Lady Nyx Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 This question is for any men who have ever engaged in an emotional affair. I want to better understand the hows and whys of men becoming involved in this type of infidelity. How did you EA begin? How long did it last and how serious did it become? If your wife found out about it, how did it affect your marriage? Did you divorce or reconcile? If you reconciled, how did you accomplish that? Did you engage in a re-write of marital history during the EA? Do you believe that you actually loved or were in-love with your wife when you committed the infidelity? Why did the EA happen - was it due to problems in your marriage or a problem within yourself? Do you feel guilt over it? If it is over, do you still believe that your feelings for OW were "real"? I really just want to understand this better from a man's perspective. Thanks!
carhill Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 How did you EA begin?Contacted an old MW.How long did it last and how serious did it become? Went on for a couple years. We had expressed love for each other in the past so that was part of the milieu and I guess if that's 'serious', then it was serious. If your wife found out about it, how did it affect your marriage? Introduced them Did you divorce or reconcile?Divorced If you reconciled, how did you accomplish that? Had it happened, it would have resulted from a continuation of MC and a lot of mutual work. Did you engage in a re-write of marital history during the EA? Everything I shared was independently verifiable since the ladies had independent contact. Do you believe that you actually loved or were in-love with your wife when you committed the infidelity? At the beginning, enough to go to MC. That died over time. Why did the EA happen - was it due to problems in your marriage or a problem within yourself? Wife abandoned me while caregiving and I didn't have the proper coping skills to deal with both the abandonment and stresses of caregiving itself. So I would say both areas were factors. Do you feel guilt over it? At the time, plenty. By the time we divorced, no. If it is over, do you still believe that your feelings for OW were "real"? Been over six years and, at the time, yeah, the feelings were real. We resolved our business and both moved on. They're both zero now. Not negative, not positive, rather done and over. I really just want to understand this better from a man's perspective. Thanks!Each man is different. We're not a hive mind. IME, most men do not have EA's without PA's or have EA's at all. If they do, they don't consider them affairs because nothing sexual happens. 'Innocent fun'. I had a fair amount of experience with MW's as a single man and they were pretty much the same. 1
nucking_futs Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Quote: Originally Posted by Lady Nyx How did you EA begin? Contacted by wifes friend Quote: How long did it last and how serious did it become? Went on for 4 months Quote: If your wife found out about it, how did it affect your marriage? Wife was more than pissed Quote: Did you divorce or reconcile? reconcile Quote: If you reconciled, how did you accomplish that? MC and a lot of mutual work. Quote: Did you engage in a re-write of marital history during the EA? No... but these two are still friends... go figure Quote: Do you believe that you actually loved or were in-love with your wife when you committed the infidelity? I loved wife and only wanted to have sex with OW , I'm a control freak Quote: Why did the EA happen - was it due to problems in your marriage or a problem within yourself? I would say both Quote: Do you feel guilt over it? Yes Quote: If it is over, do you still believe that your feelings for OW were "real"? Feeling were becoming more real and less lust.... I'm a cake eater Quote: I really just want to understand this better from a man's perspective. Thanks! I wanted to control both of them and have sex with both of them whether they knew about it, were ok with it, or were pissed about ..I really did not care at the time. I only wanted what I wanted.
oldshirt Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 IME, most men do not have EA's without PA's or have EA's at all. If they do, they don't consider them affairs because nothing sexual happens. I guess I would have to put myself in that category. I wouldn't self identify myself as having any kind of affair unless it had a sexual or physical component. In my mind if there's nothing physical and no sex talk or future plans of a sexual or physical nature, then it is just talking to somebody.
carhill Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Though instinctively I knew something was off, the nail got hit on the head when the MC asked my then wife 'how do you feel about that?' That was the point where the lesson about mutual agreement on appropriate and inappropriate behavior was processed. If/when the behavior is unacceptable to one's spouse, then it's unacceptable. One can certainly still engage in the behavior with full knowledge and understanding that it is unacceptable, sure. I did. However, unlike our case, the vast majority of similar interactions are not communicated to the spouse so there is no opportunity for active delineation of acceptable and unacceptable behavior boundaries to be established, with the exception being if the couple establishes such boundaries prior, like prior to becoming married. That disclosure is what separates infidelity from cheating, with cheating being infidelity by deception. If one's spouse doesn't mind one telling another that they love them, as example, and sharing such intimacies, then it's acceptable and no EA or other affair content occurs. Each couple, and their boundaries, is unique to that couple.
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