Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I am in my 30's and I date a lot. I date a lot of men I don't actually like. But I'll admit, I date them because I can. I date them because they like me and in the past I have liked men who don't feel the same way and realized I have wasted my time liking them and feeling so stupid for falling with men that haven't fallen for me back or fallen for me first. But then I admittedly, find myself dating men I don't like, in a way I am wasting their time, but I desire the attention I guess I didn't receive from the men I did like. Look I'm probably going to get hated on and judged harshly for this but I'm just baring my soul as some of you have probably done. I just fear a lot. I panic that If I don't get onto marriage and babies ( babies especially) i'll be too late. I'm 32 and I don't have a lot of time and year after year I am still single, not liking the men that like me, but dating them anyway. The thing is, I would rather choose marriage and babies over a career. That's my choice. And I would almost rather choose a man I wasn't crazy about if it meant being married and having children. I am having a panic about this as statistics for being able to conceive are not exactly in my favor and at times have real, real panic attacks over it. I do what I need to do. I don't eat very much, I'm a vegan most days and I work out. I'm not totally slim(yet) but I'm getting there slowly and I know what most men prefer ( slim woman). So I am trying to get where I need to be. Adoption in my country isn't easy and I would rather get a child naturally. I just... it sounds so stupid writing this, but I PANIC over it. And I don't want to do, marry the guy I'm not entirely in love with and learn to love him and know that he wants me and have children with me or wait year after year and still no one. Thoughts? No judgement please xo D
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I personally think you are panicking too early about your age. My sister-in-law had her first baby at 36. She got pregnant right away and they have a beautiful healthy boy no complication what so ever. Stop reading about conceiving in your 30s. We're all made differently. I was told at 48 I was as fertile as a 25 yo. Each woman is different. If your mother had a late menopause then you'll have a late one. If having children is something you don't want to miss on then why not have a child on your own?
Els Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 If your main concern is having biological children, have you ever considered talking to a fertility specialist and freezing your eggs?
basil67 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I went into menopause early so I believe you're right to be thinking about this now. When a previous poster's sister was conceiving her first child, I was already peri-menopausal. However, I'm not sure that marrying someone you don't love is the answer. I'm thinking that being a single mother may be the answer for you. Perhaps some donor sperm - or freezing eggs. 1
Buddhist Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I am in my 30's and I date a lot. I date a lot of men I don't actually like. Why bother with that? It reeks of desperation. Perhaps you should stop dating and learn to actually like yourself. I panic that If I don't get onto marriage and babies ( babies especially) i'll be too late. And that would be the worst possible reason to get into a marriage and have babies. And I would almost rather choose a man I wasn't crazy about if it meant being married and having children. Because you have a desperate need for love and approval, but marrying someone you don't like and having little dependants in your life won't fill that void. That only gets healed from within. I don't eat very much, I'm a vegan most days and I work out. I'm not totally slim(yet) but I'm getting there slowly and I know what most men prefer ( slim woman). So I am trying to get where I need to be. Eating like a sparrow and missing out on essential proteins to lose weight will not be doing your reproductive system much good at all. Excellent way to push yourself into early peri menopause. You need to lose the weight on a better diet and exercise. My thoughts are judgement-free, they come from experience. Deal with the panic on your own, until you no longer have it. Otherwise you will end up in a dead end relationship with someone you don't even like AND probably not conceive anyway. Stress hormones will kill fertility faster than time, it also takes a toll on your beauty too. My advice is this. Get a therapist for the ticking clock problem and your neediness. Get a personal trainer for your looks, one who knows something about nutrition. Stop dating until you fix these two problems. Throwing children into that kind of gaping hole in your self esteem is kind of condemning them to a lifetime of feeling worthless too. They can only learn what you demonstrate, and getting pregnant to a guy you don't even like because you're needy isn't a great thing to demonstrate.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Eating like a sparrow (whatever that means) may not be healthy, but a vegan diet is approved by the American Dietetic Association as a healthy diet, so she is not losing out on essential proteins unless she is undereating or eating a poor diet. Position of the American Dietetic Association: vegetarian diets. - PubMed - NCBI OP - do you think you are too picky? Have you ever not found someone particularly attractive, and then gotten to know them and then found them attractive? Is that what you're hoping will happen? - that someone will grow on you, or are you just hoping to partner with the most tolerable of these guys that you don't really like? I've given men lots of time to grow on me. Lots. I think I have stayed dating people because i have waited for some 'spark' to develop only to find that it's not a good match. There was one guy that got a bit possessive, always complaining that I didn't reply back to him in time, I don't even think we were exclusive in fact I know we weren't. We hadn't had a "we" or "us" conversation at all. But he has always been in the background. There we have great conversations and all and I know he'd be a great provider. Plus he always sneered at my vegan lifestyle and thought I was too "new agey". I know it seems weird, but I had a panic because all my friends are now married and having babies and it kind of hurts sometimes seeing them on FB and knowing that they're having their babies in their prime while I have trouble finding a man you know? I just feel a bit sad about it. I don't want to be left on the shelf or too old to conceive. I worry.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 I've given men lots of time to grow on me. Lots. I think I have stayed dating people because i have waited for some 'spark' to develop only to find that it's not a good match. There was one guy that got a bit possessive, always complaining that I didn't reply back to him in time, I don't even think we were exclusive in fact I know we weren't. We hadn't had a "we" or "us" conversation at all. But he has always been in the background. There we have great conversations and all and I know he'd be a great provider. Plus he always sneered at my vegan lifestyle and thought I was too "new agey". I know it seems weird, but I had a panic because all my friends are now married and having babies and it kind of hurts sometimes seeing them on FB and knowing that they're having their babies in their prime while I have trouble finding a man you know? I just feel a bit sad about it. I don't want to be left on the shelf or too old to conceive. I worry. Oh and I don't overeat is what I meant. I don't eat that much because I don't need to. I graze. I graze on fruits, nuts etc..
