chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Sorry if this is the wrong section... I've been with my BF for 4 years. Before we met he had quite the sexual history (to me). I told him NOT to tell me who he had been with and how many people. But he felt bad and told me anyway because "he's an honest person and didn't want to keep secrets". He's been with 5x more people than me, more if you include oral hookups and hand pleasure. So before we met, at least 4 years ago but possibly a lot longer he had sex with his best friend. It only happened once but I'm sure other stuff happened before that since they always had sleepovers. I've never met her and never wanted to. I don't like her and don't want to know her. Why would I want to meet someone my BF has [had sex with]? But she's having a small get together and my BF wants us to go. I said he can but I'm not. But he's insisting that I go and already told her we're going. I'm not comfortable with it and I'd be miserable to whole time. Am I over reacting? We've been together 4 years, this happened years ago. We have a younh child together (who is also supposed to go, I don't want her touching my kid). She has a long term boyfriend. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 You can say no! You can also tell him it makes you uncomfortable that he wants to go. If he doesn't respect your feelings about it he may not be the right match for you. I don't care if he goes, I just don't want to. I don't love him hanging out with her but have gotten over that. 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You are over reacting. He wants you to meet this friend if you haven't met her before. He'd rather have you there than you be jealous and not trysting him. 2
Author chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 You are over reacting. He wants you to meet this friend if you haven't met her before. He'd rather have you there than you be jealous and not trysting him. I've never met her. I trust him, I don't care if he goes. I'm happy to stay home and do my own thing. I wouldn't be sitting at home in a jealous rage. Me going would put me in a bad mood the whole time.
Matt Uchiha Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) If he didn't invite you or insist you go with him, you would still be here posting about how he didn't invite you or persuade you to go. Get over it. People sleep with each other. If you wanted a virgin for a boyfriend, then you should have picked one. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
Glass Hut Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 It seems really petty not to go to something you're invited to because you don't want to meet someone who has slept with your boyfriend. Is there more to it than that? 4
DoesntGetIt Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You've been together 4 years, and she is a friend of his. Who cares what happened before you two were together? I have exes I hang out with, know and are friends with. Sex doesn't have to be such a taboo thing that you can't face someone your boyfriend slept with before he ever knew you. In the end it comes down to what you're comfortable with, but in my own experience, I've resented girlfriends who have wanted me not to, or have wanted to not hang out in groups I hang out in, because of jealousy. 4
Author chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) If he didn't invite you or insist you go with him, you would still be here posting about how he didn't invite you or persuade you to go. Get over it. People sleep with each other. If you wanted a virgin for a boyfriend, then you should have picked one. No, I wouldn't. He's gone to things she's been at and not invited me. I didn't care, he knew I didn't want to go and he didn't want me there is I wasn't going to have fun. Yes, people sleep together. But I did NOT want to know about it and this is why. I told him not to tell me, and I really meant that. I have no desire to meet someone that hes slept with, I'm not comfortable with it. It took me a long time to get over him telling me how many people he had been with. I don't deal with that well. I don't want to meet her. I don't want to be around someone that has had sex with my boyfriend. It's extremely awkward to me and makes it more real. I've never been in that position before. To me, sex is something special that you share with someone you love. Not something you just throw around because your horny and can't keep your pants on. I'm self-conscious of our sex life, which does not help. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote and some spelling errors
frus69 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I don't want to meet her. I don't want to be around someone that has had sex with my boyfriend. It's extremely awkward to me and makes it more real. I've never been in that position before. To me, sex is something special that you share with someone you love. Not something you just throw around because your horny and can't keep your pants on. I'm self-conscious of our sex life, which does not help. You seem to have problems with her and I din not know why Seems to me your bf is the one having problem here by throwing around sex when horny and can't keep his pants on
Author chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) You seem to have problem with her and I din not know why Seems to me your bf is the one having problem here by throwing around sex when horny and can't keep his pants on My problem with her is that she slept with my bf and I'm uncomfortable with it. I don't want to watch her around him just so I can imagine them together. I don't want to put a face to her. I dont want to know her or talk to her. I want my relationship with him to be kept separate from the [women he's had sex with]. I dont want them or the past in my life. And I'm not keeping my child out passed his bedtime to do something I don't want to do, then deal with him being overtired and not sleeping and grumpy. If he wants to hang out with her, go ahead, but I have no desire to and he wont budge on that. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
acapelo_dp Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) You have the right to not want to meet her, I wouldn't feel comfortable either. You need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel instead of telling him no to the invite. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mightycpa Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Don't go then. What's he going to do? Your attitude is childish, but you have every right to have it and to stick to your guns. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
