He wants a break...

[eleven]

Been seeing this guy for almost a year. Tonight he wrote me an email - an email!!! - saying he wants to take a break. He says his life is "too complicated right now" and that "it has become too hard to make time for our relationship."

 

Here's the kicker: HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS during this break. He ended his email with "This doesn't mean I want us to stop communicating. I would like us to remain friends and build a stronger bond. I never ever want to lose you."

 

I'm so angry right now.

 

Long story short, although we deeply care about one another, and see a life together, we were never official because it turned out that he has some things to fix in his personal life. The two major ones are work/money-related and ex-wife drama.

 

I've never been the kind of woman who stays with a man who says he isn't ready for a relationship, especially one with that much baggage, but I stayed with him because he begged me to hold on while he fixed things and promised it would all be over soon. I feel so incredibly stupid now.

 

I'm even more upset because in the beginning he said he was ready for a relationship/marriage and that he wanted one with me, that there was nothing holding him back. I made sure to make sure of this, at least as much as I could to avoid exactly this situation. But when things started getting serious all of his personal demons came to light. By then it was too late and I was already in love with him. Now I feel like I've been led on and lied to. I'm such an idiot.

 

I don't know why I'm posting this. Can't sleep, just hurt and mad and have no one to talk to. Advice, words of encouragement, etc. are welcome. Just bought his Christmas present tonight too. Ugh.

[Truth34]

I'm about to go to bed, but I figured I'd throw a post your way seeing as you're not sleeping.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with someone who can't prioritize and appreciate something good when they have it. I am getting incredibly frustrated with the lack of work and dedication so many people put into their own relationships. These bonds are incredible when you get them, and I hate losing them even when things are bad. So to read so many similar stories like this just discourages me to even try and put faith into someone else. It's just like the stove, you can touch it over and over and get burned just the same.

 

I would seriously not talk to him again if I was you. He wants to be friends, you don't, so just completely disappear.

 

Who knows if it will make him realize what he lost, but at least you will be controlling the process of healing for yourself. Good luck and try and get some sleep!

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to hear this, OP. He even lacks the sensitivity and courage to tell you this to your face.

 

A year of a non-official relationship would not sit well with me. Despite his promises in the beginning, his actions (or lack thereof) demonstrated that he couldn't offer anything more.

 

I also wouldn't take his desire for friendship seriously. A lot of people say that to soften the blow of a breakup, even though they don't have serious intentions to follow through. It also would be a bad idea to build a friendship with someone like him.

 

I'm not sure I would respond at this point. Your silence will speak volumes. Donate/return/exchange thw Christmas gift. You deserve a heck of a lot more than someone who chooses the pussy-footed way out.

[TaraMaiden2]

OK:

I'm going to condense this down.

 

One: By and large, there is no such thing as 'a' break.

What the general concensus of opinion will be, is that he wants a break - UP.

 

Two: If people have issues about where their lives are right now, and they have a partner, the usual practice is to discuss it, meet minds and work out a solution to the schedule and issue....

 

Three: The fact that he wants a break and that

He says his life is "too complicated right now" and that "it has become too hard to make time for our relationship."

is basically "I'm breaking up with you" talk.

What he's doing is entrenched in the mistaken belief that this is letting you down gently, preparing you and cushioning you for a fall...

 

Four: By doing it this way, he is essentially saying, "I want to be single right now, but please wait in the wings until I decide what I want to do with you. I don't want you dating anyone else; (although as a semi-free agent, I might find that opportunity comes up for me) no, I want you to hang around and be my friend, because I am kinda used to having you around, and you feel comfortable to lean on."

 

So this is what you do.

 

You reply in an email(!)

 

I agree to a break on the following conditions:

 

(1) We give this period a pre-determined period of time. I suggest, as Christmas is approaching (thanks for that, it feels very loving) we meet up on Saturday January 9th, 2016, at *such-and-such* a place at <time> to discuss precisely how 'complicated' your life is, and why it's hard to make time for a relationship".

 

(2) During this time, we agree to absolutely not see or date anyone else, at all. We stay faithful, and celibate (as if it needs saying, ha ha...)

