Should I be worried about this guy?

[Velveteen Jared]

Hello again, this is an update on my previous post (Am I losing my wife).

I very much appreciate all the advice and responses that I got before. Thanks.

 

We attended the Christmas party where my wife works. Alcohol was being served and one of my wife's coworkers, a fellow doctor, got very drunk and told me that he was in love with my wife and he wished he was me. He went on and on about how lucky I was and how beautiful and smart she was. I tried my best to blow it off and let it go.

 

I didn't mention it to my wife until we got home. I've never met this guy before, I wasn't sure if he was married or not, my wife has never mentioned him to me before. When we got home, I casually asked my wife about some of her coworkers that I met tonight. She didn't have much to say about him other than a few cases she mentioned that she's working on.

 

After my wife fell asleep, I looked through her phone and found some personal emails between them that talked about their relationships (her with me and him with a woman he met and has begun dating). She asked him several questions about what he thinks on different things about our relationship and he asks her opinion on different things about the woman he's dating.

 

They seem close, but I can't tell if it's just normal correspondence between two psychologists or if it's more. She asked him what he thought about me working so much and some other things that were a little hurtful, but nothing untrue, things about me being boring or lazy or unadventurous. He didn't say anything bad about me, but he did say that maybe we weren't meant to be together, and it makes me uncomfortable that she's talking to him about it and not me.

 

They also talk about mountain climbing, which she is into and I'm not, and that worries me because I feel like I don't measure up. That's one of the things she loves most in life and I'm scared to death of it. I go along but I know I hold her back, but she doesn't want to do it without me. She says it wouldn't mean as much without me. Also he told her about how he feeds deer and birds. She is a huge animal lover. She also told him about how she dreams of opening an animal sanctuary one day. He told her how he was becoming a vegetarian because of all that she's told him. I wonder if he's just telling her these things because he knows what she's passionate about in life.

 

Do I need to be worried about this? Should I ask her about it? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[Try]

We attended the Christmas party where my wife works. Alcohol was being served and one of my wife's coworkers, a fellow doctor, got very drunk and told me that he was in love with my wife and he wished he was me. He went on and on about how lucky I was and how beautiful and smart she was. I tried my best to blow it off and let it go.

 

I didn't mention it to my wife until we got home. I've never met this guy before, I wasn't sure if he was married or not, my wife has never mentioned him to me before. When we got home, I casually asked my wife about some of her coworkers that I met tonight. She didn't have much to say about him other than a few cases she mentioned that she's working on.

 

After my wife fell asleep, I looked through her phone and found some personal emails between them that talked about their relationships (her with me and him with a woman he met and has begun dating). She asked him several questions about what he thinks on different things about our relationship and he asks her opinion on different things about the woman he's dating.

 

They seem close, but I can't tell if it's just normal correspondence between two psychologists or if it's more. She asked him what he thought about me working so much and some other things that were a little hurtful, but nothing untrue, things about me being boring or lazy or unadventurous. He didn't say anything bad about me, but he did say that maybe we weren't meant to be together, and it makes me uncomfortable that she's talking to him about it and not me.

 

They also talk about mountain climbing, which she is into and I'm not, and that worries me because I feel like I don't measure up. That's one of the things she loves most in life and I'm scared to death of it. I go along but I know I hold her back, but she doesn't want to do it without me. She says it wouldn't mean as much without me. Also he told her about how he feeds deer and birds. She is a huge animal lover. She also told him about how she dreams of opening an animal sanctuary one day. He told her how he was becoming a vegetarian because of all that she's told him.

She does not tell you about him, yet she tells him everything about you behind your back. By doing this she has given him home court advantage with her over you, when as her husband you are always suppose to have the advantage over every other man. She has told him that you are "boring or lazy or unadventurous" and he tells her "that maybe we weren't meant to be together". He is thus not a friend of the marriage.

 

He flat out told you that he is "in love with" your wife, and that he wished he where you, so you know what his intentions are. This other man is pursing your wife and you wife is letting him. If you Google "Taking another man's woman" you will find many sites that will tell you how to do this. The standard advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. One site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship.” This and other such sites tell you that no one is perfect so that no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. For example, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes”, and continues with “If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it". Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in.” This other man targeted your wife and is following the plan to steal your wife to the tee.

