Cancelled my first OLD date...did I do the right thing?

[ishe23]

I was chatting with a guy I met on OKC for about a week. He gave me his cell number and we started texting instead of chatting on the OKC platform. He actually disabled his OKC account after we started chatting because he said he had been debating about getting off of OKC due to privacy reasons. Our first chat via text went really well; we chatted for about 3 hours with both of us wanting to continue the conversation, especially on his end. We had seen each other in person once before IRL. He thought I was attractive and I thought he was attractive. I found myself liking him more after our long chat. I found that we had a lot of things in common and I actually thought he was like the male version of me. I thought, great, what a great way to end the year. I finally found someone who I’m attracted to on all levels and he seems to like me too.

 

Well, after our first long chat, I was initiating 3 out of 4 texts (within a week), and he didn’t seem as thrilled chatting with me after our first, but he told me he still wanted to meet me. He had mentioned meeting me for coffee at least 3x before, so I finally suggested a date and time. He was happy that I still wanted to go on a date with him and I was happy that he was happy because I thought he was losing interest already. This is a summary of the events:

 

Sunday – “met” him on OKC and exchanged a few chats.

 

Tuesday – he gave me his cell; I texted him later on and we chatted for about 3 hours

 

Thursday – I ran into him IRL unexpectedly. We didn’t say hi to each other, so I texted him 2 hours later and apologized to him for not saying hi. He replied back that it was ok and that was it. A few hours later before bedtime, I texted him again to ask him how his day went. We finally set up a date to meet in person, but no location confirmed yet.

 

Friday – He texts me “Happy Friday . 12/21- " ; 12/21 was supposed to be our first meeting. I replied back with a happy face and wished him a happy friday as well.

 

Monday – I text him an hour before he goes to bed a friendly hello. He texts back, but I can tell there was little enthusiasm, especially compared to the first time. After a few texts, he texts me that he has an early meeting the next morning and would be going to sleep. He doesn’t know this, but I have an account on another OLD site and I saw him on there. After he told me he was going to bed, he was actually on that dating site. I wasn’t bothered that he was chatting with other women because we weren’t dating, but I was hurt that he lied to me he was going to bed. He just didn’t want to chat with me anymore via text, and rather, he was on the other dating site.

 

A few minutes later, I texted him that I wasn’t able to meet him anymore and thanked him for chatting with me. The next early morning, he replied back “Well darn. That’s disappointing. Hmmm. Ok.” And that was it. I am bummed because I liked almost everything about him so far (very rare to find that) and I was really looking forward to our date (which was supposed to be today). So I’ve been having a crappy week all leading to the depressing holidays. I was just sensing that he wasn’t that into me and I didn’t want that in the next person that I was going to be with. I want someone who’s as into me as I’m into him and I didn’t want to settle for less. I did that before and it never turned out well.

[losangelena]

Hrm, well that's a bummer, sorry to hear.

 

I do think you jumped the gun a bit, canceling your date, but next time, don't get into long chatting sessions with someone before you meet them. Otherwise, expectations tend to get built up and you can start to read into things that may or may not be there. Furthermore you haven't even met the bloke properly and you're already feeling sad/disappointed. At this point, your emotional investment should be zero.

 

I personally would not carry on with a man for three hours over text before meeting him. Excuse me for saying, but that's a rather piss-poor way of getting to know someone. Save the convo for an in-person meet.

[Yookie]

You sabotaged yourself. Of course he's not that into you yet... you haven't even been on a date! Would you rather him say "I need to check my messages on another dating site before I go to bed."? Calm down and stop getting so emotional so early... especially before meeting face to face and really getting to know the person.

[One_Made_of_Silver]

I was chatting with a guy I met on OKC for about a week. He gave me his cell number and we started texting instead of chatting on the OKC platform. He actually disabled his OKC account after we started chatting because he said he had been debating about getting off of OKC due to privacy reasons. Our first chat via text went really well; we chatted for about 3 hours with both of us wanting to continue the conversation, especially on his end. We had seen each other in person once before IRL. He thought I was attractive and I thought he was attractive. I found myself liking him more after our long chat. I found that we had a lot of things in common and I actually thought he was like the male version of me. I thought, great, what a great way to end the year. I finally found someone who I’m attracted to on all levels and he seems to like me too.

 

Well, after our first long chat, I was initiating 3 out of 4 texts (within a week), and he didn’t seem as thrilled chatting with me after our first, but he told me he still wanted to meet me. He had mentioned meeting me for coffee at least 3x before, so I finally suggested a date and time. He was happy that I still wanted to go on a date with him and I was happy that he was happy because I thought he was losing interest already. This is a summary of the events:

 

Sunday – “met” him on OKC and exchanged a few chats.

