, rather than confused, OP?

Isn't it the OP who has PTSD and not his wife? So what do we do if BOTH are suffering from a mental disorder currently?

Edited December 23, 2015 by fellini

[sandylee1]

I think it's quite a good analogy actually. Just because there may be a valid reason for the change. ... doesn't mean you tolerate bad and hurtful behaviour REPEATEDLY.... that's just abusive.

 

She knows it's wrong and it's great to see a parent with morals in this situation ... not those who welcome the OW/OM and cover up affairs.

 

Well done to her mum.

[anika99]

Actually, it does matter. If he says the first 6 years have been great, then it matters that a) she wasn't cheating and b) that those feelings that he was experiencing being married for 6 years were AUTHENTIC, and he can rely on them and c) answers the question of whether his WW has had a genuine rupture in her life which can explain (not justify) her sudden change. i.e. she has a chance to recover her previous self or if she has a personality disorder and can never live and authentic married life, and never has.

 

OP, I was married for 16 years before my wife cheated. I know she didn't cheat, and I don't need to go back through 16 years of marriage to drive myself crazy over every single week on record. Trust you senses that things clearly changed and this was the catalyst for her. I know she didn't cheat. If you feel that way too, it is probably correct. People have a phrase they love to use here in LS when someone says they "think" their spouse is cheating: "Trust your instincts". Well knowing that your spouse was faithful for 6 years goes way beyond instinct, so you can probably trust them.

 

Now to that horrible PTSD analogy! WOW. REALLY?

 

Actually, if a man returns home with PTSD and no one KNOWS THIS AT THE TIME until he starts to beat his wife, then YES, she could think about not abandoning the marriage and getting him the help he needs to recover. But no, if the wife KNOWS in ADVANCE that he has PTSD and is coming home to BEAT HER and is going to refuse any form of treatment, then she needs to run and hide.

 

Not sure why that analogy offends you so much. I find it offensive that you say a woman should stay in a physically abusive marriage while trying to fix her abusive husband. I would strongly advise a woman who is being beaten to at least move out until her husband has been properly treated which doesn't happen in a single session of counselling by the way.

 

So how has your weak analogy helped, rather than confused, OP?

Isn't it the OP who has PTSD and not his wife? So what do we do if BOTH are suffering from a mental disorder currently?

 

Why is it a weak analogy? My point is that just because someone has a legitimate reason for bad behavior doesn't mean that others have to stick around and be hurt. Drug addicts, alcoholics, mentally ill, etc. All these people have legitimate problems but only they can make the choice to fix their problems and until they honestly make some changes they remain toxic to others.

 

I find it odd that you encourage the OP to stick by his wife in one breath and then in the next you imply the OP himself has PTSD. So in your opinion one mentally ill person is causing mental illness in the other, yet you think they should stick together while feeding each other's mental illness. I never actually said he should divorce her. I do think he needs to separate from her until she recovers. At this point she is not on the road to recovery, she is blatantly cheating on him with multiple men. Staying and allowing the behavior to go on is not helpful to the relationship and is in fact very harmful to the OP.

[LifesontheUp]

krjc88

 

I don't know what to say other than I had a miscarriage many years ago with my xH.

 

While I didn't cheat I went into a very long depression, did loads of shopping to try and mask the hurt.

 

I would imagane a miscarriage affects people in many different ways. Only you know if she is worth a chance after all this. I wish you luck

[fellini]

It's a weak analogy because finding out about an infidelity is a BLOW to the betrayed spouse. In case you haven't read about this, PTSD is actually discussed as the outcome of that blow - TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE - hence my point that her mental disorder - which may have been the cause of her unstable life choices - has the impact on him.

 

It is a weak analogy because ONCE the infidelity has been discovered it is NOT ANALOGOUS to a man with PTSD coming home and beating his wife every day and her sitting there and taking it. This is not the same thing. LS is rich with metaphors and analogies that end up being so far off the beaten path it's a wonder why people think we need them. It's not as if being in the situation that the OP is in, as a BS, needs ANY ANALOGY. The impact on his life is plenty already. No analogies are needed. Any BS here knows this. You don't need to find some analogy to a condition I haven't even come close to experiencing (PTSD from Iraq) to explain a condition I HAVE (PTSD from learning about a betrayal) What's the point of using an analogy if very few of us KNOW what it is actually like to return from / or have a loved one return from the war PTSD?