 

Demand that she go full not contact with this other man (OM). Tell her a basic martial boundary is that spouse cannot have opposite sex friends that are not friends of the marriage, and that this man is clearly not a friend of the marriage. If she tries to gets mad that you violated her privacy, tell her that in a healthy marriage the only expectation of privacy should be when you go to the bathroom. Then refocus the discussion on you being made that she violated the privacy of your marriage by talking to him about your issues behind your back. Take a strong stand now before it is too late. If it is not already and emotional affair (EA), it soon will be.

[NewLeaf512]

Hello again, this is an update on my previous post (Am I losing my wife).

I very much appreciate all the advice and responses that I got before. Thanks.

 

We attended the Christmas party where my wife works. Alcohol was being served and one of my wife's coworkers, a fellow doctor, got very drunk and told me that he was in love with my wife and he wished he was me. He went on and on about how lucky I was and how beautiful and smart she was. I tried my best to blow it off and let it go.

 

I didn't mention it to my wife until we got home. I've never met this guy before, I wasn't sure if he was married or not, my wife has never mentioned him to me before. When we got home, I casually asked my wife about some of her coworkers that I met tonight. She didn't have much to say about him other than a few cases she mentioned that she's working on.

 

After my wife fell asleep, I looked through her phone and found some personal emails between them that talked about their relationships (her with me and him with a woman he met and has begun dating). She asked him several questions about what he thinks on different things about our relationship and he asks her opinion on different things about the woman he's dating.

 

They seem close, but I can't tell if it's just normal correspondence between two psychologists or if it's more. She asked him what he thought about me working so much and some other things that were a little hurtful, but nothing untrue, things about me being boring or lazy or unadventurous. He didn't say anything bad about me, but he did say that maybe we weren't meant to be together, and it makes me uncomfortable that she's talking to him about it and not me.

 

They also talk about mountain climbing, which she is into and I'm not, and that worries me because I feel like I don't measure up. That's one of the things she loves most in life and I'm scared to death of it. I go along but I know I hold her back, but she doesn't want to do it without me. She says it wouldn't mean as much without me. Also he told her about how he feeds deer and birds. She is a huge animal lover. She also told him about how she dreams of opening an animal sanctuary one day. He told her how he was becoming a vegetarian because of all that she's told him. I wonder if he's just telling her these things because he knows what she's passionate about in life.

 

Do I need to be worried about this? Should I ask her about it? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm not a psychologist and obviously I don't know any of you, but I am a woman. I do not think that type of sharing is appropriate to someone other than your spouse. As to him, it seems as though he is trying to veil his adulation. Having male friends is normal, him changing feels a bit too much.

 

You are best poised to know if that is your W usual degree of openness.

[road]

They are having an EA, emotional affair. Copy those texts/emails and expose this EA to the OM's wife.

 

 

Then your WW must go NC with this OM. That means a new job.

[BetrayedH]

Get the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Read it. Confront your wife. And insist that she read it.

 

You need to confront this situation before it gets out of control. You need to establish a firm boundary and you need to be serious about it. While you may feel scared that you're going to lose your wife, you need to confront this from a position of strength. Fight for your marriage, insist on firm boundaries, and she will feel valued. Play it weak or needy and you'll seem pathetic, which will drive her to her confidant.

 

You may have caught this in time. Take advantage of that. Most of us were too late in our discoveries.

 

I do think it's perfectly reasonable to offer to your wife a serious attempt to revitalize your marriage and show her that you're willing to reinvest and change where it is needed. But insist that ANY relationship with this OM has to come to an end immediately and you expect full transparency from her about it. Her relationship with him is fully inappropriate and if she wants to salvage her marriage at all, it stops now.

[66Charger]

I would go about this differently.

 

I would not talk to your wife first, I would go talk to this guy. Tell him you don't appreciate him talking about your marriage and professing his love for your wife. Let him know, in no uncertain terms that if this continues, there will be a heavy price to pay. In closing, tell him that if what he told you was not done at the Christmas party, he would have gotten a punch in the face, and if he continues, you will kick his ass.

 

Then tell him to tell her exactly what you said.

 

When your wife comes back and confronts you, DONT BACK DOWN. Look her straight in the eyes, and tell her you said it and you meant it, and that any "man" who thinks he can come in and talk smack and try to sneak attack his wife and marriage is going to face a battle and that she should have been straight with you.

 

Then go read some books together.

 

Sounds a little ghetto, but you had better not beta this response. You got lucky, that the fool was drunk and opened his mouth. You need to shut it,

 

I am quite sure many will say that this is the wrong approach and you should be civil. Maybe they are right, but if you send this message to him AND YOUR WIFE, that you value YOURSELF, love your wife and demand respect for the marriage, it may pay off in the long run.

