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Long awaited update. Stay strong and believe in yourself everyone!

Froelich87

By Froelich87
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Wow, I haven't been on here in a few years.

 

You can find my other threads on here, I was going through a really bad time.

 

I was dumped in September of 2013. It was honestly, one of the worst things that I have ever gone through - but it ended up happy.

 

The reason that I haven't been on here in so long is that my (then) ex and I got back together in May of 2014. 8 months of being broken up.

 

NC definitely helped shape me as a person. But trust me, I had my fair share of screw ups during that time. After the 3rd month of NC - I broke it and ended up having sex with my (then ex). Afterwards, I never talked to her again. It was just too hard - and it was like resealing my wounds from scratch. But, you live and you learn - and it only made me stronger and I learned from my mistakes.

 

Honestly, I had no clue that she was trying to contact me for the last 2 months of our breakup because I had blocked her number. It turns out, she went through my brother (who was my roommate in college - and who she knows well enough through our history). It was obviously very important for her to get ahold of me - I made it very clear for to never contact me ever again because it would be for the best.

 

Long story short, it was a simple yet classic case of the GIGS which caused our breakup. I was 26 she was 20. She felt held back from getting the full college experience and in general, life experience. She has never really been single for too long before me - and at the time - she felt that the relationship felt like more of a friendship than a romance. So, I let her go.

 

When my brother told me this news back in May of 2014 - I was shocked. Reconciliation almost never happens outside of those romcoms. Regardless, I didn't let it get to my head.

 

I checked my blocked messages, and sure enough - there was her number. With over 30 messages from the last 2 months (March/April/May of 2014) The older messages started off as some breadcrumbs (am I glad I never knew about them when I was still really hurting because I may have cracked and screwed up my NC again) but then the messages started getting serious. Like blatant: "I made a huge mistake. I want nobody else but you" text messages. We were together for over 3 years before the break up. We have been through everything together. Of course I gave her a call ...

 

We met up after the weekend. ( I told her that I had to give a meet up some thought and to give me some time to think ) but I did end up deciding to meet up with her.

 

She apologized over and over again for hurting me. Said that she met a few guys (and girls) but none of them compared to me or what we had. Said she was tired of the partying life not even 4 months into it. She definitely realized that the grass isn't greener at all. You just have to take the time to water your own grass. She asked if we could be together again.

 

So ... I told her ... if this is going to happen ... she has to do everything in her power to prove to me that she wants this and prove to me that she has changed because it's not up to me to prove anything. I said that we needed to start very slow. (Except for the sex. We both really needed to get laid bad and goddammit it was amazing!) :)

 

So here we are. 2 years later. Still together. Those 2 years have flown by so quickly. I remember like it was only yesterday - being afraid to trust her again. My heart was still hurting a little bit being around her. I didn't know if it was going to be the same ever again. But, it just takes time. You have to let yourself be open again - and that's the scariest part. It's just a risk that comes with it.

 

 

But know - this would never have been able to happen if I didn't do somethings for myself and I'm trying to pay it forward with some advice. I'm not trying to tell you that this is going to get your ex back - what I will promise is that this will get YOU as a person back.

 

No Contact is extremely important. It's very pivotal that you do NC for YOURSELF. Not to "get your ex back." That is not how it works.

 

It's important to get your **** together. You can grieve all you want. Take your time for that. But there comes a time when you have to stop and put it behind you and just stay focused in whatever you are doing in life.

 

The last and most important thing - that worked for me especially. Spend time alone. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Learn to love spending time by yourself. Because, if you can't love yourself ... how are you going to love anybody else?

 

Stay strong everybody and happy holidays!

 

I love all of you and I'm sorry that I've been away for so long!

Edited by Froelich87
  • Like 14
LostInNC Member

LostInNC

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I love hearing a story with a happy ending. Congratulations and keep up the good work on the relationship.

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Itspointless Established Member

Itspointless

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You are lucky, good for you :)

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makemineamac Established Member

makemineamac

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So happy for you, and thanks for returning and sharing your story. I'm curious, what prompted that?

