misty1114 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Hello everyone, I've been going out with a (23 yo) guy for the past 2.5 months now. We see each other about once a week and we keep in touch via texts in between dates (a few texts every 3-4 days). He takes forever to respond to my texts even when he's the one to initiate. He told me he's not seeing anyone else right now but we're not official yet. My gut feeling tells me he doesn't think of me as a priority yet. When he has exams in school, he wouldn't talk to me or maybe spares an hour to see me. He typically asks when I'm free but doesn't make plan to see me until the day before or the day of. Right now, he's home for the holiday (which is about 2 hours away) and we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks. He brought up the possibility of coming back in town during his break to check on his pets and if I'm around, he'd like to see me. I feel like if his pets weren't in the picture, he wouldn't come back at all. Am I over-thinking all of this or are these signs that I'm not a priority to him? Should I give it time or move on? When we're on dates, he treats me really well and he takes me out on actual dates. I've picked most of the places though. He typically asks me what I want to do and hasn't suggested much. He hasn't expected me to come to his place and I haven't met his friends or family yet.
frus69 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 How old are you? And why don't you tell him how you feel ?
Author misty1114 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 I'm 23 years old as well and I've teased him when he's not responding to my text promptly. I said something like "you didn't wanna continue talking to me" or something like that and he started replying a bit more promptly but is still unacceptably slow (like 1-3 hours). He's like this even when he's on break from school. I didn't know how to broach the topic without sounding desperate or nagging
bathtub-row Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I wouldn't bother talking to him about it because he'll just lie or deny or give you excuses as to why he does what he does. His actions tell you everything and that's really all you need to know. I wouldn't even bother breaking up with him. Just let it fizzle out. When he texts you, don't reply for a really long time, if at all. When he asks to see you, just tell him you're busy. If that doesn't get his attention, then you haven't lost anything. If it does get his attention and he asks you what's going on, then tell him. Let him know that you don't get the impression that you matter that much to him and you're not into guys who aren't into you. The truth is, behavior gets a man's attention way faster than talking ever will. If you jump every time he asks you out at the last minute, you're teaching him that what he does is ok with you. Start teaching him that it's actually not ok. 3
Hopeful30 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 That's a good question and not one I know how to answer. I think it depends on the relationship. In my experiences, I don't make the man a priority unless he makes me one. I mirror how serious he takes the relationship. IF, at some point, he takes the relationship to a level I'm not comfortable with, I speak up. So I suppose the question should be, do you want to be a priority so soon? If you do, then maybe you need to analyze your man and see if he's on the same page. Nothing wrong if he's not, it might just give you the information you need to find someone who IS on the same page.
Versacehottie Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I wouldn't bother talking to him about it because he'll just lie or deny or give you excuses as to why he does what he does. His actions tell you everything and that's really all you need to know. I wouldn't even bother breaking up with him. Just let it fizzle out. When he texts you, don't reply for a really long time, if at all. When he asks to see you, just tell him you're busy. If that doesn't get his attention, then you haven't lost anything. If it does get his attention and he asks you what's going on, then tell him. Let him know that you don't get the impression that you matter that much to him and you're not into guys who aren't into you. The truth is, behavior gets a man's attention way faster than talking ever will. If you jump every time he asks you out at the last minute, you're teaching him that what he does is ok with you. Start teaching him that it's actually not ok. I was going to use the same words that Hopeful30 did: you two are not on the same page. I think at this time of year, coupled with your ages you might need to give it a bit longer than a couple of months. In this case, I don't think a talk is the right thing. Pull back; show with your behavior that he needs to step it up. Don't be so agreeable and jump when he texts you or when he asks you out. Date others since you are not exclusive. Keep your mind on your friends and other hobbies. I think you are making yourself too available. Just an overall thought is if he is texting you first that's a good sign. I wouldn't worry so much that he doesn't figure out where to go on the dates. From what you said, I didn't take that as disinterest but rather a lack of experience or immaturity. But to be fair, it possibly could be that he doesn't put much effort into things, which could indicate that he's not ready for a relationship (whereas it sounds like you are) and maybe just as a personality is scattered and not a planner--this is something you will have to decide if you can live with, even if the rest of his behavior gets better--sometimes it's just who people are. 1
katiegrl Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Mirror his actions. If he takes three hours to respond, you take three hours. Next time he initiates, wait hours to reply or even a day. Let HIM wonder why you are not jumping like a puppy. I agree with bathtub-row, your actions will say way more than your talking about with him EVER will. You teach people how to treat you ....not with words, but by your actions. Edited December 20, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Why did you let this go on for so long? If you are not a priority after a few dates than drop him and move to next. His behavior is screaming he doesn't care to be bothered. Are you having sex? If yes than you're just a notch from being a booty call. I would not even text him. I'd move to next and when he calls I'd let him know I met someone else. 2
kendahke Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You're an option right now in his life, not a priority. (his pets are a responsibility that were in his life before he met you, so the comparison is really non sequitur) Has he spoken to you about how he feels about you yet? Generally speaking, by 2 1/2 months time, he should have some inkling that he wants you to become more than someone he contacts every 5 days and sees sporadically.
