Update. I was married to a stranger.

July 16, 2015

You have to get this all on video or recorder. Get a voice activated one and put it in your pocket or purse. Put a 'nanny cam' up somewhere in a few rooms in the house.

GO to the cop station again from that other town and see if someone can just hear your story. Hopefully a lawyer that they provide can be cheaper or possibly go pro bono with you because of how serious your situation is. There HAS to be lawyers who take cases and genuinely want to help.

She needs to call the local bar association and ask if they have volunteer lawyers who will work for free or work out a payment plan. Also, make sure they know you will have the means to obtain employment as a nurse within the year.

That reminds me, I know I told you earlier to get that degree at all costs, but that was before you shared what happened to your kids. Do you have enough school to get a lesser type of nursing license now than the one you are aiming for and would it pay enough to support you and your kids? Once you got out you could go back and finish the higher degree/license

July 16, 2015

Faldve, please get help somewhere. Maybe try a local faith-based organization or a social worker or even a caring neighbor. You need help and your children need help. People want to help, they just need to be told that there is a need. Whatever your sex life is, that's not the main issue (although I agree it would be better to focus on your kids and yourself, don't waste time with OM). I care about you, many of us here care about you, we think life has dealt you a bad hand and we want to help. Your existing kids also need protection desperately. (Sadly, I believe termination of your pregnancy will prove to be the best choice in a difficult situation.) Hugs....

July 16, 2015

IME, women's shelters are SECRET places, where you go and disappear. Once you go there with your kids, and they accept you, they take you in, and get started getting you legal and operational help to move on, even - or especially - if you can't afford it yourself. And they absolutely will not share your location. In fact, the shelters here in my town, you can't access their addresses. Only if you go to the shelter's offices and get accepted can you then be told where the shelter is. The whole point of them is so that your abusive spouse CAN'T FIND YOU. Not until you've got the legal support to be free of him legally so he can't come after you again.

July 16, 2015

IME, women's shelters are SECRET places, where you go and disappear. Once you go there with your kids, and they accept you, they take you in, and get started getting you legal and operational help to move on, even - or especially - if you can't afford it yourself. And they absolutely will not share your location. In fact, the shelters here in my town, you can't access their addresses. Only if you go to the shelter's offices and get accepted can you then be told where the shelter is. The whole point of them is so that your abusive spouse CAN'T FIND YOU. Not until you've got the legal support to be free of him legally so he can't come after you again.

That's more or less what I thought as well. Although, I'm not sure with the wrinkle that a court has already determined the father didn't abuse the kids and she has apparently not one shred of anything that she is being abused.

The question for OP who said she went to one or more shelters is.......what exactly did they tell you and why did they say they couldn't help you?

July 16, 2015

Go to legalaid.org and see if they have any attorneys in your area.

July 16, 2015

IME, women's shelters are SECRET places, where you go and disappear. Once you go there with your kids, and they accept you, they take you in, and get started getting you legal and operational help to move on, even - or especially - if you can't afford it yourself. And they absolutely will not share your location. In fact, the shelters here in my town, you can't access their addresses. Only if you go to the shelter's offices and get accepted can you then be told where the shelter is. The whole point of them is so that your abusive spouse CAN'T FIND YOU. Not until you've got the legal support to be free of him legally so he can't come after you again.

This to me the first step. If your H is a powerful man in a small town, going to the police station, a lawyer's office, or anything else might do more harm than good. People with control and power issues, an agenda, and the drive to do something can do a lot of harm.

I just keep thinking you said you got with him when you were 14, and now it is YOUR children he has touched....it almost sounds like he is a lifetime predator, depending on the age gap. We may be loathe to say anything on earth is worse than cheating, but I'd wager that marrying your victim an then victimizing your children comes pretty close.....

July 16, 2015

When it comes to solutions, the biggest part of that problem is that she has no family (to speak of) to fall back on, and no money or way to get or make money in a hurry.

Yes, a women's shelter could be the way to go, but if her husband has court-approved custody of the children and she takes them, the law is stacked against her at that point. Does anyone know if a shelter will take her and the children if she does not have legal custody of them?

Something else she might try is to call CPS herself, report the suspected child abuse, and ASK them to become involved for the safety of her children. If CPS responds to that and starts making investigative visits to check on the welfare of the children, proof of the abuse may turn up. At the least, there would be others keeping an eye on the situation which should provide an increased level of safety for both the children and her.

If CPS should happen to end up taking the children, once the children are out of the home her option to remove herself to a women's shelter would then be an open door. And if CPS takes the children due to husband's abuse, his custodial rights to them will be pretty much gone and she will be in a much better position to get her life together for herself and the children and with the law on her side.

July 17, 2015

When it comes to solutions, the biggest part of that problem is that she has no family (to speak of) to fall back on, and no money or way to get or make money in a hurry.

