Codependency

[Chronotrgr]

Currently on day 16 NC.

 

Hi guys, I'm quite curious to hear others experiences on the issue of being a codependent.

 

This is an issue I'm currently struggling with, no matter how I look back on my relationship, I can see no other explanation for sticking around as long as I did through the emotional distress her words and actions where causing me.

 

I would force myself to forgive her for everything, no matter what it was, I would frequently put my dignity and pride on the back burner, my confidence faded a long time a go through doing this, I just never stood long enough to be able to make it clear to her that her behaviour was unacceptable because I would fold.

 

I tried breaking away from her in the past when she started prioritising me less and less, I felt like a broken record at that point "why won't you spend time with me? That's all I want, why is that so hard?", the situation only got worse from there and in hindsight I should have left before I was left behind completely.

 

What always stopped me is what I'm struggling with now, constant panic and anxiety creeping up on me, living with that horrible sinking feeling every single day, even though her attitude was hot/cold, it snapped me out of it every time she gave an inch, and inevitably I would fold, forgive her and be with her knowing all the while the cycle would eventually repeat it self again.

 

She has given me breadcrumbs ever since going no contact, it's took every ounce of my strength to look the other way, the problem is, I still feel codependent, I don't know how long I can keep that up before repeating the cycle again, I know she won't change, not even a little bit, this is why she puts the breadcrumbs out there, she would never fight for me like you or I or many of us here at LS have done for our exes.

 

It sounds cliche but how do you remain strong?, how do you eradicate that neediness within yourself that draws you back in? I don't want to go back, I know what's in store for me if I ever did, it's hard trying to better myself in certain ways, most people go to the gym, but I have cycled every day for as long as I can remember and I seim at least twice a week, so I'm already in pretty decent shape.

 

I could really use some input on this and experience on this.

[casey.lives]

All i can say, is that breaking up has always been hard to do.. that's why you should enter a relationship with caution. Attraction and compatibility NEED to coincide with values.

[Quest]

Self esteem is really the best answer to codependency. When you're in a codependent relationship, you are dependent on the approval of someone else for your own happiness. If, however, you love and approve of yourself it doesn't matter what someone else does and says - you won't stick around if you are not treated with love, care and respect and you won't go back into relationships in which you were not treated well.

[Downtown]

Hi guys, I'm quite curious to hear others experiences on the issue of being a codependent.

Chrono, the most popular book on the subject is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Her view is that "codependents" are controlling people who have a strong desire to control other people. My view, however, is that Beattie confuses the desire to be needed and to help with the desire to control.

 

This confusion largely arises because there is no definition of "codependency" that is generally accepted by the psychiatric community. Instead, there are many factions having differing views about it. There is no agreement that codependency even constitutes a disorder or dysfunctional behavior. That's why it is not defined in the APA's Diagnostic Manual (DSM-5).

 

Indeed, it is not even mentioned in the DSM-5. Nor is it defined in the diagnostic manual of the World Health Organization (ICD-10), i.e., the manual used in Europe and many other countries. Moreover, as long as most religions view self-sacrifice as the only clear path to heaven -- and nations heavily rely on the self-sacrifice of young adults during wartime -- there is little chance of excessive caregiving being included in the list of mental disorders.

 

Significantly, the members of the world's largest association devoted to codependency -- i.e., CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) -- have not agreed on how to define it. That's why CoDA provides no definition of it at their website. Instead, they simply provide a grocery list of over 70 traits that includes everything but the kitchen sink. Those traits are listed in CoDA's pamphlet called Patterns of Codependence.

 

Granted, that term is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. That definition, however, does not support Beatti's view of codependents as being very controlling people. On the contrary, Merriam-Webster says that codependents rely on others to control THEM. Specifically, it defines codependency to be:

a psychological condition or a relationship in which

a person is controlled or manipulated by another

who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin);

broadly

:

dependence on the needs of or control by another

Similarly, my experience is that most folks who have lived with a BPDer for many years are not controlling people. Rather, they are excessive caregivers who keep helping others even when it is to their great detriment to do so.

