His ex partner emailed me

[JenniC]

Hi guys.

 

This could be long-ish so please bear with me.

 

Okay. So, about four months ago I began volunteering for a local charity. I got on well with a supervisor there and we hit it off, despite him being older than me - I'm in my late 20's and there's a 20 year age gap, but that isn't an issue for me.

 

Anyway, we spent time together and did interesting things. Things progressed and became romantic. We've only slept together once very recently. It definitely isn't all based around sex at all. We go to see cultural things, and the like.

 

Well, today I received an email off his ex partner who also has loose involvement with the charity. I've met her and she was always nice to me if vaguely patronising; she's in her mid thirties, her career is just beginning, and she's settling down so she should have seemed happier. I couldn't put my finger on whether she was an insecure person with a difficult past and that was why she was highly strung and skittish, or just stand-offish.

 

Her email explained that he had told her about our relationship and that she was distressed and upset. That she was annoyed that I was younger than her when they had "gone on a break" because of THEIR age gap and wanting different things. Then she contradicted that they were "on a break" by stating that she expected him to wait until she found a new man before he moved on. So, they DID break up. You can't be on a break if you're looking for someone else.

 

Her logic puzzles me. Her email was patronizing but very emotional, claiming that she thought I should know and to contact her to find out more.

 

I pity her because she's upset but I'm also irritated by her tone and her expectations. I also find it childish to send emotive emails to your ex's new romantic interest. I know we all feel like doing that when we hurt, but there's a filter that we do click into place. Yet I'm torn between being annoyed with her and being the 'nice' person and saying "oh alright, he was yours first". But surely that's silly? I don't know.

 

She isn't even saying that she wants him back; she's saying that she wants us to cut this off until she finds someone new. Surely that's unreasonable? They're still friends, bear in mind, but have definitely stopped seeing one another.

 

I haven't responded and I haven't told him yet. I'll see him on Monday and will have to tell him then, but I don't know if I should reply to her first or discuss it first.

 

Please help!

[TaraMaiden2]

Don't tell him, yet.

 

let it blow over.

 

Don't respond to her, at all. Block her on email, and refuse to engage with her.

She has no business interfering or seeking to speak with you, the relationship is over and done with.

 

Unless you want to perpetuate drama, and have this blow up in your face, just ignore her and do not respond to, or acknowledge anything.

[JenniC]

Don't tell him, yet.

 

let it blow over.

 

Don't respond to her, at all. Block her on email, and refuse to engage with her.

She has no business interfering or seeking to speak with you, the relationship is over and done with.

 

Unless you want to perpetuate drama, and have this blow up in your face, just ignore her and do not respond to, or acknowledge anything.

 

Thank you for responding. That was my initial instinct - I'm very wary of her sort of approach; attempting to be both intimidating as well as showing that she's hurt.

 

If he does bring up that he's told her and that she's reacted badly, should I tell him then or just pretend she didn't contact me?

[Versacehottie]

Hi guys.

 

This could be long-ish so please bear with me.

 

Okay. So, about four months ago I began volunteering for a local charity. I got on well with a supervisor there and we hit it off, despite him being older than me - I'm in my late 20's and there's a 20 year age gap, but that isn't an issue for me.

 

Anyway, we spent time together and did interesting things. Things progressed and became romantic. We've only slept together once very recently. It definitely isn't all based around sex at all. We go to see cultural things, and the like.

 

Well, today I received an email off his ex partner who also has loose involvement with the charity. I've met her and she was always nice to me if vaguely patronising; she's in her mid thirties, her career is just beginning, and she's settling down so she should have seemed happier. I couldn't put my finger on whether she was an insecure person with a difficult past and that was why she was highly strung and skittish, or just stand-offish.

 

Her email explained that he had told her about our relationship and that she was distressed and upset. That she was annoyed that I was younger than her when they had "gone on a break" because of THEIR age gap and wanting different things. Then she contradicted that they were "on a break" by stating that she expected him to wait until she found a new man before he moved on. So, they DID break up. You can't be on a break if you're looking for someone else.

 

Her logic puzzles me. Her email was patronizing but very emotional, claiming that she thought I should know and to contact her to find out more.

 

I pity her because she's upset but I'm also irritated by her tone and her expectations. I also find it childish to send emotive emails to your ex's new romantic interest. I know we all feel like doing that when we hurt, but there's a filter that we do click into place. Yet I'm torn between being annoyed with her and being the 'nice' person and saying "oh alright, he was yours first". But surely that's silly? I don't know.