 

Tuesday – he gave me his cell; I texted him later on and we chatted for about 3 hours

 

Thursday – I ran into him IRL unexpectedly. We didn’t say hi to each other, so I texted him 2 hours later and apologized to him for not saying hi. He replied back that it was ok and that was it. A few hours later before bedtime, I texted him again to ask him how his day went. We finally set up a date to meet in person, but no location confirmed yet.

 

Friday – He texts me “Happy Friday . 12/21- " ; 12/21 was supposed to be our first meeting. I replied back with a happy face and wished him a happy friday as well.

 

Monday – I text him an hour before he goes to bed a friendly hello. He texts back, but I can tell there was little enthusiasm, especially compared to the first time. After a few texts, he texts me that he has an early meeting the next morning and would be going to sleep. He doesn’t know this, but I have an account on another OLD site and I saw him on there. After he told me he was going to bed, he was actually on that dating site. I wasn’t bothered that he was chatting with other women because we weren’t dating, but I was hurt that he lied to me he was going to bed. He just didn’t want to chat with me anymore via text, and rather, he was on the other dating site.

 

A few minutes later, I texted him that I wasn’t able to meet him anymore and thanked him for chatting with me. The next early morning, he replied back “Well darn. That’s disappointing. Hmmm. Ok.” And that was it. I am bummed because I liked almost everything about him so far (very rare to find that) and I was really looking forward to our date (which was supposed to be today). So I’ve been having a crappy week all leading to the depressing holidays. I was just sensing that he wasn’t that into me and I didn’t want that in the next person that I was going to be with. I want someone who’s as into me as I’m into him and I didn’t want to settle for less. I did that before and it never turned out well.

 

It's never the right thing to cancel a date, unless you offer to reschedule for a specific date and time. By canceling with no explanation, you gave him the impression that you are flaky, and for guys who have been around the block with OLD, once that happens it's game over.

 

As far as him being online when he said he was going to bed, I think you way over-reacted. People who do online dating are multi-dating and talking to other people all the time, before and after dates with others are set. Even if he did lie, you're not his gf. He has no responsibility to account for his time to you until such time as you two are exclusive. It's very early in the game, and I think you were expecting far more of a commitment from this stranger than was warranted at this early point, which makes you look very clingy. You need to cool your engines and slow down.

[ishe23]

Thanks for your replies. He would've been my first meeting with someone from OLD, and I haven't dated in over 15 years since I just got divorced a year ago. I just had a bad feeling as I had been burned before and it didn't turn out well, but from what I found out so far about this guy, I liked what I saw/read.

 

I know that I'll run into him again IRL and I rather just talk to him IRL and introduce myself IRL as well.

 

Also, the reason why we kept chatting for hours is because it seemed like that's what he wanted. He said it was best to text, which I'm not used to because I'm an Oldie; I like talking on the phone instead of texting/chatting.

[mssweet]

I think you sabotaged the relationship before it even started, and set your expectations too high.

[Standard-Fare]

This is all par for the course with online dating, unfortunately.

 

But I don't get it - were you two initially supposed to go out on that Friday, 12/21, but he never followed through? And then he never suggested another meetup date?

 

Also, how did you see each other in real life without being forced to acknowledge the situation?

[ishe23]

This is all par for the course with online dating, unfortunately.

 

But I don't get it - were you two initially supposed to go out on that Friday, 12/21, but he never followed through? And then he never suggested another meetup date?

 

We were supposed to meet today (12/21), but we had not set up a location yet, and part of the reason why I texted him a week ago was to get a location confirmed, but he didn't want to chat with me anymore.

 

Also, how did you see each other in real life without being forced to acknowledge the situation?

Let's just say we were in an awkward situation, but nothing against the law or morals.

[ishe23]

I still like him or I'm still interested in knowing him more. Did I ruin my chances? How can I rectify this now thinking back that I did overreact?

Worse now is to text him again and then for sure not getting a response back. I rather just see him in person. I know where to find him even if it'll be awkward.

[Glass Hut]

Let's just say we were in an awkward situation, but nothing against the law or morals.

 

Do you see him at a strip club?

[Standard-Fare]

We were supposed to meet today (12/21), but we had not set up a location yet, and part of the reason why I texted him a week ago was to get a location confirmed, but he didn't want to chat with me anymore.

