skier10 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 A back story, I'll try to be brief. She got dumped by BF of 7 years last spring. I was her friend before that so we hung out and things got really datey - dinners, walks, museums, etc. I fell for her (foolish but emotions aren't subject to logic). She, still distraught from the breakup moved to a different city. I had reason to be there some soon after she moved and things seemed even more romantic. Over the summer we didn't see each other much, texted less. This fall I was there weekly for work. She made time in her 80 hours/week schedule, each time we hung out for hours, did date stuff still. Some weeks she seemed to be very into me and other's she was more withdrawn. On the last weekend I was down there I asked her out. She didn't immediately say yes or no. Later she texted me that it wasn't a good idea for us to date but that we should keep it friends. I texted her basically ok, was really disappointed and haven't contacted her in the 2 months since. Last week she texted me about the name of a place we had gone and tonight she sort of asked if she could go skiing with me tomorrow (she asked for a ride to the resort and in the past this means we end up skiing together). I have been doing my own stuff for the past two months. Now she it seems she's chasing after my attention some. The question is how do I act now when we hang out? Do I remain friendly but cool? I need some advice on where I go from here. I still do really like her and would like to date. I was never sure if she rejected me for me or because she was not over her ex (some signs of this) or because we were in different cities. Thanks
jen1447 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Why not just ask her? As to how you act, you're being a bit of a dick honestly. You start out as friends, she has a break up, you try to move in romantically, she doesn't want that (and states so clearly) but still wants your friendship, and in response you withdraw your friendship. Why not just treat her exactly like what she is - your friend? If you can't handle that, you should be honest and tell her up front that you can't do the friendship thing w/her rather than being a fake friend or someone w/ulterior motives trying to secretly weasel back in. 1
Author skier10 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 I’m sorry if I come off as defensive. My dilemma is that I still do like her, I withdrew because I can’t just be her friend right now. You have no idea how hard it is to really like someone and have front row seats to them hooking up with tinder guys. I can’t help but wonder if she said no because of logistics or her still having feeling for her ex or something other than not liking me. The way she said no – not until a few hours later (after consulting with her girlfriends and thinking it over) makes me think there might be something. Thanks for hearing me out, I sort of needed to vent. But do you think talking to her now is my best option?
phineas Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I’m sorry if I come off as defensive. My dilemma is that I still do like her, I withdrew because I can’t just be her friend right now. You have no idea how hard it is to really like someone and have front row seats to them hooking up with tinder guys. I can’t help but wonder if she said no because of logistics or her still having feeling for her ex or something other than not liking me. The way she said no – not until a few hours later (after consulting with her girlfriends and thinking it over) makes me think there might be something. Thanks for hearing me out, I sort of needed to vent. But do you think talking to her now is my best option? All im going to say is in those two months you better of gotten laid. You better have options also. If not, going skiing with this woman will not end up the way you want.
Glass Hut Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Make it clear to this girl that you expect to get laid if you go. Sounds harsh, but honestly what do you have to lose? She's on Tinder, knows the game, etc. She knew she had the chance to date you. Now she has a chance to hook up with you or get lost and go skiing with someone she meets on Tinder. Or another girl, but she probably wouldn't do that as it's better to get an ego boost from a guy.
jen1447 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I’m sorry if I come off as defensive. My dilemma is that I still do like her, I withdrew because I can’t just be her friend right now. You have no idea how hard it is to really like someone and have front row seats to them hooking up with tinder guys. I can’t help but wonder if she said no because of logistics or her still having feeling for her ex or something other than not liking me. The way she said no – not until a few hours later (after consulting with her girlfriends and thinking it over) makes me think there might be something. Thanks for hearing me out, I sort of needed to vent. But do you think talking to her now is my best option? I don't know that you have any other option, other than fulfilling the dick destiny and totally blowing her off. This isn't that big a deal ....just tell her how you feel and ask her all this stuff you're wondering. Then be honest w/her and yourself about the answers and what they mean.
Van Helsing Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) This woman is merely using you for free dinners, events, rides, ski trips and what not. Just give it to her straight. Tell her you can't hang out with her as friends because that is not what you want. Let her pout and whine and curse all she wants but stick to your guts and move on to other women who will actually value you and not try to bleed you dry. Edited December 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language ~6
The Way I Am Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Go skiing with her. Expect nothing. But flirt with her and have fun. Look for opportunities to touch her and kiss her. (But don't look like you're looking for them.) Don't tell her how you feel again (she knows already). Show her what fun she could have being with you. If she's not receptive, you have your answer. I've been on the opposite side of similar situations a few times. I've got a guy friend right now who I was attracted to at one point. He was interested in me, but timing didn't work out as I was seeing someone when he made that known. At first, he didn't feel like he could be just friends. Several months later, he changed his mind. We have a lot in common and I like him, but after most times we'd hang out, he'd send me long messages about his feelings. That's not a turn on. I'm not opposed to the idea of dating him, but we don't really have much fun or chemistry when we hang out. So I can't see it going anything beyond friends. If we could ever just interact in a fun way instead of it feeling like I need to keep a distance because of some expectation he has, I might be open to it. In summary: Go. Have fun. No expectations.
The Way I Am Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 During these almost dates that got romantic, why didn't you kiss her?
angel.eyes Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 My guess is that she's looking to restart your (platonic) friendship now that you've had time to accept that she isn't romantically interested in you. If you have no interest in being a platonic friend, you need to be upfront about that. Tell her that you still have romantic feelings for her, and you can't just be friends. That you want to date. If you aren't honest about why you're being friendly, you're going to end up being very frustrated and waste a lot of time. 2
Author skier10 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) If it is my destiny to feel some way so be it. I'm pretty sure she wasn't using me for free **** seeing as we nearly always split the bill. I didn't kiss her because I'm a coward. I know exactly when I could have and should have and didn't and I regret it. I'm really not sure if I want a platonic right now or not. I do but idk if I can right now Edited December 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language ~6
The Way I Am Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I'm pretty sure she wasn't using me for free **** seeing as we nearly always split the bill. Don't listen to that poster. That type of attitude is a huge turn-off. I didn't kiss her because I'm a coward. I know exactly when I could have and should have and didn't and I regret it. So stop being a coward. Muster up some confidence, take her skiing and treat it like it's a date. Treat her like any other girl you're taking on a first date. (Make sure it's just her coming along if you haven't yet.) If you get shot down, you won't have to keep wondering what if. Talking about your feelings is how you maintain a relationship, but it's not how you start one. Nobody wants that kind of pressure so quickly. Also, stop putting her on a pedestal. You're attracted to this girl and you like her, but you don't know her in the context of a relationship. That's infatuation. Try not to think of her as this girl you're in love with who rejected you. There could be things about this girl that would be a huge deal breakers for you, but you don't know them because you only know her as a friend. Think of her as someone you want to get to know better and see if you can develop real feelings for beyond the infatuation you feel now. Or... just decide to be friends and tell her you still need more time because you're not ready yet. 1
Glitters Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 A kiss would have sorted out everything ! No confusion situation ! Next time , take her out and go for it. You will get your answer
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