bobby_re Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Hi guys, below you find my "case". At the moment I am pretty sure that I want my ex back although I am in the process of moving on (but as I have read the only way to start a "new" relationship with an old lover is by getting over the old and "failed" one..). Here it goes: I have been together with my ex (girlfriend) for 18 months. At the end of those months, things got ****ty and we did not have sex for 3-4 months. Then, (she said) because of that, she ****ed another dude and broke up with me afterwards (over Skype). I went to her house, cried etc. and we had a talk where she told me everything what went wront in the past / what she had done etc. but I left with the same decision this evening. In the next morning, she rang my door bell and cried saying she made a mistake and she wants me to give us another chance. So, I did. In the 6 weeks that followed she got more and more passive and was treating me like **** (presumably because she thought I am „safe“ anyway), in these weeks she also said that she cannot sleep with me anymore and that it would feel „strange“ for her to be touched by me - I think she did that because she is extremely problematic with her own body and further, she has a weird opinion towards sex (doesn’t really miss it, thinks of it as not that important etc..) This went up to the point where I said that she has to make a decision, either she "invests" something and shows me she really wants to try or I would dump her. As a result, she then dumped me again 11 days ago. She said that now she thinks that she only came crying after the first break-up because she did not want to loose me completely, even as a friend (I always said to her "If we are not together, I will erase you and the last 1 1/2 years with you from my life, I cannot and do not want to simply be friends with you“). I should probably not give a **** about her anymore because of the way she treated me in the past but still, I am still have feelings for her and she sent out very diverse signals in the last 2 months. This is why I believe that she is not totally sure of her decision but rather insecure, overwhelmed with the situation and that she chose the „easy exit“. So I want her back (at least at the moment). I followed the „no contact“-strategy, even though this is extremely hard but I haven’t texted her in 15 days now. 8 days ago she texted a friend of mine she barely knew and wished him a happy birthday (which is weird enough already)- he didn’t reply. 6 days ago then, she called another friend of mine and asked him how I was, cried and said she is afraid I won’t talk to her ever again (I wrote a long mail at the day of the "2nd brake-up" in order to cope with the situation and in order to give her a document to look into, that summarizes the way she behaved in the last weeks - there I said that she treated me like **** and that she is not worth having me in her life). She than tried to convince him that she is not a bad person but that it was too much for her and that she had to break up because „staying together because of pitty is wrong“ and that for now, she is good with the situation as it is. My friend stayed strong and told her that as far as he knew, I am fine but if she wanted to know more, she would have to contact me directly. She did not do so until now. Today is her birthday and then of course christmas and NYE. Last year at that point, we celebrated all those occasions together and were very happy… So on the one side, I hope that she is going to miss me and that the NC strategy works but on the other side, I don’t know whether in my specific case this is appropriate and if she is not going to forget me easily (especially, if I am not contacting her and if all those „positive“ occasions are coming up). I should add that we always had a long-distance relationship (between 2-6hrs drive) as we live in different cities and that I am her first real long-term relationship as well. Also, she went through a lot with me - which at one point was too much and I guess there somehow her attraction for me got lost as I was weak and winy all the time. Still, she knows me better than anyone and the other way round and I believe that we shared a very nice and yet very intensive time together.. What do you think about the situation? Any way this NC-rule may work out well (if I even want her back in a month from now, thinking rationally again..)?
PegNosePete Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Then, (she said) because of that, she ****ed another dude and broke up with me afterwards (over Skype). In the 6 weeks that followed she got more and more passive and was treating me like **** she then dumped me again 11 days ago Dude WTF. Someone treats you like that, and you're sitting there wanting them back? Seriously? What makes you think it would go any differently ext time? First time shame on her, second time... third time... this would be 4th time right? I followed the „no contact“-strategy You didn't do it very well. How did you find out that she had communicated with your friends? When your friends told you, the first thing you should have said is "don't tell me. I don't want to know". What do you think about the situation? Any way this NC-rule may work out well (if I even want her back in a month from now, thinking rationally again..)? NC always works out well. Assuming you have the right goal in mind, that is. What is your goal here? To get back with someone who treats you incredibly badly?? That is not going to work out well, whatever you do!
