My BF of 2 years just broke up with me out of the blue. Devastated [UPDATED]

December 20, 2015

Hi there

Bit of background- we've been together over 2 years after meeting OLD. He initially lived near me while he was doing a PhD and then moved 18 months ago for a really prestigious Post doctorate position. I was at uni but have since graduated and am on a work placement this year before I qualify and can basically move anywhere in the country for working. We live about 2 hours apart and see each other for a few weekends each month, we text a few times a day and skype a few times a week. It works. We both love each other a lot. I'm 22 and he's 27. Things just clicked and made sense between us.

I'm qualified in August- so my plan has been to relocate to where he is. His contract ends in July- but that nay be extended. He's the one who has been talking about forever, moving in together and we even started looking at places to rent together last weekend. I've had no inkling that there is a problem.

Yesterday he came round (we already had weekend plans) and suddenly sat down and started crying. He said we couldn't see each other anymore because he couldn't cope with his work and it's cruel on me. He said that his style of life with relocating and potentially being out of work would just worry me and he can't do that to me.

I protested everything he said- I'm happy to relocate- I can actually get work anywhere in the country. I'll earn enough for the 2 of us. I care about him not his work. I'm here to support him with work etc etc. I broke down in disbelief. I just don't understand. I asked him if his boss had spoken to him and he said kind of. It sounds like his boss is implying that I am a distraction that needs to be removed to complete his research.

I just don't understand. I'm completely distraught. We were planning our lives together even up to last weekend! I was going to his parents for christmas. We were making so many future plans and this has just come out of nowhere.

I told him in the end that I don't accept it, he's just thinking about work not me. He kept saying he loved me and that I was amazing and our relationship has been perfect but that he had to do this. I told him to go away for a few days and then we will talk again once he's cleared his head because he's not thinking properly. He said he would see me in a few days.

I ended up phoning my Mum because I'm in such a state. I feel like my whole world has just ended and I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and I'm just upset and confused. I'm worried for him because he's kept this work stress hidden. He lives alone and doesn't talk to his neighbours. He doesn't have a close relationship with his family and speaks to them rarely- they live far away and they only spend christmas together. His friends have all moved away for work so his only distraction in the world is me. But we don't even see each other that often.

I feel like he's overreacted because of work stuff and he just needs to come to his senses.

I text him last night saying I was worried about him and that I know work is stressful but i am here to support him. I love him and don't want this to be over and I asjed for him to talk to me. He replied saying he was sorry, he was trying to do things to distract himself from work and he just needs a few days to think and clear his head a little. I replied saying that I'm here to listen when he is ready.

I'm just leaving it now but I just feel awful. This is my first relationship too- but I really thought this was it.

My mum took me back to her's for a few days because I'm not good on my own right now. I just hate this waiting to see what will happen. I just don't accept it's over

December 20, 2015

So sorry to hear that, Penguin. Many hugs.

I honestly think you might be overestimating how easy it is for you to relocate constantly to follow him. Even when you are a full-fledged pharmacist, will you truly be able to go anywhere with zero impact on your career? Will there really be job opportunities for you in every single town and city in the UK? And what if he gets an offer outside of the UK?

As far as I've observed, the only people who can truly work from anywhere at any time are people who can work remotely (and even then there can be some restrictions and it isn't as easy to find remote jobs), and this is not an option in your career path.

That being said, it's definitely possible to make things work in spite of that, but both of you need to make compromises, sacrifices and effort in order to do that. He's made it quite clear that he doesn't think he's up to that.

I think that for your own sake, you should try to believe him, as hard as it sounds. Don't sacrifice your career for someone who can just break up with you out of the blue like that. It's not worth it. Some people are worth sacrificing for but those people don't just throw you curveballs like that out of nowhere.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Elswyth

December 20, 2015

Thankyou

I just have 7 months left of training now until I am a qualified pharmacist. I work for an international pharmacy chain who allow you to relocate fairly easily so I don't understand his reasoning. And I had already said last weekend that I was happy to move anywhere in the world for his job. I'd said that before he even mentioned it.

I just don't think he's thought this through. I'm scared he's sacrificing everything now. He literally will only have going to work in his life. He's cut out hobbies and friends. Now me. I know we need to talk and I need to support him better with his work. When we speak next I'm going to make that abundantly clear.

