having unrealistic standard - should I stay alone or settle for less?

[spilledshampoo]

Hi,

I hope I post this in the right section. I've read several threads here and in the other forums about this topic, but please bear with me, this is gonna be a loooooooong post of heavy self pity and entitlement

 

I'm male, asian, almost 31yo with no dating/relationship experience. I work managing my family business.

 

(the self pity phase)

I have an illness called ankylosing spondylitis (AS), diagnosed about 7-8 years ago but already had the symptoms (bad posture/crooked back, walking funny, constant pain) back when I was in high school (about 13-15 years ago).

 

Having this mystery illness made me an introverted anti social nerd through high school, college, and work (until earlier this year), spending my time between school/college and home playing video games/reading books.

 

When I was in college, still not knowing why I have a bad posture and always in pain, I dated a girl once for about a month, she's good looking, I'm not really sure why she wanted to date me, perhaps because I had a car (back then when I was in college, having a car is the equivalent of gaining 4 extra Charisma points in video game ). I remembered she had done nothing wrong but I ended it and made up some excuse in my mind that she's being needy/too clingy while in fact it's my own insecurity, I was afraid that one day she'd realize that I look like a retard.

 

After I finished college, about a year in handling family business, I went to an orthopedic doctor and diagnosed with AS, The doctor said that slowly the spinal fusion will go up from my lower back up to my neck until I'm around 40yo, at 40 years old the fusion will stop and I can only accept whatever happen to the spine at that point. At first I remembered being relieved, at least I knew that it's not my fault, the self blaming's gone, but I took the blow to my already low self esteem what with the doctor casually telling me that I'll be a cripple,... that jerk . I dismissed the romantic notion and became an even bitter person, I avoid meeting people and old friends, afraid that they will see my deteriorated posture, and I develop a huge ego & bad temper over time.

 

Btw, I can be funny among some friends (small number) & peers (mostly work related), when in work meeting I can be the guy that breaks the ice and lighten up the party but I always find myself feeling insecure and trying to hide my bad posture from people (by walking behind them, or maybe I told them beforehand that I have this disease, so they won't talk about it).

 

Several years later (about 4 years ago I think), I went to another doctor, a rheumatologist and she said that though there's no cure, there are some treatments and the spinal fusion can be avoided through medication and exercise. I took the medication but avoid the exercise, the most effective exercise for my condition is swimming, but swimming in public pool involves being among people, so I avoided it.

 

 

(the confidence boost phase)

Earlier this year (april), my company having this outing to the beach and against my own self policy I hesitantly took part in it, one of the best decision in my life!!! After that I tried swimming & since then I've been swimming daily and feel more healthy. I also took up music lesson about 2 months ago. I still have the bad posture and silly walk, but the pain become more manageable and I feel more energetic.

 

With my health being improved, I thought I should try this funny thing called dating and I need help :

 

• my low self esteem resulted in me having little experience/knowledge regarding dating and human relationships in general. on several cases I've had trouble distinguishing between being humble or having no self respect, between assertive or entitled, and between confident or delusional & cocky.
  

 

• I lived in a small town, the dating pool is geographically dried up, so I have to look outside my town
  

 

 

(hopeless romantic phase)

 

Earlier this year (unfortunately before my confidence boost phase, perhaps in February), a girl friend of mine (FRIEND) tried to hook me up with a girl friend of her (girl A) via texting/messenger app, she's cute, we chatted a little bit (mostly she's the one that texted me first), but because of my lack of confidence and lack of interest in dating, I just ignored it. (later my friend said that I missed a sure fire thing, the girl just broke up with his boyfriend and trying to find a new one-silly me for ignoring it )

 

enter the confidence boost phase : I finally took the plunge and text and ask her if she wanna meet, but at the time it was too late, she's already got a boyfriend

 

we still chat from time to time (mostly she texted me first, I can be a funny guy once somebody know me), nothing flirtatious, I knew that I've blown my chance with her and slowly I forgot about her.

 

About few weeks ago, she texted me again, we chatted a little, she asked about some things (still nothing flirtatious) but I dunno, from that moment I started thinking silly and imagining things that could be if only she's with me. I know it's illogical, silly infatuation, but still....

 

I asked FRIEND (the one that tried to hook me up with her before) about her/girl A current status (if she's still with the boyfriend), and yes, she's happy with her boyfriend...but FRIEND, that cheating backstabbing friend told the girl that I still have feeling for her

 

(I knew that FRIEND told the girl because the girl tried to hook me up with her girl friend out of the blue, so I badgered FRIEND and she confessed that she told her).

 

so, the girl of my dream (perhaps felling guilty for rejecting me) tried to hook me up with her girl friend (girl B), still via messenger app, girl B live in another town (2 hours flight).

