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My BF of 2 years just broke up with me out of the blue. Devastated [UPDATED]

Penguin_hugs

By Penguin_hugs
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Exactly how much pressure were you putting on him before he broke it off? Were you bothering him with relentless texts and calls?

 

I ask because i have a hard time grasping how you are a distraction to him when you don't even live in the same city.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think this is not the reason he ended it.

 

The bottom line is that he is obviously very unsure about a future together. Be very careful moving forward, and don't hold your breath.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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^^^ This is it right here. Clear as day. He talked up the idea of you relocating, but talk is cheap. That is a tough lesson to learn, but it's true. Talk is very cheap. Once things got real, he realized (or maybe had reservations all along) that he didn't want to commit in the same way you do. I'm sorry you are finding out this way, but any other excuses he gives you are BS. If he really loved you and wanted a relationship, he would be thrilled that you are finally going to be in the same city. But instead, he broke it off with you when that became a reality.

 

I agree ^^...and to Amelie1980.....I really admire you.

 

For you to be writing these posts, and giving such wise advice, when you yourself are going through shyt times in your relationship, is nothing short of amazing IMO.

 

Just wanted to say that.

 

Hope you feel better soon, and wish you nothing but the best going forward....

 

Hugs

 

Back to topic.....

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Amelie1980 Established Member

Amelie1980

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I agree ^^...and to Amelie1980.....I really admire you.

 

For you to be writing these posts, and giving such wise advice, when you yourself are going through shyt times in your relationship, is nothing short of amazing IMO.

 

Just wanted to say that.

 

Hope you feel better soon, and wish you nothing but the best going forward....

 

Hugs

 

Back to topic.....

 

Awww thanks.....It's all so easy to see when it isnt happening to you though isnt it?

 

If I was the OP I would be clutching at straws too.

 

Back to topic. :)

PinkElephants Established Member

PinkElephants

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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time dealing with this around the holidays but have to agree with the others. He's probably thought about this more clearly than you want to admit; I get your adamant insistence that it's a mistake because admitting that he's carefully considered that he doesn't want you in his life is a pain you're unable to accept.

 

I, too, have experienced this. I dated a guy who said that he couldn't be with me anymore because of his school workload. My best friend was his classmate and we saw each other every few days so I knew this wasn't true. The truth was he just didn't want me around anymore.

 

His job is just an excuse. Like Amelie, I'm in a profession that is highly skilled and requires a lot of time and dedication. My boyfriend and I sometimes don't see each other for days despite living together; even now, I'm out of town for work and he's with family.

 

During times of stress, he is my warm spot in the sun. I retreat to him, not away from him because he's my solace and comfort and I'm his. We put in a lot of effort to maintain intimacy and love when we can't be together and it's hard sometimes. The point is, we both want it and are willing to try. Your guy doesn't want it and doesn't want to try.

 

I protested everything he said

What you actually did was disrespect everything he said. You said that his points were invalid and he needed to reconsider to see things your way. Why do you feel the need to control him?

 

I'm worried for him because he's kept this work stress hidden. He lives alone and doesn't talk to his neighbours. He doesn't have a close relationship with his family and speaks to them rarely- they live far away and they only spend christmas together. His friends have all moved away for work so his only distraction in the world is me.

 

I text him last night saying I was worried about him and that I know work is stressful but i am here to support him

Worry is a one sided relationship. You worry to fabricate closeness and intimacy because you think worrying means you care. As long as you worry, you're involved with him even if he's not involved with you.

 

His problems are his own. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions and doesn't need you behaving like his overprotective mother in the background.

 

I just don't accept it's over

This is the crux of it and it's not his responsibility to fix it. He's decided it's over; now you need to accept it. Consider if he takes you back. You'll be racked with insecurity because you know he doesn't really want to be with you and he left you once so he can do it again. Your worrying will increase. Your need to control his decisions will increase. He'll crack and dump you again and then you'll be crying about wasted time.

