I'm stuckblokes wife

June 1, 2005

hello people

not sure how many of you will know this story -I'm stuckblokes wife. As those of you who are supporting him will be aware he told me about his affair on Friday. Today is Wednesday and I feel like I'm going to explode. Evert new detail I find twists my gut further and I feel like I'm on a continuous wave of fear, dissapointment, uninmaginable hurt, self hatred and dispair. Every now and again I seem to rise to the surfae of the wave and I gulp some fresh air but it quickly goes again and I'm left feeling more insecure than before.

finding out that your life partner of 10 years has been acting out his sexual fantasies with a student who is 15 years younger than him with it seems little emotional maturity and a seemingly perfect figure is bad enough but after reading his thread and realising why I've never felt truly comfortable with hiim physically (becasue he's never liked my body) and then remembering how he has treated me since december when his affair started I feel so hurt and angry. But at the same time I'm doing everything I can to please him and I feel SUCH a desperate fool.

since he rejected me a week before christmas he has abandoned me.he ignored me, stopped supporting me, rejected me emotionally, physically and sexually, told me horrible untruths about me and behaved as if he hated me. While this has been going on I continually asked him if there was someone else and he denied it. If he had told me when I initially asked him, a week into their affair it would have been much easier. He has told me as you guys will know that he didn't love me anymore, he didn't want me and recently todl me he hated me. his whole outlook on me became black and polarised

while this has been going on for the passed 6 months I have been keeping our home, our son, and my business together pretty much single handedly while he has been in la la land with a young girl, who I now feel I will never be able to match up to. He has taken her away on a holiday with money that I was saving to fix our roof and he promised me he was going alone and refused to let us come. I had to give him the money becasue he said he would use a credit card. he had her in our house when I was in NY working and he has written her poetry, had baths with her, made her Cd's and performed sex acts with her that I he always said he couldn't do for me because he didn't like them.

all of behaviour makes sense now that I know he was having an affair - but I sked him so many times and I wish he'd told me sooner, the way he did it has stripped me down to my very core, I have been preparing to be a single parent for the passed 4 months and just when I felt I was finding a different strength, he told me all this and I found this site and found all of those things he had said to you guys - details I never wanted to know and the realisation that our marriage is a sham.

all I want is to feel special again, just for a second. And knowing that he did those special things for her and he has NEVER done them for me makes me wonder why I have let him come back. yesterday I held him for nearly an hour while he cried as he was grieving for the other woman. he's still not here for me in the way I need him and can't move emotionally. while I know I need to be patient I think why should I.

he's spent hours on this forum and researching how to overcome infidelity yet still wont say that he wants me back, he loves me, or that he wants this to work. yet somehow he's back in our house, back in our bed and he's got what he wanted. he's still got her and thier sex on some kind of unrealistic pedastil. And while she occupies that space, I feel we have no chance.

of course I realise that he wasnt having sex with someone who was paying bills with him or washing his clothes or raising his son, so how could there be any baggage to get in the way - they had no bickering about who puts the rubbish out, who does the washing up and what to spend money on and they were never so tired from work and life together (because they didn't share that reality, because I dealt with all his tiredness and moodiness and she has no real life responsibilities yet because she's so young!) and so they didn't reject each other in bed. How do I come back from that?

I'm so humiliated, our failure is public, and I feel like a washed up fat old woman, I'm only 29 and I'm only a clothes size 12-14uk (8-10 US) so I know it's not true but I feel so ugly. I don;t know where to go from here. It's our sons 5th birthday today and tomorrow there is a big party with all of our friends and I dont know how I'm going to get through it. and I'm breaking my heart as I'm writing this.there are tears on the keyboard. I feel so pathetic.

June 1, 2005

welshie, I know you are going through what has to be one of the most painful moments of your life right now. But please don't think of yourself as pathetic. You are human, and I guarantee every person on this board who has been betrayed by a cheating spouse knows exactly how you feel. A lot of people here have been in your place.

I can't offer any advice that will take away your pain. I'm sorry. No one has that power. Only time can do that for you. But how can it be pathetic to be faithful, and devoted even when things are bad? That makes you a strong person, not pathetic.