 

we chatted twice, still equipped with my bag of funny jokes and the most normal looking photo of me, not sure if she's into me but the problem is...I don't find her attractive the chat was dull....(I asked her some things about her, she didn't ask me back anything about me, laughing at my jokes but couldn't reciprocate).

 

so...what should I do? some internet (the place where everything is correct & truthful) articles have contradictory advice: one article said: make sure you find her attractive before you go on a date, if she's not attractive to you then don't bother.... the other said: don't dismiss it rightaway, take your chances, go date her and save your judgement for later.

 

I myself am an average egg shape face looking (face wise), a little on the chubby side but not obese, financially secure (above average, not the yacht and mansion kind of rich), did I mention that I'm a funny guy? If only I could fix the posture I think I'll gained several levels up in the totem pole, but at the moment, I should be thankful for and try to maintain my current condition so it doesn't get any worse and hopefully will get better.

 

Is it realistic if I want a pretty/cute and smart girl? The pretty part is not the supermodel/glamorous kind of pretty, but a modest symmetrical face and average body, and the smart is not a genius scientist smart, more like an office working/experienced so she can help me handle the family business

 

or

 

I should just know my place and settle with someone less (throwing my Sh*t and see the unfortunate girl it sticks to)

 

or

 

be single for the rest of my life?

 

for the first two, should I actively try to find the date like bitches in heat? any advice on how to do it for a guy in small remote town? Because this town sucks, I'd sooner find lochness monster than a girl in here

 

advise?

 

 

regards

SS

[Toodaloo]

SS

 

Quit your pity parade. Its keeping you miserable and making you bitter.

 

Ask anyone over the age of 35 and they probably have something "wrong" with them.

 

Quit making excuses and get your backside into gear and get out and meet people.

 

Oh and start swimming you great dufus. if its going to keep you more mobile and your back in better condition and force you to interact with people it can only be a good thing. Hell you may even meet your dream girl at the pool.

 

Pull your finger out and start looking after yourself.

[Glitters]

First , who are we to decide what you should do with your life ? Anonymous people from around the world? Take charge of your life and do what you want to.

[spilledshampoo]

hi guys, I was trying to edit my post earlier to end it on a more polite tone, but couldn't edit the post.

SS

Quit your pity parade. Its keeping you miserable and making you bitter.

 

Quit making excuses and get your backside into gear and get out and meet people.

that's what I'm trying to do, at the moment I'm doing OK in the health department (as OK as a guy with this disease can do), But years of lack of social interaction has made me clueless about inter-human personal relationship.

 

I've read some books about psychology like the one by Dale Carnegie and some others in my years of living like a hermit, but it's like learning to drive a car by reading the manual.

Oh and start swimming you great dufus. if its going to keep you more mobile and your back in better condition and force you to interact with people it can only be a good thing. Hell you may even meet your dream girl at the pool.

Yep, I swim regularly since April, but like I said on the wall of letters above, the pool has dried up, not the swimming pool (the pool could use some new filter though ), but the dating pool, most people I met in the pool were geriatrics and/or some parents with their kids.

 

The ones with college degree or office working experience usually go to the city at high school/college age and don't come back.

 

First , who are we to decide what you should do with your life ? Anonymous people from around the world? Take charge of your life and do what you want to.

 

what's the second? you only told the first one

The decision will be mine but I was hoping that I could get some sound advice here as I'm not experienced enough in this particular area.

 

Sorry for the wall of words above, to make it the TL;DR version (I hope this doesn't come across as cocky) :

 

I'm a man with 3 points in physical part due to my illness, scored 8 in financial department, 7 in intelligence but 2 in interhuman relationship, and hopefully 7 in the personality area but I'm looking for straight 7,5 posts across the board kind of girl.

 

Right now I happen to know this girl B (let's say she scored 6 in my book of entitled dipsh*t scoring guide, the score was based on our chats-twice).

I need help figuring out; what's the right move regarding the girl B above. Should I ask her for a date even though the initial communications turned me off, that perhaps I was too quick to judge and if i continue the advance perhaps I'll learn her other quality.

or

I should save the time and dismiss it right away?

 

This of course based on the assumption that the girl will agree to date me if I asked her. If she rejected me then fine (maybe i'll have my whining about the rejection and how unfair it is that a guy can't get love in other section of the forum ) but the concern is what if she agree to date me if I ask her, and then she likes me, but I still don't like her? what's the rule of thumb for this situation?

 

The only dating experience I have was with the girl back when I was in college and what I did is ungentlemanly, she tried to contact me several times but I ignored her (didn't respond to her text, didn't pick up the phone when she called).

