Recently broke up with my long term Girlfriend. Devastated.

[DoritoLover]

Hi

 

I'm new to this, I've always coped with break ups on my own or with friends advice, this time I need some more help..... so here goes....

 

I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend, I had suspicions something wasn't right a few months ago but then a close family member of mine died so the gut feeling was overtaken by grief.

 

My girlfriend worked away for a week or so on a project in November, when she came back she was out and had left her laptop open on the coffee table, a message popped up on Facebook from her to a friend that while she was working on a project she got a crush on this guy she was working with and now she's been texting him all day and i quote ''I'm really into him, I am an idiot''

 

I was devastated, known each other for 10 years and in a relationship for 6. I immediately called her and confronted her with it, she then just kept saying she was sorry and that she'd not been feeling right for a while, so my gut feeling before the bereavement was right.

 

I then told her I'd make it easy for her and said that I was breaking up with her. We lived together as well. I've now moved into my own flat and she lives in the place we shared.

 

I still love her, she's been nothing but kind, supportive and loving towards me until this happened.

 

Since we split up she went out on a date then the same night invited me to her place and we had sex, the day after she said she didn't know what she was doing and was confused. I left it at that. I didn't contact her for a week, then she started calling and texting me everyday wanting to hang out. nothing else happened and she said she wanted us to be friends because we've known each other for so long.

 

I've hung out with her tonight and told her I'm not sure i can be friends, she got very defensive and said she couldn't understand how i could think that after such a long time together.

 

I really don't know what to do for the best guys, when we hang out we have fun, we laugh and joke, she sometimes cuddles up to me and then when I leave to go back to my flat I feel deflated, unhappy and hurt.

 

ANY advice is welcome...

 

Thanks!

[pidgeon1010]

Even though you technically broke up with her, sounds like she was effectively the dumper and you did her a favor. She put up no fight.

 

Right now she is having her cake and eating it too. She has you around for emotional and physical needs--a little boost while she pursues other guys until she finds someone else to replace you with permanently.

 

She has experienced ZERO repercussions for her behavior. Everything has fallen into place just like she wants. The freedom to date other guys and find your replacement while you are at her beck and call. She must be on cloud nine.

[DoritoLover]

Thanks for the reply, I want to get back with her one minute, then the next I feel like telling her I don't even want to be friends. I feel like her doormat at the minute... and that's not how friends treat each other.

 

She now wants to spend New Years Eve with me! :/

[11012015]

I then told her I'd make it easy for her and said that I was breaking up with her.

 

Right move.

 

she got a crush on this guy she was working with and now she's been texting him all day and i quote ''I'm really into him, I am an idiot''

 

she then just kept saying she was sorry and that she'd not been feeling right for a while ...

 

Since we split up she went out on a date ... the day after she said she didn't know what she was doing and was confused.

 

she got very defensive and said she couldn't understand how i could think that after such a long time together.

 

 

She does all that 'after such a long time' and then has the nerve to tell you "how could you think that after such a long time together"? Tell her "You are an idiot" (her words) and leave this relationship with your dignity and self-respect. No NYE. No nothing. She took you for granted because she knew you weren't going anywhere. You need to show her she can't have her cake and eat it too.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Wow.. your ex is extremely selfish! Expecting you to just switch over to friendship after being in a committed relationship for so long is a complete slap in the face.

 

Now she is free to date other guys, including the guy she has a crush on. She is using you to meet her needs until she finds your replacement, then she will walk away leaving you devastated all over again. Only this time you will feel even more betrayed because she used you.

 

It is time she learnt exactly what it is like to no longer have you in her life. Don't be the Plan B guy, you deserve better than that.

 

I strongly recommend going to contact.

[DoritoLover]

Thanks for the reply.

 

She called me earlier for a password she couldn't remember, I told her I didn't think I could be friends and that I need some time to myself to get over the break up, she argued against me and got quite irate saying : how could I think about cutting her out of my life after all we've been through together. Then she said something very strange, she said she still believes in love and maybe if we didn't see each other for a month or so then meet up for a drink.... my head is spinning here. :/

[Scarlett.O'hara]

She is full of ****.

 

You are getting all the proof you need that you are the Plan B guy. Don't put yourself through this!

