How do u know when enough is enough? Has anyone been through this kind of situation?

[baltimoregirl42]

After almost eight months I have come to a point where I am asking myself, “When do you throw in the towel?”

 

For those of you on LS who have not read any of my posts, here’s the long and short of it:

 

I am 24, he is 26. He is a smart, passionate, attractive, creative guy. Unfortunately, I have also come to terms that he has a drinking problem. It crept up on me at first. I noticed that every time he would drink a lot it would lead to other things (i.e. doing cocaine, staying up until 7 am, ditching me on my birthday to go blow lines, etc). I gave him an ultimatum and he quit the coke (after many failed attempts).

 

However, he continued to have a habit of saying things (mean things)/doing things when he had been drinking that he didn’t remember the next day and deeply regretted. I threatened to leave many times and did once, but came back when he laid in bed all night sobbing (I know, I know, I gave in.)

 

He abstained from drinking for a time and things were PERFECT. Last weekend we went on vacation with some friends to the beach and he drank (too much) and said yet another awful thing to me in front of everyone in the bar. Something along the lines of “I love you baby. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. By the way, I f*cked a lot of chicks before I met you!” He of course didn’t remember it the next day and I was angry.

 

I know that these things he says/does are not a reflection of who he really is. It’s only when he has been drinking that these things happen. Take alcohol out of the equation and everything is FINE. I am tired of the tears, the heart ache, but I also know that he is not a bad guy and I love him. I’m afraid that I might throw away something that could be “the one” if it weren’t for the drinking. By the way, I drink also, but in a much smaller amout and frequency. I have never dealt with alcoholism before in a relationship and I’m unsure of what to do.

 

He has told me many times he will try to change. As he says he loves me very muchand wants to have me in his life. He has made some big changes (i.e. the coke thing, doesn’t go out drinking as often), but I want more.

 

Sooooo, to get to the point of this post: How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when to “throw in the towel”? How do you know when it is what it is, or is it stupid to hold out hope that someone can change? Is this kind of change a gradual thing or does it take time?

[AnHonestGuy]

Be aware of one thing: The longer you last on this relationship, the worse the breakup can be. This sitch is bound to end up ugly. Donno how many people have posted this very fact: You cannot change anyone.

 

Either he has to go to counciling with you, stick to a progressive treatment or you're better off peeling potatoes on your own. I know it's hard, but TRUST me. Drinking? Cocaine? OMG. Hide the jewelry!!

 

He's possibly a very good guy but people who have these problems come from deep rooted depression or stuff you just haven't seen. Make sure you're secure in yourself. This is going to be hard no matter what direction you go.

 

But I would break it off. You have all the signs of a classic deal breaker all kinds 'a ways. And it sounds like it's only gonna get worse!

[SexKitten]

in a similar siutation, i knew it was enough when i just stopped caring. i left him, he would call and cry and beg and i just had no feeling left. it had finally hit me that i could not do this anymore, and after that it was easy.

 

i think i answered the phone twice when he called, mostly out of guilt, concern, and curiosity.

 

you'll know when you're done, because you'll start questioning yourself. then you'll come to a conclusion. and if you don't, then nope, you're not ready.

 

but you will be.

 

 

 

people like this don't change easily. good luck.

[baltimoregirl42]

I just wish he was a complete jerk/a**hole all the time. Then I wouldn't have any doubts about getting out right this minute.

 

Do people with these kinds of problems ALWAYS have some other deep-rooted issues?

 

Also, I know it's not really important now anyway, but are people with these problems capable of getting better without professional treatment?

 

I'm searching for hope, but rather just curious. I've never dealt with this before.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by baltimoregirl42

 

 

Do people with these kinds of problems ALWAYS have some other deep-rooted issues?

 

Also, I know it's not really important now anyway, but are people with these problems capable of getting better without professional treatment?

 

 

 

1. usually, in my opinion, they do. but not always.

 

2. people are always capable of getting better, it just depends on whether they can try or will try. professional treatment does help some people, not all. and it's a long road even getting to that point, IF they ever do.

 

and he is a complete jerk a**hole to you. you said so. but it's "excused" because he is drunk. this is not cool.

 

being drunk is a part of him now, so it is HIM being a jerk and saying things to you that don't need to be said.

 

he is also being a complete jerk a**hole through his selfishness and taking advantage of your kindness and willingness to let him do this.

 

silence is permission, in some people's opinion. you've become his enabler.

[AnHonestGuy]

Getting better without treatment really just says either you or he is not interested in progressing in the relationship, so why bother??

 

The way I look at it, it's time for him to start taking life seriously because he's got you. If he cannot get better and leave this behind him, you're going to drown with him. Guaranteed.

 

You can find another nice guy. You cannot afford to have a drug addicted partner. Nothing grows from this, and you WILL have enough. When? Depends how much emotional hurt you can endure. The sooner you're away from this, the better.

[whichwayisup]

Great advice from Honestguy.

 

I think you need to really sit and think what you want out of this relationship. IS this guy worth the energy and heartache? He has a problem and nothing will ever change until HE decides to admit his problem and get help. You can't save somebody who doesn't want to be saved.

 

Keep your eyes open and shield your heart.

[SexKitten]

[baltimoregirl42]

He has told me many times that he will change. I know he has made huge changes, but it's not enough for me. However, it has gotten better with time....so now I am torn between saying" F*ck it! My patience is gone! I can't take any more!" and thinking that maybe if I hold out a little longer he can get his sh*t together.

 

Actions speak louder than words though I suppose.

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by baltimoregirl42

He has told me many times that he will change. I know he has made huge changes, but it's not enough for me. However, it has gotten better with time....so now I am torn between saying" F*ck it! My patience is gone! I can't take any more!" and thinking that maybe if I hold out a little longer he can get his sh*t together.

 

Actions speak louder than words though I suppose.

 

If you decide to hold out then you need to set some clear goals with guidlines with him. Then you can say to yourself we agreed to some objectives they weren't met now I'm out.

 

he can't keep saying I'll change and you keep waiting. Set the goals.

 

Personally I think you're ready to leave, but if you want closure, this is one way to get it.

[superfabulous]

My guy said all the sweetest things when he drank....alot and smoked lots of weed...thing is when and if he sobered up the next day- no calls...so basically you need to go with your gut- if you cant deal - get out and find a place where you are happy and get what you need....sometimes space brings clarity. You want to know what its like w/out him, then take a break....and maybe he will change but dont wait for him to change just make the change yourself- your life will improve.

 

good luck