Guilt, confusion, sadness

[cupcakebunny]

I agree and I am going to sound harsh here, but people like the OP should not be entering into long term relationships, let alone discuss marriage ...as obviously they are completely out out of touch with their own feelings and emotions, and have no clue what the emotional ramifications of what this disconnection from themselves and what they want can do to another human being.

 

I mean .... to believe you are in love with someone, be sure of that, be sure you wish to marry that person....push for it, encourage that person to look at rings ......to waking up and realizing you neither feel nor want any of those things, is nothing short of sociopathic IMO.

 

Yes that is harsh, but that is how I feel about it.

 

People like the OP, with no empathy, no regard or even awareness of the emotional damage they can do to another person with whom they shared years of their life, should not be dating....or stick to casual dating or FWB, as they are completely out of touch with themselves and their feelings/emotions and are therefore dangerous to society IMO.

 

Good luck.

Not sociopathic. Normal.

 

 

This is a huge forum and only a miniscule sample size of all the people in the world that have gone through terrible breakups. Read through them -- people leave relationships all the time. They leave because abuse, they found someone that made them happier, or the people just grew apart after 5-10 years. How is leaving a relationship because when you sat down and thought about you could not see yourself with a person for 40 years, sociopathic. He left before a ring was purchased! There wasn't even a wedding date.

 

 

Why would you want to marry someone you don't love? Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't love you???!! You know what really sucks? divorce. With kids. And splitting your finances. And that nagging thought that the other person knew years ago they weren't going to be happy.

 

 

He has a right to his guilt. She has a right to her anger. But this **** happens. People move on. Grow up. And find someone they can picture themselves with long term.

 

 

None of that is sociopathic. It just happens. Most people don't get through this life without one serious relationship falling to pieces. When it does, you hurt. Get over it. Learn from your mistakes. And find someone better.

[katiegrl]

Not sociopathic. Normal.

 

 

This is a huge forum and only a miniscule sample size of all the people in the world that have gone through terrible breakups. Read through them -- people leave relationships all the time. They leave because abuse, they found someone that made them happier, or the people just grew apart after 5-10 years. How is leaving a relationship because when you sat down and thought about you could not see yourself with a person for 40 years, sociopathic. He left before a ring was purchased! There wasn't even a wedding date.

 

 

Why would you want to marry someone you don't love? Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't love you???!! You know what really sucks? divorce. With kids. And splitting your finances. And that nagging thought that the other person knew years ago they weren't going to be happy.

 

 

He has a right to his guilt. She has a right to her anger. But this **** happens. People move on. Grow up. And find someone they can picture themselves with long term.

 

 

None of that is sociopathic. It just happens. Most people don't get through this life without one serious relationship falling to pieces. When it does, you hurt. Get over it. Learn from your mistakes. And find someone better.

 

Fair enough.... and yeah I agree, sociopath was a bit over the top (sorry 'bout that)....

 

However, I still think people need to think things through all the way before agreeing to embark on such a huge commitment.

 

Because while I realize that everyone is entitled to change their mind and feelings, and obviously it is better to realize prior to marriage that you don't love nor wish to marry your s/o...

 

To do a 180 like this.....literally overnight, after being so sure he loved his girlfriend .... pushing for marriage, and encouraging her to go look at rings.... is a bit beyond the pale IMO....and warrants the OP and others like him to, at the very minimum, explore their fears.... so this does not become a pattern, leaving confusion, anger and a bunch of broken hearts in his wake.

 

JMO...as I am going through a break up myself....not due anything like this.... but devastating in its own right.

 

Unlike Andy though, I won't be wallowing or feeling sorry for myself.... I pick myself up and carry on...

 

I do feel badly for Andy though, as chronic depression is very real for many people... and thus picking up and carrying on is easier said than done (for such people).... so I empathize with him in that regard....even though I myself am not one of these people.

 

Good luck Andy... wish you the best.

 

Hugs

Edited December 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[AndyMovingOn]

mightycpa Oh boy just because I didn't write in details about my situation with her you simply jump into a conclusion that I am a selfish person but she isn't. You have no idea how much I helped her in life and committed to her when we were living together and what she did after the breakup.

