Does my boyfriend have errection problems? Why wont he have sex with me?

[MissThang]

I (24) have been with my boyfriend (29) for four months, and in that time we have only had sex once.

At first he'd talk dirty and I would do the same, we would make out, I'd let him see and touch me all over but when I try touch him, or unzip his pants he pulls away and says "Woa, you are a freak!" then we would stop. I figured he prefers a coy lady, so I started being that. Still we would make out but we never had sex. He'd have excuses or say things like "How am I supposed to stop now when you so hott? But I have to go."

About a month ago I asked him why we never have sex, why he is always just teasing me. he said he doesnt mean to tease, he wants me so bad but he just cant. I asked why and he said its just the way he is. I begged for the explaination for that, he didnt give. However he did come over the following day, and we had sex for the first time.

I have tried initiating sex since and he always has an excuses or says I am a freak, i love sex too much and I should get myself a dildo. He says this all like he is joking, but still wont have sex with me.

After we had sex though, he bought up a conversation about how awful life must be for those diabetic men or men with heart problems who cant keep it up. How horrible it must be having the woman you love next to you everyday but knowing you cant do anything to her and how you are bound to lose your woman to other men if you cant rise to the occasion. At that point I remembered he had heart problems when we first met, and he comes from a family where everyone eventually gets diabetes and/or heart problems. Maybe he its got him? Maybe he cant keep it up? He brought this topic up multiple times since and I have tried to show that I am understanding and open minded about such. I told him I'm sure it cant be easy but there are other ways to enjoy sex other than penetration. I told him I believe with communication any couple would find a way to make things work. He always says I am wrong and it would never work.

If he has ED, how do i get him to open up to me, and tell me. So we can find other ways to enjoy each other already. I dont know how we can have a healthy sexual life when he wont talk or let me touch him. I know it cant be easy. That he might be embarrassed, but I need him to be open with me. How do I show him he can trust me.

Or maybe he just isnt into me sexually? I mean he did get it up and keep it up that one time. Maybe he just doesnt want to have sex with me.

How do I get him to tell me whats happening with him?

Edited December 20, 2015 by MissThang

[AspenBaldwin]

Is not like he is there to provide sex all the time. Men are not sex machines, ya know.

[VeveCakes]

Is not like he is there to provide sex all the time. Men are not sex machines, ya know.

 

?? what???

 

OP how old is your bf? Has he been sexually active in the past? Does he get hard in the morning or when you fool around?

 

It could be anything. Guilt. Fear. Anxiety. He needs to open up...but try not pressure to much.

[Wewon]

Drop the entitlement mentality about sex. Men don't simply owe you sex just for being nice to them.

[central]

Your bf has serious sexual issues - whether they're physical or psychological or both, can't be determined. Or, he's just not into you but for some reason is stringing you along.

 

 

Whatever the issue, he is not forthcoming about it and isn't doing anything to resolve it. You should kick this one to the curb and move on NOW.

[StBreton]

Drop the entitlement mentality about sex. Men don't simply owe you sex just for being nice to them.

 

??What??

 

Wewon...on another thread a guy was lamenting his girlfriend of 3? months wasn't having sex with him...your reply:

 

You two might not be compatible.

 

She either has a low sex drive or some value that is clearly not in lined with yours. She's also not above implying that your desire for sex is some kind of selfish act.

 

I personally don't want to always feel like I'm negotiating for sex like a husband in a TV sitcom.

 

 

OP...I'd definitely have a conversation with your bf...his behavior is odd considering his age. If he doesn't want to open up about the issue and it's a deal breaker for you (FYI, it would be for me) I'd break it off with him. A partner who's not willing to be open, honest, and work on issues is not a partner in my book. What happens when other issues come up? Does the guy just stonewall/sweep under the rug the issues?

 

Things you could ask the guy:

Do you have diabetes? Type I or II

Do you feel comfortable with me?

Are you attracted to me?

Is there a medical issue going on or possible function issue? (alluding to ED without saying the word).

Do you want to work this out with me?

In your past relationships, did you have intercourse regularly? How often?

 

I had only one issue with ED and the guy also suggested my getting a "dildo" ... that didn't go over well with me. He had a low sex drive along with ED. Just didn't work for me...glad I found out after only a few months dating and ended things...he didn't seem very interested in the blue pill solution and I wasn't interested in being frustrated.

 

FYI...calling you a "freak" was mean spirited...it should only be said in a complimentary way "freak in the sheets" kind of thing.

Edited December 22, 2015 by StBreton

[mike_89]

If he chooses not to have sex with you for whatever reason (for all you know he might be convinced his soul will be slowly roasted in purgatory until judgement day for having premarital sex) then you have to respect that or find another guy.

 

He can't really have erectile dysfunction because you said you already had sex.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

His whole attitude towards sex sounds a bit off. He is throwing out hints and random comments but won't actually have an honest conversation with you about it.

 

Sex issue aside, I think the communication issue is the bigger deal breaker here.

[jen1447]

Hard to say what's going on but we can always guess.

 

I tend to think he does have ED issues, and that possibly that one time he had enough lead that he could prepare with a pill.

 

Did he perform ok the one time? Does he have a small penis? If he was a short-timer or small that could make him prohibitively self conscious, but I'm guessing moreso he's worried about sustaining an erection - possibly in the mistaken assumption that all women think all men are supposed to be able to stay rock hard and pound away relentlessly for hours at a time.

 

You should just talk to him and ask him what's up.

[preraph]

I think he does have erectile dysfunction problems. I mean, it could be other things, but that's what it sounds like. I was in love with someone who didn't tell me the issue and almost put me in the nuthouse I was so confused by his nonaction -- and yet he wouldn't stop coming over. They find it hard to talk about being impotent. He and I could talk about anything but that, apparently.

 

It's possible he's gay and doesn't know it all the way yet or doesn't want to be and is fighting it. That can certainly happen as well.

 

The man I knew who had ED had it because he was molested when younger, he finally told me 10 years later. So you could make some inquiries about when he lost his virginity and how, etc. and see if he'll open up any.

 

P.S. When we first met, it was sparks and flirtation and all the normal stuff, romantic. And yes, he'd sleep over and cuddle and that was it. He even avoided kissing or anything. And he'd give other reasons when I eventually called him out like I wasn't his type -- but he'd never clear out, even when I fell in love with someone else. It can be very confusing. He needs to be honest with you. You might ask him to go to couples counseling. He probably won't.

Edited December 22, 2015 by preraph