No Contact is driving me insane (Updated)

[Altea]

I met a guy in holiday. I know i love him, he was my world for the last two months. We have chatted daily, exchanged so many pictures and emails.

 

Things went wrong the weekend. He is mr chilled and got me to express myself and encouraged me. It went wrong on the phone. I am madly in love with this man like never before. But he had turned so cold on me. He told me he wants no more and the day after he said he felt relief.

 

Im falling apart. I poured my heart and soul into him. I let down my guard and i messed up a bit. I get that but hes blocked me on phones. He will not reply to emails. My issue is i live 1000 miles away in a different country. We were due to meet again next week as i was flying over to see him.

 

Can somebody help me. Tell me how to make this pain stop? Im dying. I just want him to understand what i explained and not be so cold. I know he has issues and has barriers to protect himself. I never expected them to go up so suddenly.

 

Please help me. Ive never felt like this before. Never. I feel like my whole world is falling down. If he would just listen and accept my explanation it would be a start, but its like he ignored what i said and heard what he wanted to hear. I just need to know he hears my words and accepts them. I could cope then. I cant cope parting so horribly x

[Maggie4]

You left out what you told him that so offended him. Maybe you don't want to tell it on LS. Not knowing the nature of this problem, it's hard to guess if he'll listen to you again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I met a guy in holiday. I know i love him, he was my world for the last two months. We have chatted daily, exchanged so many pictures and emails.

 

Things went wrong the weekend. He is mr chilled and got me to express myself and encouraged me. It went wrong on the phone. I am madly in love with this man like never before. But he had turned so cold on me. He told me he wants no more and the day after he said he felt relief.

 

Im falling apart. I poured my heart and soul into him. I let down my guard and i messed up a bit. I get that but hes blocked me on phones. He will not reply to emails. My issue is i live 1000 miles away in a different country. We were due to meet again next week as i was flying over to see him.

 

Can somebody help me. Tell me how to make this pain stop? Im dying. I just want him to understand what i explained and not be so cold. I know he has issues and has barriers to protect himself. I never expected them to go up so suddenly.

 

Please help me. Ive never felt like this before. Never. I feel like my whole world is falling down. If he would just listen and accept my explanation it would be a start, but its like he ignored what i said and heard what he wanted to hear. I just need to know he hears my words and accepts them. I could cope then. I cant cope parting so horribly x

 

No, you aren't. I say that not to be unsympathetic, but to emphasize the importance of self-talk here. It is certainly painful. But you can manage pain. Anyone can. You have to believe you can overcome it. Telling yourself that you're falling apart and dying and that your world is falling down needs to stop. You have more power to manage your feelings than you realize.

 

Next, what did you say to him in this call? I imagine he is reacting to something. What happened?

 

Lastly, you need to protect your heart a bit more. You say he's been everything for the last two months. This doesn't sound very balanced - it indicates that you got attached very quickly when it sounds like you'd only met once on holiday (but correct me if I misunderstood the timeline/background here)

 

I will admit the timing is a bit odd here. You're about to see him and he suddenly breaks it off. Have you visited his country before, or did you meet in a different place? How much do you know about him, his living situation, etc?

[Altea]

OK, please don't judge me.

 

What happened was he encouraged my fantasies and I told him and then when we started to look to act, he got a bit jealous. I have told him if we had not started down this road we would be fine. What has made it worse is that he sent me a beautiful package with a love letter in it today and it says that he cant wait to see me etc. I know it is written before but I am so so confused. I know he loves me, I feel it. He is just worried by previous experiences and I am paying the prices for those that have messed him about in his other relationships.

 

I live in the UK and he lives in Spain. I ended up in hospital as a result of chronic food poisoning and he took me and helped me there. That is when I fell for hm, when I was vulnerable. I do love him, he has instilled such things in me I never knew existed. Yes I have met him for one afternoon and night only and spoke daily for hours each day since.