TunaCat Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) So what, he had sex with her BEFORE you were together. Most people have a past and if you can't deal with that, you need help. So yes you are overreacting. If you love this man, you'll go to the get together with him and your child, meet the ex, and not be a jerk. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Lack of civility and respect 3
Leucine Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) You can of course say no, but you also come across as petty and immature, which is only going to poison your relationship with him. You've never met someone who has done nothing at all wrong to you and could be a perfectly nice person for all you know, but you've decided that you "don't like" her anyway, and even go as far as saying that you don't want her touching your kid, really? I hope that's not the way you're going to raise your children, instilling all your personal complexes into them. You apparently knew what you were getting into with your BF and if it's turning out to be such a big problem for you, then you can only blame yourself and try to get over your insecurities for the sake of your child. Edited December 20, 2015 by Leucine 2
SolG Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I don't want to meet her. I don't want to be around someone that has had sex with my boyfriend. It's extremely awkward to me and makes it more real. I've never been in that position before. To me, sex is something special that you share with someone you love. Not something you just throw around because your horny and can't keep your pants on. I'm self-conscious of our sex life, which does not help. I think that's your problem right there. You sound like you're so insecure about your sex life (or sex in general:-/) that any sex he's ever had with anyone else is threatening to you. This girl--who for all you know could be lovely and a friend to your relationship--is the current target of your fear and insecurity inspired vitriol. You have every right to negotiate boundaries for your relationship. But your reasoning and execution in this case just sounds an ugly and unhelpful way to go about it. 3
Toodaloo Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) My problem with her is that she slept with my bf and I'm uncomfortable with it. I don't want to watch her around him just so I can imagine them together. I don't want to put a face to her. I dont want to know her or talk to her. I want my relationship with him to be kept separate ftom the [women he's had sex with]. I dont want them or the past in my life. And I'm not keeping my child out passed his bedtime to do something I don't want to do, then deal with him being overtired and not sleeping and grumpy. If he wants to hang out with her, go ahead, but I have no desire to and he wont budge on that. OK here is the root of your problem. You assume that every woman he has slept with is [promiscuous]. You were not a virgin before you got together with him... Are you [promiscuous]? No? Well you can't place all these other women in that catagory. Why not forget that he slept with her. They clearly have and it can't have been that great a union of they are still friends yet moving on with other relationships. Instead of winding yourself up into a broo ha ha about this woman why not meet her, as if you know nothing about her at all and get to know her. I am friends with some of my exes new girlfriends and wives. I have been to their weddings and the birthday parties of their children... Difference is that neither of us would think to bring it up in conversation. Its just not something that we think about (at least I assume not as it simply wouldn't occur to me to discuss it after all these years). I actually think your being a bit silly. Its not very grown up and to use your child as an excuse... way below the belt there... way below the belt... tread carefully you may end up loosing more than you think by keeping up this "pretense"... Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote and language. 3
LydiaLong Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I totally understand how you feel. My husband's ex girlfriend is a friend of his family, and occasionally I will have to be in her presence. I HATE it. I HATE being in the same room with someone my husband once loved. I hate being in the same room with someone my husband once f****d. It's demoralizing, and no woman should have to put up with it. It's fine to say 'yeah people sleep together.' I understand that, but I don't want it in my face. 4
Author chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) I totally understand how you feel. My husband's ex girlfriend is a friend of his family, and occasionally I will have to be in her presence. I HATE it. I HATE being in the same room with someone my husband once loved. I hate being in the same room with someone my husband once f****d. It's demoralizing, and no woman should have to put up with it. It's fine to say 'yeah people sleep together.' I understand that, but I don't want it in my face. Thank you. This is how I feel. They were NEVER in a relationship, they just ****ed on the side. So yes, to ME, that is [promiscuous]. I don't care who you are, male OR female, its [promiscuous]. Yes, that applies to my boyfriend as well. Hense why I told him NOT to f'ing tell me. He knew my stance and jealousy on it. Am I [promiscuous]? No, because I've only had any type of sexual intimacy with 2 people, both of whom I was with for 4 years (current bf and previous). I don't like the fact that he shared something so intimate with so many other women, and don't want it thrown in my face. Being around her will make it more real the amount of people he has been with and that he's been with her. And I am not using my child is an excuse not to go. It's just something that makes it worse. So I'm expected to go to a small intimate (like 4 other adults) get together that I absolutely don't want to go to, be miserable the whole time because I'm around her, then have to deal with an extremely grumpy baby because he was up past his bed time (which I'd get no help with because I rarely do) and on top of that be up with him until 4am because he's overtired. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
dads new boyfriend Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I totally understand how you feel. I hate being in the same room with someone my husband once f****d. It's demoralizing, and no woman should have to put up with it. This. OP if he truly respected you then he wouldn't even stay in contact with a girl he slept with.
