Mauve Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Hi, I'll try keep this short I've caught my boyfriend trying to go on my phone 3 times now (in the last 24 hours!), which honestly I do not mind!! Basically my ex messaged me on Facebook and my new BF saw it, I did not initiate contact with the ex but I can understand why my boyfriend is a bit worried, but I reassured him I didn't do anything and I even offered to let him look through my phone but he said he trusts and loves me. But now, I have caught him 3 times now, in the last day, trying to get onto my phone. Once when I was downstairs and running upstairs I heard the sound of an iPhone lock really quickly and I asked if he went on my phone (knowing mine was on loud and his wasn't), which he denied and said it was his phone, so I thought Hmm okay, cool my bad. Even though his phone was at the otherside of the bed, and mine was right next to him (also when he later went on his phone it was on silent, confirming even more that it was mine he was on). Then twice during the night, I fall asleep well before my BF, and I sleep with my phone on charge next to me. I woke up once, with him cuddling me trying to pull my phone from under my pillow and I asked what he was doing to which he said I was just fixing your charger. I went back asleep to then be woken up again with him doing the same (10 mins later). To be honest, I can understand this one as sometimes my charger makes my phone beep a lot as it's quite a ****ty charger, but I'm sure the beeping would of woke me up not him lightly moving on the bed. Anyway, he kept asking me this morning if I'm okay, if I'm weirdly moody with him, to which I went of course not and kissed him. In NO way as I acting moody, trust me I'm good at acting moody and I wasn't doing it, cause I honestly didn't mind that he checked my phone, I've done it before (not his but previous boyfriends). But he just kept acting guilty all morning and even texted me again which I was in work, in a way it was like he wanted me to confront him? So I did, which he denied loads and sent a big speech about how he would never do it and now that he knows I'm okay with it he would admit it if he did. So now I've dropped it. But I'm also now stuck in the dilemma that he was definitely trying to get on my phone, and I'm actually kind of worried now that he's trying to find something bad so he has a reason to break up with me? I can't stress enough that I don't mind that he tried to look through it, I even tried to act still asleep when I caught him doing it the third time but I'm a bad actress. The advice I'm needing is, what now? If he really is trying to look into my phone, won't he keep trying? And I've offered to give him it and freely look even if I'm out the room, but he's said no. So do I now just not catch him next time and live with the fact he's lied about going through my phone.. Or am I totally being paranoid and he's not even trying to look through it
Toodaloo Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Just give him your phone to look through. If you have nothing to hide there should be no problem. Every time he goes for it just pass it to him.
Bom Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) Hmm, weird. Maybe just let him go through it Edited December 21, 2015 by Bom
salparadise Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) I think you should unlock it, hand it to him and walk out of the room to let him go through it in privacy... and just tell him that you'd prefer that from now on he ask rather than trying to get a look without you knowing. Then activate the passcode or touch ID so he can't get into it and won't be tempted to try. I think everyone should keep their phones locked as a general security measure. If he continues to be sneaky, it may be indicative of other issues. People of integrity don't try to sneak peeks at their partner's phones unless they have serious concerns. Edited December 21, 2015 by salparadise 1
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I would hand him the phone & say something along the lines of You are welcome to look through my phone. I have nothing to hide just ask but if you continue to try to get into my phone behind my back we're going to have problems because I can't date somebody who doesn't trust me & I really can't date somebody who is sneaky & thinks it's OK to invade my privacy. 2
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I don't understand how it would help him to hand him your phone. If you were doing anything behind his back wouldn't you delete all conversations anyway? So what could he find on there? I would not unlock my phone and would not show it to him. Trust is trust period. Your word that nothing is going on between you and your ex should be enough. You have no control over people texting you out of the blue. 3
Author Mauve Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 I don't understand how it would help him to hand him your phone. If you were doing anything behind his back wouldn't you delete all conversations anyway? So what could he find on there? I would not unlock my phone and would not show it to him. Trust is trust period. Your word that nothing is going on between you and your ex should be enough. You have no control over people texting you out of the blue. Yeah, that's my method of thinking. If he were to see my phone or if I was to give it to him, I don't think it would help him it would just make him think I cleaned all the evidence before giving it to him.
preraph Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I would also suggest that you tell him he has an insecurity problem he needs to work on with a therapist. It is excessive and that is a red flag. I get going to a phone once you think you have reason to be suspicious, like your gf has disappeared overnight or something like that, but this is too much. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being tracked like this? Hell no. Once you have kids and you're busting your butt taking care of them all day with no help and he's interrupting you all day from work to check up on you and then going through your phone when he should know all you have time to do is change diapers, how are you going to "not mind it" then? Big red flag. He thinks he owns you.
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Gaeta I agree with you but those principles tend to make paranoid insecure people like OPs BF even nuttier. I dated this guy in my 20s. He was the bookkeeper for the restaurant where I was a waitress. That industry practically runs on flirting & hooking up. I had a a huge flirty thing going on with one of the chefs. Before I even started dating the bookkeeper the chef & I would joke. It never went farther than work & outside of batting my eyes so my food came out quicker I wanted very little to do with the chef. We had vastly different values, whereas the bookkeeper was my kind of genuinely good guy that you could take home to mom. Anyway, the bookkeeper constantly accused me of cheating on him with all sorts of people, including the chef. Nothing I did or said or that they did or said could reassure him that I wasn't cheating & the flirting was harmless. Chef & I even went to great pains to tone it down out of respect for the bookkeeper to no avail. After about a year I finally dumped the bookkeeper because I was fed up with his unfounded accusations. OP, seriously if your BF doesn't get with the program & start trusting you, get a new BF 1
PegNosePete Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I agree with you but those principles tend to make paranoid insecure people like OPs BF even nuttier. OP, seriously if your BF doesn't get with the program & start trusting you, get a new BF Well, precisely. He either gets with the program and starts to trust, or he is history. Handing over your phone is not required for either one of those options. 2
Wewon Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Tell him that he can look at your phone, but he has to let you look through the browser history of his computer as well as check his emails. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 The advice I'm needing is, what now? D.T.M.F.A. !!!! (geez, anybody can read the writing on this wall)
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 As much as these other posters are right about privacy rights, I, for one, would not tolerate ex-boyfriends texts at night. You can't control what and who contacts you, But you can control your reaction, which builds trust too. Flirting because it gets you ahead in the workplace? That's just as disrespectful, isn't it(?), because you're still flirting in his face? Swap the roles, and have the excuse be the flirting is just means to an end, It would be considered disrespectful, and he should change the behavior that offends.
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