Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Yes, unfortunately it is very addictive It is also why battered or abused women (and men) often go back to their abuser. The feeling without their abuser feels worse than being abused or hit. It unfortunately has a lot to do with hormones and a new normal your body has to get used to. You have to go through it. But you can do it!
Fleur de cactus Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You are missing the person you thought he was, but he is not a good person for you. He may come back soon or later, but if he shows up, don,t cave in. Just mourn the relationship and move on because nothing good will come from him. He will stick around to make you emotionally miserable. He is taking time to train you to get used to this type of relationship, where he will make no commitment and you cannot question him. He probably wants you to want him so that he will tell you, " it is you who wanted me, who initiated it, and so on. He does not like responsibilities and this is why he continues to move back and forth from ex to new girlfriend to and another ex and so on. Try to heal and move on. 2
Author Cappycorny Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 You are missing the person you thought he was, but he is not a good person for you. He may come back soon or later, but if he shows up, don,t cave in. Just mourn the relationship and move on because nothing good will come from him. He will stick around to make you emotionally miserable. He is taking time to train you to get used to this type of relationship, where he will make no commitment and you cannot question him. He probably wants you to want him so that he will tell you, " it is you who wanted me, who initiated it, and so on. He does not like responsibilities and this is why he continues to move back and forth from ex to new girlfriend to and another ex and so on. Try to heal and move on. That's sort of exactly what was happening. I noticed everything was on his terms. I was learning to adjust to him not being avaiable and emotionally absent. I don't think I've ever encountered such a thing before. I've examined why I was conforming and it was mostly due to me finding him incredibly sexually attractive. In my first post here I explained how we meet and seriously it was by mistake. I asked him for directions because he was the only one around. When he got up close to me I was like well gosh darn look at this guy. I'm not even the type to do that much. His appearance and this eye connection we had going on clouded my rational thought. I did not plan to go find him again he then came to me. But then I threw in the final straw when I gave him my email. Was floored when he wrote. Seemed to want to know all about me and see me often. Then backed away but made sure to score first. Makes me sick to think I'd even fall for it all.
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 This thread prompted me to do some Facebook digging. I feel like **** now. I discovered my one is still with the one he dropped me for. I can see from Facebook there would seem to be some overlap ....there always is, these guys hedge their bets. I feel so bad now. Why am i never good enough to be the gf?
Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I feel so bad now. Why am i never good enough to be the gf? Because you let *******s make you think such questions. Somehow women almost always go for the *******.
Author Cappycorny Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 This thread prompted me to do some Facebook digging. I feel like **** now. I discovered my one is still with the one he dropped me for. I can see from Facebook there would seem to be some overlap ....there always is, these guys hedge their bets. I feel so bad now. Why am i never good enough to be the gf? You know what? It's not that you are not good enough. He is not good enough for you. I think we need to try and remember that.
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You know what? It's not that you are not good enough. He is not good enough for you. I think we need to try and remember that. This woman is good enough to make his gf. I'm not good enough. To be honest if I had discovered he was single that would have been worse. It would have meant he was alone but didn't come back and contact me. i guess if they break up......he might look me up
Blanco Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 This woman is good enough to make his gf. I'm not good enough. To be honest if I had discovered he was single that would have been worse. It would have meant he was alone but didn't come back and contact me. i guess if they break up......he might look me up Surely you can see how this mindset is part of what's keeping you stuck, correct?
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Surely you can see how this mindset is part of what's keeping you stuck, correct? Yes. Because he's done it before. But i dont know why i wasn't taken seriously. I never met his friends or anyone. We had a great time together, laughed, good humor, great sex but i was strung along. Why wasnt i made his gf.
