Feel like I'm at a crossroads - she doesn't want to move

[sghffdmc]

Hey all, thanks in advance for any insight or advice you might have to offer. I sincerely appreciate it. Also, I apologize about the length here. I just felt like some background information is necessary to fully grasp the situation.

 

With that being said, let's get to it.

 

 

This is a very difficult time in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and we're ready for marriage. Or so I've thought.

 

Long story short - we're from Florida & moved to NYC for 2 years after college, mostly because she wanted to be there since she is in fashion. I'm also not going to pretend like I wasn't infatuated with the idea of living in the city, because who isn't when they're young and full of ambition after college? I just would have never made the move on my own or even initiated it, put it that way.

 

 

Anyways, I ended up hating it. I had a hard time finding meaningful work, the cost of living was stressing me out beyond belief and eventually I slipped into a depression. The depression put stress on our relationship as well, but we got through it. I got through it.

 

About a year and a half into the experiment, we agreed that I had given the city a fair shot and I asked my girlfriend if it were ok if I started looking for jobs elsewhere so that we could make our exit once our lease ended this December. She agreed, so I began my search.

 

I got a job in Texas sooner than I had been expecting, but it was in Austin which is a great place to live and I took the offer. I figured why not, I had permission and the opportunity might not present itself again. We've been doing distance for the last 3 months.

 

Now is where it gets complicated. She quit her 9-5 job as well last month. I thought it was because she knew she was going to be moving to Texas with me, but she says it ended up being more than she didn't like the position anymore. And now she's telling me she has a "gut feeling" that she isn't supposed to leave the city yet.

 

She has straight up told me she does not want to leave NYC, even though I don't live there anymore AND mind you, she doesn't even have a solid job in her industry at the moment. So she's basically just surviving.

 

She's also really upsetting me by hanging my past depression over my head, saying that was a very difficult time for her and she feels like she needs time on her own and she wants to continue enjoying living in NYC. But she says she doesn't want to break up, so I'm pretty confused and angry at the same time.

 

She insists that she just needs one more year up there and then she'll be ready to join me, but I'm not sure I buy that. If she's having a hard time leaving the city now...what's going to change a year from now?

 

Here's where I'm really stuck: I know if I give her an ultimatum, she will ultimately agree to it and leave the city. However, she will undoubtedly do it begrudgingly and I feel like she will resent me for it. It really, really upsets me that she doesn't want to willingly move out here for me and that she's essentially choosing NYC over me after 3 years together; when I thought we were close to taking the next step.

 

I know I should stand up for myself, but I'm also scared to death of losing her. However, part of me feels like if I do agree to her staying, I will be slowly losing her anyways. She'll continue to love the city, and what makes me think she'll ever choose to return to me?

 

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation here, and I'm not sure what to do.

[Blanco]

She's already holding something beyond your control (your depression) over your head. Can you imagine what it would be like if she ultimately chose you over where she's "meant" to be? This really is a no-win situation at the moment.

 

I think you have to warm up to the idea of letting her go. Make it clear that you're not giving her an ultimatum, but don't compromise yourself and what you want just for her sake. Do you think she'd do it for you? You've already proven you're willing to relocate for her. When is what you want to be considered within the relationship? Sounds like it's been mostly about her.

[mightycpa]

What is magical about another year? Have you asked her?

 

I would be suspicious that the idea of another year is to get a job in the fashion industry that she does like. If she does and she really does like it, then what are the chances that she'd want to leave in a year? Can she get a job in Austin doing what she wants to do after the year is up? I have to believe that's doubtful.

 

Ultimately, if you love her, and you love yourself, then you have to want what is best for the both of you. If she's going to be happy in NY (truly overrated, if you ask me, but that's just me) and you're not, then that is the dealbreaker, isn't it?

 

I guess before you let her go, you really ought to understand what that year looks like for her. It seems like such a short time, what could she possibly get out of it? I'd be thinking that this is the beginning of the end, but I'd give her a chance to explain the plan. Maybe she can explain it to your satisfaction.

 

I think you need to be honest, and you need to insist that she be 100% honest too. You've pretty much explained your thinking to us, but not hers, other than she wants to be there for another year. So I'd drill down on what she's thinking.

 

If it doesn't sound logical to you, then you might want to compromise, and tell her that while you're going to be supportive, you guys need to dial it back for now until you see how the future unfolds. Tell her you still love her, but at this point, there shouldn't be any promises between the two of you, because you're in limbo.

 

Of course, she'll want to know what that means, and you can say that while you don't want to break up, you also don't want to pretend that either of you knows for a fact she's going to follow you, so things need to change a little, they need to get less serious between you for now, and that as the year goes on, then each of you can decide what the future is starting to look like. In other words, while you're not breaking up, you're don't want to pretend you're totally committed to each other either. If she asks about seeing other people, you can tell her that's up to her, and you're not going to hold her to any promises one way or the other, she can play it by ear, but again, you need her to be 100% honest with you as the year moves along, and you'll do the same.

 

Tell her you've thought about this, and you're going to be plenty busy building a life and career in Austin, and because you love her, you insist that she needs to do whatever it is she needs to do wherever she needs to do it, and that both of you will figure it out as you go along, no pressure. Tell her that both of you could probably use some time on your own, so for now, that you don't want to constantly text each other or call, but that you'd like to touch base once a week, maybe on Sunday nights. Decide on a time that works for both of you.

 

Clear as mud? Just like her plan. Honestly, after you hang up, I'd start getting used to the idea that you're going to lose this one. But by doing it this way, it will give her a taste of the consequences and also some time to think this through. For all you know, one year will turn into 3 months, or, more likely, she'll get crystal clear with you. Either way, you'll know that you gave things a chance, and you'll have no regrets.

 

You're going to get a lot of advice to let her go now. I think instead, you just need to change the rules, back off for a little while and give her the space she's asked for without turning it into a complete showdown. You'll know what she really wants pretty soon.

[PegNosePete]

she feels like she needs time on her own

This seems like a serious red flag to me. Why does she feel she needs time on her own? If I had helped someone come through depression and they were now cured and happy, then I'd want to spend as much time with them as possible. That is surely the "prize" for helping cure you, isn't it?

 

If I were you I'd be very interested in why she wants to spend time "alone". I mean specific reasons, not generalized blah blah.

[Standard-Fare]

You're right - you can't enforce an ultimatum that she moves down to Austin with you. That will guarantee misery.

 

As painful and confusing as it is, you have to sit back and let her make her own decisions on this and see how you fit in.

 

I'm imagining that from her perspective the move out of NYC represents the end of something meaningful. The end of that post-college period of experimentation where she feels some freedom and independence and is trying to make something of herself. She probably views the move to Austin as "settling down," and in a sense, giving up on a big fashion career she once envisioned.

 

I do think that if she continues to have job problems, though, she might find herself more inclined to move. If she doesn't land a good job soon, she's really going to be suffering in NYC, and that might make Austin more appealing.

 

I think you should privately give yourself a timeline of how long you're willing to deal with her indecision on these things. Say, in three months, if she seems to be planting more firm roots in NYC and giving no signs that Austin is on her radar, then you'll have to make the call on whether to end this.