 

I therefore like the simple definition that codependency occurs when one's own happiness is overly dependent on the happiness of another person. And I like Shari Schreiber's definition of it as occurring when a person's desire to be needed (for what he can do) far exceeds his desire to be loved (for the person he already is). Yet, due to the contentiousness associated with this term, I generally try to avoid the controversy by instead using the term, "excessive caregiver."

[NopeNah]

I read this article and the part about the "noise" stands out to me...

 

Seven Ways to Stop Missing Your Toxic Ex -

[artnoveau]

To be honest: the only reason it is over between me and my ex, is because it escalated too much.

He has a commitment problem and I was codependent and would either always take him back or beg him to come back or just find a way to keep going.

He once said, that we could do this forever: being with each other, always hurting each other and ending up as broken people.

But the last fight was just too much. He had started seeing someone else and I freaked out. I showed him how vulnerable I was and how dependent I was and it scared him off big time. He hasn't talked to me since and I know that after this he will never take me back.

So I guess my situation might not be the same as yours, but I have managed to keep myself from contacting him, because I know that there is no hope left for us.

Maybe you can find a way to kill your hope too.

In the end of the relationship I started acting on how I felt: I got more demanding, asking for a weekend trip, because that is what I would have wanted in a good relationship. I showed when I was hurt and I got angry when he treated me badly.

Before I had done everything to be uncomplicated and to keep him, hoping that he might one day feel the same.

But he would never have.

So every time I think about writing to him I think of all the things I would want in a real relationship - trips, good sex, christmas presents, good night messages and eventually kids and an engagement ring - and I instantly remember that I will never get that from him.

And I also think about the pain and all the times he treated me badly and how awful I felt. And its worse than the pain I'm going through now, so I prefer what I have now.

 

On the other hand I try not to notice how time goes by. I feel a bit broken and can't move on and I'm scared of being alone. So I ignore calenders, I bury myself in work and on the weekends I watch stupid TV series to forget about my life. My flat looks like a mess, because I can't stand the idea of something sorted and clean, when I'm so messed up.

And I guess that's okay for now.

 

I also have little "projects", but not too demanding ones.

I'm trying to loose weight, so I'm doing more sports and I started doing coloring for adults. I don't suggest you do the same, but doing stuff with your hands helps. And finding tiny things that give you the feeling of achievement.

 

And the last thing is that I go on here and read and write when I feel like I can't stand it.

[carhill]

I could really use some input on this and experience on this.

 

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

 

Would you support this as a reasonable definition of the word?

 

Would you apply this definition to a majority or substantial minority of your interpersonal relationships?

[NopeNah]

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

 

Would you support this as a reasonable definition of the word?

 

Would you apply this definition to a majority or substantial minority of your interpersonal relationships?

I would add that both party's could be dependant ,or feed off of each other,as I've seen in my past. Which creates the 'rinse and repeat' cycle. If one of the two were of right mind,there would only be an end...no do overs.

[carhill]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201307/are-you-in-codependent-relationship

 

"Helpers prone to codependent relationships often find intimacy in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helpers are often dependent on the other’s poor functioning to satisfy emotional needs such as the need to feel needed, and the need to keep the other close due to fears of abandonment.

 

Feeling competent (relative to the other) also boosts the low self-esteem of some helpers. In the codependent relationship, the other’s dependence on the helper is also profound. The other is bound to the helper because the helper’s lengthy aid has impeded their maturity, life skills, or confidence, or enabled their addiction, or poor mental or physical health, making them dependent on the helper’s assistance. Their poor functioning brings them needed love, care, and concern from the helper, further reducing their motivation to change.

 

Due to their below average functioning, these others may have few relationships as close as their relationship with the helper. This makes them highly dependent on the helper to satisfy many of the needs met by close relationships (such as the need to matter to someone and the need for care). It is this high degree of mutual, unhealthy dependence on the part of both the helper and the other that makes the relationship “codependent” and resistant to change.