Use that strength. Your son will need you. You can get through this, and you will come out stronger and a better person.

June 1, 2005

I'm so sorry. I haven't been following stuckbloke's story, but your position sounds awful. I understand why you'd cry. Infidelity is a very painful thing to bear - especially in your circumstances.

Some random observations which may help:

Many people are very unselfaware in their feelings. If they feel a certain way now, they can tell a story which makes this sound like it has always been so. But I seriously doubt that your marriage has been a sham all these years. I suspect this is just him speaking from his midlife crisis.

You're 29 and have had children. You don't have a teenage body anymore. If you make this the sole category of comparison with this girl, of course you are going to lose - all of us look a little less buff with every passing year. But you have other strengths - emotional maturity, shared experience and being the mother of his children. Check out the married man/other woman threads here - 10-15 years age gap is typical, yet 90% of the time mm's choose to go back to their wife. You're right - the affair is a fantasy, with no practicalities or the reality of normal life intruding.

Final point: don't take him back without conditions. It sounds like he isn't emotionally back with you yet. Maybe he shouldn't be living with you right now?

June 1, 2005

Please do not put yourself down. Just because your H has said some very mean things does not mean they are true. He is not a very truthful man, to say the least. Plenty of men have had affairs and still not treated their wives with such disrespect and hurt them with such nasty words. Sounds to me like his is having a mid life crisis and has behaved like a fool.

For me the sexual part of this affair would be the least of my concerns. His bringing her into your home where you and your son live, taking her on vacations, and saying all the crappy things he said to you would be the deciding factor on really taking this person back into my life again. YOu say he has never liked your body? Sounds like this hurtful behavior came a long well before the affair did. Why would it change after?

I would get some emotional support, see someone. Get strong and decide if he is really worth having in your life. Im not trying to be negative. A marriage is a marriage, especially when a child is involved. But a marriage takes two, not just one. How can one possibly be happy when their self esteem is always being bruised by the one they love?

June 1, 2005

You saw some really hurtful things when you read stuckbloke's thread.

I have to say....when my husband had his EA (emotional affair), I saw a divorce lawyer for less than half of what you've been through. I'm very glad in retrospect that my husband and I were able to repair the marriage, and currently.....we're happier than we've ever been.

I think that the universal impulse for BS's (betrayed spouses) is to "fix" it. Sometimes that means committing to reconciliation; sometimes it means ending the marriage altogether. But as I told stuckbloke, "act in haste, repent at leisure".

He's currently unable to commit himself to the reparation of the relationship. Believe me, you don't want him to, not until he's out of the "fog". Because as long as he's living in that fog where history and truth are re-written to allow for justification of the affair-behavior, he's NOT the person you knew....and he's no one you can trust. He's a WH (wayward husband), and still "under-the-influence" for as long as it takes him to break through the OW addiction.

It will be extremely beneficial for you right now to accept the FACT that OW is NOTHING SPECIAL. The addiction to her stems from within stuckbloke. It's a chemical reaction to the dopamine release in his brain...the rush he gets from thoughts of the object of his infatuation. It's all very exciting and very addicting. Hence, the term "withdrawal".

This is NOT about you.....It never was. While it's true that there is room for improvement in every marriage, you didn't make this decision for him. It was his choice to step outside the marriage. And having done so, he's trapped in a mire of his own making.....and forced to deal with both the psychological and the physiological effects of it.

Now, you'll have your own emotional response to deal with as well. It'll be the rollercoaster ride of your life! That's why it's important for you to also withhold "promises you can't keep", until you know your own mind on it. You'll be up and down for awhile. One minute wanting to work it out, and the next...wanting to KICK him out.

Take some deep breaths, and consider holding off on making your own decision for awhile.... until you really know what's going to be best for YOU.

(more later....)

June 1, 2005

Hi welshie -

Just went back and read through stuckbloke's thread. And your post. And my overwhelming sense is that you two are both in a lot of pain, much of which predates the marriage. And now you have a great big scoop of fresh affair pain melting down over it all...