 

I was going over next week. We spoke today as I wanted to try and sort. He said he cant see me as it will cause us pain. I told him to swear on his life he does not want to see me and he did. He hesitated a lot when I said tell me you don't love me. I have been brought up to think that love conquers all. What do I do, do I still go, spend all that money to go and he totally rips my heart out more. I want to go but I know I need to respect him. Suddenly this has all turned into one way traffic.

 

Thanks for listening. I have nobody and it is hard. Im devastated and just need help here. People say you know when it is the one and I know what they mean. I hurt so bad. I know some can control emotions as somebody said, not all of us can. I acknowledge I am sensitive. Its just the way I am.

 

Any tips or help anyone. Something in my stomach is telling me to fight hard.

[CarrieT]

Something in my stomach is telling me to fight hard.

Nope. Something is tell you that you are desperate and it will only come across to this guy as needy and unstable.

 

He has told you "no" but you aren't listening.

 

You are NOT dying and you will survive. Time to move on and block...

[Altea]

Nope. Something is tell you that you are desperate and it will only come across to this guy as needy and unstable.

 

He has told you "no" but you aren't listening.

 

You are NOT dying and you will survive. Time to move on and block...

 

But I really really feel something special and he told me he felt same. I just cant see how it can unravel over a misunderstanding. He told me he's been crying, as have I been. He just said that whilst he feels it, he knows it is not good for him and will end in negativity.

 

For me, he taught me that to follow feelings and feel the connection and now I am struggling to unravel that and I do not want to. If he feels something then would it not be sensible to follow up? Its hard to explain, but I know he is the one, the circumstances how me met and were drawn, it is just fate. He said today after he gave me some time and told me he understood my explanation, but he said it cant change anything because of his previous experiences. He told me to throw the package in the bin and not open it, but I did and then read his words.

 

OK, please give me some perspective as I have lost this. Do you think I can rescue this folks? What is best, do I keep sending emails which he ignores or do I give it space. I just don't want him to think that I am not bothered because I am. I would drop everything and fly over right now if it would work. I am sat here checking my phone every minute and begging a message to come through. If he could see me now I know it would work because surely he doesn't want me to be like this.

 

Im sorry, I have only had two relationships prior. I guess I just allow my emotions out and I put out there what i am feeling. x

[CarrieT]

He told you one thing but his actions *should* be telling you something else!

 

He is ignoring your calls and emails = he is done. There is nothing left to fight for.

[Silver_star]

But I really really feel something special and he told me he felt same. I just cant see how it can unravel over a misunderstanding. He told me he's been crying, as have I been. He just said that whilst he feels it, he knows it is not good for him and will end in negativity.

 

For me, he taught me that to follow feelings and feel the connection and now I am struggling to unravel that and I do not want to. If he feels something then would it not be sensible to follow up? Its hard to explain, but I know he is the one, the circumstances how me met and were drawn, it is just fate. He said today after he gave me some time and told me he understood my explanation, but he said it cant change anything because of his previous experiences. He told me to throw the package in the bin and not open it, but I did and then read his words.

 

OK, please give me some perspective as I have lost this. Do you think I can rescue this folks? What is best, do I keep sending emails which he ignores or do I give it space. I just don't want him to think that I am not bothered because I am. I would drop everything and fly over right now if it would work. I am sat here checking my phone every minute and begging a message to come through. If he could see me now I know it would work because surely he doesn't want me to be like this.

 

Im sorry, I have only had two relationships prior. I guess I just allow my emotions out and I put out there what i am feeling. x

 

 

 

 

I don't think you can "rescue" this. This was his choice. He knows how you feel, and if he wanted to be with you he would.

Stop sending emails. The more you send the more desperate and crazy you will appear. Maybe you guys did have a connection, but connections no matter how strong can fade, and if someone chooses to delete you from their life it's because they don't feel that connection anymore, not the same way you do. Sorry, but please do yourself a service and respect yourself enough to walk away with your head high. There will be other great connections in life if you allow it.

[Altea]

I don't think you can "rescue" this. This was his choice. He knows how you feel, and if he wanted to be with you he would.