My mom found herself pregnant in 1953 - practically worth getting burned at the stake for back then - in Ohio, and moved all the way to California, alone, at 21, so nobody would know. And went on to have a great life. Just sayin', she could be gathering up a couple hundred dollars and just disappearing. And she'd survive. Drive to another state, find a church, go in and ask for help.

July 17, 2015

I don't know.

She admits to cheating on him many times... and somehow he's the abusive one.

SMH

July 17, 2015

I don't know.

She admits to cheating on him many times... and somehow he's the abusive one.

SMH

I've done my fair share of things wrong. I'm aware of this. The first time I cheated I tried to leave him because no one deserves to be cheated on. He wouldn't let me. I'm aware of my issues. It's not his fault I cheated.

I'm not saying this to excuse my wrongs. I was molested by a boy a few years older than me who lived with my dad from the ages of 8-11. Then at 12 I was coerced into having sex with my sister's friends that were in their 20's.After getting with my husband his friends would get me to hang out with them and they would try to have sex with me. I never learned how to say no to someone. I learned to equate being wanted with sex. It's all I knew.

July 17, 2015

I believe your priority should not be seeking out OM, getting pregnant and worrying about who the father is. You should be dealing with your situation. Not bringing a baby into this mess.

You are right. I feel so stupid now. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. The past years have been such a blur. I don't even remember the majority of it. Other than the things that really stick out. It feels like I just shut down a lot.

July 17, 2015

My suggestion is that her focus needs to be on protecting her children. Not the OM.

My stepfather abused my sister and at age 15, I threatened his life. He left the next week

And yes, I would rather do the time, than here the silent screams of childhood sexual abuse..

I know it is so easy to think that if you haven't been in my shoes. I threatened him once, well I told him he wouldn't ever put his hands on my children again. He took my phone, screamed at me about how I was just psychotic and he hurt me. That's when I went to the ER. The only thing I have to go on is what my 3 and 5 year Olds have told me. I let him convince me that I put it in their heads by having a talk with them about inappropriate touching. He convinced me that they were liars. I will take the guilt I have to my grave. I'll never be able to forgive myself. My children will be protected from now on, even if that means me going to jail.

July 17, 2015

OP, if you go to nationalcac.org, you can look for a CAC near you. I would recommend calling them and telling them what is going on, along with your fears of what your hubby may do. I would ask for a forensic interview of your children and see what can be done to wait until AFTER the interview to involve authorities. I would also report what has happend to YOU to them. If the interviews are on tape (and most centers videotape them), then it won't much matter what your husband tries to do once the disclosure has been documented.

I understand your fear. When you are dealing with someone both unstable AND narcissitically controlling, you really do have to get help on the sly, which is very sad.

Thinking ofyou.

Thank you. I have hope that we will get the help we need now. I wasn't even aware this could be an option.

July 17, 2015

Faldve

You need to contact every shelter you can tomorrow and find out exactly what they will do regarding the custody order that your H has if he or the authorities track you to a shelter.

With regard to money, does your grandmother own a home and would she be willing to get a loan against that home or a second mortgage to come up with the money for your legal fees?

You previously said you had no other family. That's hard to believe. Maybe no close family, but what about aunts/uncles/cousins etc. Time to swallow your pride if there is anyone out there that you can ask for help.

I would also contact a shelter in another state and ask them what will happen if you take your kids to a shelter across state lines under the circumstances where abuse has already been deemed non-existent by another states courts.

I'm going to call around today. I've been researching them online. I do have some family, they for the most part are either poor or unhealthy themselves.

I think a shelter out of state is going to be the best option. I have a feeling that if I tell a family member or ask for help they would contact him.

July 17, 2015

I've done my fair share of things wrong. I'm aware of this. The first time I cheated I tried to leave him because no one deserves to be cheated on. He wouldn't let me. I'm aware of my issues. It's not his fault I cheated.

I'm not saying this to excuse my wrongs. I was molested by a boy a few years older than me who lived with my dad from the ages of 8-11. Then at 12 I was coerced into having sex with my sister's friends that were in their 20's.After getting with my husband his friends would get me to hang out with them and they would try to have sex with me. I never learned how to say no to someone. I learned to equate being wanted with sex. It's all I knew.

There has to be some help available to you in your local area? With all that you've describe here, you may benefit from some counseling to work through some of these issues. But first, you MUST free yourself of the abusive husband and get yourself with the children to safety. Have you sought out ANY victim advocacy groups in your area?

Forget about the OM for now, unless he can help you get away. You must address some the issues you mentioned above before you can even think about a normal healthy and happy relationship.

July 17, 2015

This to me the first step. If your H is a powerful man in a small town, going to the police station, a lawyer's office, or anything else might do more harm than good. People with control and power issues, an agenda, and the drive to do something can do a lot of harm.

