StBreton Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 In other words I need to force myself to be something else because being a loyal, honest, generous, good guy isn't enough. Isn't good enough for what? To get the "attractive" girl of which you seek? You want a tall athletic brunette ...but you're not tall and not athletic. Since you're wanting single women to overlook your physical being and see how kind, loyal, etc. you are, why don't you overlook women who are overweight or have children...because underneath they have excellent qualities (kind, generous, loving, loyal)? Months and months pass with you're being on this forum lamenting your lack of a romantic relationship...yet you don't make any real changes to your attitude. That is what's holding you back. What is wrong with dating someone who is a bit overweight and has a few children...if those are the only women who find YOU attractive? At least you're out there dating...having the companionship you say you so want. Open your heart to other possibilities ZA...I'd love to date a Rob Lowe like alike as I did in my 20s...ya that's not happening now and I'm a good looking middle aged woman. I don't feel like I'm settling with the guys I date now...I find a great smile and attentive eyes are enough for me now...with good character. 2
carhill Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Yep, social integration is a factor in growing a sizable dating pool. One can go their own way, sure, both in dating and life in general, but expect that such a choice doesn't exist in a vacuum. All relationships are voluntary so people do what they want to do. Some folks more naturally fit in than others; when one has to work at it, yep it may seem unnatural and not being true to self. Accepting the choice helps. If one fights the choice or feels negative about it, that leaks out in their aura that is so important with first impressions. 2
losangelena Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 If I read here perhaps my issue really is a rather simple one, I don't actually vocalize enough of what I am thinking, I have got into a pattern of "I am going to get rejected, I am not going to put too much out there because if I do and I get rejected its going to hurt badly, so rather I wont project too much". Granted that's not very attractive way to go about things now that I sit here and think about it, maybe something to work on. Would a person who vocalises feelings more be deemed more attractive, for example I have always battled with complimenting people, strange but true. Ultimately maybe attraction is more of looks getting you to the door and what you vocalise getting you through the door. Not sure anyone really agrees with that? Again I have read here one should be assertive, something I don't have a problem with when it comes to other areas of life. How far does one go with that? For me its always about manners and perhaps opening doors, pulling out chairs is too old school to be deemed an attractive quality. At some point one needs to make a move of sorts and maybe I have been wrong all along, maybe one does need to simply go after one what wants as opposed to thinking around different scenarios. The irony is high pressure work things scare me considerably less than saying the following. "Hi, would you like to grab a lunch sometime and can I get your number?" What is pretty obvious is, based on past experience I am not good at that sort of thing, what's also obvious is one must ask verbally as opposed to text or e mail. Clearly I spent too much time reading about this, I just really want to be seen as attractive and make something work for the change! Happy Holidays everyone. What happened to these insights?
Imported Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 What is it exactly that you think you "have to walk around being something I am not" is? What do you think that you are going to "fake" to get women you want?
Author ZA Dater Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Isn't good enough for what? To get the "attractive" girl of which you seek? You want a tall athletic brunette ...but you're not tall and not athletic. Since you're wanting single women to overlook your physical being and see how kind, loyal, etc. you are, why don't you overlook women who are overweight or have children...because underneath they have excellent qualities (kind, generous, loving, loyal)? Months and months pass with you're being on this forum lamenting your lack of a romantic relationship...yet you don't make any real changes to your attitude. That is what's holding you back. What is wrong with dating someone who is a bit overweight and has a few children...if those are the only women who find YOU attractive? At least you're out there dating...having the companionship you say you so want. Open your heart to other possibilities ZA...I'd love to date a Rob Lowe like alike as I did in my 20s...ya that's not happening now and I'm a good looking middle aged woman. I don't feel like I'm settling with the guys I date now...I find a great smile and attentive eyes are enough for me now...with good character. I agree to disagree. If I have to resort to dating what I don't want then yes I am quite happy to stay on my own. For what its worth I am 5.9 and athletic. I maintain I have lots to give but just never get the opportunity to give any of it and those who want what I have don't have what I want. I am not interested in dating someone with kids for obvious reasons of complication, I missed out on my 20s studying so I don't really want someone tied down with kids and yes I did meet up with someone who has a kid. For what its worth the K I keep referring to isn't athletic at all she falls into the curvy category, I gave up chasing models a long time ago. All I want is a chance, that's all I want.
