soph-walker Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Dear Shackers You may have had a squint at a post I created a couple of days ago re a prospective date (and the anxiety that went with it). After meeting said date and having what I thought was a wonderful time, he concluded the meeting by stating that I was '..a serial dater and there's not much he could do about that..' He said it in a jokey sort of way, but it stung nonetheless. I have never thought of myself as a 'serial dater' and have been actively dating for about a year now, but unfortunately there aren't a plethora of like-minded men in my area and for me to secure a second date is about as rare as rocking horse s**t. During the date, he asked about my OLD experience and how many men I've dated. I was light-hearted about it and only gave ballpark figures. Prior to meeting with me, he had made reference to the fact that he also had been dating and from what I understood, he'd seen a 'few' women over the course of this year. Now I really feel that he has double standards here - it's ok for one of you to have an active dating life but not the other? I would dearly love to be in a committed, loving relationship but after being stone-cold single for a year whilst grieving the end of my longterm relationship, I thought 'sod this, I'm going to put myself out there'. It's unfortunate that whilst 'putting myself out there', I've still not yet found someone I want to enter into a relationship with. Any thoughts or similar experiences? Or anyone disagree with me entirely?
Vilgefoz Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 if I understand correctly, guy marked you as person who dates a lot but don't get into relationship. This is what happens when you date a lot but don't get into relationship - you bear a mark on your face. Solution: don't try so hard. Anyway, real reason why I responded: judging from your English, you must be from some part of UK, correct?
Robratory Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 After meeting said date and having what I thought was a wonderful time, he concluded the meeting by stating that I was '..a serial dater and there's not much he could do about that..' He said it in a jokey sort of way, but it stung nonetheless. I know it's easier said than done, but consider being more direct. "What do you mean?" or "What makes you say that?" are not unreasonable questions. I mean, we really don't know what he meant. Maybe he thought you didn't want to see him again, and he was expressing resignation. Maybe he was hoping for you to say, oh, no, I'm not. And, ok, maybe he was being sexist and thinking that he could date lots but you couldn't. But we just don't know because nobody asked him. 2
katiegrl Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) I know it's easier said than done, but consider being more direct. "What do you mean?" or "What makes you say that?" are not unreasonable questions. I mean, we really don't know what he meant. Maybe he thought you didn't want to see him again, and he was expressing resignation. Maybe he was hoping for you to say, oh, no, I'm not. And, ok, maybe he was being sexist and thinking that he could date lots but you couldn't. But we just don't know because nobody asked him. I agree with you.... except the part where you said "easier said than done." It is actually quite easy to simply ask "what do you mean?" or "why do you say that?"... it's called communication.... and I ask those questions all the time when I don't understand why someone says something that's ambivalent or confusing to me. I'm not getting why this is so difficult for some people, it's such a simple question....and would save so much angst and anxiety wondering what the hell their partner (or even someone they're on a date with) means. I have said this before but I find it so baffling how so many people have such trouble simply communicating! So they come on here asking us..... how are we to know why someone said what they said --- ask the person! Then they get frustrated by all the different opinions....and end up more confused than before they started the thread in the first place! I dunno maybe they're afraid to hear what the real answer would be (from their partner)....so they'd rather not know but ask a bunch of strangers....as if our opinions are gonna make them feel better. Often times our opinions make them feel worse! Just talk to your partner. Edited December 19, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Qboro90 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Agree with Katie on this. You gotta ask questions and communicate without feeling nervous or embarrassed about doing so. Let's say some girl said to me "I've heard you're kind of a player, how many people have you slept with this year?"..... I'd question her immediately "why is that something you want to know on a first date? , "well if you like to believe what other people tell you then I'd suggest you ask them that question because I find it pretty rude and inappropriate based on how well you know me". Or "what woud the difference be if the answer was 0 or 50?" ... You could ask/say a million things back to that. My point is that you have every right to ask the peopl you go out with to explain themselves or elaborate/clarify. No one here can tell you what they're thinking. Eventually it's going to have to be confronted by you. Do it sooner rather than later. 1
Author soph-walker Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I agree with you.... except the part where you said "easier said than done." It is actually quite easy to simply ask "what do you mean?" or "why do you say that?"... it's called communication.... and I ask those questions all the time when I don't understand why someone says something that's ambivalent or confusing to me. I'm not getting why this is so difficult for some people, it's such a simple question....and would save so much angst and anxiety wondering what the hell their partner (or even someone they're on a date with) means. I have said this before but I find it so baffling how so many people have such trouble simply communicating! So they come on here asking us..... how are we to know why someone said what they said --- ask the person! Then they get frustrated by all the different opinions....and end up more confused than before they started the thread in the first place! I dunno maybe they're afraid to hear what the real answer would be (from their partner)....so they'd rather not know but ask a bunch of strangers....as if our opinions are gonna make them feel better. Often times our opinions make them feel worse! Just talk to your partner. Steady on... If you read my original post, I was curious to see what people's experiences with serial dating and double standards were, not why he had made his comment. He made the comment literally as my heel was turning to get into my car and I by the time I clocked what he had said, he was halfway across the car park. Would have been a little skittish of me to run after him and question his meaning I thanked him for a good night when I got home and told him I'm no serial dater. I do agree though that the simple art of communication is very lacking sometimes and can lead to assumptions, but like I mentioned, that's not what I was curious about. Back to serial dating though, I'm mistified as to how anyone is supposed to find a 'mate' if they aren't dating. I've not tried too hard, have had a mixture of asking guys out myself and also a being asked out. And I'm British, yes
brandon26003 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Sounds like he is a man that is ready for a relationship, and for some reason, you were giving him signals that you weren't ready. First dates can also be looked at as interviews. You will "interview" to see if you'd be interested in asking the person for a second interview, third, etc. I can normally tell within the first hour of meeting someone if I'd like to have a second date. That comment he made about the serial dating was him saying that he doesn't think you're ready, and therefore, he's not interested in pursuing it any further.
Author soph-walker Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Sounds like he is a man that is ready for a relationship, and for some reason, you were giving him signals that you weren't ready. First dates can also be looked at as interviews. You will "interview" to see if you'd be interested in asking the person for a second interview, third, etc. I can normally tell within the first hour of meeting someone if I'd like to have a second date. That comment he made about the serial dating was him saying that he doesn't think you're ready, and therefore, he's not interested in pursuing it any further. I do find it shocking and really sexist that he has made out he's been on numerous dates yet expects any woman he's seen not to have done the same. Men and their Virgin complexes can go fish! 1
dobielover Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I've been accused of the same exact thing, from men who I've seen on the site off and on for a long time, who admit and tell stories of many many many women they've been on first dates with. I think they get the sense that I'm doing the rejecting, whereas they're the ones being rejected, hence why they don't like it. 1
Author soph-walker Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I've been accused of the same exact thing, from men who I've seen on the site off and on for a long time, who admit and tell stories of many many many women they've been on first dates with. I think they get the sense that I'm doing the rejecting, whereas they're the ones being rejected, hence why they don't like it. I totally get this, it's almost like passive annoyance or venting their frustration at an unsuspecting date. I would never be so brazen to label a guy a serial dater, or anything else for that matter, without knowing him personally. Talk about making assumptions!
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