 

She isn't even saying that she wants him back; she's saying that she wants us to cut this off until she finds someone new. Surely that's unreasonable? They're still friends, bear in mind, but have definitely stopped seeing one another.

 

I haven't responded and I haven't told him yet. I'll see him on Monday and will have to tell him then, but I don't know if I should reply to her first or discuss it first.

 

Please help!

 

She is obviously scrambling. Doing anything she can to make an impact. Why get caught up in their drama, when you have none in your life? It's not necessary. Sounds like she just wants to poison your mind about him and play out her own problems on you and get additional info from YOU. I would go straight to the guy you are dating and tell him you don't appreciate what this woman has done; you don't want drama in your life. It's one thing if he just informed her since she might have found out. One sentence. But there is nothing to discuss. If he did more, he breeched your confidence and you have a right to be upset with him. Now, granted she could just be drama, crazy and upset and "running" with the one sentence he told her, doing anything she can to make herself feel better and stir up trouble. You don't owe her any contact. If you see her at the volunteer stuff, just say hi and if you have a private moment or if she asks why you didn't respond, say you appreciate her concern but what you do is none of her business (touch of sarcasm is fine!). Your guy shouldn't have "friends" like this or he should look up the definition of friends and reassess!

 

Ugh the gall of some people. Blow her off. You were doing fine making your own decisions about him. Keep doing that. good luck

[mortensorchid]

Don't tell him and don't respond to her. She is obviously a jealous sort who wants to plant some kind of seed of doubt about your being with him and make you wary of his faults. A story like this is why women have such trouble being true friends to one another, I've been there more times than I care to think about.

 

Don't let it bother you, keep on with him as you would have.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you for responding. That was my initial instinct - I'm very wary of her sort of approach; attempting to be both intimidating as well as showing that she's hurt.

 

If he does bring up that he's told her and that she's reacted badly, should I tell him then or just pretend she didn't contact me?

 

Yes, tell him then, and tell him you do not appreciate the intrusion.

 

Don't cover up his subterfuge with more of yours.

 

But if he asks why you didn't tell him, explain that that is how irrelevant you considered it to be.

[JenniC]

Versacehottie:

I've gone up and down in my feelings about it all day; I keep alternating between pity and anger! I'll read it once and see how sad she is and think "Oh, imagine watching the 'love of your life' [her quote] move on!", and then read it again and see how condescending her tone is.

 

They've known each other for about 8 or so years so she isn't just a passing acquaintance in his life, which is what makes me feel nervous about this present new situation. I just find this behaviour so rude, though!

 

mortensorchid:

That's what makes me so upset, too. The side of me that wants to be kind keeps saying "We're both women, don't we owe one another a proper discussion?" but her behaviour makes that really difficult.

 

TaraMaiden: What also bothers me is the idea that maybe he'll get defensive of her because he's known her for so long. Obviously, if he does then I have my answer about where his feelings lie and I would disentangle myself, but it's not a nice thought.

 

If she's the jealous and emotive type, and she knows him well, then I'm sure she wouldn't have an issue with playing the victim in his eyes.

 

It's sad because this has made me feel as though I'm getting in the way, somehow. I'd find it hard to watch someone who I love dearly move on if it were me, but I wouldn't act the way she has.

[Versacehottie]

Versacehottie:

I've gone up and down in my feelings about it all day; I keep alternating between pity and anger! I'll read it once and see how sad she is and think "Oh, imagine watching the 'love of your life' [her quote] move on!", and then read it again and see how condescending her tone is.

 

They've known each other for about 8 or so years so she isn't just a passing acquaintance in his life, which is what makes me feel nervous about this present new situation. I just find this behaviour so rude, though!

 

 

Oh it's 100% pitiful. But it's also drama and you don't need that in your life. I'm angry for you. It's ridiculous. Some people have no boundaries. Guaranteed she did this to you because she thinks she can get away with it (for one reason or another which is why you are picking up on the condescending tone) AND/OR she is THAT desperate!!! You will be able to bypass your feeling that she is talking down to you by not answering her at all. If she attempts to contact you and succeeds, such as at a volunteer thing where you wouldn't want to make a scene, just tell her it's none of her business and you are not interested.

 

I'm surprised that people are telling you not to tell the guy. I think that speaks volumes that he should keep that drama away from you. You will also learn something very important with how he handles it. Maybe he egged this woman on, trying to make her jealous about you. Either way, I would expect a man in his 40's to handle this like an adult and be supportive of you. If he doesn't, better to know now! Because it's telling of his character and his potential for you (as anything!). It also expresses to him that you don't like drama and have a backbone at the same time--important things to convey. Good luck

[kendahke]

Don't respond to it. Show it to him. Let him clean up that mess, because clearly, she's acting brand new when most likely, she got the memo.