 

 

As a matter of fact I actually can understand her struggles before coming with this decision and I still had some respect to her, until she started her new rebound relationship within a month just after our breakup and showing off all the photos with her new bf in Facebook, rubbing it in my face.

 

 

Yes of course she is free to choose whoever she wants to be with after our breakup, but why would she wants to rub it in my face while just a few weeks ago she said she felt sorry for hurting me? It makes me feel like she is so fake and I have lost all my respect to her already.

 

 

Yes she isn't obliged to be with me forever, she is has all the freedom to leave me, and I cannot 'imprison' her just because I love her... which is why I didn't take on revenge or stuff like that on her. I did beg her for a week but that's it, I still left gracefully and do all the recovery on my own.

 

 

But look, we are not talking about what is legally right or wrong here. By your logic if it is not legally wrong then we can just do whatever the f*** we want to do, right? I can talk bad behind people who I don't like because it's not legally wrong? I can go around having sex with girls and the next day I tell them 'Sorry, I lost feeling for you already' and that will not put me into prison either, right?

 

 

Nobody is gonna be jailed for being selfish... yes I'm not 3 years old kid and I know that.

 

 

Just because it is "technically right" to do something (which might be hurtful to the others) so you will go ahead and just do it just for your own sake? Do you know what is 'integrity'?

 

 

 

 

Am I a self-centered and clingy person as what you described? Although I did beg her to reconsider the decision again but after two weeks I completely left her alone and started the NC until today. She did take the initiative to text me when I started the NC and I just replied her very briefly. See? You are assuming too many things while you have no idea about my situation at all, and guess what there are still more to it.

[AndyMovingOn]

katiegrl Hi. Actually all the devastating feeling that I described earlier was with me about 1 month ago, and I did pick myself up and continue with my own working and social life after that. I am not completely over her yet but I am feeling better now (and no longer have that suicidal thought).

 

 

When people are fine (with complete soul) they have all these logical thinking and they can understand and deal with the negativity. But you don't blame those who have depression that "Why are you so depressed?", "Why you cannot think rationally?", "You know you are disappointing your parents this way?", "Man the f*** up!"... I mean if depression is something that can be easily 'treated' by rational thinking alone then we wouldn't see so many people went for a suicide and we wouldn't need psychology professionals in this world, right?

[wow123]

OKay, so he thought he knew what he wanted. Told her to go ring shopping. When it became real, he changed his mind. He's human. Better now than after he gives her the ring. Or even worse, after the marriage.

[katiegrl]

katiegrl Hi. Actually all the devastating feeling that I described earlier was with me about 1 month ago, and I did pick myself up and continue with my own working and social life after that. I am not completely over her yet but I am feeling better now (and no longer have that suicidal thought).

 

 

When people are fine (with complete soul) they have all these logical thinking and they can understand and deal with the negativity. But you don't blame those who have depression that "Why are you so depressed?", "Why you cannot think rationally?", "You know you are disappointing your parents this way?", "Man the f*** up!"... I mean if depression is something that can be easily 'treated' by rational thinking alone then we wouldn't see so many people went for a suicide and we wouldn't need psychology professionals in this world, right?

 

Right! But many people don't understand chronic depression.... so try not to take what they say too much to heart.... mental illness is a very much misunderstood disease.

 

I am glad you are feeling better (no longer suicidal), and please try to enjoy your holidays.

 

It WILL get better, I promise, we have all been through it (breaks up)....going through a break up myself right now.

 

We survive and become stronger as a result.

 

Please hug your parents and tell them you will be okay... I am sure they are very worried about you..

 

Take care and happy holidays!

[katiegrl]

OKay, so he thought he knew what he wanted. Told her to go ring shopping. When it became real, he changed his mind. He's human. Better now than after he gives her the ring. Or even worse, after the marriage.

 

When it became real? So what are you suggesting, that he was living in a fantasy for five years?

 

That's a problem IMO....

 

People living in a fantasy ...making promises based on that fantasy, and then when things become "real"... doing a complete 180 ...causing confusion, anger, and in some cases devastating their partner, for whom things *were* real the entire time.