 

(3) During this time, we remain in total No Contact. That way, I don't distract you, and you don't distract me. We can both stay focused on how to find ways to remedy and support this relationship.

 

(4) Please understand, whether this is a break or not, I am NOT your friend. I am your significant other, and the most important person in your life. I am your partner, lover, confidante and friend all rolled into one. To relegate me to a role of 'still staying friends' is disrespectful, and belittles what I have come to mean to you.

 

If the above is not to your liking, then tell me where it is inaccurate or unworkable

 

You do NOT single-handedly dictate how things are done in OUR relationship.

 

If that is indeed, what you still see it as.

[Mikau]

If you're so sure this is a break up and not a break TaraMaiden (which I would agree with), what is the idea behind sending that email? Is it just about forcing him to come out and actually breaking up, or out of some (potentially misguided) hope that it's salvageable?

 

@OP: Sorry you're going through with this. I would personally just tell him it's over (via email preferred, no use in doing it respectfully when he couldn't even show you the same respect) and start moving on.

[MoreAmore]

I'd respond and say, I am not interested in being your friend at this juncture. Good bye. And go complete no contact.

 

Do not let him keep you in the wings while he tries to determine if he has better options.

 

There is no good that comes from continuing communication at this point.

[Timshel]

I don't blame you for being hurt. This dude reeks. Be as committed to him as he is to you, dump him and make it very clear and very official. I'd actually take Tara's advice and do it by email but you only need to say two words.

We're done.

[Saracena]

From personal experience, I don't agree a break always means a break-up-sometimes it CAN mean just that- though one can lead to the one depending on how the other party reacts to the request. So one needs to keep one's cool and tread very carefully IMO.

 

I asked for genuine breaks during two relationships. In virtually both cases, I felt overwhelmed with the demands of my university course and genuinely didn't want to mess up what could potentially be good relationships with guys I really liked. One responded very well, was very understanding and supportive while the other took it personally, became quite irate since he didn't believe me or even respect my reasons. You can guess which one I resumed the relationship with.

 

 

So OP, I would certainly explore what he means when he says ' life is too complicated right now' and take it from there!

[Art_Critic]

I don't know why I'm posting this. Can't sleep, just hurt and mad and have no one to talk to. Advice, words of encouragement, etc. are welcome. Just bought his Christmas present tonight too. Ugh.

 

Return the gift and see that the anger is because you are hurt and he did the hurting.

Try not to reply, silence can be deafening.

 

and don't be his friend.. that is just back burnering you and you don't need that, IMO his doing that is just mean...

 

Christmas hugs.. stay close to your family this holiday, there is comfort in your family.

[bathtub-row]

He probably wasn't lying to you but just wasn't aware of how emotionally screwed up he is right now. I know it hurts but I would just cut ties with him.

 

I can understand that he has been confused, what I would never get over and never forgive is being broken up with thru an email. Completely unacceptable! He's weak and heartless. I wouldn't even respond to that ridiculous email, and I would never speak to him again. Just my thoughts.

[basil67]

I very much understand why you're mad. Suggest you go 'no contact' and return his gift if you can.

[Cherryz]

Im sorry you have to go true this.

 

Doesnt matter what someone teLl you. Its about your own heart. So

you should look at the situation form a distance and make your own judgement if

this person is worth it or what he say can even be realistic also having ex wife drama......???!!!!!!!!

Maybe he wanted all of those good stuff but just see now that he cant and not ready.

 

Its hard to say how he should have contact you if you say you guys was not official.

But either way it would have been more decent of him to tell you personally.

Maybe when you more relax you can get a personal conversation with him for closer.

And tell him all of this and how you feel.

 

Maybe its always best to not enter nothing with no one that isnt ready. Like not having their life on rails or have ex drama.

Cause you cant fix them and its like the person continue his drama in your life to.

 

Dont just trust words. Make your own judgement. And listing to your love ones. Because often they see what you dont see or willing to acknowledge.

 

I dont know you guys and the whole situation. But it may be that he is so ashamed and hurt that he couldn't find the courage to tell you in person.