[LLQ1986]

Your ex is one selfish person! Go NC on her, there's no way you are going to be her friend after what she's done to you.

[Marc878]

She went out on a date quickly right. There is no long term relationship here. There didn't appear to be much remourse either.

 

If you stay connected in any way it'll just stunt your growth or future.

 

Go no contact and develope your life. She isn't ready and may never be for a long term relationship.

 

Most GOOD women who find a good man will do anything to keep him. She's ready to play but wants you as plan B.

 

Most guys. Like you will struggle to let go but she already has. She's moved on and you if you're smart will do the same.

[Fleur de cactus]

Your gf is narcissistic who does not care about other feelings. She is using you as a doormat and your let her using you otherwise you should end this relationship. You need to boost your confidence and self respect . She is a cheater. I don't see why you want to stay with her.

[Marc878]

Now you're into the famous friend zone so she can say he's ok with me seeing others and I don't have to feel guilty about dumping him.

 

How's that gonna work out for you?

 

You'll have plenty of time to wait around for her to come back but then women lose respect for a doormat so she's done with you anyway.

 

You can cry, beg stay in denial but it won't change anything except waste your time and cause you to lose all self respect. There are better out there so go find another.

[DoritoLover]

Thanks again for all your support on here guys!

 

I'd just like to let you all know that I do have other very important aspects of my life that give me confidence and self respect - I'm currently a mature student (39 years old) studying toward a degree in Audio Production and I play in a band in London

 

I know that cutting off contact is the right thing to do but I'm forced into staying in touch until January because of a financial arrangement. I'll not be in touch with her over Christmas as I'm going to see my friends and family for a week, so I intend to use this time to have a good time, and to gain the confidence to walk away in the new year.

 

I hope you all have a great holiday season, thanks so much, this has helped a lot more than I thought it would.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Congratulations about your degree. It takes a lot of guts to go back as a mature student. I wish you all the best.

 

Try and keep contact to an absolute minimum if you can, and enjoy spending time with your family and friends.

 

Take care.

[wow123]

Hi

 

 

 

Since we split up she went out on a date then the same night invited me to her place and we had sex, the day after she said she didn't know what she was doing and was confused.

 

Thanks!

 

 

You hung out with her after she went on a date? C'mon.

[mightycpa]

You hung out with her after she went on a date? C'mon.

At least he banged her! It wasn't as pitiful as it could have been. Give credit where credit is due.

 

I had a GF once and she'd occasionally go out with other guys (we weren't exclusive)...and then have them drop her off at my house after their date. They horn her all up, and I'd finish her off.

 

I felt lucky, not pathetic. If he can live with the emotional component, why not?

[lemondrop21]

I did something similar to this, on the gf's end (not proud of it). I couldn't quite let go of the long term relationship (5 yrs) but the guilt of having major feelings for someone new was crushing to me, so I broke up with my then-bf after about 2 weeks of these overwhelming feelings. I still kept the bf on a string emotionally for many months after that, until he finally said he couldn't take it any more and cut it off. Turns out he had finally met someone new and then a week later was with her.

 

I do feel some sympathy for your ex-gf. My guess is that this is how she feels: she knows you two have been through so much together and worked at the relationship for so long... how could she have such strong feelings for someone else? In some ways she probably hates herself for it and wishes she could just turn off the feelings for the other guy, but she can't. When she wants to hang out with you, it's because she wants to see if she can re-ignite old feelings for you, or get herself to feel the same way about you as she does about the new guy (this will never happen, because she has "new love" feelings for the new guy that she simply can't replicate with you).

 

At the end of the day, the question is whether she can fully recommit to you and the relationship (if you even want her back). You don't want her half-a**ing it, she has to really want it. I think that in order to know whether she really wants it, you need about 6 weeks - 2 months of NC. During this time she can date the other guy if she likes, and also get over the initial shock of not having you in her life at all (which for the first couple weeks will be really bad). Just my opinion.

 

Having done the "just friends" for months thing, I really don't recommend it because it really hurt my ex-bf in the process, and made me feel guilty and stupid in the end. I actually think that, had we gone NC, I may have ended up recommitting to my relationship with my ex... maybe. Impossible to say for sure. Either way, it would have stopped the pain a lot sooner.

 

Best of luck to you.