 

Sometimes things end so better things can come together. Take this as a learning experience and find someone who wants you as badly as you want them next time.

Els Established Member

Els

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I'm sorry I was too upset to look back at this thread for a few days and I just had to focus on surviving work myself.

 

That's totally understandable, and you should absolutely do what is right for you. {{hugs}} How are you feeling?

 

I think a few days apart has made him start thinking that he's over reacted. He started messaging me asking how my day has been and that he misses me.

It's great that he is trying to talk to you... but what is he going to do about this in the future? Is he at least going to try to cope better with his work instead of pushing you away? Has he apologized for what he said and did?

 

He can't expect that he can do this all the time and that you will always be ready and willing to take him back each time. You shouldn't be setting such a precedent either. If this happens again I really think you should walk and not look back. I also think that you should think twice, thrice, four times, before relocating to be with someone who can drop you like a hat at a moment's notice.

 

Please do take care of yourself.

Edited by Elswyth
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No_Go Established Member

No_Go

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Penguin,

 

Sorry for your loss, but if you love him - let him go. He was crystal clear he doesn't want to be with you any more, don't make it harder by talking and begging.

 

I was in a similar position to him. I was doing my PhD when I start dating someone, most of the time it was long distance. We were talking about moving together when I move to his city for my postdoc. But I knew deep inside I didn't want that. I wanted to continue my life without him, btw I haven't met anybody else, I just thought we are not a fit for long term.

So I told him that and he went ballistic. He thought it is the work pressure, my boss or other guy. He pestered me literally for months before we separated for good.

 

Postdocs are not tough jobs, no matter what people say. Mine was at MIT and supposedly very competitive but let me tell you, long hours come with a lot of flexibility. 99% of the Postdocs cut hobbies by choice, not because of advisor pressure. I can write on and on on that based on personal experience.

 

So just to sum up, I believe he was honest with you - let him be and keep the good memories...

 

I'm sorry I was too upset to look back at this thread for a few days and I just had to focus on surviving work myself.

 

The "he's obviously cheating on you" comments didn't help and I know that it's not about that in the slightest. I know that it can be the case for some people- but not mine.

 

We've sent a few messages back and forth and he's going to meet up with me after christmas so we can talk this all out.

 

He's basically had a meltdown from work- his boss keeps putting more and more pressure on him and told him to remove all distractions aka me. I believe this has been a knee jerk reaction to a lot of stress building.

 

I just have to see how things pan out once we have had a conversation. I've been staying with my mum for a few days as I didn't function well at all to begin with. I didn't eat for a few days and had my own meltdown. I was just so confused by the whole thing which to me felt like it had come out of nowhere. When only 3 days previously he had been working out a schedule for us to save for a house deposit and I was going to his family's house for christmas.

 

Now I feel like I'm hanging a bit because of the holidays and how there is basically no transport to see each other for a few days.

 

I think a few days apart has made him start thinking that he's over reacted. He started messaging me asking how my day has been and that he misses me.

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Penguin_hugs Established Member

Penguin_hugs

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We spoke today. In a way it was good because both of us had a chance to say what we were feeling whereas last time was more of a shocked crying session.

 

He told me that he's putting his career first - he believes that will make him happy. He said that his work life is unfair on me and it affects him as he can see how distance upsets me.

 

He still kept saying he loved me but he had to do this. He made some weird comments about meeting up for a daytrip to our favourite museum next month- but I told him I don't want to just be his friend. I told him that whatever happens he still has to live his life, work can't take over and that I reckon he will regret things. He's basically planning on cutting out everything and everyone til he gets a fellowship.

 

We didn't exchange anything, like I still have his house keys. When he got here he was just talking about everyday stuff like nothing happened last week.

 

I feel awful. Like my world just crashed for a second time.

 

But I still don't feel angry or hate him.

 

I'm just going to leave it and not contact him.