Maybe a bright side in all of this may be : He better told you now then lead you on much longer or all of this issues came out once you married.

At the end it hurts now. But be glad that it wasnt in a marriage or much more years you have wasted.

 

And i sure think you should contact him one more last time.

Just to get our of your chest all of this. Rather you do it true email or personal.

But personal in a relax environment where both can talk and express themselves would be better.

And after that. Start your healing process and move on. You dont have to be friends now. Maybe later once you stronger if you want to. All the best to you.

[kendahke]

Go no contact with him. Block him. He'll figure it out. Return the gift and use the money towards a fabulous spa day.

 

I wouldn't be his friend. That translates to him wanting to keep an eye on you and squat in your life without being a part of it and giving him a say-so which he doesn't have. If he cant' be with you 100%, then what's the point of friendship and you being in a holding pattern? He gets the benefits out of this deal--what do you get? Being alone during the holidays while he's off with his ex-wife and their unresolved mess.

 

I also don't get the relation between his ability to make money and your relationship. So, he can't make money, but he can deal with his ex wife? Something doesn't smell right.

 

Leave him be. Put him on block and let him to figure out his life. There is nothing more than needs to be said because nothing has been resolved since you initially posted this 2 hours ago.

Edited December 18, 2015 by kendahke

[Versacehottie]

From personal experience, I don't agree a break always means a break-up-sometimes it CAN mean just that- though one can lead to the one depending on how the other party reacts to the request. So one needs to keep one's cool and tread very carefully IMO.

 

I asked for genuine breaks during two relationships. In virtually both cases, I felt overwhelmed with the demands of my university course and genuinely didn't want to mess up what could potentially be good relationships with guys I really liked. One responded very well, was very understanding and supportive while the other took it personally, became quite irate since he didn't believe me or even respect my reasons. You can guess which one I resumed the relationship with.

 

 

So OP, I would certainly explore what he means when he says ' life is too complicated right now' and take it from there!

 

I agree with this. That said, what would worry me more is that he has spent a whole year being non-exclusive with you. Since you cannot control him and you can only control yourself, that's where you should put your efforts. Rather than try to figure out his underlying motives, etc, what he will do next, etc, do what's best for you. I'll tell you what by being SO agreeable to those sh*tty terms of dating which were one-sided to his way for a year, the last thing he will expect is for you to hold firm on what you want to react to his "break" email.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do a combo of being open-minded enough that something could happen in the future if he gets his sh*t together but protecting yourself first and foremost. As in do not invest anymore into him. Calmly tell him (i think email is fine since it's how he chose to tell you) that because you would not want to be with someone who is in his position, it's best for both of you to take the break. That you want someone who understands your value and wish him the best figuring things out for himself--in the meantime, however, you are going on with your life and friendship is nothing you are interested in at the moment. Then as hard as it is, do that. Get on with your life so you are not mad at yourself for wasting anymore time. If this guy comes around, and comes back with some grand gesture or a real offer, you can evaluate it at that time. In meantime, you don't "wait" for that possibility you live your life. And don't be down on yourself.

 

I don't want to give you false hope but I know several people who had to do exactly this to get their guys sorted out. One friend just had her guy come back after several months apart and it was very similar to your situation in that he took her for granted and was acting casual on the first round. Really though don't hang on because obviously a real break up looks exactly the same as a break where the person gets sorted out and comes back. There are no guarantees. That's why I said I would be most concerned that he took you for granted for an entire year. Your pattern as a couple and his opinion of who you are and your role may be pretty set and not in a good way. Well you wouldn't want it that way either to be honest. There's sometimes where not getting the guy is a blessing in disguise! Sometimes getting a "reset" is the best thing.

 

Definitely this one has counted on and taken advantage of your flexibility for a whole year; if you want something to be different be RADICALLY different--not what he is expecting or counting on. It's the best way to get some momentum out of the other person. You could be angry, mean and rude but like the poster I quoted I don't think it's necessary. If you want the option of him coming back and remind him of all that he is going to miss, it's smarter IMO to not give them anything to to rebel or be defensive against. Indifference. Indifference followed by no contact on your part shows that they just may have pushed it too far and are losing a good person. IMO, you can do that with your head held high and dignity for who you are by not stooping to bad behavior. Like I said, it's not necessary. It just keeps you hooked in waiting for a reaction or is a moment of temporary satisfaction for blowing off steam and then you still feel bad.