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Your relationship was a hot mess & actually over before somebody formally pulled the trigger & ended it. Leave this alone. There is nothing worth going back to. Go forward. Heal. Take some time for yourself and then when you are ready pursue a new, healthy relationship.
Author bobby_re Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Dude WTF. Someone treats you like that, and you're sitting there wanting them back? Seriously? What makes you think it would go any differently ext time? First time shame on her, second time... third time... this would be 4th time right? NC always works out well. Assuming you have the right goal in mind, that is. What is your goal here? To get back with someone who treats you incredibly badly?? That is not going to work out well, whatever you do! Probably you are right but I still believe that people make mistakes and may change, especially if they are unexperienced and young, as she is. I know that I have already made a fool of myself and that I should probably not think about her anymore. This however is difficult as she still means the world to me and she used to be and still is the person that knows me best. ..and yep, I know that this makes what she did even worse. However, towards the end of the relationship I have made some mistakes too, so its not that black and white unfortunately...
PegNosePete Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 None of this was a "mistake". A mistake is when you trip over and land on something sharp. What she did was a deliberate choice. She chose actions which she knew damn well would hurt you.
Author bobby_re Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Your relationship was a hot mess & actually over before somebody formally pulled the trigger & ended it. Leave this alone. There is nothing worth going back to. Go forward. Heal. Take some time for yourself and then when you are ready pursue a new, healthy relationship. Thats why I thought that if one left behind the relationship as it was and got back to the own strength in order to built up a new relationship, it could work out again, even with the same person. After all, we had >14 wonderful months together and share many wonderful experiences.. So, nope I do not want to got back to this relationship exactly (which is the first mistake I have made by giving up so easy and "taking her in" after she cried 5 mins.) but I think maybe it is possible with this person to start something new and healthy again..?
Author bobby_re Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 None of this was a "mistake". A mistake is when you trip over and land on something sharp. What she did was a deliberate choice. She chose actions which she knew damn well would hurt you. You are right, yes.. and I still don't fully understand how she could do that. But again, I am not totally sure if something like this could be excused at some point. I mean, of course, if she approached me again and wanted to "try" again, she would have to work hard on her side for me even considering trying again but still, I am not quite there yet to hate her for what she did and to totally abandon her in my head and heart..
mightycpa Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 She's going to change all right. She's going to change the part where she cares whether you're in her life or not. All young people have unsuccessful love relationships, and all young people change. The trouble is, pretty much everything changes, including the person you really like. Eventually, you're going to have to learn how to be strong and let go. You might as well start today.
Author bobby_re Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 She's going to change all right. She's going to change the part where she cares whether you're in her life or not. All young people have unsuccessful love relationships, and all young people change. The trouble is, pretty much everything changes, including the person you really like. Eventually, you're going to have to learn how to be strong and let go. You might as well start today. ...or she might actually realize what she has done and try to get back as we have many wonderful memories together and we have definitely not changed to being two totally different people. Above that we are both in our mid-20's, so its not like our characters need to develop first as if we were 16.. Anyway, I still have hope... Don't know whether it is already too late
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I am sorry to burst your bubble & rain on your parade but it's already too late. Give up the hope you have. The longer you hold on to it, the worse you will feel. This is irreparably broken.
mightycpa Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 ...or she might actually realize what she has done and try to get back as we have many wonderful memories together and we have definitely not changed to being two totally different people. Above that we are both in our mid-20's, so its not like our characters need to develop first as if we were 16.. Anyway, I still have hope... Don't know whether it is already too lateYeah, I know what you're saying. But people who are growing very rarely go back to what they wanted when they were younger. You're like an old beloved toy. She may not get rid of you, but she doesn't want to play with you any more. You'll look great up there on her shelf, and if she's bored, she might even play with you a little bit until she gets bored again. And that's how life is. You don't have to believe me. You can ignore me and learn it for yourself. That's what most of us do.
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