 

While it’s true that some dysfunctional helping relationships are indeed codependent, and it’s also true that codependence may arise from some of your personality traits, be cautious in your adoption of the co-dependent moniker. Or at least don’t wave it around like a flag of fate (“I’m codependent and I can’t help myself because that’s just what I do!”). And keep in mind that dysfunctional helping is complex. It’s motivated by a variety of factors and shouldn’t be reduced to simple notions of codependence"

 

 

=========

 

 

OP, one choice you can make is to resolve that women, in general, are not damsels in distress who need rescuing from the tower of the evil king and that your love and care are earned, over long shared experience, by them treating you in a loving and caring manner. Yeah, I know a hoover can come in a pleasing package but it's still a vacuum that'll suck the life right out of you. The only person you can control, for sure, is yourself. NC affords time to reflect. It'll work out.

[2mehappiness]

OP: First off I want to applaud u for sticking to NC. Being a codependent and sticking to NC is no easy task. I was also a codependent...I had no idea what that terminology meant until a month ago. I realized I have always been a codependent. For me, it was easier to jump into a new relationship or stay in an unhealthy relationship rather than risking being alone. I have finally figured out why I wasnt happy with myself and am working towards being content and happy (goal).

 

What has helped me? Whenever I miss him, i would read Melody Beattie's book, dependency no more. I think it helped me remember that I wasnt happy in my relationship. I was tired of the cold/hot treatment. I was tired of not being placed in priority. I was tired of doubting myself thinking that I wasnt good enough. I was tired of not knowing where I stood in the relationship. I was tired of walking on eggshells. It became very tiring and mentally draining and I don't want to do it. I reminded myself I am worthy and I want a person who can reciprocate what I am giving.

 

Due to the breakup, I lost my pride and broke down in front of my friends and family. Because I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I reconnected with old friends and became closer to my family. I love listening to Kelly Clarkson's song "what doesnt kill u makes u stronger" when im feeling blah because its so true! I keep myself busy by playing sports and mingling with people. It's a great feeling when your body releases endorphins and when you look good, you will feel good . Im starting to paint and read more because I find it relaxing. I am going back to school to follow through with something that I have always wanted to do. I find that having small and long term goals really helped me.

 

Focus on yourself OP. You can become your next project. Remember to be kind to yourself because you have made huge progress. When you are happy and healthy, you will only attract positive people in your life who can reciprocate what you give to them. As corny as it sounds, time really helps. The first month for me was terrible. My brain would tell me to move on, but my heart would play a different tune. I constantly think about him, but the frequency decreases with each passing day. Im happy to say that it has almost been 2 months and I am pretty happy for the most part. There is something liberating when you are on you own and you do not need to answer to anyone. Stay strong!

 

Artnoveau: If you are reading this, I want you to know that I am proud of your progress.

[Chronotrgr]

Thank you guys for the amazingly detailed replies and I truly appreciate those who posted their personal experiences, it helps beyond belief to know I am not alone in this boat, I feel your pain and I relate to it.

 

Reading through all these posts I've started discovering things that have had me crying buckets, I had to look far back to the past to really analyse myself and where the codependency began but thinking back has put a lot in to perspective for me.

 

A very long time a go, I was in love with a wonderful girl, truly she was someone I shared the best times of my life with and the worst... I can't describe in words exactly what it was that she meant to me, but certainly more than anyone ever has, even to this day.

 

Somewhere down the line she got involved in the wrong crowd, she was a pot smoker when I met her and that was just a part of her I accepted, back in those days even I enjoyed the occasional fatty here and there, but with this new crowd, she got in to the hard stuff, she changed almost overnight, I was always running around after her when she got in to trouble, eventually drugs killed her, I found her in her apartment ko'd, later in hospital she passed away after multiple heart attacks.

 

I think since that point I have become stuck in the pattern I was in back then, I can't explain exactly how it ties in to the relationships I was in after this happened, but I can honestly say I never had problems putting down relationships before this.

 

Back in 2013 my dad died in a similar way, I actually wouldn't leave the house for almost a year after he passed away, I was very close to my dad in recent years, we would meet up every week, we would play online games with each other on our psps, I had barely seen him my whole life before 2010.