 

I don't wanna miss my chances, but I also don't wanna repeat the same mistake. And like I said above, I have trouble distinguishing entitlement and deserving, is looking for a 7.5 girl within my range or not? If not, should I swallow my book and settle for less or just stay single for life? I'm sure some people here are qualified to give the advice

 

appreciate any advice given here

Edited December 19, 2015 by spilledshampoo

[mortensorchid]

Despite your physical problems, rest assured that we all have things that we are insecure about. Yours is more obvious than the average person, to be sure, but we all have them. The key is to never give up hope that someday, somehow it could happen for you. I'm about to be 41 next week, I have had a lousy track record with men, I've been very frustrated that I have had bad relationships and been with weak / bad men who have thrown me over for a trashy girl or mistreated me. But all I can say is that they were like that before I got there and it would have happened anyway. Some decisions are made for you, to be sure, by a partner who wouldn't commit to me but did to someone else.

 

All you can say is keep hope alive that someday, somehow it could happen to you. And that day may be WAY OFF in the future, it could be tomorrow. But it happens to others, it could happen to you.

[TheTraveler]

OP, you should continue to post more. I think it will do good for you.

 

Also, if you're not attracted to the girl. Why waste your time? If you want to get to know her, then by all means do it.

[Buddhist]

Is it realistic if I want a pretty/cute and smart girl? The pretty part is not the supermodel/glamorous kind of pretty, but a modest symmetrical face and average body, and the smart is not a genius scientist smart, more like an office working/experienced so she can help me handle the family business

 

It's only fair if I give you the same advice I give myself. I don't have AS, but I am pretty average in the looks dept and unfortunately have a real fetish for spectacularly attractive men. The match divide, I believe is about the same. So here it is....

 

You can harbour a desire for whatever you damn well please as long as you are happy to take the risk it may never happen. If you are cool with that, go for gold.

 

I did this and so far have managed to be in relationship with not one, but two spectacularly attractive men. I reason it this way....

 

Either I'm underrating myself and this is what I am actually authentically a match to. Or.....my belief in my desire brings it to me anyway.

 

It's all win/win.

[spilledshampoo]

hi again, thanks for the advice

...All you can say is keep hope alive that someday, somehow it could happen to you. And that day may be WAY OFF in the future, it could be tomorrow. But it happens to others, it could happen to you.

....Also, if you're not attracted to the girl. Why waste your time? If you want to get to know her, then by all means do it.

You can harbour a desire for whatever you damn well please as long as you are happy to take the risk it may never happen. If you are cool with that, go for gold......

noted!! All of the advice seem to point toward "shoot for the moon" way.

 

thanks guys, I'll post/ask again if something interesting happen

[spilledshampoo]

Need to vent a little. I finally deleted girl A (the one i'm having a crush on) from my contact/messenger list.

 

The previous time we chat (the one that sparked my hopeless romantic phase) she's asking for help to find a new home for her dog (she currently live in company apartment that doesn't allow pet), I asked around and introduced her to some potential adopters and that's that.

 

Yesterday she posted a picture of her & her boyfriend hugging the dog for the last time before taking the dog to the adopter, so I texted her well wishes, chit chat for a while and I ended the chat.

 

Since we no longer have common denominator (she no longer had a dog) and I have no intention of being in the friend zone any longer, I thought I should just delete her and I did just that... man that's hard I miss her already. Google said the best way to get over it is to find another crush but this town is dry as hell

 

ah well.....about time I get some experience like this, it sucks

[spilledshampoo]

I think I screwed up >,<

 

just before I posted this, girl A added me to her contact & ask "why did you delete me?"

 

so I answered something like: "oops, sorry, I was doing some cleaning up, I was looking for some potential dates so I cleanse the ones that aren't potential, and since you no longer have a dog I figure there's nothing else we could talk about and I'm feeling like I'm stalking other people's GF".

 

she answered: "OK then, fine", and then she deleted me. I think she's mad .__.

 

Did I do it wrong? I don't wanna make other people mad but all the advice about getting over a crush I can find always have something like "delete/remove all her contact" as the first 3 advice and I did just that and subtly (she rarely chat with me - I think she won't notice if my name's no longer in her contact list).

 

what should I do? should I try to contact her and say sorry? or leave it that way?

[Buddhist]

what should I do? should I try to contact her and say sorry? or leave it that way?

 

Just leave it. She has a boyfriend anyway, its not like you ever had a chance there and honestly her reaction to your completely understandable housekeeping is pretty rude. Let it go and find someone else, there will be someone else.

[spilledshampoo]

Just leave it. She has a boyfriend anyway, its not like you ever had a chance there and honestly her reaction to your completely understandable housekeeping is pretty rude. Let it go and find someone else, there will be someone else.

common sense & logic dictates the same advice, but I can't suppress the "what if" thought... this is karma >_< I used to scoff at these kind of things, too much drama for my taste, and here I am with my sorry as*

 

ah well, I'll leave it be.... thanks for the advice

Edited December 28, 2015 by spilledshampoo