Author chenot Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 This. OP if he truly respected you then he wouldn't even stay in contact with a girl he slept with. I don't think that's true. I don't expect him to stop talking to every girl he's slept with, I just don't want it thrown in my face. Don't tell me about it and don't make me meet them and we're fine.
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I don't think that's true. I don't expect him to stop talking to every girl he's slept with, I just don't want it thrown in my face. Don't tell me about it and don't make me meet them and we're fine. Your issue is with your boyfriend, not with the women he slept with, hope you see that and seek help. All of your posts are screaming emotional immaturity. If for you sex is sacred than you should have met a man with the same line of thinking. You didn't. You picked a man that slept around, you even chose a man that slept around to father your child. NOW you want to impose on him your righteousness? Please..! 2
Leucine Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Thank you. This is how I feel. <snip> So I'm expected to go to a small intimate (like 4 other adults) get together that I absolutely don't want to go to, be miserable the whole time because I'm around her, then have to deal with an extremely grumpy baby because he was up past his bed time (which I'd get no help with because I rarely do) and on top of that be up with him until 4am because he's overtired. Of course that's how you're going to feel if you go there with the expectation to be miserable, rather than having an open mind and perhaps finding out that she's a lovely person after all. You did give your boyfriend [redacted] a chance, didn't you? From what you're telling us it seems like your boyfriend simply finds it strange that you've never met his best friend after all the time you've been together, and would like to introduce you two. I would find it strange as well, nobody is throwing anything in your face. It's your insecurities speaking. Get to the root of your problem and find help. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote and language. 3
LydiaLong Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Dads, if that comment was directed towards me, my husband does not stay in contact with her. She is a friend of his family and they invite her to things that we go to sometimes. He has zero contact with her.
kendahke Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) You've allowed yourself to feel inferior to her--no one took you by the hand and led you there. You did that to yourself. If this is how you feel, it's best right now to dump the relationship and find a man who has the exact same views of sex, relationships and child-rearing as you do. Here's the thing: this friend of his is a part of his life; and after a while, your constant avoidance of getting your demons in check and meeting her is going to become glaringly obvious to him to the point where it may negatively impact your relationship. No one is saying you have to be her BFF. But you've made her larger than life by being afraid to meet her. I mean, if you don't care and this is about "I am who I am and I'm not going to change", then quietly and contentedly accept the consequences of this mindset when they arrive. You can be right and be alone. You have the opportunity to get a grip on your demons that are causing you to measure your inadequacies with am emotional ruler that is not even fit for this application. You'd be wise to stop doing that. Otherwise, this demon is going to be riding your shoulders doing its damnedest to crush your self-awareness and self-value and no one is going to want to be around that. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Your issue is with your boyfriend, not with the women he slept with, hope you see that and seek help. All of your posts are screaming emotional immaturity. If for you sex is sacred than you should have met a man with the same line of thinking. You didn't. You picked a man that slept around, you even chose a man that slept around to father your child. NOW you want to impose on him your righteousness? Please..! This. By this token, OP, you chose a [promiscuous] boyfriend. Why did you do that? You clearly don't approve of the choices he made in his sexual past. Yet you stayed. I can't understand why you're only branding this woman [promiscuous]. Explain? It sounds like there are bigger problems in your relationship. Your boyfriend wants you to meet her; you don't want to. Okay. But you both need to work on defining appropriate boundaries so that you can both be happy. Also, you mentioned you are insecure about your sex life. In what way? Is one or both of you not so eager these days? I think this is probably bothering you far more than you admit. Are you worried he enjoyed these women more than he enjoys you or something? Also, I would carefully consider your double-standard here. It is baffling to me why you crucify her but seemingly not your boyfriend. [Editorial commentary redacted] Give it some thought, anyway. Edited December 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language 2
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