And my second reaction is that the deal with taking the roof money and lying about it is somehow, to me, the nastiest thing your H did. THAT'S the thing that gets my fingers itching to get at him. HOWEVER...

...you BOTH have been longing for love and affection, and neither of you has given it to the other. Yes, you are the faithful wife who has been breadwinning, keeping the home fires burning, planning and scrimping for household repairs, caring for your son, and dealing with your own pain, hurt and anger. You are in a hell of marital agony and feelings of personal failure and worthlessness right now. It doesn't seem right to do anything more than cyberhug you and cry with you. And yet, this marriage has been severely wounded by the failure of its members to be radically honest with each other. Your husband was NOT honest with you when he wordlessly let your waves of rage wash over him and push him away from you, the wife he chose. (BTW, I honestly don't buy any of the "never loved you" stuff. He loved you enough to marry you.)

So I want to be part of breaking that pattern of holding in the necessary truths that can provide the only path to truly being happy together. You have faced enough lions and tigers in the past few days...one more can't hurt...so face up to your own role in this marriage, and what your marriage felt like to your husband. (You already know what it felt like to you.) Would you advise a close friend to stay in the marriage that your H experienced?

I'm wishing the best for both you and stuckbloke. I have deep sympathy and compassion for those who suffer as you have. Be strong, and please keep posting. LS is absolutely here for you, a 24 hour pain talk line staffed by people who have been through hell and made it back to the land of the living.

June 1, 2005

while everyone I know is saying to sit these feelings out and not make any decisions- its so confusing.

michick -I pretty much am in the same frame of mind as you - the sex and even intimacy doesn't bother me as much as I know how much he must have been hurting to have considered doing this and I know how easily it is to get involved with other people, but one of his major complaints is about sex, so I can;t get away from his 'ultimate fantasy woman/activities' that he's been through with this girl.

we talked and cried so much over the passed 3 days and I we/ve been realising so much about our relationship and how we haven't met each others emotional needs. I didn't even realise there was such a thing as an emotional affair and I fear that I may have had affairs without realising it by looking to male friends for affirmation (which I'm really upset about) and I see that my husband has been looking to his addictions to try and meet his.

We started our relationship in a relatively normal fashion but very soon into our courtship we gave up sex, as my husband was already a Christian and I became a Christian within 6 months of meeting him. So sex does have a big part to play in this unfortunately.there's so much psychological stuff to sieve through about sex and relationships when Christianity is involved and I think we lost sight of what we like how we behave and learning to listen to one another in that area .

there are many issues as in every marriage/relationship that need to be sorted out, and I feel fairly confident that if we wanted to we could, there's so much help available.But I also realise that unless he can come out of the 'fog' and see me again and unless I can deal with the rejection we can't even begin to learn to trust one another again. we're trying for 6 months.

the reason I'm so confused is I can't see how we can try if he's still caught up with her.it seems like we're trying to fail so we might as well not bother. and while my rationality knows that we need time and I probably won;t feel like this in 2, 3, 5 months, his feelings for her seem so powerful and so life changing for him that I don't know if he will ever feel differently

I'm fairly pragmatic in the sense that I can see that our marriage was in trouble and had been for a long time, he had an affair, we're trying to see if it can work. fine ok, but none of my feelings tie in with this and I'm just watching this man who used to admire so much for his strength of character and sense of 'marriage' pine after a girl who I can never and will never be.

so all the questions of, should we have even got married, have we always had a disfunctional relationship, are we so much less compatible that we thought, why bother etc etc are at the forefront. and even though it's probably a good thing that we've finally realised all of the things that haven't been working in our relationship and many of the baggage/circumstantional reasons why...honestly I hate it.

June 1, 2005

I'm very sorry for your pain and I hope posting here helps you.

Please read DazednConfused thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

It is long, but worth reading every word he wrote. I think you will be able to identify with what he went through with his wife who cheated on him last year.

And Thumbingmyway's thread is another one I think would definately give you insight. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57894/

Hope this helps and don't be afraid to talk to your husband. Get it all out, no matter what it is. I suggest he does the same thing.

