What makes a person attractive?

[Imported]

Women are attracted on sight alone. How far that gets you is a different story, but generally when she is already attracted on a purely [sexual] level, it's pretty easy.

 

What if one of those women you have no interest in tells you what attracts her? Just saying, take what women say with a grain of salt. A ridiculously attractive girl with a gorgeous face and tight body might just behave (did not say ....say) differently to what attracts her than some overweight, chubby chick with a not so pretty face.

 

It's like hearing how money is not important, they just want to travel around the world and have fun. Granted, you can do that to a certain extent without too much money, but actually having money makes it a whole lot easier and...more.

 

Just try to have fun and be fun to be around.

Edited December 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

Alright so I am basically out of this game called dating but as a parting question, what exactly makes someone attractive or not, which are the qualities that ladies prize above all else. Yes, some will tell me you cant generalise but one can hazard a guess.

 

I write down the things I am good at and the good qualities I have but at the end of the day, friends can tell me I am good guy but in the eyes of females I seem to lack something hence my total and utter lack of dates.

 

So what's deemed to be attractive, my thoughts would be the following and I apologize in advance for the cynicism.

 

: Money

: Hot body

: Trendy Friends

: Fancy car

: Good job

: Nice clothes

 

I have not seen any evidence that debunks the theory that all the above feature highly on the average lady's want list.

 

What makes a person attractive? Trust me, it won't be about any of the above specifically. And, if you are waiting for all these things to "line" up, you will be waiting forever. Stop thinking about the superficial . . .

[deckard11]

So when you look around on the street, do you only see beautiful people dating? Because this is certainly not what I see.

 

Yeah, pretty much.

[ZA Dater]

OP, you don't know very much about women. Maybe if you pay attention and listen to women you could learn. This is a good place to do that - even though you have said several times on this very thread that you will NOT under any circumstances listen to what any of us women on here say. So what is it you're looking for???:confused:

 

It amazes me that some in one post say

: looks don't matter

Then in the next post wax lyrical about physical appearance.

 

Sure, I listen, I get up from my chair and the real world is nothing what is being projected here. The real world is a fundamentally superficial one, its telling that the females I do know and trust, who are successful with guys (married) all focussed on the superficial parts of me when pointing out things to improve....

 

Looks and money DO matter in that real world and the "caring, good hearted, kind" matters a whole lot less because society is largely dismissive of those qualities.

 

For those who say the latter qualities matter so much I assume you give guys around 2 dates to lets those qualities show because none of those qualities are going to become apparent in 5 minutes...

 

Of course there is also the double standard which says

 

"Guys must give ladies as much opportunity as possible to shine but ladies can reject guys within 5 minutes of meeting them".

 

My view is appearance is the be all and end all of dating, the very foundation on which everything else falls, if it wasn't we as people would not put in any sort of effort to look good, like it or not we are judged on how we look to a certain extent. Its a romantic notion, one that I bought into for years that having a good heart, being kind, being generous can help one find a gf but the reality is these qualities count for virtually nothing because one never gets an opportunity to demonstrate them.

 

Furthermore if looks were not so important then why is it ladies trot out this tired phrase so often 'There is no chemistry", why not just say "You aren't physically attractive".

 

Its just sad to me that the world has become as superficial as it has, yes everyone needs to be turned on by a partner but that's not all down to looks alone.

 

Ladies complain about being used for sex but why is this so, its simple really, this dating game turns good guys bad. You can start off with the best of intentions, start of being a total gentleman but get rejected over and over and over again and eventually why bother chasing anything else but a hook up. I wouldn't do that, mainly because I wouldn't know how and morally I couldn't use someone like that.

 

Ultimately some part of attraction is confidence and that's extremely hard to find when no experience is a good one and what you want you cant get.

[jay1983]

So when you look around on the street, do you only see beautiful people dating? Because this is certainly not what I see.

 

Look only at ladies who are single, that's where you'll see a lot of what is being said.

[Rejected Rosebud]

It amazes me that some in one post say

: looks don't matter

Then in the next post wax lyrical about physical appearance.

I must have missed that, I don't think it happened in this thread.

