Living with ex-girlfriend.....

[ExpendableYouth]

Hello,

 

Well I have finally decided to make an account here, in hope of finding some peace with myself.

 

WARNING: This is a long post, as I am trying to get everything off my chest...

 

My ex-girlfriend of almost 2 years had broken up with me in August, 2015. We had moved into together 4 years ago as friends, and on Christmas Eve 2013....we began being "more than friends" (I remember the night so well, like it was yesterday. We were watching "Spectre", it was cold, I was giving her a foot massage and she suddenly pulled me to her and we got intimate. After, she told me "Do you know how long I waited for you to kiss me?") Being as though I have known her for almost 12 years, I was very excited to begin being "more than friends".

 

A little backstory. She had gotten divorced from her ex-husband of 5 years (She is currently 27, she was about 23 at the time). It was difficult for her, she had 2 kids from her marriage. She rented a room on Craigslist, and we began talking more as friends. She was very unhappy in her life, and was around people she did not know (roommates). My friend and I had a room available in our home, so I asked her if she would like to come live with us and get away from negative people. She accepted, and a few months later she moved in. We were friends, I felt great helping her and showing her people aren't all out to get you, as both me and my friend are very positive people and love to help others. A year or so went by, I was single, she was dating others (nothing serious), and we decided we wanted to rent our own home. So, we pulled the gun. It was a fun time for all of us, and about a year later we actually began dating. She had a crush on me for about 12 years, I just never knew it and because she was married and I have never gone after someone who is taken.

 

Now, our relationship was great. We would do things together, talk about all our feelings and dreams, and every day we would catch up on the day's events. I finally began thinking I had found the one for me, I treated her with love and respect and I received the same. A year went by, we were getting closer and closer, and i just could not believe how smoothly things have gone. I had never made plans to marry, or discuss...I just wanted to go with the flow and enjoy it while it was here. She made it very clear she was not interested in re-marrying, or having more kids (2 was enough for me, they were here 50/50 in custody from her husband). I was not interested in having children of my own, so it was not a problem for me.

 

Before I go any further, I must admit some things about myself. I suffer from very bad social anxiety. It is difficult for me to go out and about, and sometimes I am trapped in my own mind. I also am a virgin, as I had some traumatic experiences witnessing my mother being "raped" by my father. Dealing with abuse alcoholic parents, I vowed never to be that way. There is nothing "wrong" with the equipment, I always wanted to just wait for the right girl. She told me she did not care about that, that she can indeed "take care of herself". She never pressured me into having intercourse, which I did respect. Of course, by the time I was reading to have sex, she began withdrawing into someone else. Since we were roommates prior, we both slept in different rooms...even while dating (She loved being able to spread out in her own bed after sharing with ex-husband so long, and I've always slept alone).

 

Things were fine, we were very close and always communicated. I did not have a Facebook account for years, and she did. I did not care because I trusted her, and she is entitled to have her OWN life outside of our relationship (she is a social butterfly). I gave her plenty of freedom (girl's nights out, her own hobbies, etc), and never really gave it any thought as I enjoy my private alone time as well.

 

Then came the fateful August day. I had a week's vacation, and messaged her if she would like to go out to dinner and a movie. I also was planning alot of activities together, being as though I only get 1 week off a year.....the reply I got back, was her breaking up with me...via text message. I had noticed she was being a little distant the last two weeks, so I was wondering what was going on (sometimes her ex-husband and her have fights over the children, etc, etc). Well, I will never forget this. She said yes she has a lot of problems on her mind. She said she was sick of having our relationship consist of the walls of our home, and that it only consisted of us being together talking about the same things over and over and over, and how every time we have gone out, it was "oh so incredibly awkward" and she just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I sat for a while, and replied that I am happy she has opened up, and I am sorry for making her feel this way as it was never my intention. I would not beg her back, I will simply accept and respect her decision. All I have ever wanted was her to indeed, be happy.

 

Well, I made a big...big mistake. Being as though our lease was not up for a good 5-6 months, I did not know exactly how this would work. I stayed away from her, and tried my best to respect her decision. About a month had passed, I went in to talk to her about everything. She laid it out for me, I was too judgemental, couples make memories together, I worry about my debt too much, she was afraid to tell me what her friends were up to in fear of "messing with my mind", all I had in my life was work, sports, and video games (I work full time and have my own business on the side that I am building). This indeed hurt, being as though for 2 years, she NEVER mentioned any of these things to me. She told me she did not want to confront me in person (By the way guys, I am not an abusive person, I have never laid a hand on a woman in my life), and that texting is her way of ....communicating.

 

We talked for hours, and I knew then....there was no way she was coming back to me. I would not make the mistake of promising her I would change, as I am who I have been for 29 years. HOWEVER, I did make it clear to her that if she would have mentioned these things to me, I would have compromised and met her in the middle. I told her she was worth me giving it my all, that this relationship was indeed worth working on. It fell on deaf ears, my friends.

 

So, naturally I began to suffer depression due to this loss. it has been about 4 months now, we still live together. I made the mistake of going on Facebook, and saw that from June she was hanging out with a man 20 years her elder. I know this friend, he was an ex-boyfriend, and he caused her a lot of pain in the past. I made it clear I do not care for him, but hey she was single...she is free to do what she wants. That realization hurt, but in my mind I tried to accept this is how things are, she is just being a single girl and living her life.

