Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Okay. Like the topic title says, I have a traumatic past. I'm 30 now. I've been in one relationship, for about two years, ending last January. My mom was verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. I also had health issues as a kid, and my dad was a functional alcoholic who worked a lot and was neglectful (though he did the best he could and was great in a lot of ways). Because of the home environment, I also surrounded myself with friends who were constantly mean to me. I developed a form of PTSD and also feel significantly less than human. Like I don't look good enough to talk to or consider attractive girls. Etc. That is changing. I don't have a good awareness of what I look like and probably have a form of body dysmorphic disorder, but a lot of people who I trust tell me I am handsome, have good features and symmetry/proportions, and have "nothing to worry about." Whatever that means. I'm not trying to get the most beautiful girls out there. An old coworker invited me to her birthday party. I went and had fun, but felt very socially awkward, but probably did a manageable job and seemed normal. At one point, I started talking with a girl (friend of the birthday girl) who seemed really cool. We had what I considered a great conversation. She said she doesn't really go out that much, among other things... I don't know. She then proposed we go into the bar from the patio, so we did, and I saw one of the other guys in the group and started talking to him, and she left. She came back and made a comment about getting complimented by a random guy. She did not seem to focus on me at all throughout the rest of the night. I just have no idea how to touch a girl, to make it clear I like her, and not feel dirty. It's so ****ed up. The people, the guys and the girls there, did not think they were SO much better than me. They were all guys and girls just trying to have fun and to live a good life, with their own insecurities and issues in life. But unfortunately I did not grow up around people like that. One of the girls at the end that I barely knew was pretty insistent on hugging me goodbye while I waved to everyone else. I don't know what any of it means, if it means anything. I just can't live life like I have been anymore. I need good connection. I don't know if anyone can relate. So much in my life - work, how I use my free time, etc - would become a lot healthier if I were able to work this bundle of repressed, twisted energy out inside of me. Should I text the birthday friend and say I had fun, and appreciated hanging out with everyone? Otherwise I might never get invited again. Should I just be ballsy, and add the girl on Facebook and send her a message? I dunno Edited December 20, 2015 by Sunyata
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You don't need a good connection you need a good therapist. Finding a girl to touch isn't going to solve any of your issues. You can't possibly be ready for a relationship with a nice girl until you clear up your mental baggage. 1
Author Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 You don't need a good connection you need a good therapist. Finding a girl to touch isn't going to solve any of your issues. You can't possibly be ready for a relationship with a nice girl until you clear up your mental baggage. Well, I may have finally found a good one... and I've had some good groups I'm apart of. But it's hard for me, because just talking it through or doing some sort of EMDR or something isn't going to fix me. I learn - and heal - a LOT by throwing myself into situations, especially with people. I could say that I even learned a good deal about myself last night.
Hopeful30 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I can relate my friend. I had an extremely abusive past. My mom f*cked me up pretty bad, and almost at 30 I'm still working my a$$ off to get better (and after all this hard work I've only covered the tip of the iceberg). To answer your specific questions, there is no harm in showing gratitude (great party, thank you for the invitation!). If people don't appreciate your gratitude, it's on them, not you. Sending a harmless message is always welcome. As for the deeper issues, I would recommend therapy and marijuana. Judge me all you want, but after I started toking, that's when my mind opened up and I realized how many issues I have. And only after THAT did my relationships improve, because I was no longer cluttered with my traumatic mind, and I could see things more clearly (thus making better choices in life in general). You've already made the biggest step -- realizing that you have been bruised by your past, and realizing you need to heal and work on yourself. Place most of your energy on yourself, and the rest will become easier as well Hang in there bud, you got this 2
carhill Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 An old coworker invited me to her birthday party. I went and had fun, but felt very socially awkward, but probably did a manageable job and seemed normal. At one point, I started talking with a girl (friend of the birthday girl) who seemed really cool. We had what I considered a great conversation. She said she doesn't really go out that much, among other things... I don't know. She then proposed we go into the bar from the patio, so we did, and I saw one of the other guys in the group and started talking to him, and she left. She came back and made a comment about getting complimented by a random guy. She did not seem to focus on me at all throughout the rest of the night. Consider talking to the young lady as a success and resolve, next time, if receiving a proposal to continue that conversation in a more private area, to accept, presuming you want to. One step, and success, at a time. 2
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 All therapists and therapy is NOT the same. That is why I say, if it isn't working for you, you find another therapist that will offer alternatives. if you needed surgery but didn't a doctor could handle it, would you operate on yourself? I'm no stranger to mental illness and I know one of the symptoms is denial. You are here to talk through it right? It would be more beneficial to you to talk through it with a professional, not a bunch of strangers on the internet. We can give you support but we can't solve your issues. 1
Author Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Thanks. I appreciate your feedback and am sorry you are going through a similar process. I smoked marijuana semi-frequently in college and I do think it helped a lot. It made me a lot more self-aware, and also put me in touch with what I'd call a spiritual dimension. I've struggled a lot with building my sense of self. Sometimes external things - like a bad work environment - held me back. But I feel like I'm making good progress now. It's hard. I want nothing more than that feeling of holding a girl in my arms. It makes me nervous system feel so amazing. And I hate that every year I'm getting older, and I'm missing out on more good experiences.