June 1, 2005

thank you solemate - you posted while I was writing my last reply. I do so realise how much I had hurt him before - to the point that I've worked really hard since christmas to deal with my anger and sort out my issues, and I've changed the way in which I speak to him completely. In February the realisation hit me and I was heartbroken. I knelt on the floor in front of him and said sorry and asked him to forgive me. Of course I didn;t know he was already in love with someone else by then.

I have absolutely no problem with accepting my responsibility for the mess that our relationship was in up until christmas when he told me he wanted to leave. Unfortunately since christmas the bag has to land firmly at his feet.

we've had 4 marriage counselling sessions where I was going along under the illusion of trying to find new and more positive communication tools and perhaps to unpack why we both behave the way we do, but he only just revealed why we couldnt do any work to move forward in the last session we had.

part of the reason I'm so confused is that I love him and see him in so much pain - and I know I'm the cause of some of that, and I'm completely open to change and learning and to working things through, but at the same time he's behaved so selfishly and lied so much, how do I even know if I can trust him again, how do I ever know if he's telling the truth and will I ever feel loved by him again?

June 1, 2005

I personally don't think he's "inlove" with her. He's addicted to the feelings that she brought out in him - That isn't love. You are his wife, the day in and day out routine, reliable and there, mother to his children. This OW brought excitement in, that new and crush-like infactution, but it's not love.

You guys have a history. You KNOW him, she doesn't. You are a beautiful person, please don't allow him to make you feel bad about yourself. I know that is easier said than done. I hope you get some therapy one on one for yourself to gain self confidence and also you can have somebody to talk to about your feelings and how to cope.

I really hope together, with Marriage Councilling, you both can work through this.

June 1, 2005

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would like to suggest the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I believe the book will help you understand why he had the affair and will lovingly guide you to a resolution. Time is the only thing that can heal your wounds. I wish there was an easier, faster way.

The book will guide you and as long as you have the intestinal fortitude to follow the guidelines, you WILL come to one resolution or another and get your life back together....with or without him.

Best of luck to you.

June 1, 2005

guys I understand that this isn't a chat room - i feel a bit intimidated about posting on here now.I've had a really bad day today and I can really do without chit chat about which acronyms mean what , can't you do that in private- it seems as though you're trivialising what I'm going through by using my thread to do this.

I feel foolish and stupid enough as it is without other people making fun of me because I don't understand your shortcuts.

June 1, 2005

Originally posted by welshie
guys I understand that this isn't a chat room - i feel a bit intimidated about posting on here now.I've had a really bad day today and I can really do without chit chat about which acronyms mean what , can't you do that in private- it seems as though you're trivialising what I'm going through by using my thread to do this.

I feel foolish and stupid enough as it is without other people making fun of me because I don't understand your shortcuts.

Don't feel intimidated. It's like trying to talk in a crowded room at a party. Just yell over everyone else. People get carried away on here. But there's still good advice, I promise.

June 2, 2005

Originally posted by welshie
I feel foolish and stupid enough as it is without other people making fun of me because I don't understand your shortcuts.

Sorry. It wasn't meant like that.

We are paying attention - we just get distracted sometimes. I didn't know some of the shortcuts, either.

June 2, 2005

I dont know how to deal with the details - I'm a musician, I run a record label and I write music and teach singing. I found the play list yesterday of the music he put on a cd compilation for her - all my fave songs were on there, and even the title track from the first release from my record label. I feel like no stone has been unturned. every single part of my life has been tainted by his actions.

music is so deeply intense and personal for me. I've always been a musician, always had a deep connection with songs and lyrics - and while I relaise he does too and he's allowed that I'm SO hurt by this detail as it's SO UTTTERLY personal to me.

I made him delete the whole play list from his i pod and from his computer, but will I ever be able to listen to those songs again? I can't see the way out at the moment.

how do I cope with all the parts of my life that have been touched by this - nothing can stay the same can it.

and he never made a cd or tape for me...

June 2, 2005

Welshie,

I wouldn't say he's in love with her, it's an infactuation. What he's done is not right by any stretch of the imagination. This has been happening for the past 5 months, but before this how was he treating you? You two have 10 years together. One day he will wake up. It'll be the day that those two get into a big fight about something. Remember they are not only 15 years apart but she is also his student. He could lose his job for that, at least here in the US you could.