 

In any case keep up the good work dude.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Excellent post.

 

It's a shame most are too weak to accomplish what you have.

  • Like 2
StBreton Established Member

StBreton

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Super great post OP. Glad you stayed strong and true to yourself. Love the pep talk about spending time with oneself.

 

Wish you all the best!

  • Like 1
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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Congrats OP. I remember your story and remember how much of a wreck you were and how you were letting her play you like a fiddle. I'm glad you took the advice of people in here and kept moving forward and forced her to catch up to you. And I'm glad she did it in the correct manner.

  • Like 2
  • 2 months later...
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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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So happy for you, and thanks for returning and sharing your story. I'm curious, what prompted that?

 

In any case keep up the good work dude.

 

Just paying it forward!

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Congrats OP. I remember your story and remember how much of a wreck you were and how you were letting her play you like a fiddle. I'm glad you took the advice of people in here and kept moving forward and forced her to catch up to you. And I'm glad she did it in the correct manner.

 

 

Thanks dude!

 

I remember you as well.

 

You gave me a swift kick in the arse along with some others in my no contact and ex sex posts lol

 

It's what it took for me to start moving on with my life, so I will always be grateful.

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Super great post OP. Glad you stayed strong and true to yourself. Love the pep talk about spending time with oneself.

 

Wish you all the best!

 

 

Thank you! Same to you!

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Excellent post.

 

It's a shame most are too weak to accomplish what you have.

 

I wouldn't say that exactly.

 

Ask Simon how weak I was for months.

 

I think it was just a matter of a girl wanting me back after she realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side. Maybe doesn't happen very often - and I can agree that in that sense I am lucky ... but none of us can control the other person. I wasn't doing no contact in hopes that I would ever get back together with her.

Itspointless Established Member

Itspointless

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and I can agree that in that sense I am lucky ... but none of us can control the other person.

Well that, but also that it hasn't bitten in your ass. It is something we regularly read here.

  • 9 months later...
  • Author
Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Back to reality guys.

 

3 years later and we are in a rut.

 

She isn't happy anymore.

 

Neither am I.

 

She works 2nd shift as a correctional officer and I work first shift.

 

Her only days off are Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

 

Mine are Saturday and Sunday.

 

Long story short, but she threw all her feelings at me today ... and she keeps saying that she dosesn't want to break up, but she isn't leaving me with anything. It's basically a trap.

 

Says shes frustrated and sad ... but likes her shift and doesn't want to change it and doesn't see a future with us on this shift. Asked if I had any ideas, and I told her I didn't. So that's that. She said that "It isn't good for her anymore" so It felt like she was dumping me ... again.

 

But she keeps saying that she isn't breaking up with me.

 

So I don't know what to do or say.

 

I'm deleting fb pictures at the moment and saving to drop box.

I'm pretty sure it's coming.

But I'm not sure when.

 

Any ideas on what to do right now?

Slimtripper Established Member

Slimtripper

Posted
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Back to reality guys.

 

3 years later and we are in a rut.

 

She isn't happy anymore.

 

Neither am I.

 

She works 2nd shift as a correctional officer and I work first shift.

 

Her only days off are Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

 

Mine are Saturday and Sunday.

 

Long story short, but she threw all her feelings at me today ... and she keeps saying that she dosesn't want to break up, but she isn't leaving me with anything. It's basically a trap.

 

Says shes frustrated and sad ... but likes her shift and doesn't want to change it and doesn't see a future with us on this shift. Asked if I had any ideas, and I told her I didn't. So that's that. She said that "It isn't good for her anymore" so It felt like she was dumping me ... again.

 

But she keeps saying that she isn't breaking up with me.

 

So I don't know what to do or say.

 

I'm deleting fb pictures at the moment and saving to drop box.

I'm pretty sure it's coming.

But I'm not sure when.

 

Any ideas on what to do right now?

 

She's trying to control you again. If you walk away now then she will follow. But I don't think that's what u want or you'll just be back here in 6 months

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Man, I wish I read this post before we had that talk.