 

And who agrees to not date someone new until their ex has found someone themselves? That's just stupid on its face.

[Tayla]

Step aside.

 

He needs to clean up this break up residue.

 

You are free to remain silent. Actions already have gone in unhealthy directions.

[Snakechammah]

That woman is batsh*t crazy!!

 

I can imagine her being an emotional mess, self-entitled, difficult person to get along with, in relationship or at work. How he would put up with such a bipolar psycho for 8 years is beyond comprehension.

 

I agree you should tell him, maybe even show the email to him. He needs to know and sort this out.

 

She really thinks he's still hung up on her since she 'expects' to get a new man 'first'. With her attitude, I feel sorry for the next man!

 

Please watch your rearview mirror - people like this are jealous and extremely volatile. It's always better to be safe than sorry!

[RedRobin]

Hmmm... Interesting... Well, I don't necessarily approve of her methods, but don't shoot the messenger.

 

If he is one of those guys who needs to always be dating a 20 something no matter how old HE gets, then maybe she's just giving you a heads up.

 

I actually think women ought to do more to warn other women about shyteheads. I consider men who need to date women 20 years younger than them as a shytehead by default... Especially when they make a habit of it.

 

... But that is just me.

 

I had a woman call me up at work after she found the receipt for flowers that her live in BF sent me. I hardly knew the guy. Met him at a company party. He was sending the flowers because he stood me up on date. Little did he know that I didn't show either . Long story short, me and her had a great chat. I told her to dump that loser if she knew what was good for her... And thanked her for the call.

 

You might want to reevaluate... This guy is likely no prize. Especially if he has to date women who are relative children. No offense.

 

...as they say, sisters before misters.

Edited December 19, 2015 by RedRobin

[TaraMaiden2]

Hmmm... Interesting... Well, I don't necessarily approve of her methods, but don't shoot the messenger.

 

If he is one of those guys who needs to always be dating a 20 something no matter how old HE gets, then maybe she's just giving you a heads up.

 

I actually think women ought to do more to warn other women about shyteheads. I consider men who need to date women 20 years younger than them as a shytehead by default... Especially when they make a habit of it.

 

... But that is just me.

.....

No, I get you, I think a person needs to evaluate matters by weighing up all the information, not just part of it, and I definitely agree relationships should be part of that equation.

 

We check cars out thoroughly before buying, (If we're sensible) and evaluate a house or apartment before paying any deposit, rent or mortgage - but we take one person's word on trust that their ex was a mad crazy so-and-so without doing a double-take? This is a person we intend to entrust with our hearts and bodies, folks....

 

But discern whether the ex is level-headed, logical and accurate, or a wailing banshee with wild hair and mad eyes.....

That makes all the difference, as to their credibility.

 

Sure, even the most sensible and normal-looking exes can be total liars and deceive you, but we women can smell a grudge and resentment a mile off. And the truth, as they say, WILL out....

[Buddhist]

Well that's all kinds of WTF. Really. I mean what she wants has nothing to do with you and she's crossing boundaries that should be sacred here by bleeding her personal insecurities and expectations into your life. I would be inclined to send a copy of the email to her ex, and then reply stating....

 

Dear Ex-GF,

 

I think these are issues you should be taking up with your therapist, not me.

 

Yours Sincerely.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is obviously scrambling. Doing anything she can to make an impact. Why get caught up in their drama, when you have none in your life? It's not necessary. Sounds like she just wants to poison your mind about him and play out her own problems on you and get additional info from YOU. I would go straight to the guy you are dating and tell him you don't appreciate what this woman has done; you don't want drama in your life. It's one thing if he just informed her since she might have found out. One sentence. But there is nothing to discuss. If he did more, he breeched your confidence and you have a right to be upset with him. Now, granted she could just be drama, crazy and upset and "running" with the one sentence he told her, doing anything she can to make herself feel better and stir up trouble. You don't owe her any contact. If you see her at the volunteer stuff, just say hi and if you have a private moment or if she asks why you didn't respond, say you appreciate her concern but what you do is none of her business (touch of sarcasm is fine!). Your guy shouldn't have "friends" like this or he should look up the definition of friends and reassess!

 

Ugh the gall of some people. Blow her off. You were doing fine making your own decisions about him. Keep doing that. good luck

 

All of this.

 

I would let him know. And I would not contact her. Blow her right off.

[trolloperative]

Of course you need to tell him. She sounds psycho, don't respond to her.. let him deal.