 

I think deep down in my subconscious I have been seeking something from my past relationships.

 

Anybody care to shed a light on this?.

[Quest]

 

I think deep down in my subconscious I have been seeking something from my past relationships.

 

Anybody care to shed a light on this?.

 

IME, what I was seeking was self acceptance and approval, which I lacked because of difficulties in childhood - parents 'absent' or 'disapproving' because of their own problems. It took a long time to unravel this, and a lot of effort. But it is was worth it to find out why I kept going into, and staying in, relationships which were ultimately not providing me what I needed. If you don't have self esteem you are really dependent on the approval of others and will stick around hoping to get it, even when your self esteem is being eroded even further by bad treatment. It sets up a cycle of reducing your self esteem even more and therefore making you stick around in worse and worse situations.

[Downtown]

I think deep down in my subconscious I have been seeking something from my past relationships. Anybody care to shed a light on this?.

Chrono, Shari Schreiber offers an explanation of how we got to be excessive caregivers during our childhoods -- usually due to a parent relying too heavily on us to meet emotional needs that the other parent would not provide. The result, she argues, is that we grow up too quickly, becoming the "little fixer" and "little man" of the family. Her blog article is at Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?

[cupcakebunny]

I have similar issues - I ended the relationship as well and was devastated despite the fact that overall the relationship was incredibly toxic -- especially from his side.

 

 

I was sure and actually pretty ok with my decision -- I got a bit sentimental when packing up some things he had bought me during good times -- but other than it was fine. After few weeks of living alone, I was devastated. Though I know a lot of it was part of the normal grieving process, my thoughts were mostly "Why am I doing this? I will be alone and we had a good life together. He had a good job and with that we were able to have a lot of freedom. It wasn't so bad. I know I never felt this bad. I know if I tried harder it would be better." The last part I know was a lie. I broke NC for a bit and we talked a little and I would be so happy because for the first time in 5 years he was actually giving me consideration and kindness that I needed. It was really hard and I needed to have a friend sort of "tough love" me. And I realized that a lot of it was that I was just looking for validation and care. That I was using him to make myself feel better about myself instead of saying "Ok you can be on your own. You can be successful on your own. And make yourself happy." And I reinstated NC.

 

 

And I realized I do it for everything. Even friendships -- I would chase after friends that put little to no effort in. The more they drew back, the more emotions and support I poured in and at the obvious detriment to my self-esteem and overall well being.

 

 

I think the first big change for me was admitting this and just repeating 'Only you can make yourself happy.'(I know it's cheesy but a lot of self-affirmation did help). Then I sat down and set up career goals and have begun pouring energy into bettering that aspect of my life. I started forcing myself to go out with friends that I had abandoned during my relationship -- that's the hardest because I was actively having to fight my desire to just bolt when my anxiety was spiralling. And it has worked. I get invited out more to be with friends. I'm meeting new people. And I'm actually having fun. I'm feeling more like myself -- the me before I started dating this guy. I know the hardest part is when you're alone -- and that is tough -- what I did was that I sort was pouring time into taking care of my finances. Something that I could control. Something that would make my life better. Something that I did for myself and could feel like a success. No matter how small. That did help.

[artnoveau]

Chronotrgr, it sounds like you have been through a lot.

Those two experiences might be the reason you end up in problematic relationships now.

And I guess you know that yourself, on some level.

 

It is very normal to be disturbed by those two deaths. I guess you might even feel some kind of surviver's guilt or like life is unpredictable now.

What ever you feel: it is factoring into what you do right now and probably will do in future relationships. So you should acknowledge that and take that into account when you make decisions.

 

I am irrationally scared of losing people and being alone, because I have experienced that. So when I feel I'm about to lose someone I get all irrational and emotional and do stupid stuff. Or end up with guys who are bound to leave me (like I'm setting up a self fulfilling prophecy) - and sticking with them, because I am scared to be alone.

So I decided to make a list of things I want and don't from a relationship - when I'm not in one yet, because this way I can still be rational and uncompromising.

I think this way I might finally be able to keep myself from making the same mistakes.