 

Not trying to rag on the OP really I'm not.

 

There are many people living in a fantasy and then when things get *real*, they turn off, pull back and/or run.

 

Their behavior is fear based, and the reality scares them. So they create their own vision of the relationship (the fantasy) ....and can live in that fantasy for years, until such time (like her looking at rings at HIS suggestion) ..... reality kicks them in the butt...after which they are unable to deal, turn off and run.

 

All I am suggesting is that the OP at least explore this as a possibility....so like I said earlier it does not become a pattern.

 

Five years is a long time to live in a fantasy.

 

If this 180 had not happened so quickly after the ring shopping ....then I might have a different opinion, but the fact it was pretty much immediately thereafter, causes me to believe it was fear based.....the fear being the *reality* of forever-after ....which he should have thought through *before* telling her he was *sure* he wanted to marry her.... and encouraging her to look at rings.

 

Again JMO as always.

Edited December 23, 2015 by katiegrl

[AndyMovingOn]

katiegrl Thank you Katie. I was not really in chronic depression stage, not that serious anyway. I was just unable to function normally for a couple of weeks.

 

 

I am ok now, and I have gathered with my parents for many times since that day (I'm working in other state currently) and they know I am getting better and I'm not going to suicide now. So no worries about that. They know I was just going through a very tough emotional storm.

 

 

I have landed a job as an engineer in a MNC not long ago and I am about to finish my Masters degree in a few months later. I even have activities with my group of friends to hang out on Christmas holiday already. Everything is getting back on track again although I still have to deal with the leftover emotional trauma.

 

 

Happy holidays to you too by the way.

Edited December 23, 2015 by AndyMovingOn

[lemondrop21]

You did a really tough thing that was the right thing to do. So many people would just go through with it and then regret it years later into the marriage.

 

You should be excited over your wedding. Yes, the butterflies in your stomach will fade in time and your love will settle into something different, but you should have a little "high" period surrounding the engagement and wedding, I think. I don't speak from personal experience as I haven't yet been engaged, but I did break off a relationship at around this point as well. As committed as we were to each other, and as much as we worked on the relationship, I just did not want to marry him.

 

Working through a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" really helped me in confirming that I did the right thing, and it's possible it would help you too. Sometimes, something is broken in a relationship but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is, so we rely on our gut. Once we can name what's broken, and determine whether it's "fixable" or if we are truly incompatible, then it's easier to come to terms with a decision to move on.

 

Best of luck to you, I can tell you're a good guy and will find happiness and peace someday.

[katiegrl]

You know, I am wondering if the OP did do the right thing by ending it.

 

Sounds like he had a total knee jerk reaction to her looking at the rings, freaked out and acted hastily by breaking up with her.

 

I mean it's just not rational behavior to one day being in love with your girlfriend and being sure you want to marry her, and the next day being sure you don't.

 

And what ends up happening in so many of these situations...where the guy (or girl) have a sudden freak out when things get "real," is.... they end the RL, and then once they get their "space".... the fear goes away and they start missing the one they just left!

 

Then they suddenly regret ending the RL and try everything they can to get that person back!

 

Sooooo many times I have seen this.

 

I have one friend who went back and forth with her boyfriend for SEVEN years! He would freak out, break up with her, get space, then miss her, want her back, she would take him back and the whole cycle would begin all over again!

 

We have not heard back from the OP in several days... I am wondering if this is precisely what is happening.

[Itspointless]

And what ends up happening in so many of these situations...where the guy (or girl) have a sudden freak out when things get "real," is.... they end the RL, and then once they get their "space".... the fear goes away and they start missing the one they just left!

 

Then they suddenly regret ending the RL and try everything they can to get that person back!

 

Sooooo many times I have seen this.

 

I have one friend who went back and forth with her boyfriend for SEVEN years! He would freak out, break up with her, get space, then miss her, want her back, she would take him back and the whole cycle would begin all over again!

 

We have not heard back from the OP in several days... I am wondering if this is precisely what is happening.

Me too, as I wrote earlier.