My mum went through something similar with her BF about 18 months ago. He broke up with her because he had a lot of pressure from his ex wife but after 48 hours he realised his mistake and they had to talk properly. Their relationship changed but became much stronger.

Currently I've hardly slept and just feel a state. I'm scared about not seeing him again because I just can't face that- but I also can't face only seeing him to give him his things back either. I have a load of stuff at his and vice versa

December 20, 2015

It's commendable that you are so concerned about his wellbeing despite what he just put you through... but you can't protect people from themselves, Penguin.

I hope you don't find this offensive, but I honestly think you are offering too much and expecting too little. You are intending to constantly relocate to be with someone who broke up with you out of the blue, and when he did this your reaction is that you need to 'support him better'. But what about him, does he think he needs to change anything or do anything better? If he truly felt that the issue was with your support of him, he should have communicated this. Instead he went and made an executive decision on your R without even consulting you. IMO he is in the wrong, not you.

I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive him - that is your prerogative to decide - but it's abundantly clear that the onus isn't on you to do anything or convince him of anything. You didn't do anything wrong. He did. It's not about what you need to do better, but about what he needs to do in order to find balance in his life.

December 20, 2015

It's commendable that you are so concerned about his wellbeing despite what he just put you through... but you can't protect people from themselves, Penguin.

I hope you don't find this offensive, but I honestly think you are offering too much and expecting too little. You are intending to constantly relocate to be with someone who broke up with you out of the blue, and when he did this your reaction is that you need to 'support him better'. But what about him, does he think he needs to change anything or do anything better? If he truly felt that the issue was with your support of him, he should have communicated this. Instead he went and made an executive decision on your R without even consulting you. IMO he is in the wrong, not you.

I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive him - that is your prerogative to decide - but it's abundantly clear that the onus isn't on you to do anything or convince him of anything. You didn't do anything wrong. He did. It's not about what you need to do better, but about what he needs to do in order to find balance in his life.

Well-said.

When I was younger, I often did this too. I tried to bend over backwards to please and comfort and support an ex-boyfriend. But in the end, it wasn't enough because he simply didn't want my comfort and support anymore. His feelings had changed to the point of him feeling guilty watching me do back-flips for him because he just didn't feel the same way any longer. My ex did much the same thing yours is now doing. His life was all about work. I was also concerned about him but there's not much we can do when their feelings change.

He knows his own heart better than you do, OP. That's hard to accept, I know. But the chances that this came totally out of the blue are small. I would wager he's been feeling unsure for a little while but tried to put on a happy face and go along with it because he didn't want to feel that way and didn't want to hurt you.

December 20, 2015

Sounds like he has another woman.

December 20, 2015

His dedication to his work, his family ties, his giving up his hobbies are not your concern, they are his.

Until now your relationship has been long distance, meeting at weekends. Did you consider that suited him as it was at arms length? When s h i t got real and moving in together became a possibility he backed out. I think it suited him while at arms length and now he doesn't want the reality of a full time relationship where he cant send you home after the weekend.

The mistake you are making is focusing your attention on his issues. What will make you instantly more attractive to anyone is to worry about you. Complete your training, find a job in a place you want to work in, do hobbies you want to do, go out with your friends and do things that make you happy.

Ive learned the hard way this is what I should have done all along. Do you really want to spend your time trying to cross oceans for someone who jump puddles for you?

December 20, 2015

Sounds like he has another woman.

Yeah this too.

My ex gave me a load of bs excuses when he found another woman.

December 20, 2015

Sorry one more thing.....saying you can move anywhere and earn enough to keep both of you?! Really! It's your money, you have got to be more selfish and think more of yourself than that. What is he going to be putting in?

Money is an electric fence boundary with me, no one gets the benefit of my money unless they provide equally too.

Do you really want to spend your life moving around the country, working to support him? What about you? Do you just want to work and exist merely to support his life?

You deserve so much better.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Amelie1980

December 20, 2015

I agree with others that the circs look really suspicious, and there may well be someone else.