 

Oh yeah, sorry, I got the dates mixed up.

 

I think you did shoot yourself in the foot by canceling that date. He didn't really do anything wrong here. It just seems like your texting styles weren't that compatible and maybe you were crossing signals a bit. Also, as you acknowledged yourself, he's perfectly within his rights to be active on another dating site.

 

I think you could be like, "Sorry, can we start over here? Feel like we've had some crossed signals. I'm still interested in meeting up."

 

Of course, the timing couldn't be worse right now with the holidays coming. He probably can't meet up for a while.

[d0nnivain]

You went about this whole thing all wrong & relied too heavily on texting. A 3 hour text conversation? Yuck. I can't imagine anything more tedious.

 

 

With OLD, , , you keep it short & too the point. When & where are we meeting? You then go to the meeting to determine if you like the person.

 

 

You always assume the other person is still active on OLD. If you are told they are going to bed & you see them on social media a few hours later, you accept the white lie because really nobody is going to end a conversation with you (a romantic prospect) by telling you that they want to stop talking to you just so they can go on line.

 

 

I think you may have ruined it because now even if he agrees to another meet you don't trust him (even though your expectations were unreasonable) and he thinks you are flaky so he no longer has much confidence in your word. At best that is a shaky foundation.

[losangelena]

I think you should probably just let this one go.

[Versacehottie]

Hrm, well that's a bummer, sorry to hear.

 

I do think you jumped the gun a bit, canceling your date, but next time, don't get into long chatting sessions with someone before you meet them. Otherwise, expectations tend to get built up and you can start to read into things that may or may not be there. Furthermore you haven't even met the bloke properly and you're already feeling sad/disappointed. At this point, your emotional investment should be zero.

 

I personally would not carry on with a man for three hours over text before meeting him. Excuse me for saying, but that's a rather piss-poor way of getting to know someone. Save the convo for an in-person meet.

 

I agree 100%. And you said you understood that he was online that monday night but then concluded he wasn't that into you and retaliated by canceling because of it. I think he's guy. He's probably smartly decided that you should save the long convos and bf like stuff (talks before bed) until AFTER you go on the first date. It was an appropriate white lie he did. Also if you started initiating texts with him; trying to talk to him before bed etc, you are investing yourself too much already. It puts you at a disadvantage, seems too clingy and you should just be mirroring his attention and letting him initiate. His "not that into you" could have been merely trying to get you to slow down and set a pace that was realistic. Anyway good luck on the next one.

[PegNosePete]

I still like him or I'm still interested in knowing him more. Did I ruin my chances? How can I rectify this now thinking back that I did overreact?

Just give him a call, apologise for blowing him off, and ask if he wants to meet up.

The worst he can say is "no thanks".

You have nothing to lose.

[smackie9]

Before the days of the internet everyone had this illusion that the person they met or had a date with isn't dating others of checking out other options, that they were truly invested...because you had no way of knowing. Today you can easily find out, for our lives are so public, but the dating habits have not changed. So everyone is spot on here with the advice. You have to lift the blinders, and change your perspective on how it all actually works and adjust accordingly.

[smackie9]

I also have to add, it's the accessibility that has changed the playing field. Just a click of a button and you can look at hundreds/thousands of eager daters. IMO who wouldn't?

[ishe23]

Before the days of the internet everyone had this illusion that the person they met or had a date with isn't dating others of checking out other options, that they were truly invested...because you had no way of knowing. Today you can easily find out, for our lives are so public, but the dating habits have not changed. So everyone is spot on here with the advice. You have to lift the blinders, and change your perspective on how it all actually works and adjust accordingly.

 

You know, I haven't dated in over 10 years (before the internet), so this is all new to me, so yes, what you stated above is what I am used to. I thought once I meet someone and we seem to be both attracted to each other, then we go on a date. I never dated others when I found someone I was attracted to; it's hard enough finding someone being attracted to! Back then, it was like that, even on the guy's side (as far as I knew).

 

Now, it seems things have changed, and OLD is now like Amazon. Don't like something? Keep browsing for the next better (and sometimes cheaper) item.

Edited December 22, 2015 by ishe23

[ishe23]

I agree 100%. And you said you understood that he was online that monday night but then concluded he wasn't that into you and retaliated by canceling because of it. I think he's guy. He's probably smartly decided that you should save the long convos and bf like stuff (talks before bed) until AFTER you go on the first date. It was an appropriate white lie he did. Also if you started initiating texts with him; trying to talk to him before bed etc, you are investing yourself too much already. It puts you at a disadvantage, seems too clingy and you should just be mirroring his attention and letting him initiate. His "not that into you" could have been merely trying to get you to slow down and set a pace that was realistic. Anyway good luck on the next one.

