I know this is weird, but my Bf is actually jealous of me and my brother!

[The Way I Am]

Also why are you trying to frame your bf as the bad guy? You're the one who lied to him when he asked about you and your sb.(There's no rule I'm aware of that if it happened over 4 years ago it didn't count.) It's fine to not mention it to a guy you're dating if it's just a non issue that never comes up. You can't be expected to tell everybody for the rest of your life up front that it happened. But lying about it when your bf brings it up and acting like he must be a crazy person for noticing isn't cool.

 

He "snooped on your fb page". Do you mean he looked at what you have written publicly? Or do you know for a fact that he looked at something on your fb that he shouldn't have access to?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am sloooooooooooowly beginning to be more impressed by Trisha

 

(it takes a sincere person to have returned here and clarified so much, so this is what I HOPE remains an open-minded person who is listening/reading with consideration of that which is written)

 

 

First of all, it isn't (wouldn't be) "INCEST"

 

 

The first line I found in the definition of "incest" reads as follows:

 

 

""in·cest

 

ˈinˌsest/

 

noun

 

sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other. ""

 

 

Aaaaaaaaaaand I guess there are places around where STEP-siblings may not be allowed to marry, so that could go either way. (though there is certainly no concern relating to genetics about the idea)

 

 

Also, I have to admit that various families DO know various, different standards about who and how much they see of one another while at home.

 

 

If somebody landed here and explained: we are a nudist family...... then I'd be willing to start there and field their questions from that point.

 

 

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it is perfectly to-be-expected that young Trisha and her "good looking" step brother became somewhat intimate upon their first (being tossed into the same household at such a time as their early /mid teens).

 

I don't fault either of them for that, and would expect it to be (quite a strong consideration in/from at least one direction for any such male/female step siblings who may not have even known one another until each reached puberty)

 

(and I'm doubly impressed that Trisha owned-up to that here)

 

(she's not afraid to lay it all on the table)

 

 

But now she's having trouble with her boyfriend... and that's still the crux of her issue.

 

 

 

So, maybe there is even a vibe, somehow exchanged between males, which strongly hints that (the step brother has been to 2nd base with her), and the boyfriend has picked-up on that vibe.

 

 

That's all it takes for the boyfriend's concerns to be raised... and as the boyfriend is still young, he is likely to have become especially (impacted, lets call it) BY the fact that the step-brother IS seemingly so attractive.

 

It is unlikely that Trisha has kept that assessment of her step-brother a big secret, even though she doesn't likely s-p-e-l-l-i-t-o-u-t directly in front of her boyfriend. Just, the mere context of conversation sometimes needs to underscore that (the step-brother would have no shortage of girlfriends).

 

 

Ultimately, Trisha, whatever you're going to GET from life, in the way of the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good stuff (emotions, satifaction)... is gonna come from inside of YOU(rself).

 

 

And I assure you, that it doesn't matter as much just who you're with, romantically, when the height of that satisfaction arrives (be it, when in the delivery room, giving birth to your shared children, or when in a nursing home together at age 95)... what matters will be YOU... committing yourSELF TO somebody and then taking great pride and satisfaction from honoring that commitment yourself.

 

(and resisting each time a crown prince from a foreign land discovers your unparalleled appeal while wanting to sweep you away on his magic carpet to his mansion in the sky) (all for the sake of the commitment you made).

 

 

NOW I ***get*** that you yourself do not feel as though you have done anything to sway from that (very self-satisfying path which I just laid out)... and I AGREE that it may well be true, from all that you've said.

 

 

However, this remains about your boyfriend's concerns... and I can't repeat often enough for you that his concerns/worries/fears are not unfounded.

 

 

And I don't even think his concerns are particularly about (your potentially having sex with) your step brother... and the fact that you're both seemingly dedicated to saving yourselves for marriage is grand.

 

But it would be OK for you to recognize... just... various things in the whole context of your life where (this guy that you really DO care about, and love, in {the most important way you'll ever feel}) is very much aware of your step-brother's apparent appeal... and then to take measures to make that less significant in the lives of all involved.

 

 

I mean, what IF the step-brother guy weren't the offspring of your step parent? You certainly wouldn't think it right that he should be that near to your life while you have a boyfriend.

 

 

Now of course we understand that, because of the way things are, you DO have to share a kitchen and a bathroom, and parents with this step-brother... but it would be a good move by you to stop and guess at how it looks from the angles of others.

