unluckie Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) I know this is a little out there but I could really, really do with some input. I think my love interest is either gay - and when it comes to it can't bear the thought of going through with it with a girl, or is a virgin (pretty sure this is the case regardless of whether he is gay or not) and doesn't know how to move it forward. I have had a long time, good male friend for 9 years. We had a group of friends in the beginning, but he drifted away from them when he went to college but stayed in touch with me. The staying in touch back then was pretty much initiated by him as I had my own life going. It wasn't often, maybe a couple times a year. In fact I used to think it was a little weird. When he graduated he got an awesome job and moved away. Here the linking with me got more frequent and this is when he completely dropped the other friends in the gang. Over the years now we have developed a close friendship, visiting each other, talking late into the night and stuff like that. Altho we don't get to see each other a lot because of distance. I would say initiating the talks and the visits have been 90 % him 10 % me over the years - though recently it's been more like 50/50 and the last time I had to remind him to see me when he came to town. Lately we even went on holiday together alone (6 months ago). I now have romantic feelings for him. It's been growing for 2 years. It was only after the holiday when it really happened for me, which, ironically is when he stopped the initiating. He still does it but like 50 to 60 % of the time rather than the 90 % it used to be. Sometimes I think he likes me. He puts extra effort into things he does for me. When we're out, the way we pay for stuff is like we're a couple, not the friend splitting things kind of way. I can't explain it, it's like it feels like he's not just a friend - like we're a unit or something. Other times, recently, I think he really doesn't like me AT ALL. During the holiday he would walk away from me, walk ahead, do random stuff, say provocative things that was almost like he was deliberatly pushing me away. He did hint - a year ago - asking if I was happy being single or if I was looking to change that. I told him I was happy being single - but this is months before this holiday where he was acting all weird. He has never ever told me about a girlfriend, he vaguely mentioned one once in college days but since then never. To me that seems strange, why would a good looking man with an amazing education and job never have had girlfriend as such? He is super confident, has loads of friends, is a sports freak, was a legendary part of the most popular college group, has a job where you need to be able to schmooze and attend massive events and keeps getting promoted (so he must know how to schmooze a room). In spite of all of this, unless he's got a complete double life going, I would lay a ton of money on him being a virgin. Til about 4 years ago I used to think he was gay. My mom has never met him but recently sat me down and told me that it's not normal for a guy to stay so in touch with a woman and never make a move, unless he is either unsure of his sexuality or gay. He definitely has moments when he is camp, but I know enough camp guys to know that is no indicator of whether someone is gay. I have brought the subject up in a roundabout way (years ago) and his response was crystal clear 'I'm not gay' he said. He also has mentioned to me a couple of years ago that he'd like a wife and kids. His line is 1000% that he is not gay. However, I'm not sure I believe this. He comes from an orthodox Jewish family where it is not ok to be gay. His first cousin in gay and while he is very much part of the family and loved, it is expected to be kept unsaid - his gay life with his partner is not to be a part of the family life. Kind of like a weird open secret that nobody talks about. My friend and his sisters and other cousins know openly and hang with this cousin and the boyfriend all the time, but the older generation don't want to know. The reason I brought this up, is that this would be a reason as to why it would be weird for him to gay. His parents would never accept it. They would probably put up him living in a different city with a 'secret' life, but a male partner would never ever be part of the family. I sometimes wonder if a major reason he has "hung on to me", is that he is gay but feels that he may have to get married and I am potential partner material because I'm of the same umbrella faith as him - we are from different branches (plus I'm an atheist) but the fact that we share the same umbrella faith background would make me acceptable to his parents. I do know I am literally the only Jewish friend he has. So is it either, when it comes to it, like when we were on holiday, he can't physically make the move because he just doesn't like girls. Or that he just can't make the move because he is (probably) a virgin and inexperience X a long time friend is quite sassy and opinionated (me) = paralysis and inability to pull the moves? Edited December 19, 2015 by unluckie
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 There is another option which you may not have considered, he may not be romantically interested in you. Clearly you are good friends, but it doesn't sound like anything more than that from what you have described. At the end of the day I think that is the more relevant than his sexuality or possible inexperience. If this is going to continue to play on your mind then perhaps you should tell him how you feel about him. Find out how he feels so you can either take things to the next level or put your questions aside and support him as a good friend.
basil67 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Another option could be that he's really choosy about who he dates
xcupid Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Perhaps he sees you only as a friend and not as a love interest.
ZA Dater Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Perhaps he has just been disappointed so many times he doesn't bother pursuing anyone at all.
TunaCat Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Or maybe he just doesn't have any interest in dating right now. Just because he has not had a girlfriend does not mean he's gay or a virgin. It just may not be a priority for him.
Author unluckie Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 I am pretty darn sure he's a virgin (and is almost 30). And I know for a fact he's never had a girlfriend (except for one possibly in college for a couple of months) I guess I'm wondering why an otherwise successful sociable guy with a great life would be unable to pull the moves on a girl? It's either he's gay and struggling with it, or just hasn't been able to get girls in the past and this has spiraled to what it is now.
ZA Dater Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 or just hasn't been able to get girls in the past and this has spiraled to what it is now. My guess would be that its the above. Eventually even apparently successful people give up trying when the result is always the same. One thing I learnt is we truly don't know what people are thinking, on the outside all may be well but that me not represent what is going on in his mind.
road Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You what is better then guessing? Knowing. So ask does he like girls, because this girl (you) sees him as husband material and wants to know does he see her as wife material.
Author unluckie Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 You what is better then guessing? Knowing. So ask does he like girls, because this girl (you) sees him as husband material and wants to know does he see her as wife material. I have thought about asking him straight up. But would that make him freak out? If I just came out with 'Do you have romantic feelings for me?' But the main reason is I'm pretty inexperienced myself :eek: Not as much as him but still. It would totally freak me out to have to say something. I have in the past thought this is it I'm going to say something today. But somehow when it comes to it I never can get the words out. Especially since I've got this sassy, over confident persona and hate to show vulnerability. He would probably think me saying something like that would be a bit weird and out of character.
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 There are guys out there that have such anxiety about sex, it totally prevents them from making "a move". I know such person. He's a good looking guy, a world traveler, and smart. We have had conversations about his experiences. He just can't seem to do the deed. He has had the "are you gay?" or "you are a virgin aren't you?" He hates that the girls can detect is so easily. This is a guy that has bungee jumped off a bridge, backpacked all over South America, Australia, China, etc. He has np taking himself out of his comfort zone except when it comes to sex. It's crazy. I feel what it would take to get your friend to come clean, is for you to be assertive, but in a way that will assure him he will be safe and comfortable talking about it. Take him by the hand, look into his eyes and say that there is something that you have been meaning to say. It's been __years since I have known you, and lately I feel was have gotten very close and comfortable with each other. I can't figure you out, so this is going to be difficult for me. I just wanted you to know I really care about you and question if you feel the same way. We have been spending a lot of time together and I was wondering if you are wanting to make this more than a friendship. Honesty is all I ask for and just to let you know that what is discussed here today will not be repeated to anyone (except us here hehe).
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