GlobeTrotter9 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Hi there, This is my first post on the forum but I feel like I need some proper advice after all thats happend in the last few weeks. So basically, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me quite suddenly a few weeks ago. I can't say things were perfect between us but I truly love her and I shared everything I did with this girl. We recently moved to a new city together (I'm currently studying for my masters) and she has taken a full time job in the meantime. One week pretty much out of nowhere she starts acting really off with me, won't even hold my hand or let me come over and see her. When I eventually questioned her on it she came straight out and said she wanted to break up for all the very cliché reasons like us not being the same people anymore, me not making enough of an effort, us having no mutual friends in this new city etc. We were both in tears and we hugged for hours before I left hers. At this point I was genuinely heartbroken but I respected her decision and let her be on her own. The following few weeks were probably the worst I've ever been through - been feeling so alone, upset all the time and just wanting to talk to her. But for her it seems like everything has been completely fine. I've seen from her snapchat that she's been going out a lot and she keeps getting tagged in pictures out with people on Facebook. To make it worse, we met up again last week to talk things through because I felt a lot of questions hadn't been answered. The whole time we were talking I kept seeing texts from the same guy pop up on her phone. I asked her about this and she straight up admitted she'd been on two dates with him since we broke up. She then got really defensive and claimed she'd never cheated on me (which I never accused her of doing) and that she was over me. I guess in one way it was closure knowing that there was no kidding myself we would eventually get back together but on the other hand I can't help but feel so upset with the speed with which she replaced me. Its almost like 3 years of everything we went through together meant absolutely nothing to her. Its completely thrown me off the tracks and I just can't shake the horrible feeling in my stomach every time I think about her being intimate with this new guy. I'm not somebody that is good at expressing their feelings and this has thrown me so far back into my shell I spent years trying to come out of. I told this girl things I never shared with another soul, laughed with her through the good times and cried with her through the bad. It feels like I've lost a huge part of who I am and its completely ruined my confidence and will to get out there again because I don't want to be put through this all again! My family live abroad and the past few days I've been back home for christmas which has been nice. But bizarrely even though we ended our last talk on quite terms my ex has messaged me a few times asking how it is to be home etc. and what I'm up to. I obviously haven't replied but I just don't know whats even going on anymore! I've just been smashing the gym harder than ever when I feel upset but I feel like I need a longer term solution than this. Has anybody had any similiar experiences or have any suggestions about how to get through this all? I'd appreciate anything!
K2z Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Its almost like 3 years of everything we went through together meant absolutely nothing to her. Its completely thrown me off the tracks and I just can't shake the horrible feeling in my stomach every time I think about her being intimate with this new guy. Of course this is the crux of the problem. Feeling like tossed garbage, or some kind of replaceable Lego block. You have taken a shotgun blast to the belly. It won't heal fast. Neither will mine. Lean on friends. Get some counseling if necessary. Rekindle what family relationships you have. In my case I am volunteering for every positive help-the-needy cause I can. I scrub my heart with hard work and producing a modicum of joy for those who need it. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Something similar happened to me after a 7.5-year relationship ended (We'd also lived together about 6.5 years) He tried to conceal it from me but I learned fairly quickly there was someone new in the picture following our break-up. I came to find out she was there before we broke up , too. My ex also contacted me from time to time to ask how my family was, what I was doing and so on. I made it clear I didn't want to hear from him other than to discuss the logistics of moving out of our shared apartment (I asked him to leave the night we split up, and he stayed gone) I made a plan for myself to follow my dream of living abroad. It took me almost exactly one year to realize this plan, but 12 months after the split, I moved here to Rome. Been very happy here ever since! in that year prior to my move, I was quite distracted and busy with my plans. I didn't really date (wasn't ready to and also knew I was leaving) but I gave myself a series of goals to accomplish that were not related to romantic relationships. I needed somewhere to direct my energy and it worked very well for me. I can honestly say I have since fully moved on and no longer have any contact with my ex. You will get there someday too. Hard as it is, you need to cut contact with her. It's not easy but it will save you a lot of anguish, I promise. 1