 

(which reminds me, that surely all of your girlfriends think your step-brother is "hot", and as such, just the steam manufactured by their own words, with you yourself adding NOTHING to it, is probably enough to give your boyfriend LOTS of things to worry about)

 

 

If your boyfriend were, say, fearful of (house) cats... you would deal with those fears by modifying your world so as not to force your boyfriend to confront those fears, no matter how absurd-seeming they are. And I think the solution you seek is along those lines too.

 

You believe in your own honor, and you are so far conforming to your own honorable ways, and your boyfriend really does believe in your honor too... he just feels threatened by the mere presence of your step brother, and perhaps, if they were ages 43 and 42, that wouldn't be the case... but as they are 20 and 19, you're just going to have to budge a little bit to make things more harmonious for everybody.

 

 

And Trisha, thanks so much for boldly returning here and being yourself.

[Buddhist]

Veve, I don't understand how he could "read" something that happened for a brief time four years ago. How could he "read" that? Not to mention there is nothing to "read" because there is absolutely nothing going on between me and my brother.

 

As far as him spending time with us, yes, like I said, this fall he moved back here to go to college, so he's been coming over a lot. It wasn't long before I started noticing something by his body language, then last week he started asking lots of questions.

 

Have a read of your statement above again please. Clearly there IS something to read in your and your brothers body language otherwise your bf would not be having this reaction would he? Sorry but things are probably a lot more obvious than you think.

[VeveCakes]

just because you can't read it, doesn't mean it isn't there ;0

 

i'm one of these people - I know things longggg before anyone tells me. Maybe it's just intuition, but your bf isn't stupid.

 

Maybe your brother told his friends?

[Space Ritual]

Maybe your brother told his friends?

 

BINGO!

 

I don't think she gets it yet though, Veve. I think we better put an exclamation point on it like ...oh say...

 

JEB!

 

LOL!!!

[trishaweston]

First, thank you for the replies. They have really helped me to think about this coherently. Especially the guys. I really wanted a guy's POV on this so I could figure out wtf my bf is thinking, and I see a lot of guys responded, and I appreciate that.

 

Now, I hear what you guys are saying as far as telling him everything, but let me make a few things clear. Although we are both deeply in love, I don't think either of us are ready to share the most intimate, "darkest", moments of each other's lives yet. He dated a few girls before me and yet also hasn't shared any intimate details, other than he is still a virgin. I think both of us know that eventually, after marriage, at some point we will share every little thing, even from our earliest memories, but I don't think either of us expects that right now. What I did with my sb was very embarrassing yet intimate, and both of us were ashamed and promised never to tell anyone, not even our future boy-girlfriends. We have never told even our best friends, and I know I can trust him on this because we would get in soooo much trouble if our parents found out! So telling my bf something so intimate and "bad" right now, isn't something I'd feel comfortable doing. What if we broke up and he told people? I'm sure you can understand why I'm not comfortable sharing this with anyone I know, in fact that's why I'm' here online, and I know my brother feels the same. We were young and made a mistake, and both of us just want to put that behind us and move on in our lives and our relationships. I hoping to cross this bridge with my bf when we get there. But thank you for your input.

 

Sincere, thank you for your reply. You really do seem sincere! So I have tried to see it from the "angle of others" as you say, and I admit I would also probably worry if my bf walked around in his underwear and got in the hot tub with his hot stepsister all the time. But I'm still not sure what you are saying I should DO. I already have been trying to focus more of my time and attention on him when he is over, and less on my brother, and I since he's moved back I have really toned down on doing anything with my brother in front of him that he might incorrectly perceive as "flirting", like wrestling around, getting into tickle fights, sitting on his lap, rubbing his back, or anything else that his body language and comments have revealed he doesn't like. Since his questioning, I have even tried not to even touch my brother at all very much when he is over, and I even promised him that I wouldn't get in the hot tub with my brother in my underwear anymore, something that really seemed to be a pet peeve for him. So I'm not sure what else I can do. I can't imagine thinking something like this about someone you really love without actual evidence of anything, unless you have extreme paranoia and jealousy issues. I honestly couldn't imagine thinking this about my bf unless I actually saw it on video or something, and even then I'd find it hard to believe. I just really find it disturbing that after all these years together he would even THINK I might do something like this.

 

Way, my FB account is private, so yes he was accessing something he wasn't supposed to, and I do feel violated by that. This is not something I would do to him, and I think he knows this. But I have decided not to confront him about this, although I am p/w locking my cell and laptop from now on. I feel I have a right to my privacy.