You also are not the first one with sudden regret. Usually it goes something along the lines of, oh buy, now I am stuck with her. And when she (or he) is disposed. I boy now I cannot have her, but she was so much better than the rest. The second typed described here always wants to have what it does not have and over-romantizes that.

[LostRicky]

OP here.

 

I didn't suddenly decide to break up. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was ever sure it was the right relationship. That seems crazy that it could go on for years with me not being sure, but I was generally happy andmthought she was great and maybe just didn't know what kind of "sure thing" I was looking for. None of this was obvious to me until a couple weeks before I ended it. I went back and forth it my head for months after she looked at rings before I ended it. I didn't tell her this, as I felt it was my own lack of feelings, not a relationship issue to be worked out together. That was definitely selfish but maybe not incorrect.

 

Since we broke up I have definitely missed her, although I also haven't felt like OMG this was it why was I so stupid! I am hoping that I am missing her because she was a great girl and this is a transitional period, not because this is the one that got away. Missing having a companion but not her specifically?

 

I wasn't afraid to get married, I would get married if I felt more confident than I did. I just didn't think she was the right one. Not sure I can ever know for sure but I still feel that same general feeling: great girl, but maybe just not for me.

 

My guilt comes from somehow not realizing all this sooner and from letting things get as far as they did. It feels horrible to have done something that caused so much pain.

 

I guess I can't do anything about the pain, but I am hoping this was the right call in the end. The fact that I have yet to totally freak out and feel like I want her back no matter what leads me to believe maybe it was.

[katiegrl]

OP here.

 

I didn't suddenly decide to break up. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was ever sure it was the right relationship. That seems crazy that it could go on for years with me not being sure, but I was generally happy andmthought she was great and maybe just didn't know what kind of "sure thing" I was looking for. None of this was obvious to me until a couple weeks before I ended it. I went back and forth it my head for months after she looked at rings before I ended it. I didn't tell her this, as I felt it was my own lack of feelings, not a relationship issue to be worked out together. That was definitely selfish but maybe not incorrect.

 

Since we broke up I have definitely missed her, although I also haven't felt like OMG this was it why was I so stupid! I am hoping that I am missing her because she was a great girl and this is a transitional period, not because this is the one that got away. Missing having a companion but not her specifically?

 

I wasn't afraid to get married, I would get married if I felt more confident than I did. I just didn't think she was the right one. Not sure I can ever know for sure but I still feel that same general feeling: great girl, but maybe just not for me.

 

My guilt comes from somehow not realizing all this sooner and from letting things get as far as they did. It feels horrible to have done something that caused so much pain.

 

I guess I can't do anything about the pain, but I am hoping this was the right call in the end. The fact that I have yet to totally freak out and feel like I want her back no matter what leads me to believe maybe it was.

 

Thanks for returning...and for clarifying.

 

This makes much more sense now....much more than your first few posts.

 

We all makes mistakes and in retrospect, think "oh I should have done this or that,".. all we can do is learn from our mistakes and make efforts to never repeat.

 

This was a doozie but life goes on and she WILL get over it.... you will too (the guilt).

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much about it.... in the end you did the right thing.

 

It's a tough time of year for break ups.... I just ended my six year RL as well (see my thread).

 

Try and have happy holidays.... and wish you the best for 2016!

[NoLeafClover]

How the f do you string along someone for 5 yrs...ask her to marry you and then..pull the plug with "sorry wasted your time, take care"

 

Maybe I am missing a lot from your post but im also feeling like you are all over the place. In a way, you are not even sure what you are asking and what you want.

 

How would you feel if someone did this to you though. The worse part being on the other side is not losing someone ..but the fear that the next partner will pull this again thus she might not even fully trust the person she will be with next.

 

What a messed up situation..and seriously stop being so selfish..I don't care people will say you should care about yourself and what you did is normal...but it is really not normal.

 

I feel bad, I feel bad she has to take this heartbreak. It is truly the ultimate betrayal next to walking in on your lover.

 

Honestly I think you should leave her alone and let her find someone who will want to be with her more than you did.

 

Sorry I don't have any positive things to say. At the end you are only trying to release your guilt and that also falls under the selfish category.