 

Plus it's important how you will end up characterizing this moment in your romantic life/your relationship with him AS IT REFLECTS ON YOU and will affect your recovery and future attitude toward guys. You "could" characterize it negatively OR you could take it for what it might be: he just might not be in place to give you what YOU need, which happens. It's unfortunate that he strung you along for a year but because you are flexible/see the best in people you were a willing participant. You can resolve to learn a little from this and not be as flexible in the future and be more vocal. You still wouldn't know if he could give you want you need and want--so let him go away, figure that out while you work on the one thing that YOU can do: find a more suitable and well timed match and don't let your tendency to be flexible or taken for granted get in the way of what you want again. Good luck

[katiegrl]

OK:

I'm going to condense this down.

 

One: By and large, there is no such thing as 'a' break.

What the general concensus of opinion will be, is that he wants a break - UP.

 

Two: If people have issues about where their lives are right now, and they have a partner, the usual practice is to discuss it, meet minds and work out a solution to the schedule and issue....

 

Three: The fact that he wants a break and that

is basically "I'm breaking up with you" talk.

What he's doing is entrenched in the mistaken belief that this is letting you down gently, preparing you and cushioning you for a fall...

 

Four: By doing it this way, he is essentially saying, "I want to be single right now, but please wait in the wings until I decide what I want to do with you. I don't want you dating anyone else; (although as a semi-free agent, I might find that opportunity comes up for me) no, I want you to hang around and be my friend, because I am kinda used to having you around, and you feel comfortable to lean on."

 

So this is what you do.

 

You reply in an email(!)

 

I agree to a break on the following conditions:

 

(1) We give this period a pre-determined period of time. I suggest, as Christmas is approaching (thanks for that, it feels very loving) we meet up on Saturday January 9th, 2016, at *such-and-such* a place at <time> to discuss precisely how 'complicated' your life is, and why it's hard to make time for a relationship".

 

(2) During this time, we agree to absolutely not see or date anyone else, at all. We stay faithful, and celibate (as if it needs saying, ha ha...)

 

(3) During this time, we remain in total No Contact. That way, I don't distract you, and you don't distract me. We can both stay focused on how to find ways to remedy and support this relationship.

 

(4) Please understand, whether this is a break or not, I am NOT your friend. I am your significant other, and the most important person in your life. I am your partner, lover, confidante and friend all rolled into one. To relegate me to a role of 'still staying friends' is disrespectful, and belittles what I have come to mean to you.

 

If the above is not to your liking, then tell me where it is inaccurate or unworkable

 

You do NOT single-handedly dictate how things are done in OUR relationship.

 

If that is indeed, what you still see it as.

 

^^Tara, I usually agree with your advice, but vehemently disagree vwith you here.

 

My advice -- block, ignore, delete, no contact, move on.

 

This bozo deserves not one nano-second of your time and energy, including a response.

 

I am sorry he turned out to be such a loser and that you're hurting.

 

hugs

[VeveCakes]

I feel like when life is hectic is the time you need your partner the most. If he is pushing you away during this time then he doesn't see you as that rock that comforts him in his life. I'm sorry

 

I agree with blocking, and NC. Don't waste another day waiting for this man.

[Mrin]

Dude here - I'll translate his actions and words for you: I want to date/shag someone else and I don't have the courage to tell you this to your face. So instead I'm going to send this email and only call for a "break" because I don't know if this other girl will work out. So I need to you just stay "on deck" while I try her out. Thanks.

 

This guy isn't worth a single ounce of your energy. Blow him off.

[Glitters]

Break = break up, most of the times. If life weighs in , best thing to do is , IMO, to talk it out and take it a bit slow , bring down everyday meetings to about 3 times , 10 hours together to 3 hours and the kind. This way , the connection stays , bonds strengthen , you get the space and the support. The balance is reached by cooperation. By breaking off for a period of time , it doesn't help long term.