  • Like 1
anna121 Established Member

anna121

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I'm sorry.

 

You are so, so right to insist on distance. Make it ironclad once you sort out the final loose ends (keys etc).

 

At this point, his reasons for doing this don't really matter. He has made his decision and now you need to make yours.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I'm sorry you're hurting so much, girl. I have had that same world-turned-upside-down feeling before during a breakup and it's no walk in the park.

 

You are doing the right thing by rejecting his offer to hang out. Take it from someone who fell for a similar breadcrumb, it is not a good idea to "be friends" at this time. I don't think he quite understands how much this hurts you, or perhaps he's trying to ease his guilt for breaking up with you. Either way, it doesn't matter. The effect that would have on you is painful. One of my long-term exes was similar; he asked me to dinner and just wanted to chat like nothing had happened and be buddies. I went and it was just....bizarre and awkward. I rejected his invitations after that.

 

He may regret it someday, or he may not. Only he knows what's really going through his heart and mind. Since he must be a smart guy to get this far academically, you have to trust that he knows himself and his motivations better than you do and that is making the right choice in the end.

 

Hugs to you, OP.

  • Like 1
  • 2 months later...
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Penguin_hugs Established Member

Penguin_hugs

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Hi there

 

It's been a while since I posted as I've mainly been lurking since a breakup 3 months ago.

 

We were together over 2 years and it was my first relationship. The break up came out of the blue for me- we had ended up being ldr because of his work, but the distance was closing this summer and he kept talking about how we'd be together forever, making plans for living together, saving for a house deposit etc etc. Then suddenly he said that he loved me but that we couldn't be together because he had to put work first.

 

I've been a bit of a mess through it. But I definitely have times when I am better. I can see that I shouldn't be with someone that will just drop me like that. I've had to make a new plan for my future and I've realised that I shouldn't have tied all my plans and goals in to him. I can see that I was probably putting more in to it than him and that he was often cancelling on me because of work.

 

Despite all of this- I'm still upset and really hurting. I'm still having nights of crying myself to sleep, just remembering the good times. I miss the good times we had and experiences shared- despite it ending- it was the best 2 years I've ever had and I grew as a person massively- and became more independent from my family.

 

And I just end up feeling really down and moping when I am on my own. And that can't always be prevented. When I spend time with family and friends on a day off from work- I'm fine. But my friends aren't really local anymore. I'm ok when I am at work because I just focus on that, but I have a week off now which my manager arranged because it had to fit in to her schedule- so I'm on my own for a week. Last time I had a few days off work I was really down and teary- yet I'm fine when I'm busy at work. I'm already down and teary this week and it's only Monday :/

 

And the nature of my work means that I need to knuckle down and study now- my qualifying exams are only a few months away. I had my interview last week for a qualified position with the company- so I'll be moving away from the area I live in now in a few months.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm just still hurting. I've been NC since he broke up with me, although at some point I'll need to sort out swapping stuff back. I'm waiting til I feel better and don't want to contact him because I miss him to do that.

 

If you've read my waffle- cheers- I just had to get it out of my system

  • Like 1
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

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Waffle away, we like waffle here.

 

 

You're not alone, always remember that. We all go through such bad times after a break up, especially when things end out of our control. The fact is, you won't get over this easily, it will take time. We all heal at different rates, so don't try to force it or expect it to happen over night. I took a good year before I could truly say I was fully healed.

 

 

No harm in remembering good times. It's like when someone you love dies, it's good to remember that for a brief moment they affected you life in a good way. I can look back at the ex from years ago and those good memories actually make me smile but I no longer get any bad feelings from it. Your good memories will continue to trigger negative responses for some time to come, but let it happen. Healing isn't about always trying to be happy, it's about being honest with yourself and letting the good, and bad, in and then out again. Never worry about crying either - it's a great release.