 

I'm pretty sure this is part of the issue because I remember right before he started questioning me, he had been alone with my laptop for about an hour. And upon looking at some of my recent conversations with my brother, I could see how a really paranoid and jealous mind could take some of it completely out of context and think of it as "flirting", which, of course, none of it was. I wouldn't think my bf would think like that, but on thinking about it, and with how crazy he's been acting lately, I could see how he might have imagined things and took it in the wrong way.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What I did with my sb was very embarrassing yet intimate, and both of us were ashamed and promised never to tell anyone, not even our future boy-girlfriends. We have never told even our best friends, and I know I can trust him on this because we would get in soooo much trouble if our parents found out! So telling my bf something so intimate and "bad" right now, isn't something I'd feel comfortable doing. What if we broke up and he told people? I'm sure you can understand why I'm not comfortable sharing this with anyone I know, in fact that's why I'm' here online

 

 

 

 

I have to give you credit again, as your thinking really is sharp in the above statement. No teenager ever gives due consideration to "what IF we broke-up and he told people?"

 

So I'm glad that you have considered that.

 

 

In terms of what you should DO...

 

 

You don't need a Revolution, and I think that the Evolution you could put yourself on would be enough.

 

 

And file all of your small changes under things I (don't) do to avoid upsetting my boyfriend over the unique dynamic that is my relationship with my step-brother (who wasn't my step-brother until I was 14 or so).

 

 

You'll be fine... but in a way it is like walking your dog... when you scour the ground a few feet in front of his powerful nose, so that you can notice the chicken bones and other things he shouldn't eat in time to tug/steer him clear of those dangers.

 

 

 

(when you get distracted, and look the other way, or you don't focus completely on the path up ahead... well, then, your boyfriend becomes upset about something that went on tangent to your step brother* )

 

(* EVEN IF it is just... 5 of your female friends sitting around and talking about how hot your stepbrother is, and wondering aloud how you can resist jumping his bones)

[Spectre]

First, thank you for the replies. They have really helped me to think about this coherently. Especially the guys. I really wanted a guy's POV on this so I could figure out wtf my bf is thinking, and I see a lot of guys responded, and I appreciate that.

 

First it just worries me you didn't find your behavior with your brother wrong. Him seeing you in your panties, you being in hot tubs with him, the fact you apparently "experimented" with this step brother in the past. Why do you feel it is okay for you to be living with a guy you used to experiment with and your boyfriend doesn't get to know? Why do you feel that is your right to keep it from him? Do not use the excuse of it being an intimate detail. Sorry, you are living with the dude, you don't get to keep this secret and yet continue to claim you love your bf.

 

Although we are both deeply in love, I don't think either of us are ready to share the most intimate, "darkest", moments of each other's lives yet. He dated a few girls before me and yet also hasn't shared any intimate details, other than he is still a virgin.

 

Okay but the girls he dated before you DO NOT currently live with him and he doesn't still currently seem them half naked or sit in hot tubs with them. He also doesn't behave that way and think there isn't anything wrong with it.

 

I think both of us know that eventually, after marriage, at some point we will share every little thing, even from our earliest memories, but I don't think either of us expects that right now.

 

If you think this is a thing you should wait until you are married to tell then please just break up with your boyfriend.

 

So telling my bf something so intimate and "bad" right now, isn't something I'd feel comfortable doing.

 

Then break up with him. If you truly loved him you wouldn't make a fool of him by keeping this from him.

 

What if we broke up and he told people? I'm sure you can understand why I'm not comfortable sharing this with anyone I know, in fact that's why I'm' here online, and I know my brother feels the same. We were young and made a mistake, and both of us just want to put that behind us and move on in our lives and our relationships. I hoping to cross this bridge with my bf when we get there. But thank you for your input.

 

Okay so just to be clear you claim to love this guy and yet you are willing to deceive him and make a fool of him because you just aren't comfy with him knowing you used to fool around with your step bro.

 

But I'm still not sure what you are saying I should DO. I already have been trying to focus more of my time and attention on him when he is over, and less on my brother, and I since he's moved back I have really toned down on doing anything with my brother in front of him that he might incorrectly perceive as "flirting", like wrestling around, getting into tickle fights, sitting on his lap, rubbing his back, or anything else that his body language and comments have revealed he doesn't like.

 

Okay at this point my advice is to just break up with your boyfriend. You aren't going to be honest with him so just break up with him. Also I hate to break this to you but even if you were honest with him your relationship probably won't survive this. He's not going to be okay with you living under the same roof as some dude you used to mess around with.

