He wants a break...

[Truth34]

I absolutely agree with all of this. One of the reasons I'm so torn up is because we do have an amazing bond and a connection that we've both been looking for a long time. It's like he's just throwing all of that away now.

 

What's funny is he also always told me how lucky he feels to have found me, that I'm the best thing that's happened to him and the most positive influence he has had in his life and how he would be so foolish if he ever does anything to hurt a good woman like me. He said he was willing to put in the work and hold on to me because I and what we have is such a rare find.

 

Ha.

 

You are right, maybe he will realize what he lost, maybe he wont. But what matters is that I feel in complete control of things and my healing process.

 

I know! I too was that "amazing, special, caring, genuine" person that supposedly changed how someone viewed life. How happy she was to have met me. And yet at a drop of a hat, those words crashed to the ground as if they never were true to begin with, it seems.

 

I mean what I say. And if I ever tell someone something like that, they will have to do some damaging things to make me feel different towards them. So for me it is a tough pill to swallow when someone else doesn't truly stand behind what they've said.

[eleven]

Im sorry you have to go true this.

 

Doesnt matter what someone teLl you. Its about your own heart. So

you should look at the situation form a distance and make your own judgement if

this person is worth it or what he say can even be realistic also having ex wife drama......???!!!!!!!!

Maybe he wanted all of those good stuff but just see now that he cant and not ready.

 

This is pretty much it. He thought he was ready and had it all together, and he really was very happy with me so he wanted to believe that, but when the time came and things got serious, he had to face his own realities.

 

Its hard to say how he should have contact you if you say you guys was not official.

But either way it would have been more decent of him to tell you personally.

Maybe when you more relax you can get a personal conversation with him for closer.

And tell him all of this and how you feel.

 

Maybe its always best to not enter nothing with no one that isnt ready. Like not having their life on rails or have ex drama.

Cause you cant fix them and its like the person continue his drama in your life to.

 

Dont just trust words. Make your own judgement. And listing to your love ones. Because often they see what you dont see or willing to acknowledge.

 

I dont know you guys and the whole situation. But it may be that he is so ashamed and hurt that he couldn't find the courage to tell you in person.

Maybe a bright side in all of this may be : He better told you now then lead you on much longer or all of this issues came out once you married.

At the end it hurts now. But be glad that it wasnt in a marriage or much more years you have wasted.

 

And i sure think you should contact him one more last time.

Just to get our of your chest all of this. Rather you do it true email or personal.

But personal in a relax environment where both can talk and express themselves would be better.

And after that. Start your healing process and move on. You dont have to be friends now. Maybe later once you stronger if you want to. All the best to you.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective. I do think this is what's going on with him. Just hate the way he went about it. We were exclusive, but not official, but also very close. So, email was definitely not the way to go. I do want a conversation and just hash it all out, but I also think, what's the point and maybe I'm too hurt to go through that.

[eleven]

Go no contact with him. Block him. He'll figure it out. Return the gift and use the money towards a fabulous spa day.

 

I wouldn't be his friend. That translates to him wanting to keep an eye on you and squat in your life without being a part of it and giving him a say-so which he doesn't have. If he cant' be with you 100%, then what's the point of friendship and you being in a holding pattern? He gets the benefits out of this deal--what do you get? Being alone during the holidays while he's off with his ex-wife and their unresolved mess.

 

I also don't get the relation between his ability to make money and your relationship. So, he can't make money, but he can deal with his ex wife? Something doesn't smell right.

 

Leave him be. Put him on block and let him to figure out his life. There is nothing more than needs to be said because nothing has been resolved since you initially posted this 2 hours ago.

 

A spa day sounds so good right now.

 

I should explain about the money and ex-wife. He is under a lot more pressure than he is used to at work right now, and he also owns a side business that is losing money. The ex-wife, on the other hand, has been making things very difficult for him when it comes to their 5 year-old daughter. He has sole custody, but she does things like mess up visitation (which messes up the daughter's and his own schedule, and by extension, mine), show up unannounced, etc. She also acts like he's still her husband, like calls on him to do stuff for her and uses the daughter as an excuse, things like that. They have been divorced for 4 years and, according to him and his family, it's like she just can't/hasn't moved on.

 

Both of these issues have put a strain on our relationship. His stress became my stress, then I became "too stressful" for him, and he stopped having (making?) time for us.

 

Honestly I understand his situation. What upsets me is that instead of finding a solution together, he decided on his own to basically shelf me because I'm the easiest aspect of his life to put aside right now. And that makes me feel like crap.

[bathtub-row]

What's wrong with wanting a "break" anyway? He explained to her that he still wants to talk to her and if he's still communicating with her, what's he problem? Now, if he said that and he ignores her calls/messages during this break, then yeah, that's a problem..