 

 

As for the time off, well we all have triggers that come and go. Yours is clearly being home and not being busy or surrounded by other people. So you need to change that or if that's not possible right now, focus on it and tell yourself that yeah, this is going to be a bad time, but I'll work through it somehow, accept that I'll be down, but also accept that over time these periods will go. As I said, you can't force yourself to heal. You're in the UK, and right now we're having some nice weather, so get out there. You have a week off, so jump on a train and go visit some of those distant friends. I know how hard it can be to actually want to get out after a break up, but although you can't force the healing, you do have to force the change at times.

 

 

Feel free to vent on here as it's always welcome and everyone will understand where you're coming from.

  • Like 1
K2z Established Member

K2z

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This is a wonderful place to vent and waffle. God knows I have.

 

It's been three months for you. Give it six to ten. The storm will rage for a couple months more. Batten down and hang on. Simplify your life and enjoy simple, basic victories. Volunteer if at all possible.

 

Between month six and ten I will wager your autonomic systems will decide you simply cannot sustain the level of suffering you have endured thus far. Some safety hatch will appear. Perhaps that's cynical humor and sarcasm, and comedy sitcoms. Perhaps it's a hankering for nerdy sci-fi novels. Politics, or physics.

 

Your brain will latch on to something productive and you will find some sort of respite. That's when you know the storm is subsiding.

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kztar Established Member

kztar

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2 months for me. Doesn't feel like day one but also does not feel much better either. I hate time right now.

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Penguin_hugs Established Member

Penguin_hugs

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Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

Currently I've gone down with some leurgy and can't visit anyone on my week off- plus most of my friends are working anyway! I think it made me mope more today as I couldn't really do much. Pretty much been bed bound with some flu like bug :/ made it worse that there was no one to look out for me now and bring me soup or something :/

 

I have at least made some plans now though! I booked last minute flights to visit my dad on my next days off and a uni friend has a day off this week- so we'll have a study session together.

 

I keep telling myself that I just have to get through the next few months- I sit my exams in June, finish my current position in July and then hopefully start a new qualified position in August in a new area where I can start again, make new friends and meet people etc. It'll be a clean slate.

  • Like 1
  • 3 months later...
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Penguin_hugs Established Member

Penguin_hugs

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He sent me a whatsapp today. Just a general hi how are you- can you return my house keys as I'm moving- either recorded post today or I'll visit you at the weekend and get them.

 

I feel so weird. I haven't spoken to him since the end of December when he broke up with me. I've just tried to avoid everything to do with him- simply because I couldn't face it.

 

I replied to the message as soon as I saw it- without really thinking- saying that I could do either as I wanted my own stuff back. If he'd already packed it then he could send it to my mum's address as I'd be moving soon myself.

 

I just feel really weird and shakey. And like I'm going to cry again. It's been a while.

 

I'm also on study leave from work and my exams are next week :/

 

Eurgh. It's ok if no one replies I just had to tell someone and I'd usually phone my mum but she is on holiday.

 

It means going in to that box of stuff under my bed which I have tried to ignore for months....

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Here is your chance. Go through the house put anything else of his in that box and hand it over to him. Then go no contact. Tell him you need your key back. Give him his.

 

Now is your chance to finally let go and move on.

 

Being sad is absolutely fine but letting it consume you until that is all you have is really unhealthy.

 

Grab this chance and cut the cord.

 

Live!

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Penguin_hugs Established Member

Penguin_hugs

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Ok- I did it. Boxed up everything I found and posted it today. Gave him an address to send my things and sent him the postal bill (he offered as he needs the keys asap to get his flat deposit back).

 

Feels so weird that that was it. Done. Life changed.

 

Got to get my head back in to studying- my qualifying exam is next week and then I start looking at moving to my new area soon and starting afresh. Both exciting and terrifying at the same time. It's a clean slate, new area, new flat, have to force myself to go out and meet new people- might even try a date or two

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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That sounds really positive!

 

Go for it.

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