 

Interesting though, that you should skip over the other completely unacceptable comment you made that it doesnt matter IF she cheated or not during the 6 years of their marriage.

 

I find both your comments about that, and your analogy unacceptable.

 

You don't. I do. That's as far as that can go.

 

Why is it a weak analogy? My point is that just because someone has a legitimate reason for bad behavior doesn't mean that others have to stick around and be hurt. Drug addicts, alcoholics, mentally ill, etc. All these people have legitimate problems but only they can make the choice to fix their problems and until they honestly make some changes they remain toxic to others.

 

I find it odd that you encourage the OP to stick by his wife in one breath and then in the next you imply the OP himself has PTSD. So in your opinion one mentally ill person is causing mental illness in the other, yet you think they should stick together while feeding each other's mental illness. I never actually said he should divorce her. I do think he needs to separate from her until she recovers. At this point she is not on the road to recovery, she is blatantly cheating on him with multiple men. Staying and allowing the behavior to go on is not helpful to the relationship and is in fact very harmful to the OP.

Edited December 23, 2015 by fellini

[anika99]

It's a weak analogy because finding out about an infidelity is a BLOW to the betrayed spouse. In case you haven't read about this, PTSD is actually discussed as the outcome of that blow - TO THE BETRAYED SPOUSE - hence my point that her mental disorder - which may have been the cause of her unstable life choices - has the impact on him.

 

It is a weak analogy because ONCE the infidelity has been discovered it is NOT ANALOGOUS to a man with PTSD coming home and beating his wife every day and her sitting there and taking it. This is not the same thing. LS is rich with metaphors and analogies that end up being so far off the beaten path it's a wonder why people think we need them. It's not as if being in the situation that the OP is in, as a BS, needs ANY ANALOGY. The impact on his life is plenty already. No analogies are needed. Any BS here knows this. You don't need to find some analogy to a condition I haven't even come close to experiencing (PTSD from Iraq) to explain a condition I HAVE (PTSD from learning about a betrayal) What's the point of using an analogy if very few of us KNOW what it is actually like to return from / or have a loved one return from the war PTSD?

 

Interesting though, that you should skip over the other completely unacceptable comment you made that it doesnt matter IF she cheated or not during the 6 years of their marriage.

 

I find both your comments about that, and your analogy unacceptable.

 

You don't. I do. That's as far as that can go.

 

 

I didn't address that comment because I was more focused on the somewhat over the top reaction you had to my analogy. I still stand by my comment that what matters most is what is happening in the present. I think it's a big mistake to hold tightly to an unhealthy relationship based on happy memories of how good the relationship used to be. I still say the OP needs to temporarily separate until his wife is on the right path. It will help him get himself into a healthier headspace and demonstrate to his wife that she needs to seriously address her issues if she really wants to save the marriage.

 

Too bad that you find my comments unacceptable. My opinion is different than yours but it is no more or less valid than yours and you have no business telling people what is or isn't acceptable to post. If you think I have broken forum rules then report me to a moderator otherwise don't tell me that my posts are unacceptable. Thanks and have a good day.

[Marc878]

Look up serial cheater.

 

You can never fix this.

 

Get on with your life and you know better.

[ShatteredLady]

I know that I'm very bias because my brother took his own life.

 

Regardless of if the OP stays or divorces I believe that she NEEDS mental help. From what he's posted her character has drastically changed since they lost their child. She hasn't found support from another man & slowly developed an affair. She's made promiscuous, self destructive choices. Some mental illness does present like this.

 

I'd be very worried about the possible ramifications of following some advise. Sometimes people post here & it's not 'normal' infidelity. If this was posted on a mental health site advise would be very different.

 

Occasionally I hear terrible stories in the media. People taking their lives, hurting, even killing their children. Anything that COULD be mental illness should be analyzed by a professional before drastic actions are taken. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

[fellini]

Maybe you have never been cheated on. But to say to a fresh BS that it doesn't matter if he wife did or did not cheat during 6 years he thought were authentic is unacceptable. Yes, it is an idea that should not be accepted. i.e. it is unacceptable.

