Stoneski Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 How can a happy relationship take such a nose dive? Was it my fault or an overreaction on her part? Probably a bit of both but that doesn't make me feel any better Going back a while, I had split with my girlfriend in March 2014. She hadn't taken the breakup well but we stayed in touch for a time. I had paid her back for things she had bought our house etc and arranged the delivery vans. Trying to do the right thing? She still occasionally texted me and we were amicable. This all changed in Febuary this year when I met someone else. The texting became worse and it came to a head when my ex came to my house uninvited to collect some plates. She hadn't known I would be there so I realised she had a key. Seeing me with a new girlfriend made her lash out and hit me across the face. This was the last time I saw her. I decided to make sure the police were informed and placed a no contact restraining order on her. My current girlfriend didn't seem too fussed about it all which was a huge relief. Over the next few months I heard very little from my ex. I had the occasional text which would be something inconsequential or mundane such as, "looks like I need to change the name on this form" or something along those lines. I could of gone back to the police but I guess I hoped that it would stop, she would get the message etc. And I simply ignored them all. I had already blocked her on Facebook but decided not to block the phone in case she did start saying something worse and I could go to the police with it? Fast forward to today, my birthday. My girlfriend and I had been going great for 10 months now and everything was fine. Our first Christmas together etc. I wake up to her showing me a Happy Birthday text on my phone from my ex. And that, as they say, was that. I hadn't told her about my ex texting me and I hadn't done anything about it with the police. I had betrayed her trust and she doesn't know if she can be with me now. She has taken some bags and gone back to her flat now for a few days. I have no idea if she'll give me another chance or if I've blown it. I feel especially bad as, in my heart, I try to be one of the good guys. I've never cheated on anyone and would never start with a girl this good. But we're my actions (or in-actions) enough dishonesty to destroy this relationship? I could really use some advice here. Was I completely in the wrong? How can I rebuild this trust between us??
DoesntGetIt Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You say you weren't responding to the texts so show your new gf that in the text history. You didn't do anything wrong really, but most people want to know if you're in touch with an ex, so I could see the immediate overreaction from her. Just explain it and give it time.
basil67 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Unless there's something you missed in your story, I can't see that you did anything wrong. I agree with the above poster that showing your history of not replying and giving time will probably help things. But even if it does help, do you really want a girlfriend who will leave over such a minor thing? 2
PogoStick Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Are you sure she felt the relationship was as good as you did? It seems like a weak reason to start a fight. I think if you have a mutually good relationship that this wouldn't be much of an issue at all.
Author Stoneski Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 I guess I'm trying to figure out if it is a minor thing or not. Would I like to find out an ex boyfriend had been texting her and she hadn't told me about it? Probably not. But would I walk out over it? Probably not. I've been going between feeling bad about not saying anything to her and also feeling angry she would do this over something like that. I think the problem is that she has been cheated on in the past and seeing something like that brings those hurtful feelings back. Which I can understand. But on the other hand I feel it's not fair to blame me for what someone else has done in her past either.
Author Stoneski Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Are you sure she felt the relationship was as good as you did? It seems like a weak reason to start a fight. I think if you have a mutually good relationship that this wouldn't be much of an issue at all. The thought crossed my mind. But as I discovered after she left she had gone to the trouble of setting up a birthday treasure hunt around the house for me. And other things she does are very thoughtful. I have no reason to think she wasn't fully committed to us.
xcupid Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You've got no control over what your ex does. But why didn't you just block her on your phone? 1
Author Stoneski Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 I guess because of the police involvement before a history of contact may be useful if the texting started getting too often or threatening in some way. the content was fairly mundane though and the frequency was about once a month maybe? I suppose I thought it wasn't enough to warrant harassment and I could just ignore them - but keep them just in case. Probably not very smart in hindsight.
Author Stoneski Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Well, it's the next day and not heard anything. I probably haven't given it enough time but I'm thinking the worst. What's tearing me up is it could of been so easily avoided. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing! This is probably the first relationship I had had where I truly felt a deep connection and this feeling is literally the worst.