Stop sending emails. The more you send the more desperate and crazy you will appear. Maybe you guys did have a connection, but connections no matter how strong can fade, and if someone chooses to delete you from their life it's because they don't feel that connection anymore, not the same way you do. Sorry, but please do yourself a service and respect yourself enough to walk away with your head high. There will be other great connections in life if you allow it.

 

Thank you that kind of makes sense but its hard to let this go. He really really got to me like nobody else has. He said the same about connections fading. I know that he has this coping mechanism where he pretends he doesn't care and says stuff, he did it once before but he allowed me underneath his shell. I just cant help feeling he doesn't mean it and its all repeating itself. I just don't understand the timing. Maybe the reality of it was too much. I just don't know. I just need closure I think, I just don't have the answers or understanding to get there. I was supposed to be flying over next week and I asked him if we could just sit down and talk next week and go to dinner so I could look him in the eye. He just said no, he swore on his life he didn't want me to go or turn up on his door. The thing is I think its his defence thing kicking in, because it has been hard not being able to make this real because of the distance. Thank you for talking to me, its helping to process it.

 

I would never treat anybody like it and ignore them and mess with their feelings. Perhaps its good I found out now - I'm grasping at anything here to get me out of this feeling.

Edited November 17, 2015 by Altea

[Altea]

He told you one thing but his actions *should* be telling you something else!

 

He is ignoring your calls and emails = he is done. There is nothing left to fight for.

 

I am grasping at anything aren't I? I would never just remove somebody from my life like that. Only nasty ones. Not those I cared for. I would be worried about them and concerned and would want to make sure that they OK. He has just cut me out and seemingly doesn't care. Thank you, that is it. Its the fact that he doesn't care that is hurting. I think I have to write a letter from my soul and tell him.

 

Even though he has made me feel like this, I want him in my life without hesitation.

[CarrieT]

I just need closure I think

Your "closure" is the fact that he is blocking and ignoring you.

 

I am grasping at anything aren't I? I would never just remove somebody from my life like that. Only nasty ones.

But isn't his treatment of you now nasty? Grasp on to how you are being treated now and ride that wave of disrespect towards healing.

 

I think I have to write a letter from my soul and tell him.

NO, No, no!

 

Write the letter, if you must, but DO NOT SEND IT.

 

He knows. Trust me. He knows. And a letter will only make you look that much more desperate and needy.

[Silver_star]

Thank you that kind of makes sense but its hard to let this go. He really really got to me like nobody else has. He said the same about connections fading. I know that he has this coping mechanism where he pretends he doesn't care and says stuff, he did it once before but he allowed me underneath his shell. I just cant help feeling he doesn't mean it and its all repeating itself. I just don't understand the timing. Maybe the reality of it was too much. I just don't know. I just need closure I think, I just don't have the answers or understanding to get there. I was supposed to be flying over next week and I asked him if we could just sit down and talk next week and go to dinner so I could look him in the eye. He just said no, he swore on his life he didn't want me to go or turn up on his door. The thing is I think its his defence thing kicking in, because it has been hard not being able to make this real because of the distance. Thank you for talking to me, its helping to process it.

 

I would never treat anybody like it and ignore them and mess with their feelings. Perhaps its good I found out now - I'm grasping at anything here to get me out of this feeling.

 

 

 

 

You were with him for two months on holiday. You don't know him.

You might think you do because maybe he told you some stuff and you felt close to him and things felt all lovey dovey and wonderful, but you don't know him. Sorry, but I think you need a reality check, because it sounds like you want to push your feelings on someone that really isn't interested in giving you what you want. In fact, he doesn't want anything to do with you by the sounds of it, ouch. Again, walk away now from this he doesn't deserve your time.

[Altea]

You were with him for two months on holiday. You don't know him.

You might think you do because maybe he told you some stuff and you felt close to him and things felt all lovey dovey and wonderful, but you don't know him. Sorry, but I think you need a reality check, because it sounds like you want to push your feelings on someone that really isn't interested in giving you what you want. In fact, he doesn't want anything to do with you by the sounds of it, ouch. Again, walk away now from this he doesn't deserve your time.

