No Contact is driving me insane (Updated)

[Altea]

Thank you Pink Elephants, I need mirrors like this.

 

I admit that I have esteem issues and I have been speaking of this with a counsellor this week. Those esteem issues are driven by my destructive relationship, but I am so scared of being alone, so scared.

 

My counsellor said my main relationship and boyfriend is controlling my behaviours and thoughts and I will not be happy until that is released.

 

You asked what I wanted from the guy in Spain because he is hurting me and cutting me off. I want his forgiveness and ultimately his love. I know this sounds strange, but I really know he is the one for me. He has brought me alive. I look at myself having met him and I do not recognise me. I showed him so much affection and wanted to hold him so much when we were together. I know he is the one.

 

I know if this was turned around, I would look underneath the surface and feel comfort, and understanding to me. I am a very very sensitive person though.

 

I sent him flowers and a long letter today and he refused delivery of them. I called him and he answered my calls. He knows it is me calling and he speaks a little, then gets harsh and a little nasty (which I understand) and puts the phone down, so I call again. I explained to him that he is fuelling my fire and the worse he is, the more driven I am to call. In each call though he told me he hates me, doesn't want me and will never trust me and tells me I am selfish and I should never call again. He also said though that he is being self defensive and I know he is. I have suggested to him that relationships take work and fail without work and I know we could be the most amazing thing if he lets us. I have admitted my short comings and tried to explain the reasons, but he sees me as cheating and refuses to see the cause. He also accuses me of manipulating him. He also said to me today that if I need to talk so much then I should go back online where I belong and that really hurt.

 

What do I do, because my heart is telling me to fight and my therapist has suggested by doing so I am probably making the whole likelihood of getting back together much worse.

 

How do I make him see that I care though? He just will not allow me to and refuses it. I have told him that i will leave my whole life in the UK for him and he still says no.

 

I just want this hurt to go away so bad as its destroying me. I had to call my counsellor yesterday as I found myself wanting to go back online because I could not handle the rejection.

 

Any advice from anyone would be really appreciated. I just want him back, I really do x

[Altea]

Please can someone help me. I love this man more than I know. I am going to go crazy with this. I have called him today about 15 times and he answers we speak and then he goes nasty and cuts me off.

 

I need him to know how I feel. I need him to understand that he is putting his own insecurities from past relationships before us. I know that the time we have spent together has been magical. We spoke every single day for hours.

 

Please help, I know he was the one and I cant go on without him.

[Altea]

Hi, Some of you may have read my story but I have recently split from a guy. I was caught out online because of my own emotional and esteem issues where I was just seeking self soothing as my therapist called it. I will not go into the details but I was not actually looking to meet anyone, it was merely the attention. Anyway, when i was caught, I lied because I knew what would happen.

 

Long story short, the guy has blocked me every which way and to top it all he lives in a different country. I send him flowers and a letter which he refused apparently so I instructed the company to leave on his door step anyway.

 

I initially had many hateful emails to mine, where he point blank said that he hates me. I am ashamed to say that I sent him a lot. I managed to speak yesterday and he still uses terms like honey and sweetheart and then he would get short and hateful and put the phone down. I would call, and it would repeat and so on. He has said never to contact him again as I hurt him and he does not trust me. He said that I am being selfish. The thing is we were soulmates and we both knew each so well, we both said it. I know that he is emotionally closed to stop him getting hurt and I see it and I know that if he felt this we could be amazing, we really could because we connected on every level. Factor in that he claims to have been cheated on 5 times previously so I know I have opened up a whole trust issue.

 

Everyone is telling me not to make contact and let this settle down for my best chance of reconciliation, yet my heart is telling me to call even though he is threatening to change his number. If he does then I am screwed as I have no means of contact. What would you do? He claims to not feel anything, yet I know that we have been awesome together and he told me so and you cannot just switch that off instantly. You cannot switch off emotion like he is trying to. I know that we can make this work if he will open up and confront things. I also know I am in the wrong here. What would you do, make contact? Leave? for how long?

 

The thing is, I really love this man. He has made me feel things like no other man on this planet. I know he is the one. I do not wish to loose him.

 

What would you do for the best chance of reconciliation? I am due to fly out in 7 weeks which feels like an eternity but is the earliest I can get out there. My heart is telling me to keep calling him. Please help me as I am going to go insane and I guess typing this helps as it is stopping me calling him.

[Amelie1980]

If you have self esteem issues and need attention why are you in a LDR? Why not find someone local?

 

He has blocked you, refused your flowers, just leave him alone.

 

What do you hope to gain by this?

[NVO]

 

He has said never to contact him again as I hurt him and he does not trust me. He said that I am being selfish. The thing is we were soulmates and we both knew each so well, we both said it. I know that he is emotionally closed to stop him getting hurt and I see it and I know that if he felt this we could be amazing, we really could because we connected on every level. Factor in that he claims to have been cheated on 5 times previously so I know I have opened up a whole trust issue.

 

You answered your own question. He asks you to leave him alone because contact is hurting him, and still you keep doing it. That is selfish behavior and you justify it by claiming you are soulmates.

 

Leave him alone because you will only push him away more and more if you continue this way.

[Altea]

If you have self esteem issues and need attention why are you in a LDR? Why not find someone local?

 

He has blocked you, refused your flowers, just leave him alone.

 

What do you hope to gain by this?

 

I planned and want to move to him. It was never planned, I met him and fell head over heels in love

[Altea]

Its really hard to explain, but never ever have I felt like this about anyone. I really am in love with him. He told me he was me and he has told me previously how he closes down and will not admit his emotions. This is why I want to talk to him properly.

[Amelie1980]

You're so in love with him that you talk to other guys online to self soothe.

