Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 When I had my DDay, my H told me he was going to call OM's long term gf, after our first MC session I asked if he did, he said no bc he wanted OM to be away from us & he felt that if OM & gf broke up, that OM would chase after me. He just wanted him out of our lives. So I'm curious, is there anyone that wanted to R but the OM or OW chased after your WS even more after A had been outed?
road Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 How can it blow up the? What more can the OM do to the BH? The OM is already doing the BH's wife. Not exposing the OMW is a huge mistake. For most OM wait for the dust to settle and the smoke to clear and try to restart the affair. With the BH chickening out on doing exposure he made the OM escape consequences for his actions. Even if the OM decides not to cheat with the old WW, he will most likely go cheat again with a new WW and wreck another marriage. All because the OM escaped facing any consequences. Tell your BH time to man up. For having the OMW no about the affair will be an extra set of eyes keeping the OM away from his WW. How did you meet the OM, through work? 8
Popsicle Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 With men in particular, just the BH's talking to the OM and firmly telling him to stay away from his wife is enough. Most men will be scared and abide. Did your H actually talk to the OM?
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) How can it blow up the? What more can the OM do to the BH? The OM is already doing the BH's wife. Not exposing the OMW is a huge mistake. For most OM wait for the dust to settle and the smoke to clear and try to restart the affair. With the BH chickening out on doing exposure he made the OM escape consequences for his actions. Even if the OM decides not to cheat with the old WW, he will most likely go cheat again with a new WW and wreck another marriage. All because the OM escaped facing any consequences. Tell your BH time to man up. For having the OMW no about the affair will be an extra set of eyes keeping the OM away from his WW. How did you meet the OM, through work? No, i didn't meet him at work. I think H made the right choice. If he would have told her OM would have chased me with everything had. I wanted to fix my marriage but I don't know (at that exact time) if that would have changed things. I was curious if that's happened to anyone? Personally I wouldn't tell another BS either, why would you take so much time to care about OP if you want to R? Or even if you don't, I'm not one to ever tell. Edited December 22, 2015 by Whoknew30 Spell check changing words...
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 With men in particular, just the BH's talking to the OM and firmly telling him to stay away from his wife is enough. Most men will be scared and abide. Did your H actually talk to the OM? I don't think so, I know he tried calling but he did run into him at a gym (they had signed up for the same class) as soon the class was over, OM left. H came home laughing about it. This was a at least a year later
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 How can it blow up the? What more can the OM do to the BH? The OM is already doing the BH's wife. Not exposing the OMW is a huge mistake. For most OM wait for the dust to settle and the smoke to clear and try to restart the affair. With the BH chickening out on doing exposure he made the OM escape consequences for his actions. Even if the OM decides not to cheat with the old WW, he will most likely go cheat again with a new WW and wreck another marriage. All because the OM escaped facing any consequences. Tell your BH time to man up. For having the OMW no about the affair will be an extra set of eyes keeping the OM away from his WW. How did you meet the OM, through work? Also he didn't "chicken out" my H isn't the scared type. He just thought about it & felt it wasn't a good idea. 1
katielee Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 yep, all parties told.... and I have never heard of an AP "chasing" after the affair is outed. Usually, they are on the repair my marriage warpath, begging for forgiveness, tail between legs. why not tell? Actions have consequences, affairs need to be brought out in the light of day to stop often times. The BS NEEDS to know their WS was having sex with someone else. Its a health issue. Not telling would make me complicit. 2
Midwestmissy Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I contacted the bh. Told him I had receipts to hotels and flights and gave him the dates. All of the dates were trips I had taken with my wh, I knew she couldn't say she'd been with him. He emailed me back that she couldn't have gone on those trips (I know, right). So I said oh then he took your wife to lousy roadside places but he's been wining and dining someone else at the 4 seasons. Ask your wife if she knows who it could be? He said his wife was shocked and clueless and didn't know about another woman. I was a bit cold to the bh because he had known about the affair and not told me. I was so tired of these people frankly. I did tell my wh after the fact what I had done, so that if he heard rumblings about him being at the 4 seasons with another woman popped up, he'd know the source and could shake it off. She never contacted wh again because she thought she was the lesser oow. I didn't care if my h left, nor did I know if I wanted to stay - but I needed to get that annoying gnat out of my life. It worked and it was victimless. I read about another poster (here or somewhere else) doing it and thought it might work. This was all a while ago - not sure if I'd proceed the same way today, but it didn't cause me problems, I'm just not super proud of myself. I was really hurt and didn't want her to think she'd had anything special with my wh. Again, might not behave like that today. 1
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 yep, all parties told.... and I have never heard of an AP "chasing" after the affair is outed. Usually, they are on the repair my marriage warpath, begging for forgiveness, tail between legs. why not tell? Actions have consequences, affairs need to be brought out in the light of day to stop often times. The BS NEEDS to know their WS was having sex with someone else. Its a health issue. Not telling would make me complicit. She wasn't a BS, she was a gf & looking back I think OM wanted out. I think she was his safety. Infact after I told him I confessed & probably getting a divorce (the 2 days after my confession was a little crazy) he was calling all the time bc he thought H & I might break up. He seemed happy about it & I know he was barely sleeping with her. Now OW, I never knew if she had a BF, I never cared enough to ask.