 

The real world is a fundamentally superficial one, its telling that the females I do know and trust, who are successful with guys (married) all focussed on the superficial parts of me when pointing out things to improve....

so what is wrong with that? When you are meeting new people all you have is whatever first impression you can make, they are not going to learn about the deeper parts of you until you get to know each other for a while.

 

Looks and money DO matter in that real world and the "caring, good hearted, kind" matters a whole lot less because society is largely dismissive of those qualities.

 

For those who say the latter qualities matter so much I assume you give guys around 2 dates to lets those qualities show because none of those qualities are going to become apparent in 5 minutes...

right, like I said, if you have poor social skills and a generally dislikeable personality, plus look bad, your good heart and caring is not going to be discovered by anyone. This goes for everybody. Ugly fat self pitying stubborn girls who have good hearts don't have good luck attracting people either, it's not gender based,

 

 

Of course there is also the double standard which says

 

"Guys must give ladies as much opportunity as possible to shine but ladies can reject guys within 5 minutes of meeting them".

You just made up that double standard. In real life, people who have trouble connecting with others for any number of reasons would like to have a chance that's longer than 5 minutes.

 

My view is appearance is the be all and end all of dating, the very foundation on which everything else falls, if it wasn't we as people would not put in any sort of effort to look good, like it or not we are judged on how we look to a certain extent. Its a romantic notion, one that I bought into for years that having a good heart, being kind, being generous can help one find a gf but the reality is these qualities count for virtually nothing because one never gets an opportunity to demonstrate them.

 

You are exhausting and your attitude is 100% guaranteed to stand in the way of you getting a girlfriend, you need to work on that, look around at all the guys who don't look great, and the GIRLS who don't look great who are walking around Christmas shopping and holding hands ... and wonder to yourself, "what do they have that I don't have"? And if you can be honest for one moment you might have a good starting place. Otherwise, carry on like you are right now, you sure seem determined to do that!!

 

 

Ladies complain about being used for sex but why is this so, its simple really, this dating game turns good guys bad.

The dating game also leads to many happy couples! And guys who use girls - that is because they have poor character. If a good guy can get turned bad by dating, he was super weak to start out with.

[AspenBaldwin]

Wicked eyebrows like the ones Spock had.

[ZA Dater]

I must have missed that, I don't think it happened in this thread.

 

so what is wrong with that? When you are meeting new people all you have is whatever first impression you can make, they are not going to learn about the deeper parts of you until you get to know each other for a while.

 

right, like I said, if you have poor social skills and a generally dislikeable personality, plus look bad, your good heart and caring is not going to be discovered by anyone. This goes for everybody. Ugly fat self pitying stubborn girls who have good hearts don't have good luck attracting people either, it's not gender based,

 

 

You just made up that double standard. In real life, people who have trouble connecting with others for any number of reasons would like to have a chance that's longer than 5 minutes.

 

 

 

You are exhausting and your attitude is 100% guaranteed to stand in the way of you getting a girlfriend, you need to work on that, look around at all the guys who don't look great, and the GIRLS who don't look great who are walking around Christmas shopping and holding hands ... and wonder to yourself, "what do they have that I don't have"? And if you can be honest for one moment you might have a good starting place. Otherwise, carry on like you are right now, you sure seem determined to do that!!

 

 

The dating game also leads to many happy couples! And guys who use girls - that is because they have poor character. If a good guy can get turned bad by dating, he was super weak to start out with.

 

 

Interesting that, are you admitting like goes with like? Based on the bold it appears to me that is exactly what you are suggesting.

 

What they have that I don't have, no idea to be honest. Barring perhaps the ability to fit in. I'd be quite happy with my equivalent or slightly curvy but I wont accept obese.

 

So tell me, what do those people have that I don't.

 

Oh, sorry I forgot my personality must be bad. Oh well I am who I am.

 

Its all good though I can sit and write book and live in any world I choose to create.

[Revolver]

Other women finding you attractive. Most women are bandwagon followers. You see it all the time, guy gets a GF and the floodgates open. All of a sudden women are more agressive, they're nicer to him, when he was single he was mostly Invisible.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Revolver

[Imported]

[Relevant to quote regarding sexual attraction]

 

You might think of it as "clicking" or "chemistry" or something like that. You see someone that attracts you and then a lot of assumptions are made, a lot of leeway is given. Whatever they say is "interesting", because...you're interested and you're hoping that they like you. That person would really have to screw up....bad, for you to lose interest. At least for the first week or so

Edited December 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rejected Rosebud]

Interesting that, are you admitting like goes with like? Based on the bold it appears to me that is exactly what you are suggesting.

