LilMama1097 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I was with my fiance for years and we have a 4 year old daughter together. He built resentment toward me for not getting a job sooner and we were ultimately evicted 12/6/15. He wrote me a letter in my journal that morning before we left our home of how much he loves me and that we will make it through this. I ended up moving one place with my kids and he moved in with his brother (his brother HATES ME!) My ex was really sweet the first couple days and even took me on a "date" the 2nd night of us in separate home. (We couldn't find anywhere that all of us could stay and be together) The 3rd night he didn't even text me goodnight and that week following he became extremely distant and when I asked him why he said "he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore because of the resentment of the lack of employment" during this week, I landed a full time corporate office job with benefits, great pay and everything! Well, a few days ago he told me I needed to find my independence, he loved me and cared about me but we can't be together anymore but he doesn't want to lose me completely and wants to be "friends. " Before this break up he was ignoring my calls and not texting my back. He's the type that shuts down completely when he's hurting. However, since we broke up he answers my texts within minutes and is really sweet to me through text and on the phone. I only contact him about our daughter. Tonight when she called him to say goodnight, I didn't even get in the phone. When she said I love you, goodnight and bye I just hung the phone up. Last night he even text me that he wants to take me out for my birthday December 30th. I don't understand what he's doing. .......btw I know 100% for sure he's not cheating or even talking to another female. At least that would make a little sense but not really. ... The weird thing is I was so in love with him but when he broke up with me, I felt relieved and it's been 4 days now and I haven't cried once or felt sad once. I've been so focused on my new career, being a single mom and enjoying my independence that I haven't felt sad at all. I don't understand why I'm not hurting. I'm scared that sadness will creep up on me out of nowhere. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this but I've been reading this forum like crazy the past week and figured I should introduce myself. There's my story, my name is Mel and I'm now a single mommy to my 3 kiddos.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Mel, block him, and live your life. Seems this disaster turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to you.... However, your daughter needs to see her dad. That's only right, and as her dad he is entitled to remain in contact with her. Make sure that aspect of her life doesn't suffer. When it comes to your little girl, it's all about and for her, so don't let your feelings about what has happened between you two, have any influence or bearing on that. Don't be his 'friend'. That's not possible. He's ended it, so that part is over. Encourage contact between your little girl and him. As for you, don't even think about a birthday dinner.... Happy New year!
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Hi Mel, it's great to see you open up and post your story. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but no matter what happens you will come out the other side stronger and better than ever! Always remember that! The weird thing is I was so in love with him but when he broke up with me, I felt relieved and it's been 4 days now and I haven't cried once or felt sad once. I've been so focused on my new career, being a single mom and enjoying my independence that I haven't felt sad at all. I don't understand why I'm not hurting. I'm scared that sadness will creep up on me out of nowhere. Wow. This is very interesting indeed. Here's my unprofessional judgement of what it means: 1. The stress of being with him and your three kids, trying to find a job, and (what I would imagine) arguing all the time is finally gone from your life. Deep down, you cared about this man and truly wanted the best for him, but you didn't want to be with him anymore because of what he was putting you through. You obviously haven't settled down or found yourself yet. More commitment while trying to improve on yourself and figure out your life was not what you wanted, and now you finally have that extra burden out of your way. You couldn't bring yourself to break up with him because he was such a big part of your life for so long and couldn't see yourself without. Maybe you confused caring about him with loving him, and him breaking it off with you finally made you realize that you don't need/want him in your life. 2. Since it seems the two of you are still in contact, it may have not settled in yet that you are split up. You know in your mind that you are broken up, but in your heart he is still there and the belief that you will both be together in the end remains. I wouldn't really call this lying to yourself, just a lack of acceptance of the situation. The line where you talk about how you believe he is not with other women makes me believe you are still in denial. A week of strict no contact (though your child complicates things) might make you realize that you and him are truly broken up, and those feelings might start to come. I wish the pain of heartbreak upon nobody, and I do truly hope you continue to feel how you do, but I wouldn't be surprised if you start to feel it within the first week of NC. 3. You are a superhero with the ability to get over heartbreak extremely quickly and easily In the end, I truly believe you need to sit down and have a talk with this guy. It doesn't seem like the two of you did this before you split up. Figure out how you feel. Do you still love him? Do you want to be with him? Or do you just want to move on? Don't do this over text or in a short coffee visit. Sit down and talk with him. Have a real heart to heart and take a few hours to hash out all of your feelings and what you want. If you decide splitting is best, decide how to manage life with your child, and then immediately implement no contact (with the exception of when it's necessary due to your child). This might not be the advice the rest of LS gives you (they'll say go immediate into NC), but it just doesn't seem like your relationship was ever officially over, and neither of you seem to be really sure where things stand. I think the finalization (or reconciliation) will be good for both of you, and it is the most mature and effective way to work through this. Regardless of what you decide, congrats on your new job and I hope you continue improving yourself the way that you have. Nobody is ever worth putting yourself second for. Find a man who will grow with you! Good luck OP! 1