 

I guess I will have to do this. Actually, the old me who used to date never would text or call a guy. Back then, I was the one who let him do just about everything. Perhaps I need to go back to that state of mind. It's just that I'm older now and didn't feel like playing games. If I like someone and feel like calling/texting him, I didn't want to go by any rules who should and shouldn't text; I just wanted to text him, so I did. Perhaps, guys still really like that "play hard to get" and that's who I was then and who I should still be today? Such a bummer that I still have to play mind games at this age.

[ishe23]

Just give him a call, apologise for blowing him off, and ask if he wants to meet up.

The worst he can say is "no thanks".

You have nothing to lose.

 

I did text him with an apology, some explanation and asked if we can try again. So far, no response. It did take me a week to text him and apologize though. However, when I sent the apology text, I felt that he wasn't going to respond not because he can't forgive me, but because he wasn't that into me to begin with. I felt as though he was actually glad I cancelled on him and he didn't have to cancel on me. Still, I wanted to know for sure, and by him not responding to my apology text confirms that he really wasn't that into me.

[mortensorchid]

Quite honestly I think two things happened. Your expectations were too high and this is OLD. As you seem to be new to it, OLD is about numbers not quality. It's also not unreasonable to have assumed you were the one and only, OLD is about talking to and meeting multiple people. He didn't sound like he was all that excited about you to begin with, and you were annoyed that he was on the other website by the description left. Move on.

[Versacehottie]

I did text him with an apology, some explanation and asked if we can try again. So far, no response. It did take me a week to text him and apologize though. However, when I sent the apology text, I felt that he wasn't going to respond not because he can't forgive me, but because he wasn't that into me to begin with. I felt as though he was actually glad I cancelled on him and he didn't have to cancel on me. Still, I wanted to know for sure, and by him not responding to my apology text confirms that he really wasn't that into me.

 

well I wouldn't think he would reply. Actually it's been a few things from your end that probably spell too much for him (or most guys). first when you ran into him and then sent something AFTERWARD--instead of going up to him. Unless the text afterward was totally breezy like "i swore I saw a guy that looked just like you at the grocery store today--it wasn't you by chance?" If it was apologetic, or too literal then it shows more confidence/less weirdness to have just gone up to him in person or both pretend you didn't see one another. So that was first. Second you initiated more than he did; a 3 hour phone conversation AND expectations that were not in line with the nature of online dating--or really any dating where you haven't done the first one yet and need to be several in. And then there was the cancel of the date. So that's probably enough that if he's just on the threshold of liking you to tip him into "it'd be a bad idea/not enough there/too desperate/too hot&cold.

 

Also keep in mind that a lot of guys don't get emotionally invested until later--so he probably hasn't decided IF he's into you OR NOT. He's decided you met the threshold of someone he would like to go out with. All the rest is conjecture until a real connection WITH HIM is made (not the connection you have bought into, which for a lot of women is based on fantasy and projecting into the future) and the FIRST DATE HAPPENS! Guys are more likely to work in "real time". Also consider the way you met: a real life meeting will probably have a bit more staying power at least through the first date than an online meeting. Realize that online people are cycling through. As a lot of people here say, some people find the whole thing so discouraging they also just drop out of it. The general level of investment in it is low. Until you've had an exclusive talk don't assume or hope that a guy is only dating you--that's an application for any place you meet someone. And you should absolutely date others until that point--if only to keep yourself from getting overinvested; get more dating experience; see the guys you are dating for what they ARE rather than an idealized future projected image--the comparison to others helps. Plus you will give off a different less desperate vibe.

[Redhead14]

I was chatting with a guy I met on OKC for about a week. He gave me his cell number and we started texting instead of chatting on the OKC platform. He actually disabled his OKC account after we started chatting because he said he had been debating about getting off of OKC due to privacy reasons. Our first chat via text went really well; we chatted for about 3 hours with both of us wanting to continue the conversation, especially on his end. We had seen each other in person once before IRL. He thought I was attractive and I thought he was attractive. I found myself liking him more after our long chat. I found that we had a lot of things in common and I actually thought he was like the male version of me. I thought, great, what a great way to end the year. I finally found someone who I’m attracted to on all levels and he seems to like me too.

