steenerz Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 so lately, my bf and i have been fighting a lot...over really really stupid things...but we fight so seriously over them...then tonight...he's been telling me i've been complaining/nagging/whining too much and that he's sick of it...i am very insecure, and am trying fix it it...and he knows i am, obviously.... as he walked me out to my car today...he was obviously very pissed and upset....i begged him to tell me what was wrong...and he said he was tired of doing this (fighting), and that he can't take me nagging anymore.....i want to fix this problem....what do isay to him??? i'm guessing i shouhld not call him tomorrow (but can i?), and have him call me instead....PLEASE someone give me advice, i am so depressed....i love him so much...i know when i nag or whine that it frustrates him, yet i still do it.... ...wut should i say to him??
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 OK, here are my suggestions. In the short term, give him space. This is gonna be nerve-wracking. Given the opportunity to reflect, he will probably come back to you, but he may not. In the longer term, you need to deal with the roots of the nagging and whining. It takes 2 to tango: part of the problem is your nature, but I suspect there are things he can do which would make you feel the need to nag less. Compromise is the keyword - be prepared to work the key issues through.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 At this point, I'd wait until he contacts you... at *least* for several days. Give him a chance to cool down and reflect. In fact, I'd wait a full week. Concentrate on cooling and calming down yourself. If when he calls he asks why you waited, say you wanted to give both of you some space.
Author steenerz Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 thanks reluctantromeo! i'll keep all ur advice on hand any other advice/opinions! i could use as much i can get...
superfabulous Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 dont ask him - just do things w/out nags or whines, go to doctor to figure out this problem. maybe go to the movies so u can sit and not speak, later u can talk bout the movie- more u bug the more they think your a bug- g-d it goes both ways but it sounds like your not happy with yourself- so do some personal caretaking instead of asking him what his problemo is...trust me! Maybe he's making u insecure - in which case u need a break to organize your thoughts and needs and wants....good luck girly!
confusedgirl Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 usually when you fight with your boyfriend over petty things, it means you need to revive things in the relationship,you need to go out for a drink, go where you first went when you started dating, do whatever, cos it sounds like you are both tired of each others company.Id suggest leaving it yeh, not ringing him, try and play it cool, itll kill to do this, believe me it will but giving him space s a lot better then calling him up to aggrivate him even more, so much so it may push him to the edge and he WILL dump you.iv been in a similar situation where things went stale, we fought over petty things, ridiculous things and i couldnt understand why, i was upset and felt so insecure i needed to be with him more than i ever did just to be reassurred that he still cared about me and wantin him near to tell me everythings ok.when in fact the best solution is have some space...not too much but enough to breath and have a think, maybe of what GOOD to say to him, or maybe somethin funny to lighten the mood, but dont try and completely try to change the subject of whats wrong, as it will make him think your a wierd psycho with issues forgettin she even has problems (believe me iv had a bf think this of me and hr broke up with me just becuase i wouldnt admit i had a problem) tell him how you feel, that you feel the more you try to sort things out the more you feel hurt cos of the lack of contact comin back from him and THAT is why you are irritatin the situation...NOT that you are insecure NEVER let him see you that way it aint good, men dont want to know this unless your married ! lol anyway hope iv helped but when you talk to him tell him to SEE you and sit him down and tell him you both need to revive things and that way you wont be nagging, insecure, this that the other...you will be happy...try this with him, if it dont work then its his loss
Author steenerz Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 thanks guys...he called today and we talked a bit...but not about last night at all too much which is prolly good...we just talked about what we've done today...him calling me made me feel a lot better!
st8toftheheart Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by steenerz thanks guys...he called today and we talked a bit...but not about last night at all too much which is prolly good...we just talked about what we've done today...him calling me made me feel a lot better! Be weary. He may go back to his old self the next day. I am wondering if perhaps he has doubts about the relationship and so he is finding these excuses so you can end it in an arugument versus, where he won't feel guilty by hurting you.
Treasa Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Waaaaait a minute. Don't just go running off. Chances are the problems still exist and you still need to work on them. What do you find yourself nagging over?
Author steenerz Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa Waaaaait a minute. Don't just go running off. Chances are the problems still exist and you still need to work on them. What do you find yourself nagging over? i'm usualyl nagging at him about calling me back...he is usually very very good about it...maybe like once a month he'll forget...and he DOES call back, it just takes a couple hours sometimes; and i nag that i don't think he's affectionate enough..when i have known from the beginning that he wasn't extremely an affectionate kind of person in the first place...and last night i complained that he needs to say "i love you" first more, but i think that might've been a lil silly...
Author steenerz Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart Be weary. He may go back to his old self the next day. I am wondering if perhaps he has doubts about the relationship and so he is finding these excuses so you can end it in an arugument versus, where he won't feel guilty by hurting you. i'm kinda confused?
