BF wants me to meet girl he slept with

[SoftViolin]

So I would like to try to see this from the OP's side. You guys, who have replied, for the most part say she is appearing immature and insecure. Insecure in some ways part she doesn't deny even, but is it really immature or is there something else behind it?

 

Just seems to me that if her BF was making her feel secure and wanted (taking into consideration that it goes both ways, but again just trying to see this from OP's side), she would not feel so upset about the issue. Sounds like she is sensitive to number of sexual partners (her right), he knew about it, was asked not to disclose, still told her and now expects her to go to a party, again knowing she is uncomfortable with it. Me personally - I would feel worse in this situation if I wasn't told, or wasn't invited. I'd feel like there's something to hide in that case, and I would've been fine with meeting and going to a party. But I am not OP, and she is a person who is uncomfortable with it, and there seems to be more going on than just this one occurrence.

 

So OP - on your particular issue, I strongly believe that since it makes you uncomfortable, and you decide it's the best thing for you and your relationship, you are in your own right to do as you see fit. And even if your BF will be disappointed, I hope he should not want his partner to feel bad. There are many more things in the future where he might need to pull the 'do it for me' card that will be more worth it.

Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact commentary on prohibited language.

[chenot]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

[frus69]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

So THIS is your real problem. I'm not going to explain how it is a big mistake to have a babe with a guy who doesn't even want you, but would just like to point out that avoiding to see her ain't gonna solve your problem, you know that right?

[chenot]

So THIS is your real problem. I'm not going to explain how it is a big mistake to have a babe with a guy who doesn't even want you, but would just like to point out that avoiding to see her ain't gonna solve your problem, you know that right?

 

No, but it won't help it either and won't make me feel any better.

[Cherryz]

Its weird that he slept with her but still friends with her.

Doesn't that call a ex?????????

 

You should tell him just like it is.

And i think also that its best that he stop finding it important to go

or interact with this girl.

 

Because this can easily bring drama or become a topic again and again when she put one more

of her party's. Or what ever sleep overs. And so on.

[Cherryz]

 

So what, he had sex with her BEFORE you were together. Most people have a past and if you can't deal with that, you need help.

 

So yes you are overreacting. If you love this man, you'll go to the get together with him and your child, meet the ex, and not be a jerk.

 

 

If its a past then keep it in the past! And stay in the past.

She dont have to put up with no ones past. If its really past like you saying then he should have break any contact with her and left her in the past. Then will past be past because its no longer in the present.

Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

 

So this is what you're really upset about.

 

This other girl has nothing to do with the more serious problems in your relationship. You meeting her or not is kind of irrelevant at this point. It's not going to alter the dynamic between you and your boyfriend at all.

 

Look, he's checking out of the relationship. You need to have a serious and open talk with him. If he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he needs to communicate that clearly. You together need to work on a plan of how you will raise your child even if you are no longer a couple. Sorry, but it sounds like that's the way it's heading.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I would honestly refuse to go and put an end to it. Say you would much rather hang out with your child and put an end to the debate. He cannot force you to go either. I understand why it would make you feel uncomfortable as it would make me feel uncomfortable too. I understand too the fact that he's slept around would make you feel uncomfortable too and the fact that he's told you about who he has done it with because " he wants to be an honest guy" shows he doesn't really respect some of your clear boundaries. Like if I said to someone " please don't tell me who you've slept with in the past" I would like him to you know, not say anything? I'm surprised he chose to tel you anway.

[Glitters]

You have more than one problem here. If you don't want to go , don't. I wouldn't put up with this either. Those who are saying , get over it , good riddance to them but its not a rule book to follow.

 

I would never want to see an ex of my partner. Those who keep exes as friends , are in trouble when it comes to serious relationships.

 

You stick to your guns.

[Matt Uchiha]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

 

This is all just to rationalize your behavior. You knew all this yet still chose and still choose to stay with him. Get over it. Sex was sooooooo precious to you yet you chose to have a baby with a man who has had multiple partners in the past. Please....

[kendahke]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

 

This guy isn't the guy you need to be with. At. All.

 

He sounds like he's just marking time with you; he's not at all invested in your relationship.

 

Your reason for being with him sounds more like you have been selling yourself out just to say "I got a man". Don't do that. Your mental/emotional wellbeing should never be sacrificed just to say you got a man. It's far better to be on your own and have peace of mind, peace of heart and peace of home than to continually put yourself through all of this just to be with someone.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

 

A man in love with his lady would usually cut all contact with all other woman he's been with. He'd make no attempt unless he has some unresolved issues like feels he owes someone an apology. But usually once he has moved on to someone he loves, all the rest of the woman he's slept with become ancient history. He certainly wouldn't feel a need to talk about the woman he's slept with and what he's done with them as he KNOWS that's DISRESPECTFUL and MEAN. Plus he wouldn't care. They're in the past and forgotten about. And out of respect for you, he would not mention them because he knows you've been with less and view sex differently. He would want a clean slate with you. Start all over again. View those woman as if he hasn't been with anyone else apart from you.