 

Thank you, I need reality because I am in denial and I needed that virtual slap around the face. I know that nobody should be treated like this. I understand why he is doing it and I am trying to look under that shell. Truth is, that shell of armour he has is always going to get in the way on some level I guess, even if I addressed things. Thank you for helping me. x

[Altea]

Your "closure" is the fact that he is blocking and ignoring you.

 

 

But isn't his treatment of you now nasty? Grasp on to how you are being treated now and ride that wave of disrespect towards healing.

 

 

NO, No, no!

 

Write the letter, if you must, but DO NOT SEND IT.

 

He knows. Trust me. He knows. And a letter will only make you look that much more desperate and needy.

 

yes, I see it as nasty and horrid but I see his insecurities and am trying to get under the shell of armour.

 

When you say he knows, what do you mean? He knows what?

[CarrieT]

When you say he knows, what do you mean? He knows what?

You have already sent emails that he has not responded to, so he knows you are desperate and want to be with him.

 

An additional letter would only add to the building scenario of your neediness. There is nothing you could say in a letter that would do any good.

 

Consider this your virtual slap-upside-the-head.

[Altea]

You have already sent emails that he has not responded to, so he knows you are desperate and want to be with him.

 

An additional letter would only add to the building scenario of your neediness. There is nothing you could say in a letter that would do any good.

 

Consider this your virtual slap-upside-the-head.

 

Thank you. I have just spent three hours on the phone with him and he has dragged me through every scenario going and destroyed me. I do not know what he was telling me and what I am to do, as I had so many mixed messages, but he ended by saying he wants to end it. I have just said if it is what he wants it, then I respect his wishes and he has my contact details. It hurts, I know he is wrong, and I love him even though he upset me big time. I'd still be with him in a flash given the chance as it feels so right. I guess I just have to see what life brings now. At least I have some level of closure on this now I guess. I still love him and he just said he does to and its not enough. Somehow I have to protect my heart as somebody suggested. Thanks for the help people. At least I am not going to be going overseas next week and being totally alone.

[Dylon]

Yes, need a reality check here, some perspective and step back from your emotion. See it for what it is first before going all I love him and I know he loves me. Erase all this "love" talk you are throwing out. I didn't see any. I see two people meeting and having a good time on vacation. You don't know him well. Giving gifts mean nothing. He's from a different country and maybe have a life you don't even know about. Maybe it's his style that throw you off and you interpreted as love. Had fun? Had sex? Joy ride. Didn't even have enough connection to stay friends? And here you are broken down with your own version in your head. Yes, like other said, maybe you really needed someone and you projected a lot into this. Don't feel sad. Open your eyes and look at it from a different perspective. That is the best way to deal with it by facing reality, and not what you think or your heart thinks. He rubs me the wrong way.....too many red flags. Sorry for your pain.

[Altea]

Yes, need a reality check here, some perspective and step back from your emotion. See it for what it is first before going all I love him and I know he loves me. Erase all this "love" talk you are throwing out. I didn't see any. I see two people meeting and having a good time on vacation. You don't know him well. Giving gifts mean nothing. He's from a different country and maybe have a life you don't even know about. Maybe it's his style that throw you off and you interpreted as love. Had fun? Had sex? Joy ride. Didn't even have enough connection to stay friends? And here you are broken down with your own version in your head. Yes, like other said, maybe you really needed someone and you projected a lot into this. Don't feel sad. Open your eyes and look at it from a different perspective. That is the best way to deal with it by facing reality, and not what you think or your heart thinks. He rubs me the wrong way.....too many red flags. Sorry for your pain.

 

Thank you, no he said he couldnt reign it back to friends as it hurt too much. He told me every day he loves me. He told me he still does. I tried to get him to work with it and see where it goes but he wants it to end. He has had too many bad experiences and i cant fight all his ex's aswell as his doubts about me. Yes i am attracted to his whole persona, the way he is, how he spoke, his energy, everything. I have fallen hook line and sinker, but if its not returned there is nothing i can do. My head has been through the mill tonight as i went through so many scenarios with him but he just led me to the end. I dont know why. I never will i guess. Its that not knowing and not responding to emotion that is sending me mad!