 

I have since told her I need to move out, because this is too difficult for me. She said she understood, and would begin making plans to leave. When I brought it up to the landlord that we were going to be leaving, she completely flipped out on me. Told me "this is how you handle ****, you run away. Run, run as fast as you can, that's how you handle your life". Because she texts these things, we had a complete and utter communication breakdown. I was very hurt by all the things she was saying, as I thought she understood that I can't MOVE ON if I see this person every single day. I wish I could have moved out a few months ago, but I would have broken the lease and cost me about 5,000 dollars (which I did not have). I have a cat, I tried renting rooms on Craigslist but to no avail due to nobody wanting pets. I have no family to live with, and my friends are married and/or not in the area.

 

I began making plans to leave (I have a date for mid February to finally leave, as it took me about 2 months to secure a safe and comfortable living situation). All the same, I tried to be civil while we stayed together. I would still clean the house, be friendly with her children (They are innocent, I never show anger in front of them), and pay all my half of the bills. I made another mistake about 2 weeks ago by looking at her Facebook. This time I saw...."In a relationship" with another guy. I had suspected there was something going on as she pretty much LIVED on her cellphone the last 2-3 months. I will not lie to you guys, that hurt me so bad, knowing she has moved on and I have indeed been crying for a solid 2 weeks.

 

I have fallen back to my friends to talk about this, as they are my support. She seems to happy now, which in reality that IS ALL I'VE EVER WANTED. She acts with the new guy as she did with me when we began dating. But now she brings him to the house, after I mentioned to her please respect my feelings until I move out, it is difficult enough for me with the breakup as I am still in love with her. But the pain of being casted out (she never really mentioned she was dating me to any of her friends, as I found out later through a mutual friend)....I felt like I was a ghost of her life. I feel as though as much as I tried to treat her with respect, and love her more than I have ever loved before....it was for nothing.

 

Now I sit here, writing this story. I am crushed, and am contemplating seeking mental help because my mind is stuck on negative. I realize nothing I could have done would have made a difference. I did in fact, try my best. Any problems we may have had, could have been worked out if she wanted to. But she chose to not communicate with me at all, and pretty much run into the next guy's arms. I am now just a bystander, she does not talk to me at all anymore. Every time we do talk, I feel as though I start right back to day one. I will be moving out on about a month, and I do not wish to ever speak to this girl again. I do however, wish her the best, and I do understand it is my EGO that is making me feel so rejected. She knows HOW I feel about her, so discussing this will not help. I want to move on, my heart is broken and I only hope to begin healing when I move out. I have tried to keep busy work with and playing sports, but I find myself thinking about her more than i would like to admit. I would go out with friends and whatnot....she was on my mind. I can't date other girls, not when my heart is with someone else (for the time being).

 

Thank you for reading my novel, I am sorry it is so long, I have so many pent up feelings that i just had to type them out. They say every person teaches you a lesson. I learned to not ever share a lease with someone. If I was the only person on the lease, I would have asked her to move out in August. I will never make that mistake again. I did have a talk with her two weeks ago, and I thought we had patched up any ill feelings. We ended up hugging it out, and the next day I guess she began her new relationship. I do indeed love this woman very much, but it hurts so bad now. I understand every relationship ends, I just wish I didn't have to see her move on right in front of me and throw it in my face. I feel as though nothing I did mattered, that my feelings are now indeed irrelevant. I will now prepare and start packing up my belongings (as we have alot of shared purchases from living together for 4+ years), I have since deleted her phone number, any contact info I have.....I will never contact her again. She has moved on, I need to start healing and take some time for myself. I wish things could have been different, and I can't blame her. I know I need to work on myself, as though it seems my personality is what drove her off. I only wish she came to me, and not relied on text messaging. I am 10 feet away from you, a proper direct communication would have been best. But hey, this is the digital age....and people look for the easy way out. I only wish I am able to heal, it will be a long difficult road ahead. But I do know, if I do not see her, I will get better. I love her kids, her kids love me. But I know I must move on, she is not coming back and it is stupid to even contemplate waiting it out. It hurts me to type this, I will not tell her anything anymore. This is my goodbye.

 

Thank you,

Expendable Youth

Edited December 20, 2015 by ExpendableYouth

[lolablue17]

It is her place too, because she's paying half of the rent, right? So technically she can bring anyone she wants. But she was the one who chose the timing of the break up, so i think she could have been more empathetic to your feelings. Apparently she isn't.

 

I think you're too weak and needy. As an exercise for you, I think you must have a talk with her, asking her not to bring this guy to your mutual place, until you're no longer there. Maybe the new guy can replace you and live with her, paying the rest of the rent.

 

If she insists bringing him home, tell her (only in conversation, never by texts) that she disrespect you, and you can make his visits to be hell for both of them, because you have nothing to lose.

 

If she allows herself to hurt you that much, you are going to allow yourself to extremely embarassing her while they will both be there.

 

I'm sure that this behavior is not you... But maybe it's time to show her that you're a man, and you have no fears, not from her, or anyone else, and everyone who does not respect you is going to pay a disproportionate price for that.

 

Believe me, you have nothing to lose, and it will be a good exercise for your future. If you need ideas how to embarrass her when he is there, just let me know..

Edited December 20, 2015 by lolablue17