I just keep thinking you said you got with him when you were 14, and now it is YOUR children he has touched....it almost sounds like he is a lifetime predator, depending on the age gap. We may be loathe to say anything on earth is worse than cheating, but I'd wager that marrying your victim an then victimizing your children comes pretty close.....

There have been some weird things he's told me that makes me think it's possible he's a life time predator.

He told me his sister, who is two years older, raped him when they were children. She was always tiny and from what he has told me, he was always big for his age.

He told me that a babysitter (a teenage girl) made him and his sister touch each other when they were little.

When he was 18 he told me a friend's mother raped him while he was drunk.

When I first met him he told me elaborate stories about girls he has slept with, yet later on he said he lied and the old woman was the only one.

Just a few months ago he randomly told me that once a friend's little sister tried to get him to sleep with him.

When I got pregnant is when things started getting really weird with him.

July 17, 2015

Faldve

This may be a total fantasy.

But, the reason I asked your husbands age is that is seems very close to a crime in most states if he was having sex with you when you were 14 and he was 18.

Google age of consent/statutory rape for your state.

Even if it was a crime, the statute of limitations may have run out. However, the statute of limitations in some states only starts running when you realize as an adult that you have been the victim of a sexual crime.

Whether or not you could file criminal charges especially where you are or not, you might be able to pursue a civil case where you sue him. Lawyers who file these kinds of suits don't require money up front and will only take your case if they think they can win it. They get paid out of money the court awards you if you win.

I wish it was a fantasy. I wish it would all go away. I looked up the laws and in my state when you're married they can do pretty much anything to you except use physical force to rape you.

Thank you. I wasn't aware I could file a civil suit.

July 17, 2015

You have to get this all on video or recorder. Get a voice activated one and put it in your pocket or purse. Put a 'nanny cam' up somewhere in a few rooms in the house.

GO to the cop station again from that other town and see if someone can just hear your story. Hopefully a lawyer that they provide can be cheaper or possibly go pro bono with you because of how serious your situation is. There HAS to be lawyers who take cases and genuinely want to help.

I started recording him with my phone. I have to wait until I get some money to buy a camera. He took all of the money out of the bank when he got paid this week. I'm going to call around to everywhere I can find.

July 17, 2015

Faldve, please get help somewhere. Maybe try a local faith-based organization or a social worker or even a caring neighbor. You need help and your children need help. People want to help, they just need to be told that there is a need. Whatever your sex life is, that's not the main issue (although I agree it would be better to focus on your kids and yourself, don't waste time with OM). I care about you, many of us here care about you, we think life has dealt you a bad hand and we want to help. Your existing kids also need protection desperately. (Sadly, I believe termination of your pregnancy will prove to be the best choice in a difficult situation.) Hugs....

Terminating was my first thought when I found out. I'm going to ask him if he'd pay for it. My husband might but he only brings in around 350-400 a week.

July 17, 2015

When a married woman has a baby, isn't the husband automatically deemed the father?

July 17, 2015

When a married woman has a baby, isn't the husband automatically deemed the father?

Well, technically, but if the husband knows the wife has cheated, that of course changes things.

And in this case, cheating or not cheating, it is looking more and re like this man is a pedophile-esque predator, so a woman probably wouldn't WANT that kind of man being the father.

July 17, 2015

I know it is so easy to think that if you haven't been in my shoes. I threatened him once, well I told him he wouldn't ever put his hands on my children again. He took my phone, screamed at me about how I was just psychotic and he hurt me. That's when I went to the ER. The only thing I have to go on is what my 3 and 5 year Olds have told me. I let him convince me that I put it in their heads by having a talk with them about inappropriate touching. He convinced me that they were liars. I will take the guilt I have to my grave. I'll never be able to forgive myself. My children will be protected from now on, even if that means me going to jail.

I have been in your shoes Faldve

A lot of your "misdeeds" were done in your teenage years' at a time when you should have been protected. It was really hard to understand and believe your posts given your statements in the other threads, however taking your age and past into account, these indescretions must be forgiven..by you.

It is really time for you to start your second life.

Move forward in a different direction. You are so young. Make all this crap a memory soon.

I will say a prayer and wish you well

July 17, 2015

My children will be protected from now on, even if that means me going to jail.

How about instead you just LEAVE with the kids so no jail time is necessary?

July 17, 2015

How about instead you just LEAVE with the kids so no jail time is necessary?

Her husband has court-ordered custody of the children. If she leaves and takes them without any proof that he has abused them, the law will automatically be on his side.

July 17, 2015

Her husband has court-ordered custody of the children. If she leaves and takes them without any proof that he has abused them, the law will automatically be on his side.

Does she say anywhere why or how he got custody?

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Update. I was married to a stranger.

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