[Maggie4]

I told him to swear on his life he does not want to see me and he did.

 

Ouch! Why did you force him to never see you again? You put the nail in the coffin. Why did you do that? You can't undo that one.

[Altea]

Ouch! Why did you force him to never see you again? You put the nail in the coffin. Why did you do that? You can't undo that one.

 

Its easy to say that in hindsight, i didnt want to hear it and believe it :-( but tonight he told ne to still go, then he changed his mind again. I can hear him in his voice being challenged between his feelings and logic. I know logically this is a no go situation, but if you have the feeling to be with someone then i think the rest will fall into place. He blocked me on the phone within 5 mins. Its clear, he does not want me for some reason. That is hard when he drove these feelings in me.

[Altea]

I am after thoughts and advice folks as everyone I talk to is giving me a hole raft of conflicting advice that I am going insane.

 

I am gay from the UK. I am in a relationship here and it is not good but I guess I do not have the confidence to do anything about it as I have so may esteem issues. I was in Spain in September and I met another guy. A guy who showed me affection, love and attention and I fell in love with him, hook line and sinker and I knew instantly he was the one. I spent one night with him then returned to the UK. Since then we spoke daily on the phone, sometimes spending 4 hours talking to each other.

 

During these months we have had our moments because of the distance and his way of dealing with things when things go wrong is he blocks me and ignores my contact which kills me. This has happened 4 times.

 

Two weeks ago we spent the most magical week together in his Spanish town. It was magical, and I have never ever been so affectionate in my life to anyone.

 

I then returned and because of my domestic situation I was so low, I just went online chatting to people and I got caught. I was not going to meet anyone. Anyway, he has completely closed off and is ignoring me. He has deleted his email accounts etc and he has never been this extreme before.

 

I am devastated, I must have sent 70 emails in the last 4 days because I need to speak to him to explain. I had some counselling this week and it was shown to me what happened and why I did it. He sees it as cheating and I need him to understand. We had a brief message exchange last night where he told me he hates me, and he wants to forget me and he also said that he was going to meet someone for sex that night. Having looked on the internet, this seems to be a sign that he does still feel me. When I told him that hate is not the opposite to love, he then said he does not love or trust me.

 

I am on the floor, I need to speak to him to explain and he will not let me. I am thinking of going out to see him but he says that he will call the police. All I know is that I want to be with him and having spoken to the counsellor, I want to leave my relationship for him. I really do.

 

I don't know what to do. I am on the floor because I cannot speak and get my words out. I am so scared that I have blown the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want to loose it.

 

Family are telling me I am being a fool because I have only spent 6 nights with this man, whereas friends are telling me to follow my heart and give up my work and my life and move to a foreign country.

 

Please help me with your thoughts. Logic says to me to let this go, but my heart is broken and killing me.

[anythingbut]

Not an expert in gay relationships, but all the hallmarks of his behaviour are classic signs of manipulation and pathological behaviour.

 

You've obviously upset him by your online actions, which as you have acknowledged, didn't seem to be the most appropriate way to behave - and this has brought up some trust issues on his side.

 

He's now blanking you out and telling you he hates you and will call the police etc. Bottom line here, if he genuinely wasn't bothered then he would just be ignoring you and cracking on with his life already. Instead he's saying some hurtful things because, in my humble opinion, he wants to see your reaction and get a rise out of you. He wants your attention, and he is getting it.

 

The opposite behaviour, of a mature adult, would be to hear you out and not behave so bitterly and with such nastyness. To listen to what you have to say, and be forgiving. That's the behaviour I would expect from someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I would be very mindful of developing a relationship with someone who behaves this way so early on in a relationship - possible warning signs???