Not everything on this list will become true, but it will set boundaries for what is not supposed to happen.

 

So maybe you can do something similar: figure out how you feel about losing those people and how it factors into how you felt in the relationships you had after.

This way you can counter act some of your emotions, maybe anticipate them.

Its never gonna be all ratio - emotions are powerful.

But knowing your emotions and why you have them helps controlling them.

 

And being a psychology student I can tell you that one way of emotional regulation - according to behavioral therapy - is to select the situations you get into - so try to get yourself into a good situation with a good girl. It will make it easier to deal with everything else.

 

And the good thing is - it probably only takes one good experience to outweigh the really terrible ones you have made.

So sit down, think of what you truly believe would make a happy relationship and go look for that.

(Once you are ready.)

 

And maybe also find a forum where people write that deal with loss. It might sound scary, but in my experience it sometimes helps dealing with another problem other than the one that troubles me this moment. And I'm sure they have helpful tips.

 

2mehappiness: Thank you! It is good to hear from you and so good to make someone proud. Your kind words always make me feel happy.

And I'm doing much better. I just have to get through the holidays.

I hope you are doing well too.

Edited December 22, 2015 by artnoveau

[Jane_Tee_11]

IME, what I was seeking was self acceptance and approval, which I lacked because of difficulties in childhood - parents 'absent' or 'disapproving' because of their own problems. It took a long time to unravel this, and a lot of effort. But it is was worth it to find out why I kept going into, and staying in, relationships which were ultimately not providing me what I needed. If you don't have self esteem you are really dependent on the approval of others and will stick around hoping to get it, even when your self esteem is being eroded even further by bad treatment. It sets up a cycle of reducing your self esteem even more and therefore making you stick around in worse and worse situations.

 

 

Yep. This is me, 100%. Mentally, I get it. I recently got involved with someone that showed a big red flag immediately (what some call "love bombing") where he couldn't get enough of me and wanted to plan our lives out and pushed, and pushed, and pushed me to "drop my guard" and "just give us a chance". Within days to weeks he was ignoring me and reconciling with his ex. When I told him I wish he would have just been honest with me, he pinned everything back on me.

 

 

I recognize what I am going through. My head gets it that this guy is bad news. However, my heart / soul / being aches for him. The reason why is I'm still seeking out that love and approval my father never gave me (he was present physically but emotionally unavailable and very, very critical and abusive). When I encounter a man that makes me feel loved and wanted and then pulls away from me I am hooked. I can see how it all works, I just wish I could let my logical, analytical brain take over the rest of me.... namely my emotions.

 

 

I really, really, burned the bridge with this guy. First I got upset and told him that he needed to own his part, then I shifted gears and told him that I cared about him and wanted him to be happy, even if that was with someone else. I told him that the only thing I asked of him was that he forgive me for my part of what happened between us, that I was remorseful for some of what I had said and done. I've gotten absolutely nothing back from him other than him blaming me more. At no point has he acknowledged his part, and at no point has he indicated that he hopes I am able to move on and find happiness too. Him refusing to show me even the most base level of human decency caused me to pathetically grovel even more. Ridiculous, yet I feel compelled to keep reaching out to him and being pathetic.

 

 

The crazy part is, I think I'd actually take him back if he came back. I'm wondering if on some level I am making myself so ridiculously pathetic to guarantee he will be repulsed by me and never want me back. In other words, am I being pathetic and groveling as a way of protecting myself in the future by guaranteeing he won't ever want me back?

 

 

As of today, I'm going to try to go a year without dating anyone. Not looking, not thinking about it, not wanting it, and making it clear to the world around me that I'm taking time off. I think I need this to build myself back up and cleanse my heart and soul instead of running around looking for temporary fixes that often lead to more confusion.

[Quest]

 

 

As of today, I'm going to try to go a year without dating anyone. Not looking, not thinking about it, not wanting it, and making it clear to the world around me that I'm taking time off. I think I need this to build myself back up and cleanse my heart and soul instead of running around looking for temporary fixes that often lead to more confusion.