Laser90 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Feeling your pain bud. I too was in a 3 year relationship but my break up was slightly different circumstances, we mutually ended things and I said I wanted space, she took that as the relationship was over. Within 2 weeks she was seeing someone and even telling me about their sex life (yeah like I needed to hear that). It's not a nice place to be in knowing that the one you loved has just moved on like it's nothing. She has you as the emotional support while she goes out there and see's other guys, it's killing you and that's fully understandable. If you guys meant anything her new "relationship" won't last and it'll be likely that the new guy slips up. But unfortunately unlike my case it seems she broke up with you out of the blue, which could mean she may have had communications with this guy before. I don't want you to feel worse but that may be a possibility. It's great you're smashing it at the gym, I turned to the gym and I'm in the best shape of my life now. Even my ex is liking photos of me with pictures of my gym progression. Funnily enough the rebound cheated on her, she came back to talk to me. I was courteous and polite but I did say I don't feel sorry for you as she rushed into something with some waster of a guy. Turns out the grass isn't greener. All the while I kept my dignity, didn't post stuff up on social media for a bit and concentrated on myself. She goes out every weekend (no problem with that) but she's very insecure. Focus on yourself, block out your ex because she obviously isn't worth your time anymore. Get out and see friends/family and keep yourself busy. Something will come up when you least expect it. For now build your confidence and self esteem up, you were happy before her and you'll be happy again. Trust me.
marky00 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) If you treated her well.... she will be holding on to a lot of guilt. Similar thing happened to me and My Ex just told me tonight (i broke NC after 3 months) that she wants to kill herself for breaking my heart. Those were her exact words. When they had someone lined up... the guilt is always huge for female dumpers... provided you as the dumpee always treated her well. So yeah she might be quiet and look happy... but the guilt will be there guaranteed. Had she broken up with you and chose to be single... she would have a lot less guilt as she could process the breakup in a more healthy way. She gets no opportunity to validate the breakup because her new bf will be pushing her as if nothing has happened. She is basically forced to move on in a very unhealthy way. Edited December 22, 2015 by marky00
Author GlobeTrotter9 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 But unfortunately unlike my case it seems she broke up with you out of the blue, which could mean she may have had communications with this guy before. I don't want you to feel worse but that may be a possibility. First off thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone in such a short space of time! As you mentioned, I know she was chatting to this guy while we were still together. I'm almost sure she didn't cheat on me physically but I know they were close at work and regularly went out together in a group. Looking back now I feel really stupid that I didn't see it coming but I guess everyone says that in hindsight. It also makes sense because we got very close in similiar circumstances three years earlier when she had just come out of a relationship before she met me. Just trying to keep myself distracted now and not think about her, nights are the worst though when I'm alone with my thoughts. I haven't slept properly in weeks!
ravfour4 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) She's with that other guy and probably was before she broke up with you, that's why it was so easy for her and why she pulled away. A woman who truly cared and had no back up plan doesn't start dating someone the day after a long relationship. A woman who truly cared doesn't disappear like nothing happened unless she has someone new, she was incredibly fed up with you or she has a full and supportive social life. Lonely people reach out to their ex's nearly 100% of the time if they weren't terrible to them. When there is no back up, an ex will often keep coming back to make sure you're not going anywhere. Once they find someone, they don't care anymore. Here's what you do whether you want her back or not: -tell her you don't want this and think you could work things out -leave and never look back, zero contact, focus on yourself, meet new women, get new friends and new hobbies. If she cares at all, she will reach out eventually and by then you'll be with someone new. Test her, don't push her away by trying to fix things now. There is literally nothing you can do right now besides...nothing. Edited December 22, 2015 by ravfour4
basil67 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I've been able to move on quickly from relationships. It happens when a person does the grieving for the relationship while they are still in the relationship. You say things weren't perfect - truth is, she would have been getting over the relationship during that time. By the time she finally left, Sh was able to hit the ground running. For what it's worth - if a relationship has issues, a breakup should never come as a surprise.