 

Knowing your ex has been cheated on and has trust issues.

 

How selfish is that?

 

I'll flip the question, what does he get out of this? Yet another woman he cant trust?

 

Just leave him.

[Altea]

Please don't judge me. I am seriously on the floor with this. How long should I leave before contacting him?

 

It didn't even occur when I went online about him. I know that sounds odd, but a 20 year abusive relationship, bullying and abuse in childhood kind of affects you. I am not making excuses, I am just trying to point out. I did not even know how much it had screwed me up until I had a therapy session 2 days after break up. I had no idea what was happening until my therapist/counsellor held an almighty mirror up to me and showed me what was happening.

 

I was upset before counselling, but at counselling, it was shown that I had misread his words which had caused me to doubt his love, and I had this sick feeling inside of me knowing what I had done. I love him, I know it sounds odd, but I really do, I have never felt feelings like I do with him, ever. The thing is, being connected to him was helping me deal with a lot of my issues and the same vice versa, we got along so, so well. This is how I know that he closes down, because he told me and I know he is doing it here.

 

To top it all, a letter has arrived today where he has addressed it to darling XXX and has then said thanks for reminding him never to trust.

 

I just want to show him how much he means to me and how truly sorry I am.

[pidgeon1010]

Leave him alone. He knows how you feel. You may think he is your soulmate, etc. but if he doesn't feel that way or decides it's not worth it, you can't force him to change his mind.

 

Let things cool down. Right now you're coming off as emotionally unhinged and no guy would want to step in that line of fire. The only thing you are doing right now is making him run for the hills.

[Amelie1980]

Never.

 

You never contact him again.

 

He doesn't want you and doesn't care about your issues. His responses show he feels malice towards you.

 

You continue your therapy and look for a relationship when you're over your past. You cant look to a man you barely know to heal your wounds.

 

You met this guy what once? On holiday. Its a red flag that it is this intense.

 

Ive been cheated on three times by different guys.

 

It happens again they get dumped, no second chances.

 

You really can't blame him. You want him to undertstand your relationship issues and wont be mindful of his. You did exactly what he fears the most. Think about that!

Edited December 19, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Altea]

Thank you. Why do you say never? What if he is waiting for me to prove myself. I think I have with the vast volume of emails etc that I have sent.

 

I met this guy once on holiday and we spoke everyday for at least an hour, sometimes 4, plus lots of text and email exchanges. That is a heck of a lot of communication. I went to Spain again for 5 days recently and we got on so perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. We connected. I found myself being physically affectionate by touch etc. My flights are booked for January (before this happened.)

 

Then this happened. The thing is, I don't want my online profiles, I have removed them all. I know that now. Maybe in my subconscious I did not think I was worthy of his love. I don't know. All I know is I think I have hurt him and I have broken us and I have hurt myself. What I do not understand is how all of that love dissapears in an instant for him. I have been reading that hate is actually driven through love.

 

I am just so emotionally raw at the moment and I hate myself for everything I have done to him, us and me. What is really hard is the knowledge he thinks bad things of me, even if I could get some calm closure I would be able to cope.

 

I am still fighting the urge to call him. Thanks for listening.

[Amelie1980]

Read my last post.

 

He doesnt want you and doesnt want to give you a chance. He wants a woman he can trust 100% and you arent it.

 

Im not replying here again as you're not listening.

[Altea]

Leave him alone. He knows how you feel. You may think he is your soulmate, etc. but if he doesn't feel that way or decides it's not worth it, you can't force him to change his mind.

 

Let things cool down. Right now you're coming off as emotionally unhinged and no guy would want to step in that line of fire. The only thing you are doing right now is making him run for the hills.

 

Thank you. How long would you suggest leaving it? The letter I received today which he posted Monday has made me want to call him.

[lauri]

Let's be real here...you were caught online looking for attention from other guys. In my opinion, that is cheating. You cannot seek validation from other men while you're in a relationship. That just flat out sounds like you weren't feeling him that much and that is why you did it. The reason why I think you're here is because you feel guilty, horrible and you're hurting because you can't believe he had the strength to leave you and cut you off.

 

I think that he's going through a range of a million emotions and you are not helping him or yourself by constantly contacting him. Also, you cannot expect to be treated well and responded to if you weren't doing what a girlfriend should do.

 

I'm not saying you're a bad person, I just view it that you were on your way out. It just didn't end the way you expected. I suggest being single for a while and figure yourself out.

 

All the best.

[Altea]

we've had three previous wobbles because this is long distance and each time it gets hard he would block me and ignore me and then a week later we would make up and carry on. This is why I am confused.

[pidgeon1010]

Thank you. How long would you suggest leaving it? The letter I received today which he posted Monday has made me want to call him.

 

Forever unless you hear from him otherwise (i.e. that he misses you and wants to make things work).

[lauri]

we've had three previous wobbles because this is long distance and each time it gets hard he would block me and ignore me and then a week later we would make up and carry on. This is why I am confused.

 

Okay, so what? I don't understand what you're trying to imply.

 

You needed to get validation from other guys... I'd drop a girl so quicky if she had to go on a dating website to talk to other guys behind my back. You cannot expect to be treated differently if you do this.

 

Sure he may come back but why would you even consider trying to work it out? You clearly have things lacking in your current relationship that are making you take these high risks. Hell, I bet if you didn't get caught you would've continued until you found the next guy to be with. It's in your right to do so...but I think you need to step away from dating for a short while. Being single for a while will probably be the best thing for yourself to work on your self confidence.

 

I don't blame you for not knowing what to do, I've been in a long distance relationship and can fully relate to how you are feeling. But you can't change the fact that you aren't that into someone or someone else isn't that into you.

 

Focus on you for a bit.

Edited December 19, 2015 by lauri