Author LilMama1097 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Yeah the whole birthday thing threw me off. He doesn't want to be together but he still wants me in his life. Makes no sense! I 100% encourage his relationship with our daughter though. He wanted to come "spend time with her" here for a while before he took her for the night as in, come over to my house to pick up or daughter but "hang out" here for a while before he left with her that night to have her for the night. I told him I would just pack her bag for the night and leave it at her pre school with her when I dropped her off on my way to work and he can pick her up at pre school when he gets off work, take her to pre school in the morning and I get her from pre school after work. That way there was zero contact between us "those are the type of texts I send him. " He is 30 years old and acting like a confused child with the way he's handled all of this. I feel he is trying to impress his brother that he now lives with by getting rid of me and I bet once he not under his brother's roof, he will try to come back to me. Unfortunately for HIM, I am actually halt and content being independent and I'm enjoying not dealing with his constant mood changes, being disrespectful and insensitive. He can't handle any type of struggles at all. He's weak. Unfortunately I didn't realize that until this wow experience :/
Author LilMama1097 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Hi Mel, it's great to see you open up and post your story. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but no matter what happens you will come out the other side stronger and better than ever! Always remember that! Wow. This is very interesting indeed. Here's my unprofessional judgement of what it means: 1. The stress of being with him and your three kids, trying to find a job, and (what I would imagine) arguing all the time is finally gone from your life. Deep down, you cared about this man and truly wanted the best for him, but you didn't want to be with him anymore because of what he was putting you through. You obviously haven't settled down or found yourself yet. More commitment while trying to improve on yourself and figure out your life was not what you wanted, and now you finally have that extra burden out of your way. You couldn't bring yourself to break up with him because he was such a big part of your life for so long and couldn't see yourself without. Maybe you confused caring about him with loving him, and him breaking it off with you finally made you realize that you don't need/want him in your life. ! This is 1,000% what it is!!! (I laughed at the super hero comment) he was belittling me all the time, I was in egg shells around him and always trying to please him. I KNOW that the one in the loss here is him. I was so good to him. I put him on a pedestal and he truly believes that I will come right back when he decides he wants me back again. He's done this twice before and I was DEVASTATED the first two times. This time I am just completely relieved and if he tries coming back, I will officially be his lesson of "the one that got away" or "he didn't what he had until it was gone" in completely done with him and knowing how intelligent and capable I actually am now and having a job that pays MORE then his does now was his karma. It only frustrates me that he doesn't realize how stupid he's being and what he's lost.
Author LilMama1097 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Sorry, I forgot to add He absolutely 100% does NOT open up no matter how I try to approach him. He either shuts down completely and literally refuses to talk or he will get mad, punch something and still not talk. That relationship was HELL because I'm the opposite. I'm an open book, straight forward and very in touch with my feelings. He was abused horribly growing up any time he cried or acted upset. He had it literally beat into him that "men don't cry and they control their emotions"
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 This is 1,000% what it is!!! (I laughed at the super hero comment) he was belittling me all the time, I was in egg shells around him and always trying to please him. I KNOW that the one in the loss here is him. I was so good to him. I put him on a pedestal and he truly believes that I will come right back when he decides he wants me back again. He's done this twice before and I was DEVASTATED the first two times. This time I am just completely relieved and if he tries coming back, I will officially be his lesson of "the one that got away" or "he didn't what he had until it was gone" in completely done with him and knowing how intelligent and capable I actually am now and having a job that pays MORE then his does now was his karma. It only frustrates me that he doesn't realize how stupid he's being and what he's lost. I'm in the same boat with you! I treated my ex very well, even though she was immature, extremely dependent, and just got on my nerves all of the time. We argued the time because she just annoyed me. Even just going to hang out with her felt like a chore sometimes. But something deep within me told me I could not live without her, and it kept me from leaving her. So after a while I started to get really depressed and dragging her down until she finally left me. We definitely could have talked out our problems, and I did truly care about her, but she just was willing to walk away no problem, so her loss. I think you will experience some sort of sadness. It might come from nowhere, but it will come with time. However, never doubt yourself. Never believe that he determines your self worth. Never think even for a minute that you HAVE to go back because you can't live without him. No matter who you are with, remember that it has to be positive for YOU as well as for him.
Author LilMama1097 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I'm in the same boat with you! I treated my ex very well, even though she was immature, extremely dependent, and just got on my nerves all of the time. We argued the time because she just annoyed me. Even just going to hang out with her felt like a chore sometimes. But something deep within me told me I could not live without her, and it kept me from leaving her. So after a while I started to get really depressed and dragging her down until she finally left me. We definitely could have talked out our problems, and I did truly care about her, but she just was willing to walk away no problem, so her loss. I think you will experience some sort of sadness. It might come from nowhere, but it will come with time. However, never doubt yourself. Never believe that he determines your self worth. Never think even for a minute that you HAVE to go back because you can't live without him. No matter who you are with, remember that it has to be positive for YOU as well as for him. The way you treated your ex is exactly how mine treated me at the end. Always irritable, said he needed space and just shut down and was a jerk. It completely broke my heart. I don't know if he just got overwhelmed and broke it off or what but if I don't text him, he doesn't text me. It's like he doesn't even miss me. I feel like he's able to just get over me so easy but at the same time I know how he is and he shuts down completely rather then showing his pain or communicating it. All this lack of communication has drove me I insane and I just reached a point where in mentally and emotionally exhausted and I've given up. I can't fight for someone that expects me to do all the chasing and worrying. I don't have the energy or tolerance for it anymore. If he wasn't so shut down, we would be amazing together but I can't handle this **** anymore which is why I think I'm so relieved now that it's over.
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