 

Also I notice you said you have toned down behavior like that in front of your boyfriend, meaning you still behave that way when he isn't around. So again just set the poor guy loose. You lack respect for him and I don't think you truly love him.

 

Since his questioning, I have even tried not to even touch my brother at all very much when he is over, and I even promised him that I wouldn't get in the hot tub with my brother in my underwear anymore, something that really seemed to be a pet peeve for him. So I'm not sure what else I can do. I can't imagine thinking something like this about someone you really love without actual evidence of anything, unless you have extreme paranoia and jealousy issues. I honestly couldn't imagine thinking this about my bf unless I actually saw it on video or something, and even then I'd find it hard to believe. I just really find it disturbing that after all these years together he would even THINK I might do something like this.

 

But you DID do something like it before! Isn't it disturbing you know you did this before and you are getting on him because he hasn't seen video evidence? He could be picking up on a vibe. You have to CURB YOURSELF from being flirty and touchy with your step bro while your boyfriend is around. Come on now, your boyfriend has picked up on this stop pretending he hasn't because if he hadn't he wouldn't of ever begun to question you.

 

Way, my FB account is private, so yes he was accessing something he wasn't supposed to, and I do feel violated by that. This is not something I would do to him, and I think he knows this. But I have decided not to confront him about this, although I am p/w locking my cell and laptop from now on. I feel I have a right to my privacy.

 

Okay you wouldn't violate his privacy, but you will violate his trust and lie to him and make a fool over him.

 

I'm pretty sure this is part of the issue because I remember right before he started questioning me, he had been alone with my laptop for about an hour. And upon looking at some of my recent conversations with my brother, I could see how a really paranoid and jealous mind could take some of it completely out of context and think of it as "flirting", which, of course, none of it was. I wouldn't think my bf would think like that, but on thinking about it, and with how crazy he's been acting lately, I could see how he might have imagined things and took it in the wrong way.

 

*sigh* Again I say just dump the poor guy. You clearly have inappropriate feelings for your step bro. If you didn't you wouldn't have to stop yourself from being flirty and wrestling and all the other stuff while your boyfriend isn't around. You wouldn't have to make rules like "don't be in a hot tub with him in just your panties" because you wouldn't be in a hot tub at all with some other dude you used to "experiment" with, whether your boyfriend is around or not.

 

I think you KNOW your conversations could be interpreted as flirting, don't try to portray your boyfriend as paranoid when you are more or less to me cheating on him. You spend time with other men in a hot tub and this is a man you used to fool around with. You don't get a pass because it is your step brother.

 

So I'd just say dump your boyfriend. You are in a lose lose situation. If you actually do love him you owe him the truth now..not at some indeterminate time in the future. If you can't tell him the truth then face the fact you can't love him that much. But I feel due to your lies now and your past with your step brother there is no chance this relationship can survive if he knows the truth. But I also think he is owed the truth nonetheless. So it is the ultimate test of if you truly love him: will you give him what he is owed, honesty, knowing it could cost you him?

 

The only way for you to keep your boyfriend is to lie to him about another man. Which if you are okay with doing then you don't love him so then what is the point? Especially since it's not like you can kick your step brother out so..yeah.

 

Please tell him the truth immediately if you plan to stay. Also please stop acting like he is crazy/paranoid. Especially considering you experimented with your step brother in the past so you KNOW his suspicions are accurate! I feel sorry for you because this is a big mess, but I feel your boyfriend is owed the truth. Yeah it will not be comfortable at all but..it has to be done.

[Spectre]

I have to give you credit again, as your thinking really is sharp in the above statement. No teenager ever gives due consideration to "what IF we broke-up and he told people?"

 

So I'm glad that you have considered that.

 

But ugh this entire line of thought falls apart because why wasn't she thinking "gee what if he tells people" when she decided to mess around with her step brother? She has zero way of knowing he never will, and she had zero way of knowing that at the time she did it.

 

She also frankly doesn't get to lie to her boyfriend just to save her reputation. This is why I said dump him. She clearly behaves inappropriately with him, doesn't see many problems with it, calls the boyfriend paranoid, seems to be upset at how he could DARE think these things. This to me doesn't sound like a sharp teenager.

 

Sounds like a normal teen: did something dumb and now think they can lie about it. In fact it sounds like a normal teenage girl who thinks she can deceive the men she dates due to poor choices in her past.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre

[Buddhist]

I'm beginning to think this thread is actually a troll post. The further it goes on the more she admits to. Oh! I only romp around the house in my underpants with my step-bro whom I used to make out with.....but I promise we don't touch each other anymore....