 

Happy Holidays.

Edited December 19, 2015 by 66Charger

[yodelwithyu]

You should be worried, in my opinion. When you asked about him indirectly, she just mentioned some cases they have worked on and not much else. If everything was on the right side of the line, she would have just said something like "oh yeah, him? We are friends and chat email) once in a while."

 

So even if nothing physical has happened, or feelings have't been professed, she is still hiding it from you. And that is shady. Add that to what the guy said drunk.

 

I don't believe in coincidences like that. Huge red flag.

[Try]

I would not talk to your wife first, I would go talk to this guy. Tell him you don't appreciate him talking about your marriage and professing his love for your wife. Let him know, in no uncertain terms that if this continues, there will be a heavy price to pay. In closing, tell him that if what he told you was not done at the Christmas party, he would have gotten a punch in the face, and if he continues, you will kick his ass.

One of the problems with this approach is that it could actually make matters worse for the OP. If the other man (OM) is in the OP's face and calls the OP's bluff, the OP would be forced to either try to "kick his ass", or to back down, leaving the OP in a no win situation. If the OP backs down and does not try to kick his ass, the OM wins when he tells the wife what happened. If the OP does try to kick his ass and loses, the OM wins when he tells the wife what happened. If the OP does try to kick his ass and wins, the OM has the OP arrested, get a restraining order against the OP that the wife can use to her advantage should there be a divorce, gets financial advantage, and wins when he tells the wife that he will not get her in trouble at work over the actions of her husband.

[66Charger]

Some times it doesnt matter wether you win or lose, but that you stand your ground and show that you will protect. I have won some fights and lost some, but would never allow the disrespect that this guy showed. How in the world would you think that you could get away with that? Perhaps I am just not velveteen.

 

Choose your own direction OP, but you need to put a stop to this.

 

Today.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed you wife would be very very upset so why aren't you? He is grooming her to have sex with him when he told her that maybe she was not meant to be with you. It is so obvious that even a blind man can see this. In addition, she did not tell you about him when you asked. Time to have a sit down with her before it is too late.

[Morro72]

Just read your other thread and boy am I confused. Sounds like yor wife wants a masochistic alcoholic mountain-climbing vegetarian nature-lover. You really want to be with someone who wants that kind of guy? You really want to be that guy? You want to be the betrayed husband of someone who cheats with that kind of guy?

 

You don't need a VAR or a PI. You need a lawyer and a good pair of running shoes.

Edited December 19, 2015 by Morro72

[Oberfeldwebel]

People are always going to have people that they are friends with at work, but there isn’t a need to contact them beyond work. Any person in your life need to be friends of your marriage, they need to respect common boundaries. I think in his drunken state he professed to you what he has only expressed to her in private. She needs to go no contact with this person, except for necessary work. If she can’t separate work from business, then she needs to quit.

 

It is funny that when a women pours her heart out to another man, she is telling him indirectly exactly what to say. All the other man has to do is play to the things she says you don’t do. Slowly that emotional bonding will spread to physical and bingo a full-fledged affair is happening. I think that you two should look for things that you both enjoy. I think you need to seek counseling, set boundaries and open all communication devices and media to inspection to both of you. When you say mountain climbing, do you mean hiking or ropes, pitons and ice picks?

[Marc878]

Red flags. This is how affairs start and once they do it's tough to stop or get over.

 

Let his wife know all the details of what went on if he's married.

 

Wake up!!!! This is your, life, family and future you have the right to protect it.

 

If you are weak, passive at this time you lose.

 

If I were you I'd take care of business now.

 

You've gotten good advice. Now put put it to use.

[Poutrew]

Reading this really really triggered me. Your wife is engaged in an emotional affair with this man. She likes the smoke he is blowing up her ass. It massages her ego. The fact that he came right out and told her that she shouldn't be married to you and she didn't shut him down then and there is a HUGE red flag. Then there is the fact that she lied to your face when you directly confronted her about who this guy is, has pounded the nail into the coffin lid of your marriage. By taking this action she is defending him. This is a huge disrespect to your marriage.