[JenniC]

Hi guys, thank you all so much for your advice.

 

I know I've got to bring it up because I honestly think that he will anyway. Even if he doesn't know she's emailed me, I reckon that he'll bring up telling her.

 

I'm not entirely sure how to say how I feel about this. I'm at a point where I'm pretty irritated by it and I think my emotions have settled at that now. I want to have an honest discussion with him and I suppose that I'm worried me being brutal about my reservations will provoke him into that typical "Oh calm down, she's just upset, blahblahblah" that a lot of people use when they're feeling cornered in relation to an ex.

 

If he does that then I'm pretty sure I'll just walk. I escaped from long years of drama in a relationship last year, and don't feel remotely inclined to enter into a new one that starts off on a dramatic note. If I'm honest, this even happening is making me roll my eyes and go "Oh, here we go. Off switch time."

 

She really does strike me as the obsessive manipulative type. I also think that she's extremely insecure which only adds fire to the flames. He is very laid back and mild so I can only assume (which is dangerous, I know) that she's been pushy with him in the past and he's let it happen.

 

Anyway, my real question is - what tact should I take when discussing this with him? I do have a backbone and I'm not going to let an email like that get brushed off and listen to various excuses being made for her behaviour.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you can only plan a tactic when the discussion takes place and you understand which angle he's shooting from.

Until then, everything is a wide-angle supposition.

 

In other words - when it happens - you'll know.

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't respond to her at all but I would tell him. Let him deal with her. She's crazy.

 

I would just tell him that she emailed you and that you were very disturbed that she did so, and would like him to deal with it. I wouldn't say too much else about it except that you don't like drama.

 

If she keeps emailing you, then at that point, I'd run from the BOTH of them. Love triangle drama is ridiculous.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Popsicle

[JenniC]

TaraMaiden: True. I suppose gauging his reaction is going to be key to my own response. He's so mild that I can't really imagine a huge response; I think that's initially what drew me to him. He didn't seem dramatic. It seems she's doing that on his behalf, aha!

 

Popsicle: Yeah, I don't fancy getting sucked into it all. What also worries me a bit is that if I do walk, then I'll probably leave the charity too, which would be a real shame as it's directly related to the field I want to go into. I deferred my PhD for a year to get proper experience and this was great for that.

 

Don't make a mess where you eat, I guess. If it were just he and I breaking up that would be easy and I'd still try and stay, but if it turns into a love triangle then that's just absurd and I'd have to walk. Such a shame.

[Versacehottie]

Hi guys, thank you all so much for your advice.

 

I know I've got to bring it up because I honestly think that he will anyway. Even if he doesn't know she's emailed me, I reckon that he'll bring up telling her.

 

I'm not entirely sure how to say how I feel about this. I'm at a point where I'm pretty irritated by it and I think my emotions have settled at that now. I want to have an honest discussion with him and I suppose that I'm worried me being brutal about my reservations will provoke him into that typical "Oh calm down, she's just upset, blahblahblah" that a lot of people use when they're feeling cornered in relation to an ex.

 

If he does that then I'm pretty sure I'll just walk. I escaped from long years of drama in a relationship last year, and don't feel remotely inclined to enter into a new one that starts off on a dramatic note. If I'm honest, this even happening is making me roll my eyes and go "Oh, here we go. Off switch time."

 

She really does strike me as the obsessive manipulative type. I also think that she's extremely insecure which only adds fire to the flames. He is very laid back and mild so I can only assume (which is dangerous, I know) that she's been pushy with him in the past and he's let it happen.

 

Anyway, my real question is - what tact should I take when discussing this with him? I do have a backbone and I'm not going to let an email like that get brushed off and listen to various excuses being made for her behaviour.

 

I think you should keep it brief. Say something similar to what popsicle said to say. You don't really need to go more into depth than that. Couple of sentences of how you feel and you don't want drama or contact with her. I'm a little worried that you are worried he will tell you to calm down and make light of your complaint. Honestly if he reacts like that, I would walk. Basically that's one reason you need to be brief and firm. There's nothing in-depth discussion to talk about. You don't like it, don't appreciate it and don't want contact with her. If HE wants to "discuss", be a listener. You will learn a lot about what the real dynamic of what is going on with them. I think it's her but I'm just guessing (combo with the fact that you said he's easygoing--she probably bulldozes over him---i mean who in the world would agree to letting her find a bf before he moves on!!! Well that's probably her demented interpretation and not what they discussed but def an element of her being aggressive and him being passive in play).