Blanco Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You can (and probably have) theorized the "why" over and over in your head, but the cut and dry answer is: It doesn't really matter. One person not wanting a relationship with you doesn't make you defective or unlovable. Rejection sucks, but everyone experiences it. The majority of us probably came to this forum because we were rejected in some fashion. Reflection about an expired relationship is critical in the wake of a breakup. We cannot learn and grow from it otherwise. There comes a point, though, where the introspection needs to stop and we must be satisfied with what we've extracted from our examination. That's tough. I speak from experience, both then and now. And yet, I know this to be true. We have to learn from our past to alter our future. At the same time, we can't tie up so much of who we are or what our worth is inside this dead relationship. That gives undeserved power to someone who has already shown that they aren't worthy of even a fraction of that. I suspect you know most of this already, which probably makes it all the more frustrating to feel yourself chronically slipping back and doing stuff like you did yesterday. You had to know nothing positive would come of your sleuthing. Regardless of what was to be found. A visible girl means he's dating and ostensibly happy. No visible girl and he's single but not deeming you worthy of contacting to break his solitude. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm prone to this self-destructive behavior, myself, which is why I've had my ex deleted and blocked from all social media since I found out she was with someone else. I don't need the temptation. I even went into an old alternative FB account and blocked her just so I wouldn't have temptation there. It's strange not knowing what she's up to, but I already know that it's better to be in the dark, no matter how discombobulated I feel about all of this some days. 1
Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Why wasnt i made his gf. Because he knew you were deserving better than him. He probably sensed something that scared him: real love. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) You can (and probably have) theorized the "why" over and over in your head, but the cut and dry answer is: It doesn't really matter. One person not wanting a relationship with you doesn't make you defective or unlovable. Rejection sucks, but everyone experiences it. The majority of us probably came to this forum because we were rejected in some fashion. Reflection about an expired relationship is critical in the wake of a breakup. We cannot learn and grow from it otherwise. There comes a point, though, where the introspection needs to stop and we must be satisfied with what we've extracted from our examination. That's tough. I speak from experience, both then and now. And yet, I know this to be true. We have to learn from our past to alter our future. At the same time, we can't tie up so much of who we are or what our worth is inside this dead relationship. That gives undeserved power to someone who has already shown that they aren't worthy of even a fraction of that. I suspect you know most of this already, which probably makes it all the more frustrating to feel yourself chronically slipping back and doing stuff like you did yesterday. You had to know nothing positive would come of your sleuthing. Regardless of what was to be found. A visible girl means he's dating and ostensibly happy. No visible girl and he's single but not deeming you worthy of contacting to break his solitude. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm prone to this self-destructive behavior, myself, which is why I've had my ex deleted and blocked from all social media since I found out she was with someone else. I don't need the temptation. I even went into an old alternative FB account and blocked her just so I wouldn't have temptation there. It's strange not knowing what she's up to, but I already know that it's better to be in the dark, no matter how discombobulated I feel about all of this some days. I write about two different exes on here which sometimes I think are confused. The facebook thread with the dad is about ex 1. I NEVER want to see him again. He hurt me so badly. Ex 1 is gone never coming back, fine by me. The stuff on here is about ex 2. He behaves badly and has a history of cheating and using and he has come back many times to see me again and give me hope for the future by doing just enough to make me think there will be more. So the reason why I got so hung up is that it may not be the end of it. He uses women in between relationships. So if he gets dumped, he may come back. I know how terrible it sounds but I feel really unloveable as I cant even get the douchebag guys to stay. I know this guy is no good. I cant explain how I feel about it. I know it is crazy. I know the why doesnt matter, but to me it does. We were good together, chemistry off the scale, similar wicked senses of humor, I made him laugh loads and him the same. We had similar things going on in life which we talked with each other about. I miss my friend, Edited December 21, 2015 by Amelie1980
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Because he knew you were deserving better than him. He probably sensed something that scared him: real love. I wish I believed that xx
Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I wish I believed that xx You know, we all have things we need to work on. I think this might be much closer to the truth than you think. Not that he knows that conscientiously, but perhaps deep down.