 

Taking a break doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. The problem is that he did it thru an email. That's just rotten.

[Versacehottie]

Two things. First, I applaud you for putting your studies first, but this is very different from my situation. You didn't lead these men on and make promises you couldn't keep. You didn't disrespect them by initiating the "break" via email and ask them to be friends just so you can keep them around. You really did need this time to yourself to focus on school. You had a very legitimate reason, whereas this guy is making excuses. I already know what he means by life being too complicated, which is why I gave him time in the first place, and now it turns out 'time' wasn't enough either.

 

Second, I don't believe in breaks and maybe you feel differently about this. I think it's unfair to the other party. For reasons explained throughout this thread. If you have things to take care of, just break up and set the other person free. You don't get to ask them to sit and wait like a good girlfriend/boyfriend and leave them in a state of confusion and limbo while you get your life together.

 

I think we can almost all agree that a "break" is pretty much a "break-up". I think the person asked to give a break needs to look at it as such because the future has no guarantees. I don't believe in "breaks" either. He takes his chances at losing you and may just do so. Not ok to put you on ice for an undetermined amount of time (or any time) while he figures things out. Basically by not agreeing to a committed relationship the whole year, he's already had that luxury.

 

So by your standards and general consensus, what I bolded above IS what your guy is doing. You don't accept breaks and continued benefits of friendship (keeping you on the hook and in his life) which is absolutely fair. Thus in your eyes, a "break" is not granted, and it IS a breakup and he is letting you go while he gets his life together. As many people said, he could just be using vocabulary to disguise that this is a soft let-down and IS really what he is doing anyway. I know it's hard now but if you just remind yourself of your own standards and what he can offer now, it is essentially what you are saying: he is setting you free. No need to be angry about it--well maybe the email part but you just need to hold true to your own standards. You don't agree to his conditions; he's about as clear now as he's ever been; it hurts but it is what it is and you are finally out of the limbo you've been in for a year. Good luck

[KatZee]

My ex pulled the same stunt with me, except we were together for THREE YEARS and instead of an e-mail, it was a text message.

 

I refused to let him take the cowardly way out and I said I'd be at his house that night to talk. I showed up and he proceeded to say every. single. thing. that your guy said to you.

 

"I'm so stressed out right now." "I don't know who I am, everything's confusing." "I love you so much and don't want to lose you." "You're my best friend and want to still talk. I don't want to burn bridges."

 

As much as it hurt, I told him right there that I was not his friend. I walked out of his house and he didn't hear from me for close to a month and a half. In that time, do you know what I found out? He had met someone else while he was with me. Breaking up with me was his way of allowing himself to explore this new chick. Him saying he didn't want me out of his life was him sticking me on the back burner in case this new chick didn't work out.

 

I found out through mutual friends that he dated this girl for about a month, and it didn't work out. Shocker.

 

I can't say for sure what's going on with your guy, but this was my experience. Everything he said was a bunch of crap. He was too cowardly to end it to my face, and too cowardly to tell me the truth.

 

I'd bet that your guy has eyes on someone else, and since he's too coward to end it to YOUR face, he's never going to come clean about that either.

 

Don't sit around waiting for him to come back. No matter what goes on in a guys life, stress, confusion, whatever else, when they're in love they stick with their partner, they don't just run away.

 

100% move on. Do not keep up any sort of relationship, do not speak to him, block him from your phone and all social media. This sort of stone walling of an ex is the best way to move on.

 

After 3 years with my ex, and how "in love" I thought I was, after completely erasing him out of my life, I was over it in 4-5 months.

[Buddhist]

Been seeing this guy for almost a year. Tonight he wrote me an email - an email!!! - saying he wants to take a break. He says his life is "too complicated right now" and that "it has become too hard to make time for our relationship."

 

Here's the kicker: HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS during this break. He ended his email with "This doesn't mean I want us to stop communicating. I would like us to remain friends and build a stronger bond. I never ever want to lose you."

 

He's found someone he's attracted to and wants license to go and screw her and then come back to you. Do NOT allow this. Close the door on this one and find someone who isn't ruled by their penis.

[kendahke]

What's wrong with wanting a "break" anyway? He explained to her that he still wants to talk to her and if he's still communicating with her, what's he problem? Now, if he said that and he ignores her calls/messages during this break, then yeah, that's a problem..

 

What's wrong is that it's wasting her time when she's not the one who wants this. She wants a man who demonstrates in every way that she is a priority in his life--and if the rest of this life comes crawling up around his head, he wants her there as support as he gets control of it.

 

He doesn't get to have everything his way and she doesn't get what she wants out of the deal, which is not to be put on the back burner.

[Hopeful30]

I didn't even finish your post.

 

He emailed you in regards to a serious issue? Email? Haha! Why are you even contemplating him? I wouldn't even notice if a man like that left my life...