 

It's not necessary to confuse an unacceptable position or idea from an unacceptable post. The two have nothing to do with each other. I have said nothing about your right to your opinion, I thought I also said that.

 

 

I didn't address that comment because I was more focused on the somewhat over the top reaction you had to my analogy. I still stand by my comment that what matters most is what is happening in the present. I think it's a big mistake to hold tightly to an unhealthy relationship based on happy memories of how good the relationship used to be. I still say the OP needs to temporarily separate until his wife is on the right path. It will help him get himself into a healthier headspace and demonstrate to his wife that she needs to seriously address her issues if she really wants to save the marriage.

 

Too bad that you find my comments unacceptable. My opinion is different than yours but it is no more or less valid than yours and you have no business telling people what is or isn't acceptable to post. If you think I have broken forum rules then report me to a moderator otherwise don't tell me that my posts are unacceptable. Thanks and have a good day.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry but you need to stop acting like you are the law of the land here. You don't get to decide what is or is not acceptable.

 

To me it doesn't matter if they were together 100 years and she didn't cheat for 99 of them. What matters is she chose to cheat now.

 

You can disagree with that all you want, but please don't act like it is an unacceptable line of thought because not everyone thinks like you.

 

For 6 yrs. she didn't cheat, good for her. Yet then she did and no a miscarriage is no excuse. It wasn't even a one time thing but an ongoing affair. The OP is better off without this person in his life. She doesn't love him or respect him.

[Spectre]

I know that I'm very bias because my brother took his own life.

 

Regardless of if the OP stays or divorces I believe that she NEEDS mental help. From what he's posted her character has drastically changed since they lost their child. She hasn't found support from another man & slowly developed an affair. She's made promiscuous, self destructive choices. Some mental illness does present like this.

 

I'd be very worried about the possible ramifications of following some advise. Sometimes people post here & it's not 'normal' infidelity. If this was posted on a mental health site advise would be very different.

 

Occasionally I hear terrible stories in the media. People taking their lives, hurting, even killing their children. Anything that COULD be mental illness should be analyzed by a professional before drastic actions are taken. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

 

Yes she DOES need to see a professional, but the OP doesn't need to suffer in silence while she does this. It just sounds like you are saying he should wait for her to see a shrink before divorcing her. Which if you are: no he really shouldn't.

 

The hard truth is that mental illness does not give anyone the right to cheat nor does it absolve you to the ramifications of cheating while you deal with said illness.

 

Just like if she cheated on him because she was a drug addict it wouldn't mean he should stay with her until she kicks the habit. It would mean you leave and hope that she deals with her issues. So I just don't want to see ANYONE trying to guilt the OP into staying..which is exactly what you were doing and you know it. Otherwise you wouldn't be talking about suicide or people killing their kids, etc.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre

[Mrs. John Adams]

however...ultimately it is HIS decision

and what you think...or what i think...is totally irrelevant.

 

Seeking professional help is the ONE thing we should all be agreeing on....and to say problems or issues can NEVER be fixed...is absolutely ridiculous.

 

It may take time and patience and understanding ....but issues can often be resolved..

[anika99]

Maybe you have never been cheated on. But to say to a fresh BS that it doesn't matter if he wife did or did not cheat during 6 years he thought were authentic is unacceptable. Yes, it is an idea that should not be accepted. i.e. it is unacceptable.

 

It's not necessary to confuse an unacceptable position or idea from an unacceptable post. The two have nothing to do with each other. I have said nothing about your right to your opinion, I thought I also said that.

 

As another poster already stated, it is fine that you disagree with me or that you do not share my opinion but you did not say that. You just declared my opinion and position as unacceptable. Who the hell are you to decide what is and isn't acceptable? Many people have ended their long term relationships over a single instance of cheating and they don't regret it. They decided that they could not stay with a person who betrayed them and that they didn't want to live in a marriage where they couldn't trust their spouse, so they divorced and went on with their lives.

 

You told me my analogy was unacceptable, so I tried to explain sincerely what I meant by that analogy only to have you came back to mock me and belittle me some more as if I hadn't explained myself and everything I say is rubbish. I don't mind people taking an opposing viewpoint and I can welcome a healthy exchange of ideas and opinions but I found your posts to me to be full of conceited arrogance and rudeness.