Mrs. John Adams Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 In our case...my om was single and so was his ow...so there was no Significant other to tell anything to. My husband did not confront my om...I did not confront his ow. I think he probably regrets that he did not confront him. I do not regret that i did not confront her. It was over..... 1
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 In our case...my om was single and so was his ow...so there was no Significant other to tell anything to. My husband did not confront my om...I did not confront his ow. I think he probably regrets that he did not confront him. I do not regret that i did not confront her. It was over..... That's how I felt. When I talked to OW, I had called back a number, I had no clue it was even a OW, I never talked to her again bc I never saw the point.
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 So I'm curious, is there anyone that wanted to R but the OM or OW chased after your WS even more after A had been outed? Yes. OM kept coming hard after my STBXW even after everything was outed. However the only reason it was an issue was because my STBXW allowed him to still keep coming hard. Contacting her, seeing her, blah blah blah. As long as the WS sets the boundaries and cuts off all communication, then it's not an issue. But if the OW/OM chases still, then that is because the WS isn't doing their part. 5
ladydesigner Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Best way to stop an A or at least make things more difficult for AP's in affairyland is to expose. It is a well known fact. 2
oldshirt Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Most OM' s are banging MW because it's quick, cheap, easy, NSA poon. If you do anything that makes it uncomfortable for them or makes it cost them anything, 90% are going to exit stage left as fast as they can. If they have a spouse or steady GF, the vast vast majority are going to throw the WW under bus and go into damage control mode with their primary partner. It's rare that they will immediately break up up after OBW is notified. It will be rarer still that the OM will come full force after WW. It is a possibility but statistically speaking the odds are tremendously in favor of the OM running for the hills.
NotCamelot Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I told the AP's wife as fast as I could find her. Discovered the A at 7:30AM Called her AP at 8:01AM Called my W at 8:05AM He called my W to let her know I called him I Started trying to find out who and where to find his W immediately. A few hours later, I had her on the phone. Smartest move I made. My W did not hear from him again that day. His W called me several times that day. The next morning my W and the OM had a 2 minute "it's over" phone call. His world, both real and fantasy, came crashing down very heavily on his head --- because of my calls. Yep, smartest move I made.....and, in retrospect, it was the exact thing to do. 2
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 The only way I'd ever tell is if the OP was fully harassing me. Besides that, I just wouldn't. I could care a less about AP BS, that's their problem. My spouse is my problem. I don't disagree with other's for doing it but for me I just don't think it's productive. If my spouse can't stop after I know, I wouldn't stay married to them. I'm his wife, not his parent. I only parent my kids if I have to parent my spouse, I'd rather not have one. 2
ShatteredLady Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 My H's OW is single so it was never a question for me. In my family the BS was informed & left her WH who then offered the WW the world & they became a couple. People still say "They would never of ended-up together if his W hadn't dumped him!". I don't know but it would be a concern for me....who wants a partner who would leave under ANY circumstance though? I think I'd tell now but I get your H gut reaction at the time. 2
katielee Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I could care a less about AP BS, that's their problem. so you dont' think someone should be informed when their health is in danger? 6
NotCamelot Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Well...... for me it was a quick and easy way to both hurt him and cause an end to the A at the same time. It did both. And, from what I read, it usually does. 2
ladydesigner Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 so you dont' think someone should be informed when their health is in danger? So true! In the case of an STD damn right you should tell. I ended up with 2 stds from the MOW 3
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 so you dont' think someone should be informed when their health is in danger? I don't care about the AP at all. That's their problem & if I don't have a STD & my spouse doesn't then our health isn't in danger. My problem is my spouse, that's it. I was more concerned about how H & I got to that point. I don't like to ever lose focus of what's really important. IMO all that other crap are distractions, if you want to R. 1
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 So true! In the case of an STD damn right you should tell. I ended up with 2 stds from the MOW No, you ended up with a STD from your husband. He could have got that from anyone. If he didn't cheat, you wouldn't have got it. 3
ladydesigner Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 No, you ended up with a STD from your husband. He could have got that from anyone. If he didn't cheat, you wouldn't have got it. Your logic is entertaining 8
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I don't care about the AP at all. That's their problem & if I don't have a STD & my spouse doesn't then our health isn't in danger. My problem is my spouse, that's it. I was more concerned about how H & I got to that point. I don't like to ever lose focus of what's really important. IMO all that other crap are distractions, if you want to R. I'm sure your tune would be pretty different if someone had information and withheld it from you. 6
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 I'm sure your tune would be pretty different if someone had information and withheld it from you. Nope. A lot of people knew of my H A & of mine to be honest. I never got mad at anyone, bc I don't want to bring anyone into our crap. It's our crap to dispose of, not anyone else's. Where all those people at the alter with you? No, so why does anyone owe you anything but your S?
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