 

Well, after our first long chat, I was initiating 3 out of 4 texts (within a week), and he didn’t seem as thrilled chatting with me after our first, but he told me he still wanted to meet me. He had mentioned meeting me for coffee at least 3x before, so I finally suggested a date and time. He was happy that I still wanted to go on a date with him and I was happy that he was happy because I thought he was losing interest already. This is a summary of the events:

 

Sunday – “met” him on OKC and exchanged a few chats.

 

Tuesday – he gave me his cell; I texted him later on and we chatted for about 3 hours

 

Thursday – I ran into him IRL unexpectedly. We didn’t say hi to each other, so I texted him 2 hours later and apologized to him for not saying hi. He replied back that it was ok and that was it. A few hours later before bedtime, I texted him again to ask him how his day went. We finally set up a date to meet in person, but no location confirmed yet.

 

Friday – He texts me “Happy Friday . 12/21- " ; 12/21 was supposed to be our first meeting. I replied back with a happy face and wished him a happy friday as well.

 

Monday – I text him an hour before he goes to bed a friendly hello. He texts back, but I can tell there was little enthusiasm, especially compared to the first time. After a few texts, he texts me that he has an early meeting the next morning and would be going to sleep. He doesn’t know this, but I have an account on another OLD site and I saw him on there. After he told me he was going to bed, he was actually on that dating site. I wasn’t bothered that he was chatting with other women because we weren’t dating, but I was hurt that he lied to me he was going to bed. He just didn’t want to chat with me anymore via text, and rather, he was on the other dating site.

 

A few minutes later, I texted him that I wasn’t able to meet him anymore and thanked him for chatting with me. The next early morning, he replied back “Well darn. That’s disappointing. Hmmm. Ok.” And that was it. I am bummed because I liked almost everything about him so far (very rare to find that) and I was really looking forward to our date (which was supposed to be today). So I’ve been having a crappy week all leading to the depressing holidays. I was just sensing that he wasn’t that into me and I didn’t want that in the next person that I was going to be with. I want someone who’s as into me as I’m into him and I didn’t want to settle for less. I did that before and it never turned out well.

 

It seems you were doing a lot of initiating and getting disappointing results. So, you texted him to say you didn't want to see him again and hoping that would make him jump. If I were you, I would have just sat back and let him do more of the initiating. Then it would have been clearer to you what his level of interest really was. Not only that, you spied, told yourself you didn't care that he was talking to other women when, in fact, is probably did bother you some and then you let that get the better of you.

 

Don't spy on OLD "dates" that you've only met or chatted with. Let them show you what their interest is in you. Sure, they will be chatting with other women and should be until they decide they want to pursue you.

[ishe23]

Some update. I texted him an apology along with my reasons for the cancellation on Monday, and to my surprise, he replied back yesterday saying he's glad it wasn't anything he did or said. A few minutes later, I replied back and asked him if he'd like to meet again. A few hours later, he said, "Sure, I'd still like to meet." A few hours later, I replied to him if he wants to set a date, time and location, hoping he'd take the initiative to set up a date and location this time. He finally gets back to me the next day said he can meet this Sunday (but no time or location mentioned ). This means we'll need to exchange a few more texts to agree on a time and location. I'd call him, but don't want to bug him since he doesn't seem to like calls. I think he's playing games with me, but now he takes hours to text me back instead of within minutes like he used to before I cancelled on him. He used to have a lot of smileys in his texts too. Now, his texts are very different - all seems rushed, less thrilled with no more smileys.

 

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I did bail out on him, and it's the holidays. I'm just glad he's agreed to meet me again. But I'm going to go with everyone's advice here - mirror what he does (so I only text him when he texts me and I take longer to reply back as well lol), and most importantly, no to zero expectations. I was just glad he replied back so that it won't be so awkward when I see him IRL. I'm even ok if we just end up being friends.

 

Ugh, now the real date. Let's hope it goes well. If not, at least I tried. Can't wait to get out of the "texting" and into a real conversation though. Talk about reading into things too much! Another person's thread on here worries me, though, how the texting personality is different from the real personality.

Edited December 23, 2015 by ishe23

[KatZee]

You need to stop looking into the deeper meaning regarding his smiley faces or lack here of.

 

Guys don't text like that. They're to the point, they don't particularly like sitting on text message for hours.

 

He said he wanted to meet again, so why are you AGAIN, sabotaging yourself? If he didn't want to meet you, he just would have ignored your apology text.

 

Stop thinking guys need to speak a certain way or behave a certain way on text message. Meet him in real life and gauge the interaction between you two.