The stuff about his boss talking to him about his girlfriend/personal is completely unbelievable. It's a post doc - not a tenure track position. (I am a prof btw.) Is this his doctoral supervisor?? If not, and it's a temp position like most post docs - why would his boss even know his personal info? In any event, you two were planning to be together in a few months! The idea that anyone would say boo about it is NUTS.

But the most impt thing is what this says about him and his ability to navigate relationship issues with maturity and consideration.

He sounds like a complete and utter prat.

I'm sorry.

December 20, 2015

What a shock - no wonder you're having trouble accepting his decision. Whatever happens - even if he changes his mind - I'd take time to think about the fact that he's done this. Trust is really important and in your position, my trust in him would have taken a huge blow. Really sorry you're going through this.

December 20, 2015

Hi Penguin,

It seems that he fell in love with someone else, feels guilty about it, and he cannot admit to it. Unfortunately, most guys never do. I'm sure he cares about you. He might have seen someone everyday, developed feelings for her over time.... Is his boss a lady? His excuse doesn't make any sense! This is my assumption, it might not be the case, but think of this as a possible cause. I'm sorry for your loss. Things will get better, don't worry. We've all been there.....

December 20, 2015

If you do meet in person to talk....ask him this :

"What is her name and how long has this been going on for?"

His face will say it all.

The fact that he says the relocation and circumstances mean it won't work at all....is his way of saying I am making it look like it is impossible to work so you won't find out about the other woman.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Amelie1980

December 20, 2015

I think it's quite toxic to assume there is constantly someone else. In some cases there will be but if he had the balls to come to you and broke down in front of you then I'd be inclined to believe him.

Penguin, if I were you I'd give him space and time and take a back step from his life. Full no contact is probably best - if he truly wants to be with you he will come to you and let you know. If not learn from this and move forward.

It hurts now but give it time.

December 20, 2015

My ex had the balls to come up to me, broke down in tears when he ended it, blamed personal circumstances and said he felt sick to his stomach at never seeing me again. He was sobbing like a baby.

The truth was he had been sleeping with someone for at least two months when he sobbed and cried to me.

He felt guilty at what a s h i t he had been hence the tears.

Anything is possible.

The ops ex won't even try to make it work, won't try it for a bit, he cant have a gf as his boss says its distracting from his research? Wtf? Some post docs have spouses and kids...it is doable. It's all excuses to hide the truth.

December 21, 2015

First of all I am really sorry for what happened to you, I know it crushes you really bad. I have been there myself being with someone for 5 years and just like that they decided to leave you. I do however think as cruel as this sounds this wasn't out of the blue, he either had been thinking about this for a while or like many here said found a different girl and decided to pursue her. This has nothing to do with you and the job, because at the end of day if someone wants to be with you they will be with you no matter what. My ex left me giving me BS excuses; im holding her back from school, work, friends etc. any excuse to leave me and still til this day denies leaving me for some one else. My advice is work hard on bettering yourself, cry if you have to for however long you have to. But most importantly dont give him the satisfaction of seeing you suffer. If he did leave you for someone else, he will get his in time. but whatever you do take care of yourself.

December 21, 2015

The suggestions of "another woman" are very presumptuous, but I'd agree with the basic notion that his work itself is not entirely to blame.

Successful couples can figure out how to deal with circumstances like these. They put in the work to overcome obstacles, because the alternative - not being together - is unacceptable. OP, your boyfriend is not of that mindset.

Sure, his work might be causing a ton of stress, and might be dominating his time in a way that makes him feel guilty with you. But it's not totally genuine for him to pin this entire breakup on his work, while you're sitting there offering to do whatever you can to figure things out.

I think you need to go deeper with him and see what other types of things are going on his mind, in terms of his plans for the future - where/how he wants to live, marriage, the whole big picture. Because I can guarantee that some other factors are at play here in this breakup, and he should be honest about that.

December 22, 2015

How are you doing, OP? Hope you're feeling better. Do take care of yourself!

December 24, 2015

I'm sorry I was too upset to look back at this thread for a few days and I just had to focus on surviving work myself.

The "he's obviously cheating on you" comments didn't help and I know that it's not about that in the slightest. I know that it can be the case for some people- but not mine.

We've sent a few messages back and forth and he's going to meet up with me after christmas so we can talk this all out.