OH MY GOD. I am "admitting" that people who don't look good are having relationships.

 

What they have that I don't have, no idea to be honest. Barring perhaps the ability to fit in. I'd be quite happy with my equivalent or slightly curvy but I wont accept obese.

Fine! Then you should be 100% accepting that whatever YOU have is not acceptable to other people. Why is that a problem for you?

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can only speak for myself, but ... if nobody liked me, I would look at myself, not at all the people who weren't into me and why they're wrong, and why society is screwing me over.

 

OP - just the fact that you do that without even questioning is massively unattractive.

[Rejected Rosebud]

You might think of it as "clicking" or "chemistry" or something like that. You see someone that attracts you and then a lot of assumptions are made, a lot of leeway is given. Whatever they say is "interesting", because...you're interested and you're hoping that they like you. That person would really have to screw up....bad, for you to lose interest. At least for the first week or so

Yeh, maybe if you have "the hots" and nothing else it can hold for a week or so, unless you're in denial.

 

Srsly though my attraction for the guy I love wasn't on a "purely [sexual] level" though that is included.

[William]

Since this is a thread about what makes a person, a man from a quick read of the opening post, attractive and a list was posted in the opening post, and it's posted in our dating forum, not sex forum, let's move back to the content from the opening post. Thanks!

[Space Ritual]

Alright so I am basically out of this game called dating but as a parting question, what exactly makes someone attractive or not, which are the qualities that ladies prize above all else. Yes, some will tell me you cant generalise but one can hazard a guess.

 

I write down the things I am good at and the good qualities I have but at the end of the day, friends can tell me I am good guy but in the eyes of females I seem to lack something hence my total and utter lack of dates.

 

So what's deemed to be attractive, my thoughts would be the following and I apologize in advance for the cynicism.

 

: Money

: Hot body

: Trendy Friends

: Fancy car

: Good job

: Nice clothes

 

I have not seen any evidence that debunks the theory that all the above feature highly on the average lady's want list.

 

OP, I am an Ogre but I would have to agree with you, I think you pretty much have it covered. There would be some variations of course depending on a certain person, but I think you are spot on.

 

Of course since i possess only 2 of those things you just mentioned , money and a fantastic job and I am about the least materialistic person you'd ever meet, I pretty much resign myself to dating strippers for short amounts of time, because I always know there is an end to it. I live frugally and party royally...lol

[Rejected Rosebud]

OK - here is what makes a man attractive to ME:

 

He "gets" me on a personal level and shows that to me quickly.

 

We have a similar sense of humor.

 

He is really smart in ways that are fascinating to me - different than the ways I am smart myself .

 

I feel something when we have eye contact.

 

He looks for deeper meaning in things - does not live life superficially.

 

I like listening to his voice a LOT.

 

He cares about the people he loves, like his mom.

 

He has courage and self confidence enough to try for what he wants in life.

 

He has overcome adversity with some grace and learned from it.

 

He has a spiritual life.

 

We can talk at length about books, movies and philosophical things - not necessarily agreeing about them all..

 

Does not spend his time on self pity and blaming anybody for anything, even if they earned it.

 

He has PASSION for things in his life and acts on it.

 

As far as looks go:

 

I have a soft spot for well developed lower arms and hands, laugh lines, and twinkle in the eyes.

 

I do NOT care about money at all (believe me or don't) but a STRONG work ethic is really important and attractive to me.

[AspenBaldwin]

Oh and sporting a mullet is sth i consider very attractive on a male.

[ZA Dater]

I can only speak for myself, but ... if nobody liked me, I would look at myself, not at all the people who weren't into me and why they're wrong, and why society is screwing me over.

 

OP - just the fact that you do that without even questioning is massively unattractive.

 

I, like everyone else am entitled to pass judgement based on my own observations and the fact I am not the only one who believes this, as evidenced in this thread does suggest my viewpoint is shared by others too.