katiegrl Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone, I've been going out with a (23 yo) guy for the past 2.5 months now. We see each other about once a week and we keep in touch via texts in between dates (a few texts every 3-4 days). He takes forever to respond to my texts even when he's the one to initiate. He told me he's not seeing anyone else right now but we're not official yet. My gut feeling tells me he doesn't think of me as a priority yet. When he has exams in school, he wouldn't talk to me or maybe spares an hour to see me. He typically asks when I'm free but doesn't make plan to see me until the day before or the day of. ---- **Right now, he's home for the holiday (which is about 2 hours away) and we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks. He brought up the possibility of coming back in town during his break to check on his pets and if I'm around, he'd like to see me. I feel like if his pets weren't in the picture, he wouldn't come back at all.*** . Oh dear lord, I just read this^^.... Coming home for his pets, and if you're around, he'd like to see you? Sweetie, not only are you not a priority, you are nothing more than a mere convenience, when he has nothing else going on....or when he's around for other reasons, then he'll try and squeeze you in. If you're around, of course. I would have nexted this guy a long time before this... I would suggest you do the same...sorry Edited December 20, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author misty1114 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 No we haven't had sex and he hasn't asked for it either. So far he's been really nice to me when we're on dates but he's still crappy at planning dates and keeping in touch in general. I do get a sense that maybe he isn't ready for a relationship and might just wants a girl to go out with. He hasn't brought up how he feels about me or where things are going yet. The next time I see him, should I ask him how he feels where things are going or is that too rushed? Thank you all so much!
katiegrl Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 No we haven't had sex and he hasn't asked for it either. So far he's been really nice to me when we're on dates but he's still crappy at planning dates and keeping in touch in general. I do get a sense that maybe he isn't ready for a relationship and might just wants a girl to go out with. He hasn't brought up how he feels about me or where things are going yet. The next time I see him, should I ask him how he feels where things are going or is that too rushed? Thank you all so much! Misty, with respect have you read the posts? Many of us have advised, no do not ask him how he feels, it is obvious how he feels, or rather does not feel. Either pull back, stop texting, stop being so available .... Or just next him altogether...which is what I would do. Again, we teach people how to treat us, not with our words, but via our actions....and how we respond to their actions. 1
Ic1 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 No we haven't had sex and he hasn't asked for it either. So far he's been really nice to me when we're on dates but he's still crappy at planning dates and keeping in touch in general. I do get a sense that maybe he isn't ready for a relationship and might just wants a girl to go out with. He hasn't brought up how he feels about me or where things are going yet. The next time I see him, should I ask him how he feels where things are going or is that too rushed? Thank you all so much! No, you need to drop him like he's been dropping you. It's too late to bring it up. As for too rushed, it's a slug if you've been together 2-1/2 months and only see each other once a week! 1
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 He hasn't brought up how he feels about me or where things are going yet. The next time I see him, should I ask him how he feels where things are going or is that too rushed? Thank you all so much! DO NOT ask him how he feels. He feels nothing. If he had feelings for you he would not be able to stay away from you. A man that doesn't make you a priority does NOT have feelings for you. How can you even come close to a conclusion that he may have feelings? If you need a full blown rejection to let go of this guy then go ahead, ask him but be ready to be hit in the stomach with disappointment. 3
Ic1 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 if you need a full blown rejection to let go of this guy then go ahead, ask him but be ready to be hit in the stomach with disappointment. very well put! 1
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 We see this all the time on the Shack. If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy is just hanging out with you. It's possible he has another relationship going on like an LDR which TBH wouldn't surprise me. That could be why he just wants some female company but abstains from sexual cheating. In any case, you are not happy with the progression, so it's time to just move on. Seriously you should have dumped him sooner. Been there done that.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You can't fix this now. He's home for the holidays & outside the school routine. Yes exams have to come 1st Even if you were married, exams are always the priority when they come around. When you are back in proximity discuss some of this with him. If you ask him to stop calling you at the last minute he should respect that & alter his behavior.
