Laser90 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Hi I'm new to the forum and struggling to get my head around my personal situation. Will try to summarise.. So 3 months ago I ended our 3 year relationship with my ex girlfriend. We had just come back from an amazing holiday, however there was a drunken incident which left me feeling stressed (this wasn't the first time) and I kind of felt fed up of dealing with these outbursts. I didn't tell anyone about it and bottled it up inside me until I finally said to her I've had enough, I need some space. We were about to buy a house together and at that time I didn't feel it was right to put pen to paper for a mortgage etc. So we officially broke up and I went no contact with her, I saw friends and kept myself busy for 2 weeks. I was tempted to write to her but I didn't keep tabs on her social media etc. 2 weeks past and I got my feelings in check, I decided to call her to work things out. Then she drops the bomb, she had gone out at the weekend, slept with a couple guys and then was sleeping with one of them all of the week. I was devastated. Those 3 years gone like that.. So we both sat on her bed crying into each others arms, I was visibly shaking at hearing what she had been upto. She said it was her way of getting over me. I said it was so disrespectful that she was telling me all these details, I'd rather she just say she was meeting up with someone and that was that. Not telling me about the sex etc. Anyway, I went away heartbroken and working out what I wanted. She said she still loved and cared about me. So we had on off contact all the while she was seeing this guy. She even called me to say "just to let you know that he's just asked me to be his girlfriend, rather you hear it from me first.." I was shocked and embarrassed. I left it at that and tried to move on, we were both blocked on social media etc. She kept trying to contact me when she was on nights out but I ignored it, she'd leave me voice messages saying how she dreamed of us having kids etc, really ******* with my mind. So 2 weeks ago, shock horror the rebound ended. He cheated on her. We bumped into each other in the gym and she spoke to me about things and that we should meet for a drink, I was in a much better place and thought why not. We got on really well and have a really good laugh. But this has brought all the feelings back to me, I really want her back. Even after all the **** that has happened, I can forgive and move on to try and work things out. I've worked on myself really hard since the break up, been in the gym 5-6 times a week, cooking a lot more on my own and being independent. She's acting quite hot and cold at the moment, we'll be laughing and reminiscing one moment then she'll be emotional and not speak to me the next. Maybe it needs time I don't know. How do I play this? It's too hard to just walk away as she does mean so much to me. I've thought about her every day since we broke up, had sleepless nights and to start with, wasn't eating. Do I go no contact again for a bit and see if she reaches out to me, if she doesn't then should I just get the hint?
mightycpa Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You two clearly aren't ready for the next step. You're at your wits end about this behavior you don't like, you decided to dump her rather than solve the problem, and now you're ready to ignore whatever this is that has repeatedly bugged you in the past. Now, you're afraid to tell her that you want her back, she's acting hot and cold instead of explaining her conflicted feelings to you and you won't even ask her why she's acting that way. Your communication in this relationship sucks. Bottom line, you dumped a girl who knows how to act when she gets dumped. She took you for a man of your word, not a guy who lashes out by sabotaging his relationship. She started pole dancing on two(!) new poles for the express purpose of detaching from you. That's quite the commitment to finishing things off, don't you think? Then she chose one that she likes, and if this guy had found your ex to be worthy, she'd still be slurping that stick today. Guess what? Her detachment strategy was effective. It has begun to do its terrible work, and you don't see this for what it is. You chose to end it, and now it is going to end slowly and horribly for you. Had you simply walked away, you wouldn't know any of this. There are consequences to dumping somebody. Can you get her back? Maybe. But if you play these games you seem far too willing to play, it won't last, because eventually, as adults, you have to be able to talk to each other about the most uncomfortable subjects, and work things out to everybody's satisfaction. You should really put yourself back in that mindset where you just had enough, and explore that a little more. Maybe you did the right thing then, and now you're just weak. 1
Chi townD Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Dude, just move on. Within 2 weeks, she slept with a couple of guys and has been sleeping with one of them throughout the week (nice that she could fit you into her schedule to have a chat!). Then, she continues to see this guy. Continues to rub him in your face. Telling you that this dude asked her to be his girlfriend and wanted you to hear it from her rather than from someone else. BUT! if she was telling you this, then she agreed to be his girlfriend! So, that should be telling for you. That she valued him more than you that she wanted to be connected and labeled to him rather than you. So, how do you play this? Walk away. She's not that into you. You would be a back up plan. She would continue to look. Dude, you are not a back up plan You are not a consolation prize. Just walk away dude.
Author Laser90 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Mightycpa, brutal but fair. Yeah I did handle the break up horribly and should have spoken to someone to help me. I had my head up my own ass, I can admit that. Then my world fell apart shortly after. A little about her, she was mentally unstable and when I met her she had deep depression and anxiety issues. I got her through all that and understand her better than anyone, but it got to a point where she would keep taking **** out on me, so I stupidly walked away rather than battling through it. She basically acted like a guy would after a break up and yeah maybe I have been the insecure girl. But I have my dignity. Things obviously need time if there was anything to happen but I also know I need to have self respect. She said she's too scared I'd do the same again.. I've learnt a ****ing harsh lesson and never want to feel this pain again.
mightycpa Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Mightycpa, brutal but fair. Yeah I did handle the break up horribly and should have spoken to someone to help me. I had my head up my own ass, I can admit that. Then my world fell apart shortly after. A little about her, she was mentally unstable and when I met her she had deep depression and anxiety issues. I got her through all that and understand her better than anyone, but it got to a point where she would keep taking **** out on me, so I stupidly walked away rather than battling through it. She basically acted like a guy would after a break up and yeah maybe I have been the insecure girl. But I have my dignity. Things obviously need time if there was anything to happen but I also know I need to have self respect. She said she's too scared I'd do the same again.. I've learnt a ****ing harsh lesson and never want to feel this pain again.I think what I'm suggesting is that perhaps you weren't so stupid after all. Think about it.
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