 

 

Why I am unattractive, who knows because nobody thus far has had any back bone to tell me why I am unattractive, instead it easy to give lame excuses like "there is chemistry", yet these same people 3 years later still haven't found anyone, so really who is the unattractive one here?

 

 

Romantically I agree that the intangible things are important but how important are they really in terms of attraction, probably much less so than the tangible ones, seeing as one cant see honesty but one can see nice arms, face etc.

 

 

Of course one does wonder why one is unattractive but eventually it doesn't become a case of being unattractive as it is being unattractive to society, nobody on this forum seems to agree but even small things like not drinking render one socially unattractive.

[loveweary11]

 

Why I am unattractive, who knows because nobody thus far has had any back bone to tell me why I am unattractive, instead it easy to give lame excuses like "there is chemistry", yet these same people 3 years later still haven't found anyone, so really who is the unattractive one here?

 

.

 

Ask your close female friends and listen carefully.

 

Mine told me physically, I needed to work out my arms more. I did, it worked.

 

You have to have some honest people in your life...

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

Why I am unattractive, who knows because nobody thus far has had any back bone to tell me why I am unattractive, instead it easy to give lame excuses like "there is chemistry", yet these same people 3 years later still haven't found anyone, so really who is the unattractive one here?

Are you talking about people here on LS or in your real life?? I don't know what you look like but the personality that you show us here on LS is very unattractive. Sorry. :( You asked though. And maybe the single people you are talking about are NOT blaming the world for the fact that they're single which puts them in a whole nother category than you.

 

 

Romantically I agree that the intangible things are important but how important are they really in terms of attraction, probably much less so than the tangible ones, seeing as one cant see honesty but one can see nice arms, face etc.

Of course the visual and personality traits are MOST important when you first meet someone. We are talking about ATTRACTION here. One can know a dozen great human beings, what sets the one they choose for a romantic, sexual relationship is based on something in addition to their good heartedness, etc. ATTRACTION.

 

You know how you are not attracted to fat ladies? Can you not extrapolate that for others, there are different qualities that stop attraction from happening?

 

nobody on this forum seems to agree but even small things like not drinking render one socially unattractive.

Of course there are things that "society" deems attractive, and not attractive, that is why we have supermodels and movie stars to get all hot and bothered over - and why nobody questions when a guy says a fat girl is "not acceptable."

 

I don't drink at all. It is not a problem for me.

[ZA Dater]

Ask your close female friends and listen carefully.

 

Mine told me physically, I needed to work out my arms more. I did, it worked.

 

You have to have some honest people in your life...

 

You are lucky, what makes me unattractive are unfortunately things I cannot change.

[ZA Dater]

I don't know what you look like but the personality that you show us here on LS is very unattractive. Sorry. :( You asked though. And maybe the single people you are talking about are NOT blaming the world for the fact that they're single which puts them in a whole nother category than you.

 

 

there are different qualities that stop attraction from happening?

 

 

Now the discussion is going somewhere, my point is there are also universally attractive qualities, that's been my question, what are the more important universally attractive things, the physical things versus the intangible subjective things. Its all largely subjective but what makes you look at one person and not look at another.

 

 

As for my personality being unattractive, noted and taken on the chin. Body can be slimmed down etc. but personality cannot be changed. Guess I drew the short straw when those were being dished out or perhaps I am rendered bitter after years of dating failure.

 

 

Be what it may, there isn't a day when I don't feel lonely, a day where I don't feel frustrated the very few people I like don't like me.

 

 

It is what it is and few people truly understand that.

[normal person]

Of course there is also the double standard which says

 

"Guys must give ladies as much opportunity as possible to shine but ladies can reject guys within 5 minutes of meeting them".

 

Considering this a "double standard" is bogus. The amount of a chance you give someone is determined by a variety of factors. Both women and men reject some other people within 5 minutes of meeting them because they can. Not as some societal rule. They assume they can do better, they aren't feeling it, their time is more valuable, etc. It's not a "rule," it's the person's market value doing the talking.

 

My view is appearance is the be all and end all of dating, the very foundation on which everything else falls, if it wasn't we as people would not put in any sort of effort to look good, like it or not we are judged on how we look to a certain extent. Its a romantic notion, one that I bought into for years that having a good heart, being kind, being generous can help one find a gf but the reality is these qualities count for virtually nothing because one never gets an opportunity to demonstrate them.