 

Hi Jane. That sounds like a really good idea. You say you 'get it' intellectually and it sounds like you do! IME once you start to understand what's driving the, ultimately, self-destructive 'pattern' you're able to disengage from it, even if it's just with sheer will power at first. Eventually, the unhealthy stuff will start to be really unattractive because you'll value yourself more. A good counsellor/therapist can help, as can just reading lots on self esteem and building it up by doing things you really enjoy and make you feel good, plus good friendships. Good luck!

[Chronotrgr]

Thanks for all the insight guys, I've got a lot to think about until I completely understand why I act the way I do, I think I've found the source though which is enough for now.

[artnoveau]

Hello Chronotrgr,

I stumbled across your posts in the "post here instead of writing your ex"-thread.

I haven't really read them, as it might not be intended to be read, but I wanted to check in and hope you are doing okay today.

[Chronotrgr]

Hello Chronotrgr,

I stumbled across your posts in the "post here instead of writing your ex"-thread.

I haven't really read them, as it might not be intended to be read, but I wanted to check in and hope you are doing okay today.

 

Hi, it's really nice of you to check up on me I appreciate it, I don't mind you reading them, I think it makes me feel a little bit better when my feelings are on show, almost like s form of validation I didn't receive from the ex, Christmas has been rough, I've felt very on edge lately thinking back on my ex and thinking back on life in general throughout the years, I'm just kind of relieved to be able to admit to myself that I have a problem how're you holding up?

[artnoveau]

Hi, it's really nice of you to check up on me I appreciate it, I don't mind you reading them, I think it makes me feel a little bit better when my feelings are on show, almost like s form of validation I didn't receive from the ex, Christmas has been rough, I've felt very on edge lately thinking back on my ex and thinking back on life in general throughout the years, I'm just kind of relieved to be able to admit to myself that I have a problem how're you holding up?

 

I'm feeling a bit lonely.

Its my own fault, really, because I avoid doing things and seeing people.

I kind of feel like I can't change anything about my life.

But I guess once I have to go back to work and uni that will change.

I'm just scared of New Year's Eve. I used to spend it with my one ex, all cuddled up and what I thought of as happy.

[Chronotrgr]

I'm feeling a bit lonely.

Its my own fault, really, because I avoid doing things and seeing people.

I kind of feel like I can't change anything about my life.

But I guess once I have to go back to work and uni that will change.

I'm just scared of New Year's Eve. I used to spend it with my one ex, all cuddled up and what I thought of as happy.

 

I know that feeling, I've felt that way myself, I thought after living in a hectic household with the ex and her kid I would welcome the peace and quiet, it's harder to relax now than it ever was when I lived with her, I still spend time with money and I still force myself to do things vthay I need to do but every step outside the house at the moment is a painful one.

 

I think the holidays always hit the hardest for everyone, it only took a simple Merry Christmas from the ex to make it almost unbearable to get over Christmas day and boxing day, it didn't help that I bumped in to her the day before Christmas eve, as for new years, I just can't wait until it's over with so every day starts to feel like an ordinary day again, time seems to go by so slow at this time of the year, I can't help but feel displaced.

[cupcakebunny]

I know that feeling, I've felt that way myself, I thought after living in a hectic household with the ex and her kid I would welcome the peace and quiet, it's harder to relax now than it ever was when I lived with her, I still spend time with money and I still force myself to do things vthay I need to do but every step outside the house at the moment is a painful one.

 

I think the holidays always hit the hardest for everyone, it only took a simple Merry Christmas from the ex to make it almost unbearable to get over Christmas day and boxing day, it didn't help that I bumped in to her the day before Christmas eve, as for new years, I just can't wait until it's over with so every day starts to feel like an ordinary day again, time seems to go by so slow at this time of the year, I can't help but feel displaced.

 

 

This is always the worst. I was really miserable at Christmas as my ex and I grew up in the same town, so when we would go home to visit parents it was easy to split the holiday. It was weird not having him next to me at dinner. He used to make the holiday a bit easier. Like you, I thought it would be a relief to be done with all the terrible toxic issues but I just really really miss having that home we built sometimes. I got sick the day I had to travel home and it was sort of depressing going home alone.