katiegrl Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) I've been able to move on quickly from relationships. It happens when a person does the grieving for the relationship while they are still in the relationship. You say things weren't perfect - truth is, she would have been getting over the relationship during that time. By the time she finally left, Sh was able to hit the ground running. For what it's worth - if a relationship has issues, a breakup should never come as a surprise. I agree.... I ended my LTR last night.... it's been a long time coming (at least a month, perhaps not that long). See my thread in this section "Relationship, Drug Addiction, Breakup" if you're interested in the details. Anyway.... I am sad of course, and yeah it hurts.... but also a bit relieved too now that's it's finally done.... as I had been preparing myself emotionally for the end, so it's a bit easier to deal .... than if I had been the dumpee, and had NO CLUE my boyfriend was going to end it. Edited December 22, 2015 by katiegrl
K2z Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Mine walked out of our shared home in April, we were still exchanging I love you messages in June, and she was married to another guy in November. My heart is not even salvageable for spare parts.
lemondrop21 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I did something probably similar to your ex-gf; I ended a long-term relationship because I had met someone new who I had VERY strong feelings for. The feelings were so strong that I felt like I was emotionally cheating even though physical stuff hadn't happened. The day I broke up with my ex-bf was awful, but also a relief because the guilt was SO bad, after only two weeks of this! I think that I was vulnerable to getting such strong feelings for someone else because our relationship was already unstable and had been for some time. Even though we really loved each other and worked very hard at our relationship, there were some things about us that were probably just incompatible. Her strongest emotion at this point is probably guilt over you, and confusion about the new guy. In the coming months, she will likely be trying to sort out whether she wants to be with the new guy or go back to you, if you'll still have her. NC can move this process along so that you get a resolution one way or the other. My ex-bf allowed us to stay friends and it didn't really help either of us. When I was going through this process, I eventually had to separate the new guy from my ex in my mind and spend some days focusing on thinking only about my ex. I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" that really helped me identify the flaws of my relationship with my ex - the relationship that I had BEFORE the new guy came into my life. The book seemed to indicate that the flaws weren't fixable. So I never went back to my ex. Do I still wonder about him? Of course. And now that he's found something new, I am finding myself questioning everything, which is probably natural. Whether your ex-gf goes through this kind of process will depend on her personality, and the strength of your relationship before the new guy. None of this is easy and I wish you strength, courage and peace.
Cy8475 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I've been there. Nothing you can do. If you treated her well she be back
Stressed_26 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) I did something probably similar to your ex-gf; I ended a long-term relationship because I had met someone new who I had VERY strong feelings for. The feelings were so strong that I felt like I was emotionally cheating even though physical stuff hadn't happened. The day I broke up with my ex-bf was awful, but also a relief because the guilt was SO bad, after only two weeks of this! I think that I was vulnerable to getting such strong feelings for someone else because our relationship was already unstable and had been for some time. Even though we really loved each other and worked very hard at our relationship, there were some things about us that were probably just incompatible. Her strongest emotion at this point is probably guilt over you, and confusion about the new guy. In the coming months, she will likely be trying to sort out whether she wants to be with the new guy or go back to you, if you'll still have her. NC can move this process along so that you get a resolution one way or the other. My ex-bf allowed us to stay friends and it didn't really help either of us. When I was going through this process, I eventually had to separate the new guy from my ex in my mind and spend some days focusing on thinking only about my ex. I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" that really helped me identify the flaws of my relationship with my ex - the relationship that I had BEFORE the new guy came into my life. The book seemed to indicate that the flaws weren't fixable. So I never went back to my ex. Do I still wonder about him? Of course. And now that he's found something new, I am finding myself questioning everything, which is probably natural. Whether your ex-gf goes through this kind of process will depend on her personality, and the strength of your relationship before the new guy. None of this is easy and I wish you strength, courage and peace. Thanks Lemondrop for the insight from the other side. I am in similar situation as OP so following this thread. Being dumped is painful but being left for someone else is multiple times painful. I don't think I will ever hear from mine but I wished to know if she ever thinks of me and what's going on. BTW she is telling all our mutual friends how nice the new guy is and how she slept the very next day after leaving me. Don't know what was the point of sharing about being intimate. I am not hurt of her leaving me but the way she did it and the aftermath. Didn't mean to hijack OP's thread (I am in forced NC - she changed her number after blocking me on the old number. I had not called her even once or sent a single text yet she did it. Just to spite me I guess) Edited December 23, 2015 by Stressed_26 1
lemondrop21 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Thanks Lemondrop for the insight from the other side. I am in similar situation as OP so following this thread. Being dumped is painful but being left for someone else is multiple times painful. I don't think I will ever hear from mine but I wished to know if she ever thinks of me and what's going on. BTW she is telling all our mutual friends how nice the new guy is and how she slept the very next day after leaving me. Don't know what was the point of sharing about being intimate. I am not hurt of her leaving me but the way she did it and the aftermath. Didn't mean to hijack OP's thread (I am in forced NC - she changed her number after blocking me on the old number. I had not called her even once or sent a single text yet she did it. Just to spite me I guess) Stressed, I'm very sorry for your situation. Though I don't know the details, I'm not sure why she changed her number when you were not harassing her. I never wanted my ex to feel like I was cutting him off, more the opposite - I wanted to support him as much as he needed. This went on far too long and we should have gone to NC at some stage, but for him to heal, not for me. It seems to me like changing her number was a selfish way for this girl to very suddenly cut you out of her life, as though she is trying to just forget you without going through the guilt. If you had a good relationship, then it won't work. The guilt will come. Best of luck to you in getting through this time. 1
Author GlobeTrotter9 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 Thank you for all the insight everyone, I really appreciate it. And please don't hesitate to post your own experiences within this thread if it relates to you. I know exactly what you mean when you say its not so much the break up but the manner in which it happend which hurts. I can fully accept that maybe we weren't meant to be together but I feel that she has been very insensitive about the whole matter. I can't stop her from having feeling for other guys but after three years I would have liked a bit more respect or for her to at least have made an effort to hide her new relationship for a while. She's now trying to go about life like things never changed by tagging me in links on facebook etc. and asking how my day has been. I just messaged her now telling her to give me some space for a while. This whole situation is really messing with my head. 1
greenleaves54 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Thank you for all the insight everyone, I really appreciate it. And please don't hesitate to post your own experiences within this thread if it relates to you. I know exactly what you mean when you say its not so much the break up but the manner in which it happend which hurts. I can fully accept that maybe we weren't meant to be together but I feel that she has been very insensitive about the whole matter. I can't stop her from having feeling for other guys but after three years I would have liked a bit more respect or for her to at least have made an effort to hide her new relationship for a while. She's now trying to go about life like things never changed by tagging me in links on facebook etc. and asking how my day has been. I just messaged her now telling her to give me some space for a while. This whole situation is really messing with my head. One of the best things you can do is to remove her from facebook or any other social media. First and foremost it will speed up your healing process. Secondly it will show her that you intend to move on and leave the old relationship behind you (even if that feels like a hard thing to accept right now). Don't be available to her. Bow gracefully out of her life forever. Even if it is the hardest thing to do right now, it is also the best thing for you. Best of luck and Merry Christmas
Kevin_D Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 First off, please ignore all the cliches on this board. You'll eventually start recognizing them yourself, but here are a few you should look out for: "Exes are exes for a reason" "You'll find someone better" "She emotionally checked out long before the breakup" Two years since my girlfriend of 7 years left me. New girlfriend, great job, my family is well... Yet it still hurts - every waking hour. I've haven't heard from her for over 1.5 years. I don't know where she lives, who she's dating, what she works with, nothing. Yet, the pain won't go away. She was my best friend. The one I trusted more than my own mother. You don't get over these things in a few years. Probably never. I realise now that many people have never been in a deep, loving relationship. My new girlfriend is super nice and in a way, things are a lot less complicated, but that's because we don't have the same connection. I don't care when she hangs out with her male friends, even though I'm usually incredibly jealous. Here's the ugly trugh; Your life is going to suck for many, many years from now on. There is no cure, there is no magic button you can press. It's like when a parent dies in a tragic accient. Sooner or later you'll accept it, but you'll never fully heal. Nothing in life lasts forever. This is an opportunity to experience something else. Learn to play an instrument and make great songs about your life. There are endless possibilities. Nothing will replace her, but you can still achieve great things. In a way, I've been much more productive since my ex betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. Though the best part of my life is over, at least I feel like I have something to work for. The only thing that wasn't perfect with my ex, was that it was perfect. I didn't care if other girls liked me, because she was the only one I really cared about. And for a man these days, that's social suicide. Being the beauty queen she is, she finally realised that she could get any guy she wanted, and that I'd probably still be available if she changed her mind. Anyway... accept the pain. It will follow you around the world for a while. Realise that it's completely normal; That she is the sick one who is able to move on so fast (no, you can't "check out emotionally from a relationship" if you have a deep connection - only narcissists/bipolars/psycopaths can do that). Be proud that you feel the way you do, because it proves that you're capable of loving.
Triggs1234 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Went through a similar thing although she wasn't with someone, 3 months ago and still doing my best to move on. She blocked me via phone, fb etc. I take it was for her to get over me as we were trying to remain in contact. It is certainly tough. My only advice would be to go no contact. It has helped me a lot not hearing from her the past two months. I passed the biggest exam of my life and didn't even hear a congratulations or anything which definitely showed me perhaps the person i thought i knew wasn't true. Focus on yourself and just do your best to move on. Healing takes a lot of time. Talking to her will only make it worse. She needs time to miss you or realize she made a mistake. Ultimately if you treated her good she will comeback if you want that. Best of luck. My ex also went on to act like I never existed which definitely shows a lot about her character. Sometimes it takes a breakup for you to see the true character of someone.
Chronotrgr Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I really feel for you man, I've been there myself, I can't say I have ever had a relationship end which didn't end because some snake in the grass was lurking around ready to dive in mushroom tip first. Although I have no confirmation as of yet, I just have that gut feeling my ex had someone else in the picture for quite some time, signs were there, I just ignored them because I didn't want to face that reality. Before I went in to a relationship with her she had come out of a 6 year relationship with a man she had a child with, the first thing she did?, she got drunk and went to bed with another man for 3 months, so how could I put it passed her to not do to me what she did to this other guy? I'd rather not know at this point, I'd just like to think one day she'll turn around and think "why did I do something heartless and cruel to someone who loved me so much?", I imagine your ex will probably snap out of her irrational mindset eventually and wonder the same.
TunaCat Posted December 25, 2015 Posted December 25, 2015 Oh OP, I've been there. My ex dumped me last March and by the 2nd week in April, he had a new girlfriend and they were "Facebook Official" I could not believe he was able to move on so quickly. I was heartbroken all over again. In the 3 weeks between our breakup & the beginning of the new relationship, he contacted me 3 times. I did not read or even OPEN the messages he sent me. I have not heard from him since he went "Facebook Official" with his new girlfriend.
Author GlobeTrotter9 Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 Just made the cardinal error of checking her facebook page during a moment of weakness. She's taken down pretty much every photo of us on her page (and believe me there were a lot!) as if I never even existed. I know this doesn't change anything but it hurts so bad knowing that she doesn't even care anymore.
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