No_Go Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Why was your GF checking your phone? IMO this is a major breech of trust and I'd personally end the things with her over it. I understand I'm a bit extreme but it shocks me that SHE complains of your ex texting you when YOU are the one who has his privacy violated by your gf.
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I don't think she feels you were cheating, it's the fact you didn't let her in on what was going on. You kept it from her, and that is a breach of trust. You all may think it's not a big deal, but it is to her. Sorry folks this looks real bad. I don't blame her one bit for reacting the way she did. OP you f'ed up. How else is she supposed to feel. You never reported any of the messages to the police, the messages were not threatening at all ever, so there was no reason to not to block her on your phone. Should have blocked her after the first two messages and called it a day. You let this go on for almost a whole frickin year....pretty sad. And now here you are, having very little to no empathy for your GF, the person you say you have the deepest connection with, blowing off her reaction saying her behavior was uncalled for.....your attitude stinks and you are full of it. How about not thinking about yourself for once, and go find her and apologize to her in person or you will end up being alone. 1
GemmaUK Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 How would you feel if the situation were reversed OP? Would you be all good and happy with it? 1
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 And for all those who are calling her a jealous, been cheated on, snoop....she is none of those things IMO. If she was she would have found out about this a long time ago. She has no history of being insecure, or jealous as plainly expressed in the OP's opening post. It is possible the ex gf texted right when she was by his phone...anyone can just look down and see the name.
Poutrew Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Your GF has trust issues. She is going through your phone, and probably your computer as well. Who know what else she is / has done? Do you really want to have a GF that you need to text every 4 minutes to report your whereabouts to? I guess if it were me, I'd be asking myself this question: "What am I willing to give up for the bliss my girlfriend offers me?" She sounds more like your mommy than your partner. Since I already have a mommy, I'd look at her breakup with me over such a trivial issue as a blessing in disguise. 2
karokarol Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I agree with Smackie all the way. Clearly, this hurt her in some way that undermined her relationship with you. Go find her, with a serious, heartfelt apology. You need to show her that this was a stupid mistake, and ask her to give you an opportunity to show her how much indeed you care for her. 1
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Your GF has trust issues. She is going through your phone, and probably your computer as well. Who know what else she is / has done? Do you really want to have a GF that you need to text every 4 minutes to report your whereabouts to? I guess if it were me, I'd be asking myself this question: "What am I willing to give up for the bliss my girlfriend offers me?" She sounds more like your mommy than your partner. Since I already have a mommy, I'd look at her breakup with me over such a trivial issue as a blessing in disguise. No this goes to show this lovely lady deserves better, and someone who respects her feelings.
No_Go Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Well, sounds insane that she just saw, note, a birthday wish message, and created all this drama.... IMO she either saw longer text history (which can be done only by violating OP's privacy by hijacking his phone) or she has severe maturity issues... IMO to ruin your BF's birthday for a birthday wish to him by whoever is downright cruel and disrespectful:( And for all those who are calling her a jealous, been cheated on, snoop....she is none of those things IMO. If she was she would have found out about this a long time ago. She has no history of being insecure, or jealous as plainly expressed in the OP's opening post. It is possible the ex gf texted right when she was by his phone...anyone can just look down and see the name. 1
wb1988 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Your GF has trust issues. She is going through your phone, and probably your computer as well. Who know what else she is / has done? Do you really want to have a GF that you need to text every 4 minutes to report your whereabouts to? I guess if it were me, I'd be asking myself this question: "What am I willing to give up for the bliss my girlfriend offers me?" She sounds more like your mommy than your partner. Since I already have a mommy, I'd look at her breakup with me over such a trivial issue as a blessing in disguise. She probably checks once in a blue moon, no need to exaggerate. I hate how there are so many people that do this, it's like you guys are what is wrong with the world. It's likely that she saw his phone when the message came. Also she did find something so in my book she's right to snoop (it's only wrong if you don't find anything). Just tell her everything you wrote, be apologetic (even though you didn't really do anything wrong) and it should turn out good.