 

Part of letting people know how serious you are and inflexible (ie it could be a dealbreaker) is to not really allow tangents with a discussion. There really isn't anything to discuss. She crossed boundaries. She did it off information he gave her. You don't like that it happened and want it to stop, period. He can either be your partner in that (and take the lead, I might add since she is his problem and he should be shielding you from her once he knows what she's done) OR he can be dismissive of your concern/distress, which to me would be a dealbreaker. Better to know now. Rather than have this psycho meddle in your life with him; being caught up in their messy and UNFINISHED dynamic; or maybe he still has significant feelings for her and sign up for a guy who will always be passive about stuff he should not be and if he was trying to divert the "blame" onto you that's just f*cked up.

 

Guys "hear" the best when you are brief, firm and you're calm in voice and tone. Just keep repeating yourself if he tries to make you defend your position. You would realize, I hope, that's him just wanting to be lazy or afraid of dealing with her and is not acceptable. This would be one of the easiest convo's, to me, to ever have. She was out-of-line, period. You don't need to worry about what to say. If he doesn't react in a way you find acceptable, I think it's dealbreaker territory.

[Toodaloo]

That woman is crazy.

 

Stay well away from her.

 

Tread carefully with new guy.

 

This woman is clearly not at all over him and she will do what she can to hurt him and remind him about how "special" their time was together... She is also claiming that they had issues with age differences...

 

Like I say just tread carefully and make sure you keep up with your friends and family.

 

I think you have just inadvertently entered a whole big world of crazy and drama with this one and can only see a whole heap of hurt coming your way...

 

Talk to your friends and parents etc about it. Do not hide from them.

[Omei]

People keep saying shes crazy but I dont think so sounds like shes very hurt even feeling betrayed that Op is so much younger when apparently age was a issues in their relationship, shes feeling like the breakup is refreshed with seeing them together.

 

Op dont be angry I think you should let the anger go and just feel sympathy, her hurts clearly causing her such emotional distress that shes making poor choices and pouring it out on you and asking I agree unreasonable requests, but shes desperate to feel okay again.

 

I agree dont respond to the email since it would give the a-okay for a drama start and it would also feed her emotions.

 

You never know she may calm down and come telling you how silly it wad she prob wrote it very emotionally just ignore.

 

She's not the first person we've heard writing emotional emails to exs or exs partners, love makes us crazy.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Omei

[Versacehottie]

People keep saying shes crazy but I dont think so sounds like shes very hurt even feeling betrayed that Op is so much younger when apparently age was a issues in their relationship, shes feeling like the breakup is refreshed with seeing them together.

 

 

What's bolded is true and probably exactly how this woman is feeling. However, she does not observe healthy boundaries--or ones that are safe and fair to OP, thus it puts her in crazy territory. She is very much in the wrong here.

 

While I agree that it is not good to hold onto anger, I don't even think that is OP's main issue. Her first priority is to assert healthy and safe boundaries for herself from someone who has no respect for boundaries. Contact with this woman is what the woman wants and should not be granted. There's really nothing that the woman feels that can justify what she did. I guess if the OP was the type who would want to entertain contact but since she doesn't the woman needs to back off and stop.

 

I know of a few situations where ex's/gfs have compared notes or had a dialogue but the motive seemed way different and it was agreed upon. The content of this woman's email is blame-y and manipulative and poisonous which pretty much tells you her motives are not good and only self-serving. Definitely have no sympathy for her. She needs to take it up with the guy. I'm guessing she did the night she was told about OP and wasn't getting anywhere--that's why she's going at her problem NOW through the OP. Classic scrambling. I hate to be hysterical on this site because we have enough of that already but this is the stuff that can turn into stalking. Not there yet, of course, but the woman exhibits some of the signs of someone who can turn into that. I think it's unwise for the OP to deal with it in any other way than very clear and concise and firm. Primarily through the guy and no contact with the woman (if there is unintentional contact such as at the volunteer stuff, she needs to be firm--woman is counting on fact she will be able to manipulate something with her). OP does not owe this woman anything.

 

People break up all the time; people move onto others all the time. The majority do not reach out to the next gf in desperate attempt to sabotage and involved themselves. Failure to acknowledge the REALITY that it is over. Frankly, it's scary, first and foremost.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would not tell him.

 

This woman is hurt and when you are hurt, you do all sorts of irrational things. Out of compassion, don't embarrass her further by telling him.

 

There is also a possibility that she is as invested as she is because he is stringing her along. It's hard to speculate but there could be all kinds of set-ups from emotional stringing along to a FWB setup.

 

Don't automatically assume that she is the enemy.