Ultimatum!!!

[gunslingerx]

My girlfriend has given me a marriage ultimatum. I really can't believe that this is happening. I've heard of it, but never actually thought it would happen. We've been together less than a year and she already wants me to propose. She said I have a year to propose and I think she's moving a little faster than I. We're both 24 and this all came about because we were planning on living together at the start of 2016 and she said her family is very conservative and she would never hear the end of it if we move in. I guess she wants a show of faith to prove to her family that we won't just break up and have lived together in sin for no reason. She does feel bad about us being together physically without marriage. What should I do??? Let her break up with me or let her force me into marriage.

[Stercrazy]

Actually....TBH.....I would break up with her. From what you wrote it doesn't sound like YOU are ready for marriage. You should be comfortable getting engaged and without feeling pressured. Especially since you were given a time table. Not cool at all.

[CarrieT]

I would break up with her as well.

 

Trust me - how you view life and your future is going to change DRASTICALLY in the next four to five years (it always starts to happen by the 28th year and peaks at the 31st year).

 

Do *not* saddle yourself with someone yet - especially someone who is pressuring you.

[Glitters]

Did you guys talk about it before ? If yes , then she gave you time to think about it and you probably ignored and that's why she gave an ultimatum. If not , then I doubt the situation would have come to give an ultimatum. It's usually after something has been rehashed without conclusion.

 

Solution is not to break up but don't move in together yet. Postpone it till some resolution is reached.

[lolablue17]

Tell her that:

 

1. Any ultimatum ruins relationships. It means that if she doesn't take back the ultimatum, the relationship is ruined anyway, no matter if you wanted to marry her or not.

 

2. Ask her to think: Does she want to marry someone who is not ready yet? Is this the kind of husband she wishes to have, a husband who was forced to marry her by an ultimatum?

Edited December 19, 2015 by lolablue17

[wb1988]

I agree with the above. Also you should tell her that if she loves you enough to marry you then she should love you enough to wait till you're ready, whenever that may be.

[d0nnivain]

If you were a bit older & had been together a lot longer I could understand the ultimatum but in this situation it's a problem. You can't move in with her. I don't know that I'd go immediately to break up but I would have a talk with her & tell her it's way too soon & even a year from now it will be too soon to talk about marriage.

[No_Go]

Just cancel the plans of living together. That's what bothers her.

 

Then explain to her why you're not ready for marriage right now, and tell her where you stand on that topic.

 

If she breaks up with you after that... She was not worth it.

 

My girlfriend has given me a marriage ultimatum. I really can't believe that this is happening. I've heard of it, but never actually thought it would happen. We've been together less than a year and she already wants me to propose. She said I have a year to propose and I think she's moving a little faster than I. We're both 24 and this all came about because we were planning on living together at the start of 2016 and she said her family is very conservative and she would never hear the end of it if we move in. I guess she wants a show of faith to prove to her family that we won't just break up and have lived together in sin for no reason. She does feel bad about us being together physically without marriage. What should I do??? Let her break up with me or let her force me into marriage.

[Popsicle]

I can't believe you're asking this. You need to search yourself to answer this. We can not answer this for you.

[Hopeful30]

Less than a year? Ha!

 

Run Forest, RUN!

[gunslingerx]

Wow I got replies real fast! Lol. I honestly don't wanna break up with her Cuz I do love her. But when I tell her that I feel forced she says if I truly loved her I wouldn't feel forced, that I would just know. And also she is the one who came out with the idea to move in together. I also said no then and she freaked out. What I really want is for her to just SLOW DOWN!!! Not only have we been together for less than a year but only known eachother for less than a year. We're both students I'm a senior about to graduate and I don't work I want to be a Police Officer she works at her college for work studies. We both live with Parents. I thought people get married after a few years together. This is my first real relationship and her second. I have a younger brother whose been with his highschool sweet heart for about 6yrs and she's never pressured him also a younger cousin with a girl he's been with longer than I.

[Ic1]

Many in this thread have addressed in this way already:

You need to think why she is really doing this from her perspective. Why are any true ultimatums done? For example, a criminal kidnaps some kids and demands $100,000. They're done to get one of two things done, by threatening that the other will happen soon.

 

She's threatening you to get you locked with her. Why is she doing it? Because she has a fear you could leave. Does she know there's better ones and she's not good for you?