As hard as this may sound you need to get out of this pity stage. I'm not saying this to be cruel or mean, I'm saying it because while you are in this stage nothing will get accomplished. It's not going to affect him. He's not going to look at you in the daminsil in distress. Yes, I know it hurts but you need to pull yourself out of this and become attractive again not only to him but yourself.

My suggestion would be to write a heart felt letter and give it to him personally. In this letter gush as much as you want, but at the end of it tell him you realize we have both made mistakes in this relationship and that if he wants to work on it now is the time to do it, otherwise as hard as it may be, you must move on. Otherwise I am afraid this can be a circle of hope & hurt.

Trust me, this puppy dog love he has for her will wear off. I don't know the way you two treated each other in the past but anytime one takes another for granted for a long period of time and doesn't truly listen to their partner they run a high risk of losing them. They tend to forget why they fell in love with them in the first place and all the good they possess. It becomes more of 'What can you do for me' instead of 'What can we do for each other' like it was when a couple first becomes initimate with each other.

Remember to take care of yourself, free up your mind some. Don't dwell on all the little things he's done for her. Apparently he's hurt and he's trying to heal his wounds with someone else. That won't work however, and he will realize that someday. Continue counseling even if it's for yourself. Also look up the '5 stages of grief' it will tell you what you are about to experience in the next few months. At least you can prepare yourself for the emotions you are about to go through. And don't feel embrassed about posting on here, unfortunetly alot of the stories we read on here are about relationships that are in trouble. Your among friends.

June 2, 2005

Wish I could edit my previous post. I just read and responded to your husband. Don't give him the ultamatium. Instead abide by his wishes. Even though you are very upset and hurt, show your love by allowing him to feel whatever it is. That is what love is about.

June 2, 2005

I';m trying really hard - but it;'s so difficult when I know the details about their sex, his love/infatuation what ever for her, and all of the special things that mean so much to me that he has done for her.

I'm feeling very rejected and scared at the moment - as well as hurt and angry. How do I cope with this?

while our marriage clearly has been disfuntional his behaviour towards me since christmas has stripped me bare.he abandoned me in pretty much every sense of the word and while he was treating me absolutely horribly I held our family together and did his laundry and housekeeping. I'm know he would admit to that.

I asked and askled if he was seeing someone various times over the passed 6 months and he said no. even in marriage couselling he said no until the 4 th session.

I've been comforting him when he cries over her, and listening and taking everything he's been saying about how much he misses her and what an amazing time he had with her etc etc. HOW DO I COPE WITH THAT!

somehow I need to crawl back and find myself through all of this. neither of us knows what the future holds and while we are talking and being as honest as we can about where we are at this is so hard.

we both feel very depressed and upset but I feel like he has to do something to make it up to me, i still feel like his wrong was more - because of this affair - am I wrong for thinking and feeling like this?

June 2, 2005

You should not be his therapist, and he should not be telling you how much he misses her, etc.. You don't need to hear that.

I believe you need individual counseling as well. It's natural to feel the way you are right now. You don't know what the future holds and it is scary. However in the end things will all work out, rely on God (if you believe in him) and talk to him in a non-agrumentive way. If the discussion starts to get heated just leave for a while. Sounds like he has treated you badly and he felt the same way for quite a bit of the time. What he did WAS wrong and it's going to take a long time to get over this.

He was wrong for having the affair, however as it being MORE wrong? Well what can he do to make it up to you? Honestly? Probably nothing really. You have to try to understand WHY he did it, not the fact that he did do it. Don't torture yourself mentally by going over what he did for her. He has made the choice to stop seeing her and wants the chance to regain those feelings for you again. Take this opportunity and do as much as you can with it.

Right now you are in the anger stage, like I said look up the 5 stages of grief. It's natural to feel depressed about this, but if you feel suicidal please see a doctor. Like I told him you both have your son in common. That's something to start back up with. Right now you are both pretty wounded, however that doesn't mean you can't recover from it. Take it day by day, and if that's even too hard right now take it hour by hour. Don't worry about the future, just cross each bridge as you come to it.