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 A man that doesn't make you a priority does NOT have feelings for you. This is it^^^^100%
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Signs that he has a GF: Reluctant to introduce you to friends and family. You have never been to his place, always meeting at bars or restaurants. Has dates set up at odd times or last minute. Takes forever to reply to messages. Never sees you during the holidays (because he is spending it with his so). What is most telling is that he may check on his pets....something he would tell his GF as an excuse to get away to see you....I think he tripped up.
Versacehottie Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 No we haven't had sex and he hasn't asked for it either. So far he's been really nice to me when we're on dates but he's still crappy at planning dates and keeping in touch in general. I do get a sense that maybe he isn't ready for a relationship and might just wants a girl to go out with. He hasn't brought up how he feels about me or where things are going yet. The next time I see him, should I ask him how he feels where things are going or is that too rushed? Thank you all so much! ok, so he's not really leading you on either. He's taking it slow and indicating that's what he has to offer at the moment. You are below the pets at the very least, which is not horrible. It just says where he is vs where you are are very different. It is too rushed to say anything IMO. I don't think you are going to "talk" your way into getting what you want from him. He's doing what he wants which seems to be not enough for you. If you "talk" he knows he can mess with you. If you change your behavior like you are losing interest bc you should be if he doesn't meet your standards, he "may" fix his behavior. He's acting casual so you either mirror his casual OR decide that is not what you want. It helps so much to have standards in mind regardless of who you are dating. Like if casual that might build to something more is something that works for you, you already know it before it happens to you. If it never will, then you walk, simple. To me, at 23 something casual-ish might work. But you need to know yourself. You can't let the guy make all the decisions. He's not necessarily doing anything wrong but you may have different expectations. Idk if he's like the majority of my guy friends at 23 they were not looking for anything serious. That doesn't mean you accept lesser conditions than you are comfortable with. He treats you like someone just to go out with or flirty friend--well then, if you understand that and are ok with that, you do that and nothing more. Don't act like a gf yet. If you are not ok with it, that's ok too. Then just date others--there are some guys your age that will want and be ready for a gf but not as many. Work on figuring out your own standards that apply to ANY guy. You can't decide "I really like this one" and then go bending your standards and ideas of how an ideal relationship would be for you right now--you will end up disappointed and possibly bitter. Ironically, not having the standards and being too flexible is exactly what drives some guys that would otherwise like you away. Hope that makes sense. Good luck.
bathtub-row Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 He could also be gay and just looking for someone to loosely call a girlfriend. Whatever his reasons are, I think you're ignoring the obvious -- that his actions are telling you everything. Stop acting like talking is going to solve anything. Where men are concerned, this is usually a waste of time. 2
BlueIris Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Normal? I’ve never figured out what’s normal for people or what is good or right in the absolute because people are so different. My exH and I never called each other during the day. We could happily go a couple of days without contact and if one of us was absorbed in something we didn’t interact for a while. I don’t need that much contact. His second wife called him at least twice a day at work. Would've driven me crazy. I think I could handle a relationship with someone who was out of touch quite a lot, like a deployed soldier or sailor. I did a couple of times and quite liked all of the alone time. Some people couldn’t. I also think that I could handle a partner who could contact me daily or weekly but doesn't want to when he's absorbed in other things. I have before. Don't worry about normal. It's a double-edged sword, you know. Just like what you like and find the guy who fits that well.
Erik30 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 He's taking you for granted. It's a bad sign that he always lets you pick what the two of should do. He should be making an effort and come up with fun stuff so you will have a good time. Maybe he lost some interest, or he's just being lazy and he's used to having you around.
Recommended Posts