Author ZA Dater Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 What is it exactly that you think you "have to walk around being something I am not" is? What do you think that you are going to "fake" to get women you want? Well quite obviously one needs to walk around like a sunflower each day where one simply ignores reality and well each and everything is positive. Note I am being sarcastic. How many people are themselves when then are trying to impress someone? My guess is very few.
Author ZA Dater Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 What happened to these insights? Irritation, loneliness and cynicism arrived on the scene. I want to do something but am too scared to do anything because if I mess this up its totally gone for good.
Author ZA Dater Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Yep, social integration is a factor in growing a sizable dating pool. One can go their own way, sure, both in dating and life in general, but expect that such a choice doesn't exist in a vacuum. All relationships are voluntary so people do what they want to do. Some folks more naturally fit in than others; when one has to work at it, yep it may seem unnatural and not being true to self. Accepting the choice helps. If one fights the choice or feels negative about it, that leaks out in their aura that is so important with first impressions. Finally someone who agrees with me to a point. The last point is particularly true, consider I have strived to be my own person my entire life, do things my way. Just yesterday I paid for a persons tuition for a course she wants to do, why, simply because I wanted her to have an opportunity, not because I wanted any recognition but because she needed a break and I was in the position to be able to help. People think of themselves, I try walk through life thinking of those around me. It just hurts so much when nobody actually thinks of me. Your point remains though, integration is important, probably one of the attractive things I find in people are those who don't overly integrate themselves, those who stand proud of who they are and don't always follow the crowd.
losangelena Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Irritation, loneliness and cynicism arrived on the scene. I want to do something but am too scared to do anything because if I mess this up its totally gone for good. Oh. I doubt that. If I may, I feel like it's just that kind of stark, black-and-white thinking that's helped you get into your current mindset. I too would feel extreme trepidation to do, well, anything if I was sure that if I messed up, I'd never get another chance. Has that dynamic ever played itself out in any other area of your life? But I don't think that what you're trying to do can come all at once. You're on a continuum, and learning to put oneself out there is a process; it truly is two steps forward and one back. Let me give you a personal example from outside the dating milieu. I have been working on learning how to become more assertive and more communicative and expressive of my anger. I've been making strides (with the help of a therapist), but someone I have a very hard being this way with is my mom. I'm at her place currently for the holidays, and before I came I thought I might try and broach some of these issues with her, but now that I'm here I've completely chickened out. Part of me goes, "what a failure you are," but another part of me says that I have made improvements in this area, and even if I can't go there with my mom yet, that does not mean that I won't get there. That's like expecting a runner to do a full marathon when they can barely jog for three minutes. It's an unrealistic expectation. Can I ask why you have this "all or nothing" view?
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Well quite obviously one needs to walk around like a sunflower each day where one simply ignores reality and well each and everything is positive. Note I am being sarcastic. How many people are themselves when then are trying to impress someone? My guess is very few. Maybe they are "putting their best foot forward"??? :confused: That's not "fake" and actually if we ALL put our best feet forward every day, we would make positive differences in our own lives and probably those of others along the way. When I was young I was terribly shy to the point of being a social outcast in middle school. I was miserable. Somehow I had an awakening of some kind and saw what people who had social lives and friends were doing and I started to try to do those things. It was a real stretch believe me, but it was such a good thing I did. I wasn't being fake or untrue to myself I was going outside of my comfort zone to IMPROVE my own life. You should try it, really.