June 2, 2005

Sorry all, but I'm gonna say kick the guy to the curb. This is BS!!!! He doesn't deserve this woman.....he's the one who strayed outside the marriage, he's the one not getting over the other woman......he needs his balls cut off and sent to the poor house.

I know that's harsh.....but come on......this is one of those times that I think infidelity should be punishable by DEATH! (I believ it still is in Iraq).

Welshie, everyone on here will tell you that I'm 100% for marriage and working on marriage to stay together in most situations. But yours is different......it's time for you to move on hun.

June 2, 2005

Originally posted by Moose
Sorry all, but I'm gonna say kick the guy to the curb. This is BS!!!! He doesn't deserve this woman.....he's the one who strayed outside the marriage, he's the one not getting over the other woman......he needs his balls cut off and sent to the poor house.

I know that's harsh.....but come on......this is one of those times that I think infidelity should be punishable by DEATH! (I believ it still is in Iraq).

Welshie, everyone on here will tell you that I'm 100% for marriage and working on marriage to stay together in most situations. But yours is different......it's time for you to move on hun.

That is heavy - Moose never advises divorce. But honestly I think it takes one supremely selfish, insensitive man to cry about his ex-lover to his wife. Jesus. Like the whole situation isn't sickening enough. That sucks.

Anyways I wish you the best, and hope for a positive resolution for you.

June 2, 2005

I know this is over simplifying things, particularly since all the emotions you are experiencing right now are very real. But if you could look past them just briefly enough to ask yourself: "What would I truly be missing if this man were out of my life that I haven't already been deprived of?" More importantly, how can you "miss" what you never had?

What would your answer be? … and this is a rhetorical question, one that you do not need to answer on an open forum.

In the end, you'll have to figure out what's more conducive to Welshie's future happiness and well-being. Obviously, you seem to be the only one in this marriage capable of taking care of your own needs (as well as everyone else's).

If the relationship is worth it, work on it. If not, cut loose the dead weight. You have more power and control over your life than you even realize.

June 2, 2005

Originally posted by Moose
Sorry all, but I'm gonna say kick the guy to the curb. This is BS!!!! He doesn't deserve this woman.....he's the one who strayed outside the marriage, he's the one not getting over the other woman......he needs his balls cut off and sent to the poor house.

I know that's harsh.....but come on......this is one of those times that I think infidelity should be punishable by DEATH! (I believ it still is in Iraq).

Welshie, everyone on here will tell you that I'm 100% for marriage and working on marriage to stay together in most situations. But yours is different......it's time for you to move on hun.

I'm with you, Moose. I have very little tolerance for infidelity. You should be able to communicate with your SO before you go off the deep end indulging in extra-marital affairs.

June 2, 2005

Moose & OC I would have to disagree with you here. This is HER decision. Even a counselor or a therpist would never tell you either to divorce or fix things. All they can do is help you better understand why things happened and let you come to your own conclusion.

She still loves him, even though what he has done is morally wrong and against their vows. She's not asking if she should leave him, she's asking for support. Personally to me that's not giving support.

You might have had bad experiences in the past and you might have a slanted view on things, however each couple is different. What is a deal breaker & divorce for one couple, might be something different for another.

I agree you should explore all avenues before going off the deep end but the damage has been done. They have both made mistakes in this marriage and both are hurting now however I don't believe you should encourage them to end it based on your own morals judgements. That is for them alone to come to a decision.

June 2, 2005

Give me a break Jmargel........please! It's not our moral values prompting us to advise her to leave.......it's the simple, almost unbelievable whining and crying this man is doing over this other woman......to HIS WIFE!

If you can't see that this is highly unusual, highly unhealthy, and highly unforgivable......then you may need the counceling. This is NOT acceptable by any stretch of the imagination.

It would be like your SO walking up to you crying her eyes out because she screwed a well hung man, now she wants more......and she keeps hounding you about it day and night......would you put up with that?

There are boundaries.....this guy went WAY over on all of them.

You should watch what you assume jmargel.......my Christian morals may have a little play into this.....but most of it is COMMON SENSE!

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