 

 

Let the OM wife know what he is up to with your wife - print out the messages and let her read them. Then sit your wife down and ask her point blank if she wants a divorce. Show her the emails. Let her explain them, if she can. Tell her what the drunken OM told you during the party. Tell her she needs to totally stop ALL communication with this man. She needs to quit her job and get another one. Print out this thread and let her read every reply you are getting - there is literally not one post here that is in her favor. Her actions at this point will tell you if you have a future with her. For example, she may refuse to leave her job. Tell her she has now chosen the OM, and move out. Begin divorce proceedings immediately. Wish her and her lover good luck when they open the animal rescue center together... find another woman, one who will actually respect and value you as a man and a provider.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Seems like she minimized the relationship when you asked her about it. I wouldn't go overboard regarding what a sloshed guy said at a Christmas party. Her confiding in him is not good, though, seems to me.

 

You have a choice to make. Take a stand now and head off anything that might develop (if it has not yet), and if you are wrong you're going to look bad. Or go into investigative mode and see if anything is blossoming or happening on your watch. With evidence, you can take a strong moral stand.

 

Good luck.

[dichotomy]

Having those kind of discussions (issues she has with you and the marriage, discussing his relationships) is the start of an EA. She has crossed a boundary and she knows it because she is ling and hiding it from you. She also has probably heard or understands this mans feelings towards her, regardless of her emotions towards him.

 

As how to confront her - I am not sure best approach. Certainly I would recommend a bit more spying - emails, Facebook, what ever before confronting. When confronted - she will brush it off, claim it was nothing - be firm and say you consider this a betrayal and a type of emotional affair and you would not stay married to to someone who continues this.

[sandylee1]

There are situations in which one may wish to get the view of a member of the opposite sex about the behaviour or actions of their spouse/partner ..... BUT .... complaining about the spouse and having the other person criticise the spouse is disrespectful.

 

She is basically telling him all your faults.....so he knows the weaknesses in the marriage and will capitalise on them.

 

It amazes me how people take leave of their senses when they have consumed alcohol..... he just got the courage to say what he feels towards your wife. You need to find out if your wife is in this marriage or if she wants out.

 

Speak to her..tell her what the OM said how he has told her that you guys aren't suited. Say it like he told you everything and ask what she wants to do. .. because with this guys designs on your wife.. it will soon be a PA.

 

If she thinks he told you everything she'll go mad at him... he was apparently so drunk as to disrespect you. ....by saying he was in love with her...so he won't remember will he?

That way.... you keep your source of information secret.

[io2iio]

Women cannot have emotional feelings for 2 men. If another man is meeting her emotional needs then its just a matter of time when doink doink happens physically between them and you will be totally out of the picture.

 

There are a couple of things you can do to restore your relationship. You got to create emotional drama that will create a storm of emotions in her whether it is negative or positive in her. You cant let her cause emotional drama in your mind. You got be the Jedi who can hack her mind before it gets too late.

 

You cant change her mind, all you can do is you can create that attraction she has lost for you. If all else fails, have an affair and make sure she becomes aware of it .

[Friskyone4u]

If you are not worried about this guy, your next post is going to be after you catch her cheating with him.

 

The first step on the downward slope is sharing personal discussions with a co worker of the opposite sex. She's already there on that one. Any conversations that she would not have with you there are not OK. And avoiding discussion of him is another red flag. Cheater 101. Make you think you are imagining things.

 

now you can do one of two things.

(1) bury your head in the sand and HOPE it is and stays nothing.

(2) do a little more snooping and find out the truth

 

If you choose number one, if you are wrong you will undergo the most painful experience of your life. And you will kick yourself in the ass because you had the opportunity to trust your gut and try to find out. And by the way, affairs between co workers are the hardest to detect and hardest to stop.

 

If you choose number two, I suggest you put a VAR in her car and you will get your answers within a week. And if she lockes her phone or is on it all the time, those are also major red flags.

 

Your course of action is up to you, but the fact that you are here tells us what your gut feels.

[DAO]

There are situations in which one may wish to get the view of a member of the opposite sex about the behaviour or actions of their spouse/partner ..... BUT .... complaining about the spouse and having the other person criticise the spouse is disrespectful.

 

She is basically telling him all your faults.....so he knows the weaknesses in the marriage and will capitalise on them.

 

It amazes me how people take leave of their senses when they have consumed alcohol..... he just got the courage to say what he feels towards your wife. You need to find out if your wife is in this marriage or if she wants out.

 

Speak to her..tell her what the OM said how he has told her that you guys aren't suited. Say it like he told you everything and ask what she wants to do. .. because with this guys designs on your wife.. it will soon be a PA.

 

If she thinks he told you everything she'll go mad at him... he was apparently so drunk as to disrespect you. ....by saying he was in love with her...so he won't remember will he?

That way.... you keep your source of information secret.