carhill Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I personally think you are panicking too early about your age. My sister-in-law had her first baby at 36. She got pregnant right away and they have a beautiful healthy boy no complication what so ever. Yeah, my mom had her first, me, at 37 and both mother and child were healthy and both remained healthy, me currently at 56 and she until well into her 80's before getting dementia. All my parents had was happy thoughts and 1950's medical science. Additionally, both were smokers, though mom stopped while pregnant, she said. Women these days have so much more knowledge and medical science and health advances. ----------- OP, if I could offer any advice, it would be to stop dating men you don't like simply because you can. If not meeting men you like, enjoy being single. If/when meeting the right one, things will happen fast. The time spent on others takes away from timelines involving men you can grow a future and have children with, if you so desire.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I hear you. I am few years older than you and I haven't dated a man I liked in YEARS. I very rarely like someone, but then they are not into me or don't want a committed relationship; there is always something. So I give chances to men that I am not that into, wait to feel something, I never do, my depression grows etc etc Few years back, I made a choice that I would be happier with having a career than marry a man I am not that into and have babies. I don't want biological children so it's not as hard of a choice for me. I have put most of my energies into my career, am doing great there and date men now and then. Relationships and dating are no longer a primary focus of my life; I wish I could say "and then I met someone when I was least expecting it". Nope, that didn't happen and I have accepted that my path in life is just different. Also, many women in their 30s marry a man they are "not that into" for the purpose of having a family. Some of my friends did it and while they never fell in love with their husbands, they are still happy in their mother role and like the stability of a marriage. You sound like you would be, so my advice is to look for a man that is "on paper" a good candidate for marriage and children. Take the physical attraction out of the equation all together and have a minimum of "not being repulsed" by a man. We all want a fairytale ending, but the hard reality is that most don't get it. So you have to make certain choices in life. I think that at your age you do need to think about what you want longer term, rather than just "wait and see what happens".
Els Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Is there a reason you are not considering Basil's and my suggestions, OP?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Is there a reason you are not considering Basil's and my suggestions, OP? it's not that I am not considering it, I'd look into it. I'm worried that it'll cost a lot.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Also, many women in their 30s marry a man they are "not that into" for the purpose of having a family. Some of my friends did it and while they never fell in love with their husbands, they are still happy in their mother role and like the stability of a marriage. You sound like you would be, so my advice is to look for a man that is "on paper" a good candidate for marriage and children. Take the physical attraction out of the equation all together and have a minimum of "not being repulsed" by a man. We all want a fairytale ending, but the hard reality is that most don't get it. So you have to make certain choices in life. I think that at your age you do need to think about what you want longer term, rather than just "wait and see what happens". Although many men and woman will not agree with you here, I understand you and see your point. Some people are just unlucky in love. That's just the way it is. Sometimes it is better to settle than to not have the opportunity to settle down.
Els Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 it's not that I am not considering it, I'd look into it. I'm worried that it'll cost a lot. It will cost a few thousands, but honestly that is nothing compared to the cost of actually raising the child, especially when taking into consideration payment for daycare or taking the hit in income to care for the child yourself.
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 The "get married and have a baby" panic usually kicks in for women around 30 and gradually increases, peaking at 34, then goes on a decline between 35 to 40, assuming she never finds someone, until she decides that kids are not in the cards for her, or that she doesn't want kids now.
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Oh and my best friend had her first baby (natural conception) at 38. Second one at 41 (that one might have been enhanced conception).
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