He's basically had a meltdown from work- his boss keeps putting more and more pressure on him and told him to remove all distractions aka me. I believe this has been a knee jerk reaction to a lot of stress building.

I just have to see how things pan out once we have had a conversation. I've been staying with my mum for a few days as I didn't function well at all to begin with. I didn't eat for a few days and had my own meltdown. I was just so confused by the whole thing which to me felt like it had come out of nowhere. When only 3 days previously he had been working out a schedule for us to save for a house deposit and I was going to his family's house for christmas.

Now I feel like I'm hanging a bit because of the holidays and how there is basically no transport to see each other for a few days.

I think a few days apart has made him start thinking that he's over reacted. He started messaging me asking how my day has been and that he misses me.

December 24, 2015

Ive had utterly intolerable stress from work before. Im in a very high skilled profession.

Did it affect my relationship at the time.....NO.

In fact it made me seek solace from them.

I know people doing post docs who are married with children. If rheir boss told them to divorce their spouse to focus on work? Yeah that'll be the day.

You don't even live near him so how much of a distraction to his daily work are you? Exactly.

Im sorry he's lying to you.

This just isnt right.

But if you feel you have to refuse to allow him to break up with you and keep talking him out of what is HIS decision and no one elses, good luck.

Try and have a good Christmas.

December 24, 2015

Whether it was about another woman or not... is irrelevant right now.

What you do know is that you two aren't together and you might want to see this at some point, in hindsight as a bullet dodged, because now you have freedom to choose that you didn't have previously.

I'm glad this happened now and not 2 weeks after having chosen to be where he is at.

December 24, 2015

I was in this exact situation once. I foolishly believed that it was all about work, and if I just kept being supportive, loving and steadfast he would see how much he needed me. But that's not how it works. What I didn't understand was he chose to put work ahead of me. If he had genuinely wanted to be by my side he would have. He didn't.

He is re-evaluating his priorities right now. It could be because of work, another woman, or both. (While I don't think he's cheating on you, he may very well have met someone else. It's probably the most common reason for breakups, especially between the ages of 23 and 29.) As Diezel said, the reason isn't relevant. It's about his choice. He has to decide for himself and be certain he wants a future with you. If you have to talk him into it your relationship is doomed.

December 24, 2015

I was in this exact situation once. I foolishly believed that it was all about work, and if I just kept being supportive, loving and steadfast he would see how much he needed me. But that's not how it works. What I didn't understand was he chose to put work ahead of me. If he had genuinely wanted to be by my side he would have. He didn't.

He is re-evaluating his priorities right now. It could be because of work, another woman, or both. (While I don't think he's cheating on you, he may very well have met someone else. It's probably the most common reason for breakups, especially between the ages of 23 and 29.) As Diezel said, the reason isn't relevant. It's about his choice. He has to decide for himself and be certain he wants a future with you. If you have to talk him into it your relationship is doomed.

Me too....It was another woman and not work issues.

Work as an excuse is nonsense.

How do doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc manage to have partners and children along side a stressful career?

December 24, 2015

Makes me sad to read this.

I empathize with you and how incredibly painful it is to imagine another girl is involved. But trust me, that's almost 100% the case with YOUR situation. Everyone thinks theirs is different. I did too.

On the bright side, you're about to be a pharmacist. You'll be beating guys off with a stick because you'll have so many options. A lot of people respect your hard work and achievements.

December 24, 2015

Until now your relationship has been long distance, meeting at weekends. Did you consider that suited him as it was at arms length? When s h i t got real and moving in together became a possibility he backed out. I think it suited him while at arms length and now he doesn't want the reality of a full time relationship where he cant send you home after the weekend.

^^^ This is it right here. Clear as day. He talked up the idea of you relocating, but talk is cheap. That is a tough lesson to learn, but it's true. Talk is very cheap. Once things got real, he realized (or maybe had reservations all along) that he didn't want to commit in the same way you do. I'm sorry you are finding out this way, but any other excuses he gives you are BS. If he really loved you and wanted a relationship, he would be thrilled that you are finally going to be in the same city. But instead, he broke it off with you when that became a reality.

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My BF of 2 years just broke up with me out of the blue. Devastated [UPDATED]

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