 

 

By far,the best advice how to proceed with confrontation,as you can not afford to reveal your source of information. Speak to your wife and question OM knowledge about your marriage ,yours personal life,your wife life ,etc Keep OM and your wife off balance.Also,start to make derogatory,disgusting comments about OM in front of your wife. Make sure that those comments have reflection on your wife as well.Tell her something lake this"What a Muppet,bragging about people's intimate details ,his girlfriend certainly hit the jackpot" or"it is funny drunken clown talking about mountain climbing " or "Why OM girlfriend did not attend the party?Does he always act as a cretin when drunk?Poor girl,she was afraid he might brag about theirs private life."

 

Personally,I believe, the behaviour of the OM is not a drunken incident.Let us not forget he is a psychologist. His playing cruel mind games.He is determined to have her,and from that perspective he made brilliant move.Highly likely,his next move will be to tell your wife,as fun,about your reaction on his comments.Result of this move can and will have the huge impact on your marriage ,your wife and you.As all this might look like as a harmless joke (at your expense),in the reality it gives him a chance to confess his love without fear of rejection ,and, at the same time humiliate you in the eyes of your wife.

All in all very profound and extremely cruel.

Edited December 20, 2015 by DAO

[Velveteen Jared]

Thanks for everyone's responses. I'm sorry this reply is late in coming. I have not confronted her again about this but I have done some more digging.

 

I logged into her Facebook and found correspondence between them and they were discussing a trip to Alaska this February. My wife has been planning to climb Denali this coming February with a group of fellow climbers.

 

She was telling him she did not think it was a good idea that he go with them. I was unaware that he was even planning on going, as I have met all of the people she normally climbs with. That was the most recent message from her to him.

 

Previous messages were her asking him if he would like to go and them discussing the logistics of the trip and him asking her lots of details, apparently he is not as experienced as she is.

 

Is this a good sign that she has told him not to go? This is all I have found so far. Should I leave it at that?

 

Do you think he might have come on to her while drunk at the party and she realized his intentions and is now trying to distance herself? I am cautiously optimistic.

[Marc878]

Get her a copy of Not Just Friends to read.

[Sparta]

Yeah this is definitely, A relationship that has cross the lines I would agree that it seems like it's in the beginning stages. When a Wife discusses anything about your character your shortcomings with another male. Coworker huge red flags.

Don't think she's so innocent buddy. She maybe told him to not go on this trip because his inexperience and rockclimbing. but she did ask him to go, that's not good. That guy Is *********, but he's not your problem your problem lies with your wife and her boundaries. I haven't read much on your bread except for what you wrote. I'm sure you got great advice. I don't know if I would confront her yet. I would definitely watch. Monitor all forms of media your wife uses. right now would be the perfect time And please remember this if you ever do confront. you can invest in VAR, Digital voice recorder you get a minute Amazon get the (Sony ICDPX333) to place one under her driver side seat, Record who she talk to you while she's driving to work and back. if you want to keep track of her. good time to do this now is turn on her tracking on her iPhone and she has one then you can use, find my phone app, Keylogger software her comp. look I would start putting the stuff in place just because of the red flags. hey better safe than sorry, if you think spying on your wife is wrong. What about your wife having an affair. I think it's fair trade off. never confront her and without physical evidence pictures, copies of the texts, because anything hear say she'll talk her way out of it. They become the biggest liars. Look she already like you that's a start about talking to help him she's been him. Remember we are your support keep updating us.

[Morro72]

You really can't infer anything from her telling the guy not to go on ths Denali trip. It might mean what you suggest; it might mean that she doesn't want people you know to see how he acts around her when you're not around; it may even mean that she doesn't want him to get between her and her real AP. The point is, you don't know what's going on, and until you take some specific, concrete, effective steps to find out, you're just going to keep spinning your wheels.

[Friskyone4u]

You really can't infer anything from her telling the guy not to go on ths Denali trip. It might mean what you suggest; it might mean that she doesn't want people you know to see how he acts around her when you're not around; it may even mean that she doesn't want him to get between her and her real AP. The point is, you don't know what's going on, and until you take some specific, concrete, effective steps to find out, you're just going to ke

 

The above is the truth. If you are trying to make conclusions with no facts you are playing Russian roulette.

 

It appears to me that she knows these other climbers and it is going to be hard for them to carry on like a couple with all the other around. Not much privacy in a mountain climbing group where every bands together to stay safe.

 

Put a damm VAR in her car and you will know the truth in a matter of days