Author ZA Dater Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Oh. I doubt that. If I may, I feel like it's just that kind of stark, black-and-white thinking that's helped you get into your current mindset. I too would feel extreme trepidation to do, well, anything if I was sure that if I messed up, I'd never get another chance. Has that dynamic ever played itself out in any other area of your life? But I don't think that what you're trying to do can come all at once. You're on a continuum, and learning to put oneself out there is a process; it truly is two steps forward and one back. Let me give you a personal example from outside the dating milieu. I have been working on learning how to become more assertive and more communicative and expressive of my anger. I've been making strides (with the help of a therapist), but someone I have a very hard being this way with is my mom. I'm at her place currently for the holidays, and before I came I thought I might try and broach some of these issues with her, but now that I'm here I've completely chickened out. Part of me goes, "what a failure you are," but another part of me says that I have made improvements in this area, and even if I can't go there with my mom yet, that does not mean that I won't get there. That's like expecting a runner to do a full marathon when they can barely jog for three minutes. It's an unrealistic expectation. Can I ask why you have this "all or nothing" view? I can definitely relate to your example with your mom and in fact it really sums up where I am in many respects. I just find it frustrating that I can really measure the improvements I have made, despite what some may think I am trying to be more positive, my friend has remarked I am much lighter and a bit less serious. My humour of the dry variety so people either get it or they don't. Its not like I am not trying. In all honesty I feel like I am pretty much at last chance stage with this particular person, granted the space I was in when I last asked her out is very different to the one I find myself in now, at least from the physical appearance point of view and I do have a bit more confidence now. I still fear if I mess this up I wont get another chance with her. Why is this important because of all the people I have met she really captured me, there was just something there and I feel it every time I sporadically see her. You post makes such sense to me, I agree one cant run before one can walk but unfortunately I don't think saying this would get me a date with her "Hey, you know I really like you but I am really not sure how to ask you out". I just feel a huge amount of pressure because this is something I really want and I don't ever back away from things I really want but I also not used to being lead by my heart rather than my head. Probably the issue here is I want to do something but I don't know what to do.
tuxedo cat Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) For me it's (in a man) Personality: -Really smart. I don't mean that they necessarily test well in school, but that they have interesting ideas and observations. Articulate and curious about the world. -Funny -Stable job -Good BS detector -Caring and open-minded. Not misogynistic. -Balanced in terms of how he relates to others. Neither soft and spineless nor super dominant. This balance is surprisingly hard to find. -Talented at something creative. Looks: It's all about the face for me... -Intelligent and attractive (preferably brown) eyes. I have a thing for white guys with Asian eyes. -Well defined, boyish features -Full lips are a nice bonus -body-wise I'm only turned off by extremes -Between 5'6" and 6'3" is acceptable...ideal range is 5'8" to 6'3". -wide, square shoulders. -Neither obese nor super skinny. Womanly bodies (man boobs, narrow sloping shoulders and wide hips, thick thighs) are also a turn off. Celebs I find most attractive as examples: Adam Driver - Genuine and intelligent guy. Nice eyes, coloring, body, lips and voice. Charlie Day - Winning personality. Domhnall Gleeson - I can't explain this one. I think it's his mischievous charm. Also have a thing for Irish guys. Tom Hardy - Not exactly an original choice but... Physically close to perfection, talented and charming...and seems sweet and cuddly. To a lesser extent... Cary F*u*k*unaga - Insanely hot, smart and talented. His looks are ideal. Unfortunately he seems very full of himself. Edited December 28, 2015 by tuxedo cat
todreaminblue Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 Clearly I live on Mars because many of the so called attractive qualities mentioned in this thread I actually have and no matter how I sell them its never good enough. Oh well such is life. you know za if you have those traits you dont need to sell them at all...they are obvious and attractive....what is more important are that those traits are natural to you......that they arent forced or surface traits merely to attract someone or to play as a part in some orchestrated game.... but part of who you are on a deeper level.....what really matters to you becomes part of you.......if you have those attributes its only a matter of time before you meet someone who is looking for those traits and positives...patience until then is also attractive ...complaining is not attractive....one thing i know though....when it comes to keeping a relationship alive...its not the good things that split people up or turn a person away from attraction....but the negatives or flaws that need to compromised on......and we all have them ..we all need to work on our negatives to turn into positives.....deb 1
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