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Putting yourself out there is a good start.
Author Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Do you think it would be non-creepy if I found her in my friend's Facebook friend's lists, and added her with a message that I enjoyed talking to her?
carhill Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Should I text the birthday friend and say I had fun, and appreciated hanging out with everyone? Otherwise I might never get invited again. If invitations are that precarious, I wouldn't worry about it. In any event, the place to thank them is when you leave, you approach the host and/or hostess and thank them for a wonderful evening and wish the person a happy birthday, etc, etc. Should I just be ballsy, and add the girl on Facebook and send her a message? I dunnoI'm a timing kinda guy and IMO the time came and went. This is especially true if young. However, nothing ventured I guess. I'd pass on the social media stuff though. Keep things personal and accept the answer. Edited December 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I think you should be asking about this to your friend. They know you and this girl....we don't.
Author Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) If invitations are that precarious, I wouldn't worry about it. In any event, the place to thank them is when you leave, you approach the host and/or hostess and thank them for a wonderful evening and wish the person a happy birthday, etc, etc. I'm a timing kinda guy and IMO the time came and went. This is especially true if young. However, nothing ventured I guess. I'd pass on the social media stuff though. Keep things personal and accept the answer. Dang. The girl seems really cool. I did thank the birthday girl at the end of last night, then sent her another text today. She apologized for not saying goodbye last night, even though she definitely did. So she must have thought I was only texting because we never said goodbyes. Edited December 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I think you should be asking about this to your friend. They know you and this girl....we don't. This^^^^^ :bunny:
carhill Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 If you have the ability to contact the girl privately, and wish to do so, do that. If the birthday girl knew this other guest, and you don't have her contact info, that's a likely source. In any event, you've identified some aspects to work on for the next time such an encounter happens. If you find a lady attractive and she's in your space, grow that. I'd wager that most of my friends who are now grandparents met their spouses exactly that way. The key is going with it. Feel more, think less.
Glass Hut Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Story of my life, make a connection with a girl and she shows interest, I don't know it until the next day and wake up traumatized that I missed a really good opportunity. 1
Author Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 I don't know if she showed interest. We just had a good conversation. She was getting hit on a lot by randoms at the bar. Who knows. It's progress to just take these chances and try to reconnect with them I guess. I dunno.
doulostojc Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I'm sorry to hear about your traumatic past - must have been very painful dealing with family and friends who did not treat you the way you should have been treated. I'm glad to hear that you got an invite to that birthday party though! That probably means that you act well enough in social settings that the birthday girl thought to invite you to her party. I can be quite socially awkward too, but I think more exposure to social situations will eventually make you more comfortable and you can observe how others interact socially to learn how to act in a socially acceptable way. One way that I have gotten better socializing is going to church every week - usually someone is kind enough to talk to me and incorporate me into a conversation with others. Getting that type of exposure every weekend has helped me tremendously in interactions with co-workers, strangers etc. Maybe you can consider church and other kinds of social settings to get practice so that when you are interested in a girl, you would be more comfortable striking up a casual conversation. I will be praying for you!
Author Sunyata Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 I'm sorry to hear about your traumatic past - must have been very painful dealing with family and friends who did not treat you the way you should have been treated. I'm glad to hear that you got an invite to that birthday party though! That probably means that you act well enough in social settings that the birthday girl thought to invite you to her party. I can be quite socially awkward too, but I think more exposure to social situations will eventually make you more comfortable and you can observe how others interact socially to learn how to act in a socially acceptable way. One way that I have gotten better socializing is going to church every week - usually someone is kind enough to talk to me and incorporate me into a conversation with others. Getting that type of exposure every weekend has helped me tremendously in interactions with co-workers, strangers etc. Maybe you can consider church and other kinds of social settings to get practice so that when you are interested in a girl, you would be more comfortable striking up a casual conversation. I will be praying for you! Thanks! I will look for outlets. I am not all that religious. We will see. I need to decide whether to add her on Facebook... it gave me so much anxiety I'm going to be late picking a friend up to go to Star Wars. Maybe I'll send it tomorrow!
Recommended Posts