 

She says she's "in love with me" and doesn't know why she feels this way. That she doesn't want to break up but doesn't know what else to do.

 

I said, well, I'm not going to be the one to end you guilt by pulling the trigger. That's on you. Bc F that. It's not my job to make sure she feels okay about it and not guilty.

 

She never really did. So we were just in some stand still.

 

She asked for a break.

 

I thought to myself ... either this is what she really wants because she's confused - since she didn't pull the trigger ... or she is letting me down easy after six years together (while she has pulled the trigger once)

 

Either way ... I think it's a way to treat it like it's completely over. With no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I can keep focusing on my jiu jitsu and getting back in shape and try to just move on.

 

That's what I have to do right?

 

I'm not going to sit there and pine for her for 2 months only to learn that she ****ed around - or found somebody else and then get hit with "it's really over"

 

I can't get heart broken again by going the route I'm heading, can I? If I already think it's over and just do me?

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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haha. now i cant even delete this stupid picture.

i deserve this

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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Is she worth it to you?

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Froelich87 Established Member

Froelich87

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Yes. She is.

 

What is your advice?

Viking Established Member

Viking

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Man, that's tough. In all of my relationships (save for my most recent) when we've broken up, I go crazy with anxiety or stress but maintain the no contact rule and eventually get over it. However, while I'm going nuts and keeping all my "stuff" together and trying to remain calm, they're doing who knows what. Then, weeks later, they contact me wanting to get back together.

 

Thing is, it is never the same after the breakup and you have a nagging doubt in the back of your mind. Its like the relationship takes a turn and you can't fully trust or relax.

 

What I'd do is see if you can modify your schedule or take some vacation time with her and go somewhere out of the normal places you go (trip to the mountains for the weekend or rent a hotel room and have a trip to somewhere new).

 

I went on a trip with an ex down the Oregon coast one time and paid for a hotel room (something I never thought about doing). It was really nice as we went to pick up car parts for a project and a road trip in general. It was fun and exciting having sex in a different place and just getting out of town and spending time doing something not ordinary.

 

Ordinary is boring and too often, we have ordinary ruin extraordinary relationships.

  • Like 1
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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Yes. She is.

 

What is your advice?

 

can you give us more details... something is missing. Why is she sad and frustrated?

jorgeg3d Established Member

jorgeg3d

Posted
Posted
Back to reality guys.

 

3 years later and we are in a rut.

 

She isn't happy anymore.

 

Neither am I.

 

She works 2nd shift as a correctional officer and I work first shift.

 

Her only days off are Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

 

Mine are Saturday and Sunday.

 

Long story short, but she threw all her feelings at me today ... and she keeps saying that she dosesn't want to break up, but she isn't leaving me with anything. It's basically a trap.

 

Says shes frustrated and sad ... but likes her shift and doesn't want to change it and doesn't see a future with us on this shift. Asked if I had any ideas, and I told her I didn't. So that's that. She said that "It isn't good for her anymore" so It felt like she was dumping me ... again.

 

But she keeps saying that she isn't breaking up with me.

 

So I don't know what to do or say.

 

I'm deleting fb pictures at the moment and saving to drop box.

I'm pretty sure it's coming.

But I'm not sure when.

 

Any ideas on what to do right now?

 

 

Man, people like this, don't know wtf they want out of life or themselves. They sabotage their relationships for essentially no good reasons, I know this because this sounds a lot like my ex, when things went wrong and she didn't know how to solve them, the relationship was the first thing on her mind to let go, when in fact it should be the last thing.

 

Its easier to quit then it is to fix things for people like this. I have a post on this in the coping section of the forums.

 

Its not right for you or her to treat your relationship this way, this is a classic case of no self love in the relationship. And communication, or lack their of. She's an unstable person that doesn't take responsibility for her own actions and needs help.

Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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Bottom line is, she has lost her attraction for you. It's too easy for her, she's bored. How do you get attraction back from a woman? Make it less boring for her. Break up with HER, and start dating other people. It's a game, but it's probably the only way.

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