 

He simply does not love you. He doesn't care about your emotions. The sex you want. Your pleasure ( the fact that he won't put in the effort to make you orgasm) He's even mentioned to you if it wasn't for the baby, he wouldn't stay. That's all the information you need my dear to leave him.

 

Why did he want you to meet some woman that he's slept with in the past? to rub it in your face? like I actually think that's really disrespectful.

 

If he loved you, this thread and your post wouldn't exist. He would choose you over his dark and seedy past and not mention it. Done and dusted and in the past.

I check out if a guy brings up his exes. Some of the guys I've dated don't mention it at all out of respect for me and because they know they don;t matter to him anymore. That's the way it should be.

[crederer]

Tell him exactly what you said in this post.

 

"Yea I know you had a life before me, but I'm not comfortable with hanging out or with you hanging out with a past fling"

[Glass Hut]

So frustrating. There are definitely good guys out there that would love to make you happy. But this is the guy that you (and so many other women) want. No wonder he was with so many other girls and having 3-somes. He's desirable.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

So frustrating. There are definitely good guys out there that would love to make you happy. But this is the guy that you (and so many other women) want. No wonder he was with so many other girls and having 3-somes. He's desirable.

 

He's a jerk!

[The Way I Am]

No, but it won't help it either and won't make me feel any better.

 

Getting to know his best friend and not judging her without knowing her might actually help your relationship considerably.

 

Have you considered that the reason he wants you to meet her might be because that's important to him that his partner be a part of his friend group?

 

Also, I'm not surprised he has sexual issues with you. I'd also have trouble enjoying myself with someone who judged me and my best friend as [promiscuous] and who is only with me because they figure they can't find anyone who's actually good enough for them.

 

This is horrible. You two don't sound right for each other at all.

Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Wewon]

Sorry if this is the wrong section...

 

I've been with my BF for 4 years. Before we met he had quite the sexual history (to me). I told him NOT to tell me who he had been with and how many people. But he felt bad and told me anyway because "he's an honest person and didn't want to keep secrets". He's been with 5x more people than me, more if you include oral hookups and hand pleasure.

 

 

This is all I needed to hear.

 

There are very few times when a person needs to be "honest" that it isn't code for being horribly insensitive. And his behavior all followed from there.

[The Way I Am]

Just like some people believe in only having sex with love, some people believe in sex with honesty.

 

How can you love someone while forcing them to keep a part of who they are a secret from you? To me, that's not real love. That's being in love with who you want that person to be -- not who they really are.

 

Him being honest is no more inconsiderate than telling him to keep his past entirely to himself when he wants to be honest.

 

These are 2 incompatible people who've both made the same mistake of settling for one another.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

It's not whose he's been with and how many but what he's done with them that he decided to share with his GF about.That's selfish. She said don't tell me, he felt guilty...? what the ****???? so he decided to tell her anyway? talk about bragging. If he wanted to share with someone about who he has done it with and what then he should have gone to a therapist or a trusted friend not his girlfriend.

[Gaeta]

Why did I stay with him? Because it's next to impossible to find anyone these days who doesn't sleep around. People these days don't care, they just want to sleep around with anyone. Good for them I guess, some people still view sex as something special, rather than something you hand out to anyone.

 

Of course I'm insecure of our sex life. It doesn't last long, he didn't have that problem before. He use to be with girls who would experiment with anything or have 3-somes. But we just have regular boring quiet sex because that's all I'm comfortable with. He never wants to stay with me after sex, he gets up and goes back to whatever he was doing (or thinks 15 minutes is plenty of time, makes me feel just great). I can't orgasm, never been able to. But he thought it would be good to tell me that he's never had trouble getting a girl to orgasm. So he got to experience that/do that for other women but we dont.

 

He isn't sure if he wants to be with me half the time. Ive asked him recently and the answer I always get is "Im not sure" and if we didn't have our baby he doesnt think we'd be together. It shows, its obvious. He hardly wants to spend time with me, when he does its just sitting on the couch watching tv, on his cell phone. I dont even remember the last time we went on a date, except movies that HE wants to see (we've never seen a movie I want to see).. We've never gone on a real date (like a nice dinner). But he'll jump at the chance to hang out with friends and do things with them. We've been together 4 years and aren't engaged or married, its never even discussed. That's enough to tell he's not sure. Which doesn't make me feel great or secure.

 

Well that changes the story doesn't it.

 

Do yourself a favor. After the holidays ask him to leave and file for child support and alimony if you need it.

 

This man was a mistake from day one. You don't pick a bad man just so you're not alone and on top of that make a child with him.

