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Gaining confidence when inexperienced


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Posted

Hello people!

 

I'm 36 and I've never had a girlfriend, completely inexperienced with romance and sex, and I've got little self confidence. I had one date through OKCupid last year and felt very guilty about the whole thing afterwards as she told me I was the best guy she'd met so far but I had to tell her I wasn't interested. I went to a speed dating event this summer and had a lot of fun but was disappointed when I found out that none of the women were interested in me - ironic I suppose. I've recently been through therapy for depression and low self-esteem and I've managed to challenge my most critical thoughts but what I've come to realise is that self-confidence is gained mainly through recognising successes.

The problem here is that I haven't had any success with women, at least in terms of mutual interest. I completely missed out on any opportunities when I was younger, holding myself back and winding myself up, trying to keep myself safe from possible humiliation, so I have no idea how I'm meant to spark romance with others. I always seem to start behaving differently when I'm around single women I find attractive, muting my sense of humour and desperately trying to make conversation instead of letting myself be present and authentic. I've got a lot of female friends and we get along famously, I'm good at making them laugh and creating an atmosphere of fun, but I always clam up when I think someone might be available.

So, fine people of loveshack, anyone got any advice on how to loosen up, be myself and break into the world of dating at my age?

Posted

You need start realizing and telling yourself that you are not the only man on earth that doesn't have any dating/sexual experience, and also, that none of the potential opportunities you have with women rely on that aspect of your life. It's also important to know that no one you meet has any idea about who you are or your history with women and dating so you can be anyone you'd like to without the fear of them having insight to your past experiences or lackthereof.

 

I always had success dating because I was able to understand from an early age that rejection and being turned down should be expected any time I approached or went after a girl. Dating is a game of failure. Look at it like baseball. If you go 3-10 that makes you a .300 hitter and hall of famer if you hit for that in your career. But that means you're actually failing to get a hit 7 times out of 10. Dating is the same way. We marry 1 person (or at least we aim to marry 1 person lol) during our lives so the other 99% of people you meet and go out with will never work out.

 

Fake it till you make it. Even if you don't feel confident, that doesn't mean you can't act confident. Be careful not to come off as cocky or arrogant but it's not that difficult to act like you have self security and belief in yourself. When you talk to women you can't think your less than they are because that gives off a vibe which people notice.

 

Remember that any girl you talk to who's single has the same amount of succes you do. They may have dated people before but they haven't found anyone serious yet at the present moment so the playing field is level. If you have a steady job, live on your own , and don't have a criminal record, you're already ahead of the curve with what women look for anyways. Half joking but also half serious with this. If you met a 33 yo single woman, odds are she is far more insecure and worried about ever finding someone to love and be with than you are. So go into it knowing you can be proud of what you have to offer. Sometimes guys like you at your age who don't have experience approach dating with the very nervous, walking on eggshells "do you like me? Should I leave you alone or is it ok if I talk to you more?" Mindset.

 

You slept alone last night, so you've literally got nothing to lose by going for it every chance you get. If it doesn't pan out then you'll still be sleeping alone. If it does, then it's all gravy. Take pride in small victories too. When you're out during your daily life make eye contact with women you're attracted to. If you get eye contact back that's a good thing. If you get prolonged eye contact or a small smile, then you should pat yourself on the back because she's attracted to you even just at first glance. Anytime I went out looking to meet a girl, first thing I looked for and tried to do was make eye contact with someone I thought was attractive. Once you get it back, you have the green light to approach.

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Posted

Think of 10 things you've accomplished outside of dating. They can be as major or minor as you want, just make sure you're proud of them.

 

Write them down into a list, one by one. Each a sentence long.

 

Read that list every day. Read it out loud.

 

 

Most confidence issues have little to do with dating, so boost your confidence by looking at the best part of yourself outside of dating, and convince yourself that all those women you met before missed an opportunity. You've already met 1 woman who clearly was interested. More will come in time.

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Posted

You found someone through OKCupid. Surely, you can find someone again.

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Posted

If you wanted to take up golf after never touching a golf club in your life or take up tennis if you've never played it before, what would you do?

 

 

Would you go to Wal Mart and buy a golf club and ball and go to a golf course and start whacking it hoping to eventually get the ball into the hole?

 

 

Or would you find a coach that could work with you one on one, teach you the basic rules and strategies of the game and then work with you to develop your skills.

 

 

I think you need to look at this the same way. You've developed as an adult human being (I assume that you work, have a place to live, pay bills, have friends, stay out of jail etc etc etc) but you haven't ever been instructed on how to attract, meet, get to know, interact with, express romantic/sexual feelings, develop relationships with women.

 

 

I think you a coach.

 

 

Not some pick up guru or some charlatan on the internet promising to turn you from dud to a stud in 5 easy lessons, but a legitimate, licensed therapist/counselor who specializes in people who have difficulty making interpersonal connections and interrelating with people on a deeper level.

 

 

The counselor(s) you have seen before may have been fine for some of your general anxiety/depression and self esteem issues, but you need to find one that specializes in people who have difficulty in making deeper personal and romantic/sexual connections.

 

 

This process is likely to be very scary and perhaps even painful for you as you will have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and you will not only risk rejections and dead ends and relationships ending, but you will most definitely experience them.

 

 

Even Brad Pitt has experienced rejections, failures, divorce etc etc and he probably thought some of them really hurt at the time.

 

 

Books and websites and such can help but like a one on one coach working with you to evaluate and offer instruction on your golf swing, so too can someone working with you to learn how to meet and interact personally with people.

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