 

Give him some time to chill out a bit, and give him the space that he's asking for - your persistent attempts to get in contact are literally only going to cause damage and play into his hands. Try to calm yourself, and see what happens in the next 7 to 14 days.

 

If he backs down and get in touch to apologise, you now know you have something to work with. Perhaps sit down and talk to him about trust issues, and explain that his 'cutting you off' behaviour is hurtful and a little immature.

 

If he doesn't get back in touch, then it wasn't meant to be and you will LEARN from this situation, once you recover from short-term heartache, and become a better, stronger human ready for the next person who comes into you life

 

If you take my advice or not, just be mindful of getting into a relationship with anyone who shows signs of being unforgiving and unwilling/prepared to communicate.

 

All strong relationships that last are built on the ability to understand each others needs and communicate openly.

[Altea]

Thank you, I know he has manipulated me before, several times. I will not go into detail but I have let it happen.

 

I was reading online that he is showing the classic signs of somebody that still cares. The thing is, he has four previous broken relationships and he admits he has trust issues. He is now completely ignoring me though. If I am honest, it was the trust issues that triggered me going on line, because combined with my self esteem issues and some constantly questioning my integrity, it just sent me off on the bad path. I have tried to explain but he will not see it. He wants to believe I was cheating on him.

 

I have pleaded with him to see that its only the end if he says it is and it can be stronger if he works with me and allows me to earn his forgiveness but he will not have it. He is very guided by his friends and he tried to end it once before because of them and I stopped him. I told him last night it is easier to run whereas I want to talk and deal with the issues and I know we can be amazing. He refuses to see it though.

 

My problem is that I was cautious about leaving my relationship for him, but I am more than willing to do that for him now.

 

You are right about being uncommunicative and unforgiving, I have been so much whereas he closes up and each time it is me that has brought him around. This time, it is my fault and he cant do it for me.

 

I think you are right. Thank you. This is why I wanted someone to talk to me, as I know deep down, but I am trying not to listen to my heart.

[Altea]

Do you think I could write a letter. As he is in Spain, it would not arrive until after Christmas.

[PinkElephants]

I then returned and because of my domestic situation I was so low, I just went online chatting to people and I got caught. I was not going to meet anyone.

 

He sees it as cheating and I need him to understand.

It doesn't matter if you intended to meet anyone or not. What you're doing IS cheating. You're cheating on your boyfriend with the Spanish guy and cheating on the Spanish guy online. Your online actions are cheating because you were looking for an emotional fix from someone else while lying to the one(s) you're in a relationship with.

 

Why do you want to be with this guy? You say that he can't communicate, he ignores you and cuts you off. This is hurtful behavior that you shouldn't be settling for.

 

In this case, though, I do understand his actions. He's behaving like someone who's hurt and lashing out. He already knows you'll screw around on your boyfriend and now he knows you'll screw around on him. Trust is effortless to maintain but almost impossible to rebuild and you've broken it from the start.

 

I have pleaded with him to see that its only the end if he says it is and it can be stronger if he works with me and allows me to earn his forgiveness but he will not have it. I told him last night it is easier to run whereas I want to talk and deal with the issues and I know we can be amazing. He refuses to see it though.

It's actually easier for him to find someone who's single and won't run to online fixes when low.

 

I forgive people when I've built a rapport with them. Friends, families, boyfriends have hurt me and I've gotten over it because I know that they love me and they're good people who make mistakes. If a new acquaintance did something hurtful, I'd cut them off swiftly and not look back because all I know of them is the bad since there was no good relationship built first.

 

Maybe this guy did the same thing. Maybe he decided you're just too much work and untrustworthy and it's easier, and healthier, to find someone single who has better coping skills.

 

I am in a relationship here and it is not good but I guess I do not have the confidence to do anything about it as I have so may esteem issues.

This is the real issue, I think. Don't leave your relationship for this guy, just leave it. Figure out why you have such low self-esteem that you can't leave a bad relationship unless you have someone else to cling to.

 

I'd leave this guy alone. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned. Maybe you can learn to stand on your own, up your standards, cope better, or something else positive.