Edited December 20, 2015 by Ic1

[katiegrl]

Wow I got replies real fast! Lol. I honestly don't wanna break up with her Cuz I do love her. But when I tell her that I feel forced she says if I truly loved her I wouldn't feel forced, that I would just know. And also she is the one who came out with the idea to move in together. I also said no then and she freaked out. What I really want is for her to just SLOW DOWN!!! Not only have we been together for less than a year but only known eachother for less than a year. We're both students I'm a senior about to graduate and I don't work I want to be a Police Officer she works at her college for work studies. We both live with Parents. I thought people get married after a few years together. This is my first real relationship and her second. I have a younger brother whose been with his highschool sweet heart for about 6yrs and she's never pressured him also a younger cousin with a girl he's been with longer than I.

 

You keep saying you've been together "less than a year."

 

Define less than a year. A few months? Six months? Nine months? 11.5 months?

 

It sounds like she wants to get married ...to whom is irrelevant...she just wants to be married.

 

Otherwise, she would be happy living together for awhile, not to mention love you enough to wait for you to catch up to her with regards to being ready..

 

Marriage is a big decision and huge undertaking. You are only 24!

 

A year (or less?) is way too soon to decide this.....

[RedRobin]

Lots of people don't believe in shacking up before marriage. I don't.

 

Lots of people don't believe in sex before marriage... (That's not me)...

 

Point being, some people think dating forever gives you a better chance of marital success. Wanna hear something strange? It doesn't.

 

The amount of time you know someone in advance of marriage has no statistical relationship to marital success.

 

In fact, those who live together first have a higher chance if divorce than those who don't.

 

Long story short... Some people know who they want to marry. Some people never do.

 

A year or something close is more than enough to know if you want to try and put a life together. If you don't know by now, then she is right. Just walk. If you think you might, you could always have a long engagement.

 

I break up with men after about 6 months to a year if I don't see progress in that direction. I don't even give an ultimatum. You are lucky she even told you. If it were me, I'd dump any guy who was just coasting with me.

 

I dunno. Maybe there is some way you could reassure her.

[Toodaloo]

Don't move in with this girl.

 

Call her bluff.

 

What she is doing is throwing tantrums.

 

If she is doing it now then its not going to stop.

 

If you go so far as to marry the girl then I guarantee you will be sleeping on the sofa... a lot...

[Els]

I would break up with her as well.

 

Trust me - how you view life and your future is going to change DRASTICALLY in the next four to five years (it always starts to happen by the 28th year and peaks at the 31st year).

 

Do *not* saddle yourself with someone yet - especially someone who is pressuring you.

 

As someone in her late 20s, I agree completely with this. The person I was at 24 is very different from the person that I am now, and is likely to evolve further in the next few years as well. When I was in my early 20s I was considering marriage with my then-ex. Thank freakin' goodness that never panned out, it would have been a divorce for sure.

 

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Don't let anyone pressure you into it. On the other hand, if your gf doesn't want to live together before marriage, that's her prerogative as well, don't pressure her into it. If both of your desires conflict without possibility of compromise then you're just incompatible and would be better off going your separate ways.

 

And dating less than a year? Man, don't even get me started on that. I think less than a year COULD work for people who are in their mid 30s or later and are very confident in who they are and what they want, but in your 20s it's a recipe for disaster IMO.

[Leucine]

Absolutely don't go with it.

 

As you said it's your first real relationship, and you can already tell from your brother's and other people's relationships that these kind of ultimatums are not normal. What it sounds like you have on your hands is someone from a deeply religious/conservative family that would place immense pressure on her to go exactly by the book, and pile all that pressure on you as well instead of making well-reasoned, independent decisions. Unless you agree with that sort of philosophy, make it clear to her that you're not having any type of ultimatum, and if she's not willing to compromise, then move on. Plenty of things left for you to explore in life yet, if you get married to her in these circumstances it's a disaster waiting to happen.

[bathtub-row]

This is a very bizarre expectation of hers and she is overly anxious to get you to commit. It doesn't matter how crazy you are about her, you don't know her that well and this pressure to get engaged so soon is a red flag.

 

Be very careful with this girl if you refuse to propose to her because, in her desperation to keep you around, her next stunt will be to get pregnant. Women this focused on keeping a guy will go to great lengths to do so, and don't think she's not capable of it because she is. If that happens, you'll have a true mess on your hands.

 

I think you should break up with her. But if you don't want to do that, then at least change your plans to move in together. If the two of you living together is that big of a deal to her and her family, then do something else.

Edited December 20, 2015 by bathtub-row