Treasa Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by steenerz i'm usualyl nagging at him about calling me back...he is usually very very good about it...maybe like once a month he'll forget...and he DOES call back, it just takes a couple hours sometimes; and i nag that i don't think he's affectionate enough..when i have known from the beginning that he wasn't extremely an affectionate kind of person in the first place...and last night i complained that he needs to say "i love you" first more, but i think that might've been a lil silly... The more you ask for those things and nag, the less he'll give them to you. Trust me on this.
Author steenerz Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa The more you ask for those things and nag, the less he'll give them to you. Trust me on this. understood.
Mary3 Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Well I suspect you suffer from HEM * High Emotional Maintenance *( I made that one up lol ) meaning you need lots of love and reassurance and affection and gestures of love. But at the same time you admit that he does not show you the affection and has not shown it since the beginning . I am also somewhat HEM but I see the CLUES of someone in the beginning thats not going to be affectionate...when this occurs you put them in the friends category and realize they may never be affectionate in the way you want. Then you look, continue your search, for someone who also is HEM , who loves hugs and kisses and affectionate gestures. hehe Not suggesting you give up on him but he might not meet your HEM needs. I suspect he is getting sick and tired of your insecurities ( no offense there honest ) but he is getting tired of reassuring you because he either does not feel it anymore or he does feel it but you need to accept him the way HE IS .
Author steenerz Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 Well I suspect you suffer from HEM * High Emotional Maintenance *( I made that one up lol ) meaning you need lots of love and reassurance and affection and gestures of love. But at the same time you admit that he does not show you the affection and has not shown it since the beginning . I am also somewhat HEM but I see the CLUES of someone in the beginning thats not going to be affectionate...when this occurs you put them in the friends category and realize they may never be affectionate in the way you want. Then you look, continue your search, for someone who also is HEM , who loves hugs and kisses and affectionate gestures. hehe Not suggesting you give up on him but he might not meet your HEM needs. I suspect he is getting sick and tired of your insecurities ( no offense there honest ) but he is getting tired of reassuring you because he either does not feel it anymore or he does feel it but you need to accept him the way HE IS . that is exactly my problem...i am EXTREMELY insecure and needy...i want to be talking to him ALLLL the time, and want to know what he did and who he was with on days we don't see each other....and although i could break up with him, and find someone who is mushy mushy, i love him so much that i am willing to put up with the lack of affection.... don't get me worng, it's not like he just acts as if we're friends.....i just like to be lovey dovey all the time and anywhere!
Mary3 Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Can you imagine what it would feel like to have your bf/husband talk to you like this : He : Hey where are you ? She : At the grocery store ? He : Are you sure you are at the grocery store ? She : Yes I am positive , I am holding a ripe cantaloupe . He : I dont hear the cash registers ringing She : Yes someone just made a sale He : You are Lying !@ You dont love me anymore ! She : I have 2 heads of lettuce and you are wasting my cell minutes...really He : You just dont love me I know it ! There is no lettuce in your hand ! She : Yes there is and its dripping all over the potato chip bag He : Its over ! I know you are cheating ! She : Dear , you have accused me for 16 months He : Say you love me proove it ! She : I would love you more if you would stop holding a death grip on me 24 hours a day He : I know somethin is going on ! She : Yes the ice cream in melting... He : Its cheating time ! You are ruthless ! She : No its my turn to put the groceries on the belt He : IF you loved me you will say it ! SHe : Well I do love you but less each day because you are a blithering whining complaining idiot ! He : Seeeeeeeeeeee ! I told you ! She : The bagger is helping me outside He : Its Him isnt it ! He is the one ! Oh GOd ! She : No he's just putting groceries in the trunk I made this up to give you an example of being irrational Now see how your bf/husband feels ? Its rediculous ! I would suggest counseling for you
Author steenerz Posted June 2, 2005 Author Posted June 2, 2005 i feel horrible. do i go see a therapist or a counselor? my poor boyfriend. ....i feel like the meanest person in the world right now
st8toftheheart Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by steenerz i feel horrible. do i go see a therapist or a counselor? my poor boyfriend. ....i feel like the meanest person in the world right now Well, everyone has insecurities. In some cases its best to possibly look at some counselling. I was in the same situation once, playing the role your BF now plays. I'll tell you that its very distressing. At the same time, you need to talk to him to see how he feels about the relationship, because again I think these fights he picks over nothing, maybe an indicator that he's reaching his limits. So talk to him, and most important listen as best you can, do not let your insecurities get in the way of listening to him.
Mary3 Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Its truly fear , that is how you operate your relationship. Fear that he will leave , that you must be good...no even better....and better and even still , it wont change your fears. I had someone like that and he accused me for YEARS of cheating, which I never did, and then I thought one day " I might as well . Ive been accused " You dont want him to get to that kind of rationale. If you love him say this " You know Tom , I feel like I have a problem with myself and that I fear our relationship will suffer because I have visions of you cheating which have no firm foundation other than the fact that I fear you will, I want to get help . TODAY. So Tom , will you help me with this " ? If you want this to work and to help yourself for the rest of your life, GET HELP. Good Luck
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