dgiirl Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 <rant> My stbxh's birthday is coming up this weekend. And for the last two weeks I've been more emotional, and a lot more exhausted. I'm so tired. I feel like I havent slept, meanwhile I'm getting 9 hrs of sleep a night. I dont even know what I should do this weekend, send a greeting or not. I think I wont, but I feel very weird/guilty for not doing it. I pray that he just wakes up and realizes the way he's been treating me, and realize that he does love me. I was SOOO sure of it, and then this whole d bomb through me for a loop. I'm really really trying to get over him because there's not much else I can say to him. Everything that needed to be said was said, and I simply have to learn patience and at the same time, get on with my life. Everytime we talk, he's still cold to me. I think he's still angry with me, and I have no clue why he get's to be angry with me. He blames me for his unhappiness, and yet he never mentions to _anyone_ that he's unhappy. Why would he be angry? He's getting what he wants, out! </rant> I need suggestions for getting through this weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Having a closure is always tough, sweetie. I have some suggestions for you. First of all, don't send any greating card or present or email or text. Nothing. This is respecting NC. You need to do that, dgiirl, for yourself. Plus he's angry at you anyway, so it's not like he's appreciative or anything. Second: don't stay home all alone. Spend the weekend with your friends, go visit someone out of town, go to your parents house, anything to keep your mind off this. Dgiirl, he's out of your life. That's what he wants. So maybe it's time you move on with yours too. Standing around and waiting for him to change his mind is one sure way to being miserable! So move on. See movies, organize picknicks, go the zoo, interact with animals... I think you'll be fine. Simply decide to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Curly's advice is good (apart from the bit about interacting with the animals - my personal advice is to stay out of the lion enclosure!). He's angry, so doesn't want to hear from you. Your absence on this significant day may make him reflect - I did nothing for Juliet Mk I's birthday last week, now she's suddenly back in contact and all over me. Go figure Do stuff for yourself - have fun, take time with friends and family, do some self-improvement. And remember that this too shall pass Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Hey, you two, be strong! PM eachother if that helps! Curly P.S. Lions are nice, don't be mean to them! They're the kings of the animals! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Having a closure is always tough, sweetie. I have some suggestions for you. First of all, don't send any greating card or present or email or text. Nothing. This is respecting NC. You need to do that, dgiirl, for yourself. Plus he's angry at you anyway, so it's not like he's appreciative or anything. Thanks hun! This actually makes sense. Gives me more confidence in keeping to NC, which I know I need to do for myself. I feel so much better sticking to NC. Dgiirl, he's out of your life. That's what he wants. So maybe it's time you move on with yours too. Standing around and waiting for him to change his mind is one sure way to being miserable! I hear that! I need to let this sink into my head. I am having a "life". I've got more of a social life than I have ever living 8 years with my husband. Just these stupid emotions keep coming back. And I dont have things to do 24/7. Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Curly's advice is good (apart from the bit about interacting with the animals - my personal advice is to stay out of the lion enclosure!). lol Yah I'll stay away from the lions Maybe I can push my stbxh in there? I did nothing for Juliet Mk I's birthday last week, now she's suddenly back in contact and all over me. Go figure Interesting. How are you acting towards her? I guess my only chance now is to maintain NC and if he misses me he'll want to come back, otherwise, I'm getting on with my life and healing myself. I dont think he can miss me since we're still in contact about the legalities of the d. And remember that this too shall pass I need to let this sink in too. Thanks guys for letting me rant and giving me the advice I needed I just feel like I relapsed the last two weeks, back to square one where I'm crying and screaming in private. I cant believe 4 months has passed. This roller coaster sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Interesting. How are you acting towards her? I guess my only chance now is to maintain NC and if he misses me he'll want to come back, otherwise, I'm getting on with my life and healing myself. I dont think he can miss me since we're still in contact about the legalities of the d. Friendly, but mixed messages. This follows a year of NC. Thanks guys for letting me rant and giving me the advice I needed I just feel like I relapsed the last two weeks, back to square one where I'm crying and screaming in private. I cant believe 4 months has passed. This roller coaster sucks! It happens. That's what we're here for Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Friendly, but mixed messages. This follows a year of NC. A year? Damn!!! I guess if 4 months has already gone, 8 more should be easy to accomplish I hope things work out in your favour! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl A year? Damn!!! I guess if 4 months has already gone, 8 more should be easy to accomplish I hope things work out in your favour! There are no guarantees. And you should note that, ironically, I don't think I want her back. I haven't firmly decided yet, but I think it's gonna be the "you're a really nice girl and I want you as a FRIEND" speech Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo There are no guarantees. And you should note that, ironically, I don't think I want her back. I haven't firmly decided yet, but I think it's gonna be the "you're a really nice girl and I want you as a FRIEND" speech Yeah I realize that. But I can honestly say I've done everything in my power to let him know how I feel without losing my dignity. I dont think I could possibly be friends with him. We have no kids, there's no need to stay in contact. It's all or nothing. I've got plenty of friends And I also know what you mean about wanting them back too. I think I'm just grieving the dream of what I wanted my marriage to be, and not what my marriage was. I never felt good about myself and was suffering from anxiety, and got very angry about it. I didnt realize what was going on, but I tried my best in making things work. Now that he's gone, the anxiety has decreased, and I actually recognize