Wewon Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Obviously what ever this was between the guy and I, let's call it friends with benefits, why do I want to contact an idiot? Someone said in my other thread I walked into a propeller. They could not have said it any better. However, I walked in fully aware and that scares me even more. Miss the contact and the chance for incredible sex with him. Feel like an idiot too. Not a psychologist, but my guess is that you have some unfinished business from your past. Did one of your parents, siblings or someone else close to you (and with influence) have a toxic personality?
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Not a psychologist, but my guess is that you have some unfinished business from your past. Did one of your parents, siblings or someone else close to you (and with influence) have a toxic personality? I dont know about the OP but my family are toxic. And I would give anything to see mine again.
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) You know, we all have things we need to work on. I think this might be much closer to the truth than you think. Not that he knows that conscientiously, but perhaps deep down. I dont know what you mean by that? Also he has plenty to work on, his cheating, lying, perverted behavior. Edited December 21, 2015 by Amelie1980
Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I dont know what you mean by that? Also he has plenty to work on, his cheating, lying, perverted behavior. It is an estimated guess by me the way you write about yourself and your exes in these and other threads. He does sound like someone who is externalizing things. Real intimacy for such people is often scary.
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 It is an estimated guess by me the way you write about yourself and your exes in these and other threads. He does sound like someone who is externalizing things. Real intimacy for such people is often scary. I still dont follow?
Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I still dont follow? There is almost nobody on this earth who wouldn't be helped with some therapy and we all have our blind spots that we constantly need to work on. Cheaters and people who lie often are the ones who blame others for their own faults. That is because looking at themselves or communicating is a bridge to far. Real intimacy demands authenticity and openness. The fact that he searched it elsewhere can tell you that despite the things you might have to work on yourself, he is the real handicapped person here. His new girl got no prize with him or perhaps she is of the same calibre. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 There is almost nobody on this earth who wouldn't be helped with some therapy and we all have our blind spots that we constantly need to work on. Cheaters and people who lie often are the ones who blame others for their own faults. That is because looking at themselves or communicating is a bridge to far. Real intimacy demands authenticity and openness. The fact that he searched it elsewhere can tell you that despite the things you might have to work on yourself, he is the real handicapped person here. His new girl got no prize with him or perhaps she is of the same calibre. This is true. I called him out on his behavior once. Only time i ever did it. He pouted and sulked, and acted like the victim when he was the one who had done wrong. He hasnt ever really been faithful I think. What has occurred to me is that I thought he was only like this with me and treated others better. But hes cheated on real GFs so he behaved badly too. In blaming myself....do i really think he only behaves this way with me and no one else? I am the only one he singled out for poor treatment? THe behavior is too extreme to be limited to me. It is just who he is.
Itspointless Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 In blaming myself....do i really think he only behaves this way with me and no one else? I am the only one he singled out for poor treatment? THe behavior is too extreme to be limited to me. It is just who he is. Now it is on you to find out why you so strongly blame yourself? It probably is connected to why you were a target for him. 2
Amelie1980 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Now it is on you to find out why you so strongly blame yourself? It probably is connected to why you were a target for him. I blame myself for everything. Posting on this thread prompted me to look him up and I still feel like **** from what I saw.
Author Cappycorny Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 I blame myself for everything. Posting on this thread prompted me to look him up and I still feel like **** from what I saw. Oh no! Don't go there. We are better then men like this. They are toxic and this is all toxic behavior hence the name of my thread. Now I need to take my own stinking advice because stupid me what do I do? I text him this. " I don't know? Hope your ok? Really what is wrong with me??? I'm so mad at myself for doing that. I doubt I'll get a reply and really do I want one? Gotta think this sort of stuff that's not good for us is not good for a reason! Darn it.
Author Cappycorny Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 Now it is on you to find out why you so strongly blame yourself? It probably is connected to why you were a target for him. I need to hear this. Thank you. 1
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