 

 

Like I feel like I cut the life raft from the sinking ship, but I'm completely adrift with no direction. And I know that's not ok and that's like the hallmark of codependency. I'm using the relationship as a way to give me validation and direction...and not myself...but it still sucks. It's still hard.

[Draper]

That's a great way to put it, cupcake. I know exactly what you mean. In my brain, I know that i too cut the life raft from a sinking ship. I know it's better in the long run that i'm not involved with her. However, my heart isn't as logical as my brain and as you said, I now feel that I'm sort of floating in the ocean with land in sight and no idea what direction im going.

 

As for codependancy, Im guilty of it and maybe that contributed to why my relationship failed. I guess I needed validation because truthfully I don't have much confidence in myself as far as relationships and stuff goes. I let her walk all over me, forgave her for cheating - everything that someone who is truly happy with themselves would NOT do. I think it stems from my first serious relationship. I was crazy for the girl, but she was toxic - my friends tried to tell me and I eventually lost them as a result of that relationship. Eventually she cheated on me and left for some other dude. Before all the bad stuff in that relationship happened, I don't remember being as needy or desiring affection all the time.

 

I'm trying to work on it now, although I've got quite a road ahead of me. Found out today that my most recent ex is dating and living with the guy she cheated on. They moved in together just 2 months after we broke up. That doesn't exactly help a guy trying to get back on his feet and learn to be happy with himself, it fact it makes me feel pretty inadequate, but honestly I do know that it isn't my fault. I did everything I could for her.

[Chronotrgr]

This is always the worst. I was really miserable at Christmas as my ex and I grew up in the same town, so when we would go home to visit parents it was easy to split the holiday. It was weird not having him next to me at dinner. He used to make the holiday a bit easier. Like you, I thought it would be a relief to be done with all the terrible toxic issues but I just really really miss having that home we built sometimes. I got sick the day I had to travel home and it was sort of depressing going home alone.

 

 

Like I feel like I cut the life raft from the sinking ship, but I'm completely adrift with no direction. And I know that's not ok and that's like the hallmark of codependency. I'm using the relationship as a way to give me validation and direction...and not myself...but it still sucks. It's still hard.

 

I feel you there, my ex last Christmas didn't live too far out of town so it was easy enough to see people, I give up my house to her after I let her move in, so we only live a street away from eachother (I moved to my mothers temporarily) but she has stayed at family members through out the Christmas period and is still staying with family members until after the new year so I guess that's lucky for me to not have to bump in to her but unlucky in another way because sometimes knowing she is only a street away is comforting (sometimes).

 

I saw family members over Christmas but I was far from jolly, I just wanted to get out of there fast and breakdown crying without being seen, didn't help that I felt unwell Christmas day, I just wanted to run in to her arms and feel safe and content again, but that couldn't happen, so I just spent the rest of the day hauled up in the bedroom with the door locked feeling sorry for myself.

 

Unfortunately we probably won't ever find that validation with them, before I moved out I left a final letter to her, it was 7 pages long, I made sure to tell her everything she meant to me and I made sure to apologise for everything that I felt I had done wrong, I'd probably never wrote anything more heartfelt in my life, but I got no acknowledgement for it, she never mentioned it and she didn't return the favour by sharing her feelings, she remained silent and brushed it under the carpet.

 

Makes you wonder if it would literally kill them a little inside to give you a meaningful goodbye.

 

It makes me look back on one of my exes with a great deal of respect, when she broke up with me, she met up and did it to my face, she sat me down and told me what I meant to her and exactly how much it was crushing her to make the decision to end it, we both cried in each others arms and walked separate ways, that sounds heart breaking but because she gave me that closure I could move on and I did, pretty quickly.

 

I think the hardest part for a co dependent person to move on is moving on feeling like they mean nothing and are worth nothing because they are shown nothing by the person who left them, I was pretty co dependent back in those days with that ex I just mentioned but her words and actions eased my soul and allowed me to move on knowing that I meant something to her in the very least.