my old self. I feel guilty for my part in the breakdown of the relationship, and I regret everything that's happen. I wish I could turn back the clocks because I really do believe he loved me. I never had a relationship so complicated, where certain things he was absolutely wrong in and I dont want him back, and other's I was wrong in, and I want him back. lol I'm just trying to learn the lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl I dont think I could possibly be friends with him. It's all or nothing. I've got plenty of friends Fair enough. You may feel differently in a couple of years' time though. Don't make decisions for the future if you don't have to. Once the bitterness and sadness is over, exes offer a unique perspective. And I also know what you mean about wanting them back too. I think I'm just grieving the dream of what I wanted my marriage to be, and not what my marriage was. Reality bites I'm just trying to learn the lessons. Good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Fair enough. You may feel differently in a couple of years' time though. Don't make decisions for the future if you don't have to. Once the bitterness and sadness is over, exes offer a unique perspective. You're right. I'm still bitter, and I'd be content never speaking to him again. Right now he's hurt me so bad, that I cant even think about remaining in contact with him. It's just one thing _HE_ said he wanted our relationship to become. Where he's happily married, I'm happily married and we stay in contact, but it all depends on how I feel about it. He got this idea from one of his friends who did it. It's like he's using it to justify leaving the relationship. He does all these "noble" things and it makes me feel guilty. But I've definitely not told him any of these decisions, and I'm playing it by ear. Maybe in time, when I do find happiness again, it can work. I've never remained in contact with an ex, and I would hate anyone i'm in a relationship with to remain in contact with theirs. I'm very black and white, and it's hard to be a little gray. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Personally, unless years of NC passed and you feel 0 attraction to your ex, grey is a very bad idea!!! You don't want grey, believe me! Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen_Angel Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Sounds like your ex is unwilling to take any blame himself, so he's projecting it on whomever he pleases. How rude. I agree with Curly. There's no sense in acknowledging his birthday if he won't appreciate it. Why waste the effort? You could put that time to much better use! I think it is important to keep yourself busy all the time, but of course that's not always possible. Don't beat yourself up if you feel as though you're having a relapse. That's the stage I'm in right now. I tell myself the pain has lessened a little (minute!) bit, since some time has passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Personally, unless years of NC passed and you feel 0 attraction to your ex, grey is a very bad idea!!! You don't want grey, believe me! I agree totally. That's why right now, it's all or nothing. But I wont go out of my way (or try not to), to tell him that. I'll try not to burn any bridges, but I wont be holding my breath either. I will do everything that I need to do, move, get a job, go out with friends, and if the time comes where I meet someone special, I will go out. I hope so atleast. Originally posted by Fallen_Angel Sounds like your ex is unwilling to take any blame himself, so he's projecting it on whomever he pleases. How rude. He tells other people one thing, and me a completely different thing. He's all noble saying "we just grew apart". Meanwhile, the night he left he gave me a huge guilt trip on everything, and never once appologized. Meanwhile, I have this huge speech he gave me replaying in my head over and over during the emotional times. I'm left with all these questions on if he really did love me, or used me, or what not. 8 years then have someone just walk out of your life, that's pretty messed up. I think it is important to keep yourself busy all the time, but of course that's not always possible. Don't beat yourself up if you feel as though you're having a relapse. That's the stage I'm in right now. I tell myself the pain has lessened a little (minute!) bit, since some time has passed. The pain has lessened. I was doing really really well, and I guess I'm recovering faster from the downs. How long is this going to last? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl The pain has lessened. I was doing really really well, and I guess I'm recovering faster from the downs. How long is this going to last? Difficult to tell, since it depends on so many factors - how long you were together, how far you went in your mind, how messed up you feel now. An interesting comment I heard is that you need at least a year - gives you time to celebrate all the major dates/anniversaries without them. Whatever the exact timing, the important thing is that the trend from one month to the next continues to be upward. Even if you have bad days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Difficult to tell, since it depends on so many factors - how long you were together, how far you went in your mind, how messed up you feel now. An interesting comment I heard is that you need at least a year - gives you time to celebrate all the major dates/anniversaries without them. Married 8, and I think I pretty much went as far into my mind as possible. I greived my marriage, but I also greived childhood experiences. I dont feel so messed up right now. I'm still crying on a daily basis, but nowhere near what I was doing before. Ah, now a year makes sense! That's the first thing everyone told me too. I was like, I'm NOT going to be in this pain for a year, and so I actively got up every single day, took a shower, got dressed, and went to work. Whatever the exact timing, the important thing is that the trend from one month to the next continues to be upward. Even if you have bad days. Yeah, that is happening so far. We'll see how well I do when I actually move. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Married 8, and I think I pretty much went as far into my mind as possible. I greived my marriage, but I also greived childhood experiences. I dont feel so messed up right now. I'm still crying on a daily basis, but nowhere near what I was doing before. I'm so sorry. That *is* as far as you can go. It's perfectly natural for you to still be crying every day. And to be reliving childhood experiences - this is normal in your situation. I'm glad things are getting a little better though. Link to post Share on other sites
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