 

You need to stop expecting women to give you the benefit of the doubt because you're nice and kind. Those are good qualities, but they're largely irrelevant if you're perceived as incapable of fulfilling the instinctual needs of woman.

 

Humans are animals. Our goal (subconsciously or otherwise) in life is to reproduce and ensure that our offspring live to reproduce themselves. That's why people are attracted to certain qualities like physical fitness and the providing of resources. Looking good/capable/strong and being able to provide trump everything else. This is why most women prefer things like aggression, muscles, and success to passivity and kindness. The aggressive male is likely going to be the one who gets the food/money and can provide for his kids. The passive/nice is is the one likely to have it taken from him.

 

It's kill or be killed. It's survival of the fittest, not survival of the nicest.

[normal person]

Furthermore if looks were not so important then why is it ladies trot out this tired phrase so often 'There is no chemistry", why not just say "You aren't physically attractive".

 

It's not so simple. Attraction is just the prerequisite. Chemistry is the real test. Oftentimes there really isn't chemistry. And the other times, it's more polite for people to blame chemistry than blame your looks.

 

Its just sad to me that the world has become as superficial as it has, yes everyone needs to be turned on by a partner but that's not all down to looks alone.

 

My advice is that you need to get over your opinions about how shallow and superficial people are; it's irrelevant. Society will continue to operate like this regardless of how bad it makes you feel. The world hasn't "become" that way. It is that way and always been. Your mistake was believing fairy tales rather than observing actual human nature and learning from it.

 

Ladies complain about being used for sex but why is this so, its simple really, this dating game turns good guys bad. You can start off with the best of intentions, start of being a total gentleman but get rejected over and over and over again and eventually why bother chasing anything else but a hook up. I wouldn't do that, mainly because I wouldn't know how and morally I couldn't use someone like that.

 

Men are more complex than the binary characterization of "gentleman" or "bad." All women aren't saints, either. People are flawed and nuanced. Nice women are perfectly capable of treating men poorly in their own way. Have you ever dated a woman and treated her perfectly only to have her screw you over somehow? It happens. People treat each other poorly. It isn't pleasant, but it's the reality. Complaining about it isn't going to help. If you want to abstain from the process, I commend you. But regardless of gender, once you get involved in the dating scene you're going to to both cause and experience undeserved pain.

 

 

Ultimately some part of attraction is confidence and that's extremely hard to find when no experience is a good one and what you want you cant get.

 

More sour grapes. Everyone learns the ropes through trial and error. Step out of your comfort zone and stop blaming the circumstances for things everyone else has figured out the hard way.

[Buddhist]

Seven pages in and what has the OP concluded.....

 

- That his personality is unchangeable. Which scientifically has been proven incorrect and is even contradicted by his own statement that he has become bitter, and therefore his personality has changed. While our preferences, ideals and mode of expression may be fixed to a degree. There is still wriggle room in what aspects of our personality we display. I am reasonably certain that the OP wasn't born blaming external circumstances for his predicament. That isn't a personality issue, it's one of perspective. That's changeable.

 

- That women are inherently unfair in their assessments of other people and we all lie through our teeth about what we're attracted to, when the information we give does not match his beliefs. I'm actually so floored by the faulty logic there I have nothing to say on the issue. I hope one day, he finds himself some new logic because this one will take him nowhere.

 

- That he's an attractive nice guy. Maybe he is, but the side we can see on this forum is decidedly unattractive, yet the OP denies all that and thinks it's irrelevant to his predicament. Sorry but if it's coming out on a forum, it's coming out IRL too.

 

- That he's the only one who's suffered rejection, unrequited love and heartbreak. Wrong. Everyone has suffered those. The main difference is other people shake it off and keep going until they find success.

 

I'd actually recommend the OP to read....The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind. It's a classic and extremely useful. Can be found in any bookstore for very little money. It was written decades ago by a religious guy but modern editions have removed most of the religious content to reveal the real nuggets of truth. I believe this book can actually change his situation. Arguing his case on LS probably won't.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Buddhist
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