Edited December 24, 2015 by NoLeafClover

[luvflower]

OP, I empathize with you in some ways.other ways I don't. I broke up with my ex-fiance after he proposed,I accepted and all. I've been feeling some guilt too but the guilt quickly subsides when I really think about why I broke up with him.

 

Sometimes we dumpers don't tell the whole story. Did she do anything to make you upset??? Otherwise, I'm confused as to why you're asking us what you should do. You should be all over her if its not too late and if you really still want to be with her.it sounds like you do but you'd need to do lots of @ss kissing to get her back after this ,I'm almost POSITIVE!

 

(that's a thought for my recent thread...)

 

Anyhoo, let us know how things go. If you know you don't love her enough then there's not need to get feedback in here. But what you did would've crushed anybody .you just gotta be really honest with yourself at this point.

[luvflower]

How the f do you string along someone for 5 yrs...ask her to marry you and then..pull the plug with "sorry wasted your time, take care"

 

Maybe I am missing a lot from your post but im also feeling like you are all over the place. In a way, you are not even sure what you are asking and what you want.

 

How would you feel if someone did this to you though. The worse part being on the other side is not losing someone ..but the fear that the next partner will pull this again thus she might not even fully trust the person she will be with next.

 

Lol, my same thoughts.

 

But in addition, I feel like OP is withholding something she may have done to hurt him ...something that is embarrassing almost. Otherwise, I'm truly confused as to why the post of this thread.

 

Even if we help ease your guilt, then what? People feel guilty when they actually care about her. You do seem to actually care&love her and I think that's what confuses me...why would you string her along,as Noleafclover just mentioned. Did she give you money? Were you trying to use her personal info for identity theft? Are you a con-artist? Of course you wouldn't be open about that but those are questions that pop up about your situation.

[LostRicky]

Lol, my same thoughts.

 

But in addition, I feel like OP is withholding something she may have done to hurt him ...something that is embarrassing almost. Otherwise, I'm truly confused as to why the post of this thread.

 

Even if we help

 

No I am not any of those things. Not witholding anything I don't believe.

 

I'm not sure I strung her along. I really felt like I wanted to be with her - and I wanted TO want to marry her. I was happy, she was great, thought that's all you needed. In the end, I didn't confidently see her in my future. I wasnt sure, and i want to be sure.

 

I certainly did not think "she's not it, but this is fun so I guess I'll keep it going." I didn't know what "it" was and I was happy.

 

I definitely didn't see it coming down like it did, but with more introspection and honesty I guess I could have.

[katiegrl]

Lol, my same thoughts.

 

But in addition, I feel like OP is withholding something she may have done to hurt him ...something that is embarrassing almost. Otherwise, I'm truly confused as to why the post of this thread.

 

Even if we help

 

No I am not any of those things. Not witholding anything I don't believe.

 

I'm not sure I strung her along. I really felt like I wanted to be with her - and I wanted TO want to marry her. I was happy, she was great, thought that's all you needed. In the end, I didn't confidently see her in my future. I wasnt sure, and i want to be sure.

 

I certainly did not think "she's not it, but this is fun so I guess I'll keep it going." I didn't know what "it" was and I was happy.

 

I definitely didn't see it coming down like it did, but with more introspection and honesty I guess I could have.

 

Ricky...was she your first serious long term relationship?

 

If not, how long did your previous LTR last, and why did it end? Did you end it? Why?

 

Did you feel you were in love with any of your previous girlfriends?

 

Reason I ask is cause there have been several of these same types of threads from guys (and girls re their boyfriends)....before, and it always seemed like as soon as the relationship was heading to the next level, they would suddenly get turned off and want to break up.

 

Questioning their feelings, etc.

 

Of the women they *did* fall in love with (and claimed they *could* marry)..., all of them presented some sort of challenge..either they weren't into him, had a boyfriend, had mental issues, etc all of which prevented marriage or even a healthy LTR from developing. I always thought this was really interesting!

 

To me, and what I have learned about "commitment-phobia"... this indicates serious issues with commitment, although they did not seem to think so. But when it becomes a pattern, it is pretty obvious that this is precisely what was happening with these guys.

 

So just wondering what your history/story is.

Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl