Ic1 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I'd appreciate it if I could get reviews of my plan for tact of my situation. The story to start: Girlfriend of almost 2 months exclusive now was very distant all of a sudden, and I gave her space for 3 days with NC. She contacted me, and I stopped by her place to pick up a thermos I let her borrow. Instead of just meeting me at the door, she brought me into her place and we talked for a little bit. Told her I was worried about her recent change of avoiding plans. She communicated to me some new events in her life that had her down. I know she was telling the truth, and upon leaving she got up to give me a hug and kiss from solely her initiation. Few days latter after little contact, trying to get her to do something fun she kept avoiding me. During that time I found I was certainly not the only one she was avoiding. Made her talk to me about our relationship and how it couldn't continue this way. She told me I was doing nothing wrong, was sorry but snapped saying "her life was going in no direction!". Told her that her life was going good places (it is), but she needed to change something like finding a new job. (She hates her current one). I knew she was depressed after this. Many clues all pointed to it, as well as talking to others who were having the same issues. Never had any disagreement with her except now in a non-argumentative way and have many good memories, but it's only been two months and I think I shouldn't stay with her if she can't show any effort. So my plan of actions: Made a coupon with a few selections of fine dates that would be on me that will be a surprise for her to come home to after work. It has an expiration two days after delivery because I know she'll have one of them off. Going out, having some fun and trying to cheer her up. But if she turns it down, I'll have to tell her I have to leave. Thoughts?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 If she is truly struggling with depression, a few fun dates (while well-intentioned and certainly a thoughtful idea on your part) isn't going to suddenly turn it around. And it certainly won't help to put an expiry date on it - she'll probably feel pressured and see right through it. I have a feeling this gesture won't have the desired effect. What she is dealing with is a bigger struggle, unfortunately. Depression clouds a person's ability to see the happy moments, impairs their ability to enjoy the activities they used to, and often causes people to withdraw and isolate themselves. Offer the dates as a sincere token of your affection; it will mean a lot to her. But don't give them to her like an ultimatum; that's not coming from the right place. if you're not happy with the way things are going, you are free to leave. She just might not be capable right now of giving you the affection and time you'd like. You're not wrong for feeling this way, by the way; it's fair to have brought it to her attention and make her understand your needs aren't being met. But just keep in mind that true depression is a struggle and generally the affected party will need a lot more time to work out their issues. Only you can decide if you're willing to ride it out with her. 2
Author Ic1 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 don't give them to her like an ultimatum; that's not coming from the right place. The expiration isn't meant to be an ultimatum, and I'm not telling her I'm leaving if she doesn't use the coupon. The purpose of the expiration is to make her use it. If I were to have no 'due date', she would simply hold on to it forever right now. She needs to be taken out, because she won't go out on her own. Perhaps it would be better to be at her place with it when she comes home for a surprise of "let's go out tonight!"?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 The expiration isn't meant to be an ultimatum, and I'm not telling her I'm leaving if she doesn't use the coupon. The purpose of the expiration is to make her use it. If I were to have no 'due date', she would simply hold on to it forever right now. She needs to be taken out, because she won't go out on her own. Perhaps it would be better to be at her place with it when she comes home for a surprise of "let's go out tonight!"? I think this is a somewhat better idea. Putting a due date on it makes it seem more like an obligation, and what if she still lets it slide? Or you can plan a nice night in. Get some movies ready to watch, make her dinner, give her a massage. If she is as stressed and depressed as you described, she'll appreciate that you are her soft place to fall. 1
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Don't do the coupon thing....it's very passive/aggressive, playing games. People can be real depressed during this time of year. The year is near it's end and some people feel they haven't accomplished enough. I suggest you try to cheer her up, take the pressure off her, and let her get through it. Then after the new year, if you don't see any improvement, end it. 1
Author Ic1 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 I suggest you try to cheer her up, take the pressure off her, and let her get through it. Then after the new year, if you don't see any improvement, end it. I've altered the coupon to be simply cheerful. No expiration, and I actually came to this because I was going to give her a coupon set of such to use next year. Have to give something else now. Going out isn't a cure for depression. Doing something productive is. The coupon made: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0HRM3UF2fQxTFN3bXpueGJKelU/view?usp=sharing The reason for these two choices is because they would be relatively accomplishing. Mockingjay part 2 is a movie she just watched all of the previous ones with me (or made me) because the last was coming out. The Museum of Art is a place she's never been but wants to go. The bumble bee is included because she loves bees, and honey. Don't think the address change note is because I'm moving for her. I'm moving closer to a new job using my degree, and is no new news.
Matt Uchiha Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Just leave her alone. She should learn how to handle life without being b*tchy towards the people who care about her.
Author Ic1 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Just leave her alone. She should learn how to handle life without being b*tchy towards the people who care about her. She's not being mean to anyone. She's just without motivation to do anything. Don't do the coupon thing....it's very passive/aggressive, playing games. People can be real depressed during this time of year. The year is near it's end and some people feel they haven't accomplished enough. I suggest you try to cheer her up, take the pressure off her, and let her get through it. Then after the new year, if you don't see any improvement, end it. I will still go with the coupon, but with no exp. date, and I've intentionally chosen the choices of dates to be things that would actually be slightly accomplishing. eg Seeing the Museum of Art that she's never been to (and has wanted to see), but wants to before going to the bar/restaurant we met at. You're right about the time of year though, and the coupon's purpose is to cheer her up. I think I will go with your timeframe of after New Year's to need a difference to be noticed.
dobielover Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Are you trying to bring her depression to an end? Is that what you mean by the title? That's not how it works. 1
Space Ritual Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 IDK, She may see the Coupon thing as an ultimatum of some sort. Sometimes these things have a knack of blowing up in our faces even with the best of intentions. I would really go with the Surprise thing and maybe pulling out all the stops one time. It could be any number of things. I know this is effecting you obviously. Keep in mind that the Holidays do put a lot of pressure on people of their own making as people have unrealistic expectations about the whole season. That could be a contributing factor but from what you describe maybe the best course of action right now would be to show her how special she is. Again, we are not you, and as I stated before it's obviously effecting you or you would not have posted. I am simply of the opinion that the Coupon thing has a real possibility of being taken the wrong way
Author Ic1 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Are you trying to bring her depression to an end? Is that what you mean by the title? That's not how it works. No, I mean her depression feels like it's bringing it to an end between us.
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 There are ways to fight seasonal depression without using medication. One that works as good as anti-depressant is light therapy. Taking her out will not make her feel better, it will just feel like a chore to her. If she tries all the non-medication solution and she is not feeling better she needs to see her doctor. If she refuses to consult her doctor you need to let go of her and move on. My daughter had to put an end of an 8 month relationship. When it hit November her boyfriend started to withdraw himself, stopped calling, stopped seeing her and had no will to do anything. She tried everything under the sun to cheer him up but no results. He could spend 3 weeks without seeing her. Finally she ended the relationship upon his refusal to see a doctor. People with seasonal depression have to take it seriously. If she wants to help herself by trying different solution than stand by her side. If she refuses to look into her depression then end it. She is just going to make your life miserable.
Omei Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Truely depressed or not whatever she's going through she doesnt like you enough to make effort during the time of her downess, I think whatever shes going through shes going through but I also think shes taking this opportunity to use this as a method to fizzle out of your relationship.
Author Ic1 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 There are ways to fight seasonal depression without using medication. One that works as good as anti-depressant is light therapy. Taking her out will not make her feel better, it will just feel like a chore to her. If she tries all the non-medication solution and she is not feeling better she needs to see her doctor. If she refuses to consult her doctor you need to let go of her and move on. My daughter had to put an end of an 8 month relationship. When it hit November her boyfriend started to withdraw himself, stopped calling, stopped seeing her and had no will to do anything. She tried everything under the sun to cheer him up but no results. He could spend 3 weeks without seeing her. Finally she ended the relationship upon his refusal to see a doctor. People with seasonal depression have to take it seriously. If she wants to help herself by trying different solution than stand by her side. If she refuses to look into her depression then end it. She is just going to make your life miserable. What would be some of these non-medical ways, or places I could read about them?
smackie9 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 What would be some of these non-medical ways, or places I could read about them? A nice relaxing massage Cleaning the house, cook dinner for her. 1
Author Ic1 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 I actually just delivered the coupon because when I got to her place to surprisingly cook dinner, she wasn't there and her landlady (& friend) told me she had taken up a shift. (One reason for stress is tight budget). So I left her the coupon I had made. But I should try showing up another time soon simply to give a massage & an eve of pampering. 1
Gaeta Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 What would be some of these non-medical ways, or places I could read about them? Seasonal Affective Disorder: 6 Ways to Stop It | Greatist 9 Ways to Treat Seasonal Depression - Depression Center - Everyday Health Foods that Boost Serotonin and Help Fight Depression in Winter I live in a place where it's total darkness after 3h30 pm and it's affecting my level of energy. I got that light box and use it 1 hour per day at the office. Only 2-3 days after using it I went from falling asleep on the couch at 7 pm to now spending my evenings shopping, cleaning, visiting friends etc. It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g !! Warning: You cannot use a light box if you are on antidepressant.
thecrucible Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I would say definitely not do the ultimatum or coupon thing. I think you should support her and tell her you will help her get through it but at some point, she'll need to be self-motivated and push herself towards getting better otherwise the relationship might be too draining and you need to think about how long you can stick it out and what's best for both of you. You could help her by your encouragement, helping her to find a new job she really likes and making sure she has a good routine (having a daily routine is actually really good for your mood). I was once very depressed myself. It was absolutely awful and while I was never diagnosed with clinical depression, I couldn't handle the relationship I was in. Actually, my boyfriend at the time made it worse. I was devastated when he ended it but looking back it was part of a longer term process of me sorting myself out. After a few years of doctors ignoring me and telling me there was nothing wrong with me, I was finally diagnosed with Anxiety. I still have the odd relapse but now I know what's going on, it's so much easier for me to manage my emotions and be in relationships. If she goes to the doctor and/or gets therapy, hopefully this will provide some clarity.
Author Ic1 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 I would say definitely not do the ultimatum or coupon thing. I think you should support her and tell her you will help her get through it but at some point, she'll need to be self-motivated and push herself towards getting better One thing to consider is she has not stated she's depressed, and I don't think she realizes/admits to being. Perhaps this is the next thing to talk to her about realizing it? I have talked to her about things she could do to be happier. I was once very depressed myself... I couldn't handle the relationship I was in. I've thought about this heavily, because it's a hard one for me to address. What can tell me if I'm helping by trying to? Think of the details of having a break in the relationship because of such.
Author Ic1 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) An update on what happened. She got the coupon, and it definitely made her happy with response. I went to her place to surprise her the next day to use it and she wasn't there. Turned out to be at the library when she responded to a text. She didn't want to use the coupon then despite doing nothing, and I told her I needed to talk to her in person. Had excuse of having dinner with landlord (short event I've been to with her and could've waited 20 min), so I told her over the phone I needed to address our relationship and why so she could think over it before we talked. She told me we could meet the next day's afternoon. She has another excuse that afternoon, 'couldn't sleep last night' so she would when we planned on meeting... She's dodging me because she knows I'm bringing her depression up to her. I've decided I'm leaving her because her only efforts are avoiding the fact she has it. No effort on dealing with it. Hope it doesn't turn into a situation where I simply have to break up with her by text and unexpectedly stop by to pick some of my things up. Edited December 23, 2015 by Ic1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 She probably senses you are not happy and perhaps she is afraid that you want to talk to her to break up with her, thus her dodging tactics. Call her (not text) and tell her you are concerned, that you can she see is stressed and that you are happy to offer her some support if she helps you understand what's going on with her. (If you truly want to do so, of course) Give her the opportunity to open up to you. She might just take it. Being in a relationship with a truly depressed person requires a lot of patience, compassion and self-care on the part of the non-depressed partner. It can be confusing and hurtful when you feel shut out, but the vast majority of the time (in my experience) that withdrawal is not a reflection of their feelings for you. It is more like a coping mechanism and a way to seek relief from their pain and stress. That doesn't make it "fair" or enjoyable, of course, but depression is a complicated entity. If you don't feel you're up for the challenge - which is also okay, you have needs too - wish her the best and let her go.
rester Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) I don't mean any offense, but it sounds like you're being pushy, nosy, and intruding on her life quite a bit for a two month relationship. Is it typical for you and her to pop-in unannounced at each other's places? Because you've done that twice just recently and she hasn't been home. Some people don't appreciate the "pop-in" thing and actually take considerable offense to it. Assuming she is okay with that, I think you should let her know you're there for her if she needs you, but back off a bit. I understand it's difficult but stop trying to fix her. Your intentions are honorable but it doesn't work that way and it can be seen as added pressure and possibly even condescending to the recipient. Edited to add: why would you have to break up with her by text? Either be patient with her and let her deal with her issues for awhile or break up with her in person. She deserves that after two months, don't you think? Edited December 23, 2015 by rester
Author Ic1 Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 (edited) One last update. Going to her place to pick my things up, she offers me a beer and I chat with her a bit. (First time I see her in person for more than 15 minutes since her sad state started). Turns out she's being sexually harassed by a coworker, and was afraid to tell me because she was ashamed and afraid to report it. Explains so much. Told her I'm going to alert the company about sexual harassment events if she doesn't. I know she's telling me the truth. We talked about more than this for a few hours, and I certainly noticed her opening up to me again after revealing this. Still took my things from her place, but told her I'd stay with her if she could show more communication and tell me when things like this happen. Edited December 25, 2015 by Ic1
Author Ic1 Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 Bro, are you a man or a woman? Sheesh. You're exhibiting feminine behaviors. Let up. Go out and have fun and leave her to herself. Pushing and prodding isn't going to make her open up. Being a fun guy who can have fun regardless of her mood will draw her closer. She will open up when she wants to not when you want her to. To each their own. I know how I handled that was best. If I hadn't addressed our issues as I did and not asked her about her sudden change, she might've never revealed that to anyone. All of her close friends had noticed a change in her too, but none knew because of what cause. You don't know her, and I'm glad I stayed to thinking she's the woman she is. Because her actions didn't make sense. Btw, We did have fun during my time there tonight. She laughed and smiled many times. It wasn't all a depressing conversation.
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