[Space Ritual]

I'm beginning to think this thread is actually a troll post. The further it goes on the more she admits to. Oh! I only romp around the house in my underpants with my step-bro whom I used to make out with.....but I promise we don't touch each other anymore....

 

either that or it's a West Virginia Christmas Carol

[The Way I Am]

Him not telling you the details of the girls he dated is not the same as you not telling him about your sb. What would be the same is if he were hanging around some girl acting flirty and it made you uncomfortable. Then you asked him if anything was going on with that girl, and he said they're just friends. But in reality, it was one of the girls he used to date. How would you feel about that? Would you want him to keep that a secret from you?

 

Say 5-10 years down the road, that girl stayed friends with him and was part of his life throughout your marriage. Then one day he finally tells you oh yeah, remember when he said there was nothing between them. That wasn't totally true. He used to fool around with her before you two met. Would you be okay with that?

 

Either tell your bf now or break up with him. There's a chance he might be understanding if you explain it was a childish thing that you did and don't feel that way anymore. But that you understand your bf's perspective, and you want to work with him to do whatever will make your bf feel comfortable about your step brother.

 

Since you probably won't be honest or break up with him, if you do keep lying to him and get married, don't ever tell him the truth. Finding out that you married him with this lie between you is going to be much harder to take than it would hearing about it now. That will feel like his life is built on a lie.

Edited December 24, 2015 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

Oh. And your bf probably doesn't actually think you've done anything. (Though you know you have so cut out the indignity.) He's probably most worried that your step brother *wants* to do something and that you might be willing if sb tried something.

[Poutrew]

I don't think it's a troll post, but I also don't think she is telling us everything they - she and her stepbrother actually did either. Here's another thought: You said you are religious and saving yourself for marriage. OK. What have you actually done with you boyfriend? Just how intimate have you been with him? It could be he is getting all twisted up inside because you have actually done more with your step brother than you have done with the man you claim is your boyfriend. I know if it were me, and I found out my girlfriend gets into the spa with her brother wearing only panties, while at the same time she is saying to me "Wait - I will do all those things to you that you are dreaming of, but only after we get married." I'd be seriously messed up. I'd think you are a girl who wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

 

Your boyfriend is thinking: "No wonder she isn't horny with me. She is getting all her needs met in-house with a willing brother. I AM JUST THE THIRD WHEEL IN THIS RELATIONSHIP." If you really want to keep your boyfriend, and are willing to prove to him how much you love him you need to throw caution to the wind and sit him down and tell him everything. EVERYTHING. Then give him a BJ. It even says in the bible (old testament, I think. Can't remember chapter or verse though) that when two people are Horney, even God doesn't expect you to wait til your wedding day. Have Sex, just tell him you want to marry NOW. He will either run back to mama, his scared tail between his legs, or you will very soon be called Mrs. <BF's last name>.

 

 

If you are unwilling to do this, then just set the poor guy free to find someone who doesn't diddle relatives.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

But ugh this entire line of thought falls apart because why wasn't she thinking "gee what if he tells people" when she decided to mess around with her step brother? She has zero way of knowing he never will, and she had zero way of knowing that at the time she did it.

 

 

What "falls apart" is any trace of logical thinking you ever thought you understood.

 

 

If you and I go out and do a drug deal with one another, the reason YOU don't tell anyone about my drug dealing is because you know that I'll then tell others about your drug dealing!

 

 

Once you tell-all to a 3rd party whom you have zero control/leverage over, tiz only then that you might seriously have to fear your secret getting out via someone who does not share the same secret.

 

 

SO here again, common sense assures that she should not fess-up to the boyfriend. For reasons the least of which is that she can always tell him, but she can never un-tell him.

 

 

 

 

Trisha isn't aware that this website is filled with people whose backward logic when thinking about their own extramarital affairs is that they should devastate their partner by confessing, as IF that is the right thing to do, when the only real reason they try to justify so doing is to assuage their own guilt.

 

 

We're not yet clear on whether Trisha made-out with her new-at-the-time step-brother while her present-day relationship was ongoing. If not, then she owes her boyfriend zero explanation about it.

 

BUT at the same time, Trisha should cease ALL of the flirty behavior and extreme familiarity with the step-brother.

 

 

And she has every right to be "living with" someone she has previously been intimate with, given that it was through no true choice of her own that she was initially put there.

