seems like undying love, could end bad though [updated]

[jerrygordon3]

I had a very intense relationship that was sort of toxic because of communication and I betrayed her trust within the first couple weeks of us dating. We stayed together for a year and the level of love, attraction, chemistry, and comfortability was nothing short of extraordinary. We both conferred it was something we've only shared with each other.

 

After about 8 months we both sort of became unhappy because I kept messing up, and she kept getting crazy about it. She asked me to not watch porn, and i lied constantly about stopping and she would catch me and be really hurt and let down. She and I started fighting a lot and I grabbed her and held her down on multiple occasions. the lying and physical stuff really got to her and she ended up meeting someone at her work. The guy was nice and of course totally gave her the out she was looking for. it was wrong how she left me but we broke up and they dated for two months.

 

She constantly tried to get back with me until we finally did at the end of october after two months. I found out the guy was a druggy, a drunk, and sort of a child. She was very unhappy and very unfulfilled and realized that I was a good, loving, and stable boyfriend. For my few large faults, i do treat her like a queen and go out of my way to constantly show her affection and do things for her. I frequently talk about marriage, and she knows i want a future and I have a goals and a stable career.

 

my question, is it okay that she became unhappy and left me. I feel like this is normal and we both were not happy at the end of our relationship. It did need to end, and Im glad it did. But I was very upset that she met someone. I'm having trouble getting past the things she did. things seem to be going well so far and its been a month since we've been back together.

[TunaCat]

"She and I started fighting a lot and I grabbed her and held her down on multiple occasions. the lying and physical stuff really got to her and she ended up meeting someone at her work. "

 

Are you KIDDING ME?

 

So not only were you a liar, but you are also physically abusive.

 

You sound just charming.

 

*eye roll*

 

Thank goodness she left your relationship. Lying is not normal. Abusing someone is not normal.

 

I'm utterly BAFFLED that she even returned to you. Clearly she needs a boost in self esteem.

 

What are you doing to make sure you never hurt her (emotionally or physically) again?

 

If you aren't getting help for your issues, you will hurt her again.

[jerrygordon3]

i already posted about this girl and issued a response two months ago and the crowd immediately changed in my favor. I'm not asking for advice on abuse, I'm asking for advice on whether or not I should take this girl seriously.

 

let me give my perspective. she is still married, and has always dated druggy, drunks, with dependency issues. she has massive meltdowns and i fear she is bipolar. like texting me hundreds of times and calling twenty times. telling me she will kill herself. threatening to leave me, calling me terrible names, she is verbally abusive and physically abusive, especially when she is drunk. every occasion i grabbed her was after she bashed me or flipped out on me over nothing. she would wind these stories around until they made no sense and i was sitting there arguing for hours. she is just the person who can push that button, so i stopped messing with steroids to make sure i an handle her. still, when she has her meltdowns it is scary. in the end, i never felt like i could make her happy, and for the aforementioned reasons, i UNDERSTAND. I WAS ALSO UNHAPPY. she left me for someone else. but since her return, and just finding out that the gu she was sleeping with got her pregnant, and she just had an aborition, i understand she has been through a lot and she is sort of a wrewkc of a person, and i worry that no matter what happens, she will repeat this pattern. I for one am 100% invested, but she seems to be really hands off this time around. Making it seem like she really just doesn't give a **** like she did before. and its also hard to tell but we haven't been having much sex. of course cause she had an abortion 4 days ago, but even before then she was sort of anti sex. she says its cause of a stressful work week and the fact that I've been pestering her and badgering her about my insecurities. so I've stopped that and she's opened up a lot more, but I just worry that she isn't here because she realized that she's in love with me. she realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side and came back for comfort. which means i will essentially never get anywhere with her. it is also hard because her family knows i got physical with her and now she doesn't want to tell anyone we are back together for the time being.

[jerrygordon3]

the meltdowns and crazy stuff: it only happens occasionally. but sometimes, in the past it lasted for weeks. most times, just a few hours, once a week. usually if she is drinking, which she doesn't do a whole lot of for THAT reason. she has used alcohol as a crutch before.

[joseb]

OP. Not sure I understand the question.

You obviously realise she is a nut. So why would you even consider having anything to do with her?

 

Is this a real post?

[jerrygordon3]

im in love with her. we have a good time together. we love each other and have worked through a lot together. she's a good person. we both have had issues. i understand why she overreacts. because i have lied and stuff.

[lostsoul6486]

My ex had episodes just like the ones you described. They weren't to the extent that she ever told me she wanted to kill herself, but they were bad. She would tell me that she doesn't deserve me and that I was stupid for being with her. She would have meltdowns like this every once in a while in between times she would tell me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. She was also in ****ty relationships before me. I had multiple friends of hers tell me that I was the first legitimately good guy she ever dated. We lasted for almost a year which was her longest relationship. She ended up cheating on me. It was an ugly break up. We did the whole getting back together thing. Didn't work out and definitely don't recommend it. It's most likely for comfort like you said.