 

In all honesty what do you think the rest of your life will be with this man?

 

He already has a foot outside the door. Your child won't hold him back for much longer.

[kendahke]

It's not whose he's been with and how many but what he's done with them that he decided to share with his GF about.That's selfish. She said don't tell me, he felt guilty...? what the ****???? so he decided to tell her anyway? talk about bragging. If he wanted to share with someone about who he has done it with and what then he should have gone to a therapist or a trusted friend not his girlfriend.

 

I'm not so sure it's bragging.

 

Say he never told OP about his past with this friend and she went around her and they hit it off as friends. There's OP being the only one in the dark about their past until the day it comes and lands on her head. She'd have grounds for being just as pissed off as she is now because he more or less played her as a fool by keeping this from her.

 

Her boyfriend, while I'm not excusing the other things they've both done which renders his relationship irreparable, at least told her up front what was up with this friend so she was on solid footing before the fact. That's a damn site more honesty than a lot of men extend to their so-called girlfriends.

[Samhain]

I'm not sure why so many people are suggesting she "grows up and goes with him" when she's already been pretty clear that this will make her feel very uncomfortable. So I don't think telling her she's wrong is particularly helpful.

 

There are a multitude of people who would feel uncomfortable in this situation especially when there are different views on the sanctity of sex. Maybe some people would have no issue with it, but others will never be comfortable playing happy with somebody that someone they are in love with had sex with. It conjures up images some people would not want and I think it's pretty level headed of the OP to not want to put herself in this position as she knows what she is and isn't comfortable with, nobody else.

 

It is wrong to label this woman [promiscuous] just for having a sexual relationship with your boyfriend, but really, it sounds like you have a lot of resentment for him too, which needs to be addressed as this issue is only going to be the first of many.

 

I'd imagine that he originally told you about his past girlfriends and all the nitty gritty details (such as threesomes) after you specifically said you didn't wish to hear it, because he enjoys that immature smugness of feeling good that he can make you jealous. Nothing to do with honesty.

 

If we tell somebody we love, who loves us, that we don't wish to do something because it makes us uncomfortable that person would not push or poke or try and force anything, they would go out of their way to make you feel the exact opposite.

Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Hopefully this relationship wont last. Although I doubt you will be able to find someone that hasn't had a sexual past OP, at least find someone that has reformed their 'bad boy ways' and don't feel the absolute need to resurrect that which should be buried and dead by talking about how many people they have slept with, who they've slept with and what they've done things with. Lets put it this way, me personally, I would rather be with a virgin than someone that has slept around in the past. Hands down.

Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote of deleted post redacted and response edited to remove prohibited language.

[William]

Well, let's get back to the thread topic, which appears to be a boyfriend wanting their partner to meet someone he had sex with. I'll review the thread and process out all the off-topic content. Hopefully no one else will get banned.

 

OK, thread processed.

 

A reminder - we've had an individual and group berating policy in place since September 2015 and derogatory language is part of that, definitely relevant to fellow members and also relevant to the subject matter under discussion. If encountering content suspected to violate our guidelines, report it to moderation. Don't discuss it, quote it, continue using it or otherwise propagate it. All this serves to do is make more work for moderation and increases the likelihood of your expulsion from our forums.

Edited December 22, 2015 by William

[The Way I Am]

It's not whose he's been with and how many but what he's done with them that he decided to share with his GF about.That's selfish. She said don't tell me, he felt guilty...? what the ****???? so he decided to tell her anyway? talk about bragging. If he wanted to share with someone about who he has done it with and what then he should have gone to a therapist or a trusted friend not his girlfriend.

 

Bragging isn't necessarily the reason. Imagine you've done something and that your partner absolutely disapproves of and judges people harshly for having done it.

 

Knowing that you've done this thing that your partner despises, would you really feel like your partner loved you? Or would you feel compelled to be honest about who you really are and let them judge you for it?

 

OP's boyfriend told her about the things he's done which she doesn't approve of -- that gave her the chance to leave if she couldn't handle them. But she chose to stay. (Not because she loves him but because she doesn't think she can find anyone worthy of her love. Honestly, I don't think OP even likes her bf.)

 

There are a lot of women who wouldn't care he's had a threesome or that he's slept with 10 women (that's really not a lot if he's over 25).

 

Fact is OP that you're the one who'd have the harder time finding someone compatible. And you can't force someone else to change. So you need to decided if you want to stay in this or go. There's nothing wrong with your views, but they don't mesh with your bf. If you want to stay, you need to make an effort to change things and come around to seeing his POV, getting to know his best friend, and working to get over your sexual insecurities. I think couples counseling would help. Maybe you can both come around to seeing things more from each others POV.

 

If you can't do those things, maybe it's time to find someone who's a better match for you.

Edited December 22, 2015 by The Way I Am