[trishaweston]

Again, thx for all your replies.

 

Yes, I can appreciate honesty in a relationship, and I can understand why some of you think I should tell my bf everything about my brother and I, but like I said, I honestly just don't think this is the right time. With him already being suspicious, I don't see how a revelation like that could give him any peace of mind. In fact, like someone said, I fear he might even break up with me. Plus, I also have to consider my brother. We both promised each other we would never tell ANYONE, and since I posted here I've asked him his opinion on me telling my bf about us, and he strongly opposed that. He fears that it would just lead to a fight between him and my bf, and he's concerned about our reputation, as am I. We both know that if people find out about us we both will be labeled something terrible, just look at what people here are saying, we would be called 'hill f*cks' and stuff like that, and it would be VERY embarrassing if our parents found out. So I have to agree with him that right now it is simply out of the question. I made a commitment to my brother not to tell anyone, and he did the same with me, and I think that we both have to honor that until we both agree that it would be proper to tell someone. So love or not, I have to also consider my brother in all this, as well as the social repercussions and our reputations, and in light of all this I'm sure you all can see why telling my bf really isn't an option right now. So no, Spectre, I don't think I have a right to lie to my bf to save MY reputation, but I do think I have a right to not tell him something to save my brother's reputation. Not telling is not "lying", and this isn't just about me and my bf. I have my brother's reputation to think about too. But thank you for your honest input.

 

Poutrew, the decision to not have sex before marriage was both of ours. We are both very committed to our faith, like I said we even met at church, and after crossing the line once too many times early in our relationship, we both decided to tone it down to avoid the temptation. So giving him a bj is out of the question, and this in and of itself couldn't be his problem. Not to mention that early on we did get fairly intimate, not to the point of bjs or hjs, but there was lots of touching and petting while we made out. We both decided we were "playing with fire" and so we toned it down, and in light of this I would think my bf would know that I certainly wouldn't do anything with anyone else who wasn't even my bf. He knows I'm not that kind of girl, even with him, the one I love and want. And he definitely doesn't think I'm not horny for him. We both desire each other very much, and we both know this, we just have made a vow not to act on these feelings until we have properly committed ourselves. So I'm sure that isn't an issue, really.

 

Again, I've tried to think about what could have made him so insanely suspicious of us, but the only thing I can come up with is that he must have snooped on my FB msgs. But he hasn't told me that (probably because he doesn't want me to know he snooped) and I'm basing that solely on the timing. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he started asking me all those personal questions about us, as well as complaining about how "touchy-feely" we were and why am I getting in the hot tub with him in my underwear. I detected the change and immediately suspected snooping. Then I went over some of my recent convos with my brother and I could see how he might have misinterpreted it. An already jealous person could easily have gotten the wrong impression, but still, I wouldn't expect someone who knows me well, like my bf, to think something like that. But that is all I can think of at this point.

[MidnightDream]

Look matter of the fact, there is something between you and your step brother, even if it was 4 years ago.

 

It is not incest, it is not gross. If you are not blood related it IS NOT incest.

 

Maybe I'm just biased since my parents are step siblings, but I can't wrap my idea around it being gross and 'totally out there', if it's not your true brother?

 

Your boyfriend has every right to be worried!! You are deliberately hiding stuff from him which shows deep down you know it's wrong.

 

Just keep thinking about that.. If you didn't/weren't doing anything wrong you wouldn't be keeping things from your boyfriend.

 

Also: if you don't mind me asking what were the conversations between you and your brother? I don't really understand how you can misinterpret a conversation between just sibling as sexual and romantic?

Edited December 24, 2015 by MidnightDream

[trishaweston]

Midnight, I've already shared the reasons why I don't want to tell my bf everything about me and my brother. There is nothing going on between us, so I have nothing to "hide". Plus, you yourself have said that it isn't gross nor incest if you are step siblings, and this happened before my bf and I got serious, so how was it wrong? So I do not feel guilty for not telling my bf because I promised not to tell ANYONE, and I was not in a relationship with him then. Of course I would never do anything like this now because I'm in a relationship, and if I did, of course I should tell him. But what happened between my brother and I was before I was with my bf, so I do not think it is wrong for me to put off telling him at this sensitive time. Considering the jealousy issues he's having, I think it's obvious that now would not be the best time to tell him.

 

The conversations were just us joking around, but I could see my bf being stupid enough to take them seriously. In the last one, he was talking about working out, and I made some joking comments about some of his body parts. And in the one before that, I was showing him my new tongue ring and we made some joking comments about it that could easily be misinterpreted if you didn't know we were joking. I suspected he read them because it was right after he was alone with my laptop that his inappropriate questions starting coming.

[VeveCakes]

Those convos and jokes are not typical for brother and sister though - a brother joking about his sisters use for a tongue ring? Come on, that us flirting, isn't it? No wonder your bf is jealous.

[Orije]

I can't wrap my head around this at all. So what i gathered from all of this is that you asked us our opinions on why your boyfriend might be jealous and suspicious about you and your step brother. Once you give us obvious reasons to why he should be jealous (cuddling, touching/petting/ seen each other naked/half dressed), you begin to tell us that IF you told him this that you would understand him jealous at this moment. Then you hit the side of saying you won't tell your boyfriend at all because you made a promise to your brother in which you had a thing with at one time and with this truth your boyfriend will actually leave you.

 

Isn't the number one thing in a relationship is to be healthy and steer away from lying to each other? If you truly loved him you would tell him and see the outcome of your past because it might happen eventually. What i can't get is why you even asked us because when you give your obvious reasons to why your boyfriend might be jealous and we give you the advice, you decline it. Are you that oblivious to the situation? I feel sorry for your boyfriend. Also you can think your step brother won't tell anyone your secret, but i bet with a lot of alcohol or any other gateway drug and it'll come out faster than you can think. Heck it might already be in the air and if you keep playing with lies and fate in which it will come out.

[Spectre]

Again, thx for all your replies.

 

Yes, I can appreciate honesty in a relationship, and I can understand why some of you think I should tell my bf everything about my brother and I, but like I said, I honestly just don't think this is the right time. With him already being suspicious, I don't see how a revelation like that could give him any peace of mind. In fact, like someone said, I fear he might even break up with me. Plus, I also have to consider my brother. We both promised each other we would never tell ANYONE, and since I posted here I've asked him his opinion on me telling my bf about us, and he strongly opposed that. He fears that it would just lead to a fight between him and my bf, and he's concerned about our reputation, as am I. We both know that if people find out about us we both will be labeled something terrible, just look at what people here are saying, we would be called 'hill f*cks' and stuff like that, and it would be VERY embarrassing if our parents found out. So I have to agree with him that right now it is simply out of the question. I made a commitment to my brother not to tell anyone, and he did the same with me, and I think that we both have to honor that until we both agree that it would be proper to tell someone. So love or not, I have to also consider my brother in all this, as well as the social repercussions and our reputations, and in light of all this I'm sure you all can see why telling my bf really isn't an option right now. So no, Spectre, I don't think I have a right to lie to my bf to save MY reputation, but I do think I have a right to not tell him something to save my brother's reputation. Not telling is not "lying", and this isn't just about me and my bf. I have my brother's reputation to think about too. But thank you for your honest input.

 

Poutrew, the decision to not have sex before marriage was both of ours. We are both very committed to our faith, like I said we even met at church, and after crossing the line once too many times early in our relationship, we both decided to tone it down to avoid the temptation. So giving him a bj is out of the question, and this in and of itself couldn't be his problem. Not to mention that early on we did get fairly intimate, not to the point of bjs or hjs, but there was lots of touching and petting while we made out. We both decided we were "playing with fire" and so we toned it down, and in light of this I would think my bf would know that I certainly wouldn't do anything with anyone else who wasn't even my bf. He knows I'm not that kind of girl, even with him, the one I love and want. And he definitely doesn't think I'm not horny for him. We both desire each other very much, and we both know this, we just have made a vow not to act on these feelings until we have properly committed ourselves. So I'm sure that isn't an issue, really.

 

Again, I've tried to think about what could have made him so insanely suspicious of us, but the only thing I can come up with is that he must have snooped on my FB msgs. But he hasn't told me that (probably because he doesn't want me to know he snooped) and I'm basing that solely on the timing. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he started asking me all those personal questions about us, as well as complaining about how "touchy-feely" we were and why am I getting in the hot tub with him in my underwear. I detected the change and immediately suspected snooping. Then I went over some of my recent convos with my brother and I could see how he might have misinterpreted it. An already jealous person could easily have gotten the wrong impression, but still, I wouldn't expect someone who knows me well, like my bf, to think something like that. But that is all I can think of at this point.

 

Ah so you have the right to lie to him to save some OTHER DUDE's rep. Yep, such love from you.

[Spectre]

SO here again, common sense assures that she should not fess-up to the boyfriend. For reasons the least of which is that she can always tell him, but she can never un-tell him.

 

No the thing is..it's never common sense to lie to a partner. She should just dump the guy, she has zero right to deceive him.

 

Trisha isn't aware that this website is filled with people whose backward logic when thinking about their own extramarital affairs is that they should devastate their partner by confessing, as IF that is the right thing to do, when the only real reason they try to justify so doing is to assuage their own guilt.

 

The guy has every right to know the kind of person he is with. So there is no scenario where it is okay for her to stay with him and keep it from him. Gee MAYBE she shouldn't of fooled around with the creepy step bro? Maybe she should stop the little hot tub parties with the d-bag?

 

We're not yet clear on whether Trisha made-out with her new-at-the-time step-brother while her present-day relationship was ongoing. If not, then she owes her boyfriend zero explanation about it.

 

It doesn't matter if it happened while they are together. Fact is first she is someone willing to make out with a step brother. That to me is shady and something I'd want to know about my gf. Beyond that she is living in the same house as a dude she used to mess around with and sit in hot tubs in her panties with. There is never ever ever going to be a scenario where zero explanation makes any sense.

 

And she has every right to be "living with" someone she has previously been intimate with, given that it was through no true choice of her own that she was initially put there.

 

She has zero right to lie about it though. She choice to fool around with creepy step bro, she chose to act crazy and like the boyfriend is crazy for DARING to suggest shadiness from the shady people who mess around with step relatives. She is now choosing to lie about it, and for what? To protect some other dude of course.

 

So please do not make this out to be a "sharp" teen. Just comes off like a normal selfish teen to me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Isn't the number one thing in a relationship is to be healthy and steer away from lying to each other? If you truly loved him you would tell him and see the outcome of your past because it might happen eventually.

 

 

 

LOL - that is clueless.

 

 

What in the heck does "health" have to do with relationship priorities? Tell that to all of the partners with cancer-stricken S.O.'s.

 

 

Trisha, that logic quoted above is the absurd logic I warned of earlier, which comes from boards like these.

 

 

The "number one thing in a relationship" is caring for your partner... and that means avoiding hurting him when there is no reason for so doing.

 

 

 

And Trisha,

 

 

I would think my bf would know that I certainly wouldn't do anything with anyone else who wasn't even my bf. He knows I'm not that kind of girl, even with him, the one I love and want. And he definitely doesn't think I'm not horny for him. We both desire each other very much, and we both know this, we just have made a vow not to act on these feelings until we have properly committed ourselves. So I'm sure that isn't an issue, really.

 

 

 

I can see that those convictions are strong in your mind, and while I don't doubt them one bit, it is not as apparent to the outside world as it is within you.

 

 

Now when you get down the road, and, say, you are, uh, conceiving your 3rd child... that very strength implied above is, uh, (gonna make that occasion feel THAT much more satisfying (in, uh, multiple ways) ).

 

... BUT in order to clear a path toward granting yourself that future experience, (as you now are seeing more clearly) you're gonna need to be more clear and firm on the boundaries with your step brother.

 

 

... and while this reads like a more sordid situation than it really is, and we can see that overt sexual contact isn't really a presently-threatening issue here, you are still likely to evolve forwardly when partly motivated by all of this, uh, written inspiration you've been receiving.

 

 

More briefly, we GET that the inner conviction is there, but now you're gonna make perceptible-to-the-outside alterations which will help you to stay on course.

[Spectre]

Yep, so lie to your significant other and spin it off like you are martyring yourself because..gosh darn it you just don't want to hurt them only to get rid of your guilt. Whoever heard of just not being shady in the first place? Of not lying in the first place? No, lets just pretend it is better to lie.

 

Advise this girl to lie so she can continue to sap the life from her boyfriend, to steal potentially years more of his life while she frolicks around with her creepy bro when the boyfriend is not around. Yay half naked hot tub parties for all! Followed by flirty wrestling and some nice totally platonic FB convo's that you would need to be a paranoid jerk to think anything of them.

 

Let us just nip this sick thought in the butt: it is never okay to lie. I frankly don't care if being honest hurts your partner, most people are not so fragile they can't take pain.

[The Way I Am]

Not telling is not "lying", and this isn't just about me and my bf.

 

A lie by omission is still a lie. You'll find that people who've been deceived by their partners are not comforted by the concept that there partners didn't "actually" lie to them.

 

So you wouldn't have any problem with your bf doing the exact same thing and hiding that he'd had intimate contact with another female you were jealous of in order to protect her reputation?