 

It's been almost two years since we broke up, she has dated at least three other guys and is engaged to a guy she met earlier this year. I only know this because she felt the need to text me to tell me after being no contact for a long time. Luckily, I had built up the fortitude to just let it be and not make an ass out of myself even though it hurt. After reflection, I'm happy for her if she has indeed overcome her demons even if she's not with me anymore.

 

You're a big step ahead of me because it took me an extremely long time to realize and understand that I was very unhappy in the relationship. I was sacrificing my happiness to try and create hers and I never realized it. That never works. From what you have posted, she is a wreck and she needs to spend time alone to find herself. You seem like you really care about her. Chances are you'll lose her if you let her go, but they're the same if you try to hold on. It's not worth the pain. Trust me.

[joseb]

Unless you want to end up in jail on a domestic violence charge run away from here's fast as you can.

[Downtown]

I'm asking for advice on whether or not I should take this girl seriously.

No, not if she is as emotionally unstable as you say she is. Her perception of you will frequently change dramatically because her feelings are so intense she is convinced they are self-evident "facts."

 

She has massive meltdowns and i fear she is bipolar.

Perhaps she is bipolar. Yet, as I discussed in my Oct 10 post, you are describing the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personalty Disorder) -- not bipolar. This is an important distinction because, whereas bipolar often can be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD is extremely difficult to treat and is untouched by meds.

 

Moreover, whereas a bipolar sufferer typically is a mature adult, a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a 4 year old. Hence, if your GF has strong untreated BPD traits, the best you can hope for is a parent/child relationship, not a BF/GF relationship. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my post on 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

[jerrygordon3]

i found her car parked in front of the guys house she was seeing when her and I were on a break. The guy who got her pregnant, and she recently aborted their child. i called her repeatedly and finally heard from her at 7 am. i asked her about it and she came clean. she said he came into work and begged her to come over, they stayed up late arguing and she fell asleep. I call bull****. I know she can't have sex cause she just had an abortion but still.... I asked her if she was in love with me and wanted to end things with this guy and she said yes but she just had an abortion and I don't deserve to be hurt like she hurt me last night. I don't know what to do. I was up all night and very heartbroken. even if nothing did happen she still made me feel like i had been a lot to deal with lately. which is bull**** because I'm a good person and have been nothing but good to her. I know if i left her she would chase me down again cause she always does. I don't know what to think anymore. She said she wants a future with me but her actions last night are making me think she isn't over this guy. I told her that she needed to end things with this guy or I can't be with her and she needs to respect that. if she isn;t willing to do it then it isn't fair to me and she needs to let me know so I can walk away.

[joseb]

OP, tell me. What would this girl have to do in order for you to see what she is and realise whatever you feel for her is not love?

Physically attack you? Get pregnant by another man. Keep seeing this man? Oh wait. She did all that already.....

[basil67]

iwhich is bull**** because I'm a good person and have been nothing but good to her.

 

Hate to break it to you, but good people aren't liars who are physically and emotionally abusive. You are NOT a good person.

 

Yes, I know that she did a lot of appalling stuff too - but this does not make it OK to do the same thing in return. If someone treats you appallingly, you walk away. Press charges if you need to. But don't try and use their behaviour to justify your own.

 

As for you moving on or not. Just do it. Take yourself away from her toxic behaviour. And get counselling for your own toxic behaviour.

[jerrygordon3]

It wasn't always like this. She keeps saying she wants to only be with me. I understand why she has reservations but she keeps saying she wants to only be with me and she ended things with this guy. But I don't understand. I think back to when we were breaking up and I know she slept with him within a week of us breaking up. Ya we were doing bad and I get it, but she's back with me now. And even though she found out she was pregnant I don't understand cheating on me. She said is will never happen again but I just don't know!! She's said that before now. Im thinking that she just doesnt know what she wants and is trying to figure it out but cheated. And I want to be with her and get back to the relationship we had before. I was involved with her family and daughter. But now I'm wondering if she is just not taking me seriously and isn't going to be faithful ever!!! She was faithful before... But now.. Wtf!!! She's turned into a Chester!! She swears never again buy **** idk

[Redhead14]

I had a very intense relationship that was sort of toxic because of communication and I betrayed her trust within the first couple weeks of us dating. We stayed together for a year and the level of love, attraction, chemistry, and comfortability was nothing short of extraordinary. We both conferred it was something we've only shared with each other.

 

After about 8 months we both sort of became unhappy because I kept messing up, and she kept getting crazy about it. She asked me to not watch porn, and i lied constantly about stopping and she would catch me and be really hurt and let down. She and I started fighting a lot and I grabbed her and held her down on multiple occasions. the lying and physical stuff really got to her and she ended up meeting someone at her work. The guy was nice and of course totally gave her the out she was looking for. it was wrong how she left me but we broke up and they dated for two months.