Author Stoneski Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 As for my gf going through my phone, no. I am sure she doesn't snoop and she only saw this because she was near the phone when the message arrived and looked down. I have no worries that she has been going through my things. If the situation was reversed? I have thought about it a lot and in all honesty I would be annoyed, angry but I think I would take on board the lack of response, the fact this ex is blocked on FB etc. as a clear sign there isn't anything going on and it was a stupid mistake. I mean, she does keep some of her exe's as Facebook friends and I really don't have a problem with it. The difference being I don't believe she is in regular contact with them where this situation is my ex trying to keep in contact and I'm ignoring them. Would she tell me if one of her exe's sent her a FB message - even if it was innocent and mundane or would she just ignore it and move on? I don't know. Would others feel that they should report that to their current partner (honest question). @Smackie - I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility for not telling her about it when I clearly should have. But I just don't feel as if her reaction truly fit's the crime. Are you saying if it was you who found this you would walk out of an otherwise good relationship?
Taramere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) If you haven't been responding to any of these texts, I don't see that you've done anything wrong. You don't really have a duty to report mundane, non threatening texts from somebody who you have a restraining order out against. Neither do you have a duty to block them. It's probably a good idea to block her (especially now, if it will help you to resolve things with your current girlfriend) - but as far as obligations go, the obligation is on that person (who has a restraining order out against them) not to contact you. If you responded to any of her texts, then that's a trickier issue because it means you've encouraged contact from somebody who you've taken out a restraining order against. Why did your gf see the message before you did? Is it possible for somebody to just glance at the screen of your phone and see who a message is from/what it says without them actually picking up the phone and scrolling through your messages? I wouldn't expect somebody else, no matter how close, to actually pick up my phone and start going into my messages - but I suppose it's for the two of you to work out your own boundaries on that one. If I were your gf, I'd be annoyed on two counts. One that you were still in contact with an ex when I was of the understanding that the two of you were no longer on speaking terms, two that you were in contact with somebody you'd taken out a restraining order against - which is how she seems to be seeing it. Perhaps sending your gf an email or a Facebook message is the best way to clarify the situation to her. That, if I understand correctly, your ex has sent you unsolicited but not report-worthy texts which you just ignored. That with hindsight it would have probably been best to block her. Often trying to talk these things out in the heat of the moment results in people not really listening to what's being said or having selective hearing.Then you could talk later...but putting it in writing first means that she can take a breather and then hear (or rather read) your perspective when she feels calmer. Edited December 22, 2015 by Taramere
Bom Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) I don't understand why you didn't just block your ex on her phone? The whole excuse of seeing if she would send something else you could show the police seems petty? They placed a no contact restraining order for a reason and you didn't hold your end of it. If you truly wanted no contact you would of blocked her number. I can totally see why your ex was mad specially since you didn't inform her you were keeping her unblocked on your phone. That being said, I think you can easily rebuild your trust with her, just be fully honest and apologize for what you done. She's hurt because in her eyes you are still in contact with an ex.. An ex with a restraining order! You've just got to show her that it's nothing more than a few texts and you will have her fully blocked from now on. Edited December 22, 2015 by Bom
Author Stoneski Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 No, I didn't respond to any of them. My ex has been bocked on FB for months. Yes, the text pops up on the front screen which was how she saw it. She wasn't snooping on my phone at all. In hindsight I do realise that it was an idiotic reason not to block her number and I should of done it sooner, not only to prevent any contact but also to have shown my gf that I really don't want this contact.
salparadise Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 The fact that you didn't block the ex, and your girlfriend's extreme reaction, means the two of you gave your ex the power to ruin your relationship and dictate the course of your lives. Your girlfriend is misinterpreting and attaching a lot of meaning to that one text. Hope she comes to her senses. All you can do is try to explain... and block the ex once and for all.
No_Go Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Stonecki, I find it shocking YOU feel responsible and are taking the blame. Your current gf is cruel, cold and abusive person, I can't find a single thought justifying her actions on YOUR birthday, even if she was not snooping it is none of her business who sends you birthday wishes. If you still consider that heartless person a gf, you have only yourself to blame, best of luck.
No_Go Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 The "lovely lady" ruins her BF's birthday over a birthday wish... That's beyond sociopathic of her. No this goes to show this lovely lady deserves better, and someone who respects her feelings. 1
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