 

She constantly tried to get back with me until we finally did at the end of october after two months. I found out the guy was a druggy, a drunk, and sort of a child. She was very unhappy and very unfulfilled and realized that I was a good, loving, and stable boyfriend. For my few large faults, i do treat her like a queen and go out of my way to constantly show her affection and do things for her. I frequently talk about marriage, and she knows i want a future and I have a goals and a stable career.

 

my question, is it okay that she became unhappy and left me. I feel like this is normal and we both were not happy at the end of our relationship. It did need to end, and Im glad it did. But I was very upset that she met someone. I'm having trouble getting past the things she did. things seem to be going well so far and its been a month since we've been back together.

 

"should I take this seriously" -- NO.

 

sort of toxic

 

I betrayed her trust within the first couple weeks

 

we both sort of became unhappy

 

She and I started fighting a lot

I grabbed her and held her down on multiple occasions. the lying and physical stuff really got to her

 

my few large faults

 

I'm having trouble getting past the things she did -- Seriously? You physically attacked her

 

is it okay that she became unhappy and left me -- of course, it's ok.

 

She should have broken up with you before "finding" someone else, but that's bridge you can't uncross.

 

She came back to you because even though she found someone new who was treating her better, she somehow feels like she deserves a toxic relationship. And, so do you for some reason.

 

I'm having trouble getting past the things she did -- you would be better served to get past the things you did . . . you can't fix her, but you can . . .

[BlueIris]

....i want a future and I have a goals and a stable career.

 

OP, stop interacting with her and start counseling. You’re going to live the rest of your life with yourself, so address your violence and your marginalization of your own behavior.

[smackie9]

Very hurt people do rash things, because they are not emotionally stable. She was a hurting hot mess, and the guy at work was an escape. If she wasn't a bundle of mess, she would have just dumped you proper. It's called a rebound and people do it all the time. You are just butt hurt because she found someone and you didn't....like she got the better or you. That just shows your ego has the better of you not her, and you need to see it for what it is and move on.

[Satu]

OP, tell me. What would this girl have to do in order for you to see what she is and realise whatever you feel for her is not love?

Physically attack you? Get pregnant by another man. Keep seeing this man? Oh wait. She did all that already.....

 

This isn't love, as you point out.

 

It's a dysfunctional attachment, based on a perceived need.

 

Time for therapy.

 

Time to find out what love is.

[jerrygordon3]

So, my ex??? I guess. she cheated on me with someone multiple times. I stayed with her and she then said she was sorry but with this history of our relationship she was confused and didn't know what she wanted anymore and that she needed time to figure things out. I checked out emotionally really fast at that point and immediately met someone else. Over the span of one day she suddenly wasn't "confused" anymore and we spent a day together and hooked up. Then that night, I blew off my plans with her and went and spent the night with this new girl I have been talking to.

 

When I woke up I had all these really heart felt texts from my recent ex professing her love saying she only wanted me. I called her and told her I started seeing someone else and reminded her, that she had cheated and said she didn't know what she wanted, and that I had informed her I'm looking for a commitment and was going to find someone who was willing to give it to me. Now the ex is pissed? I'm sort of blown away.

 

This morning she sobbed for an hour on the phone with me and then all day today was a total bitch about it. I am so fed up with the drama. I feel bad, but don't think that i should. I told her if she wanted a commitment from me then she needed to sort her **** out and be ready and she said, i did last night. okay so I waited for a month and put up with you cheating on me and then suddenly in one day you lose your **** cause you're feeling insecure and can't stand the thought of me meeting someone else.

Edited December 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[Tayla]

close the door. There is zero positives in negotiating with her.

[Blanco]

You wouldn't still be talking to this person if you were fed up with the drama.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Now she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. Moving on will make you much happier in the long run.

[jerrygordon3]

So, my gf cheated on me multiple times. Then told me she wanted to be with only me. I met someone and cheated on her while my gf sat at home crying.

now she says she doesn't know if she wants to keep seeing me exclusively. Now she doesn't want me to talk to this new girl anymore, but hasn't said anything along the lines of wanting to be in a committed relationship. She is hurt that I don't think I did anything wrong. I warned her that I was going to meet someone else if she kept cheating on me, so i did.

 

am I wrong?

[Redfisher]

I'm not touching this with a 10 foot cheaters pole.....Good luck.

[TheTraveler]

So, my gf cheated on me multiple times. Then told me she wanted to be with only me. I met someone and cheated on her while my gf sat at home crying.

now she says she doesn't know if she wants to keep seeing me exclusively. Now she doesn't want me to talk to this new girl anymore, but hasn't said anything along the lines of wanting to be in a committed relationship. She is hurt that I don't think I did anything wrong. I warned her that I was going to meet someone else if she kept cheating on me, so i did.

 

am I wrong?

 

You should end the relationship and move on

[GSFan1]

Looking through your post history

 

 

You really just need to end it ASAP