[Bobbi7]

What's wrong with wanting a "break" anyway? He explained to her that he still wants to talk to her and if he's still communicating with her, what's he problem? Now, if he said that and he ignores her calls/messages during this break, then yeah, that's a problem..

[eleven]

Thanks everyone. I wasn't expecting so many responses. I really appreciate it. Reading all of this has really helped me cope.

 

I'm a little calmer now but still pretty upset about how everything went down.

 

I haven't replied to his email or contacted him in any way. I do want to for my own closure, but I'm too hurt to give him any form of consideration or communication. He hasn't tried contacting me either, so it is what it is.

[eleven]

I'm about to go to bed, but I figured I'd throw a post your way seeing as you're not sleeping.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with someone who can't prioritize and appreciate something good when they have it. I am getting incredibly frustrated with the lack of work and dedication so many people put into their own relationships. These bonds are incredible when you get them, and I hate losing them even when things are bad. So to read so many similar stories like this just discourages me to even try and put faith into someone else. It's just like the stove, you can touch it over and over and get burned just the same.

 

I would seriously not talk to him again if I was you. He wants to be friends, you don't, so just completely disappear.

 

Who knows if it will make him realize what he lost, but at least you will be controlling the process of healing for yourself. Good luck and try and get some sleep!

 

I absolutely agree with all of this. One of the reasons I'm so torn up is because we do have an amazing bond and a connection that we've both been looking for a long time. It's like he's just throwing all of that away now.

 

What's funny is he also always told me how lucky he feels to have found me, that I'm the best thing that's happened to him and the most positive influence he has had in his life and how he would be so foolish if he ever does anything to hurt a good woman like me. He said he was willing to put in the work and hold on to me because I and what we have is such a rare find.

 

Ha.

 

You are right, maybe he will realize what he lost, maybe he wont. But what matters is that I feel in complete control of things and my healing process.

[TaraMaiden2]

What's wrong with wanting a "break" anyway? He explained to her that he still wants to talk to her and if he's still communicating with her, what's he problem? Now, if he said that and he ignores her calls/messages during this break, then yeah, that's a problem..

 

Perhaps if you read the thread you'd understand better?

[eleven]

Sorry to hear this, OP. He even lacks the sensitivity and courage to tell you this to your face.

 

A year of a non-official relationship would not sit well with me. Despite his promises in the beginning, his actions (or lack thereof) demonstrated that he couldn't offer anything more.

 

I also wouldn't take his desire for friendship seriously. A lot of people say that to soften the blow of a breakup, even though they don't have serious intentions to follow through. It also would be a bad idea to build a friendship with someone like him.

 

I'm not sure I would respond at this point. Your silence will speak volumes. Donate/return/exchange thw Christmas gift. You deserve a heck of a lot more than someone who chooses the pussy-footed way out.

 

Yea, our being unofficial wasn't making me happy either, at least not the past couple months. At first I was okay with it because I am not in a hurry and my life is great with or without him. I also don't want to be committed to someone who isn't ready and can't fulfill my needs anyway. As long as we were exclusive and kept communication open was all that mattered to me. It wasn't until the past couple of months that I truly wanted and expected more, and maybe by me simply telling him that he felt pressured and that's what pushed him away and led to his wanting a break? Don't really care why either way, I know what I deserve and it's so much more than what he was giving me.

 

Knowing him, I do think he's serious about being friends because we have built a strong friendship and have always been there for one another. He thinks that by keeping that, we'd have an even more solid relationship after he fixes everything.

 

At the same time, I know I'd just be kidding myself because a friendship is not what I want and he'd just be reaping the benefits of having me around without the responsibility or commitment and that's a really ****ty deal for me.

 

And yup, complete silence from me. I've pretty much disappeared from his life.

[eleven]

OK:

I'm going to condense this down.

 

One: By and large, there is no such thing as 'a' break.

What the general concensus of opinion will be, is that he wants a break - UP.

 

Two: If people have issues about where their lives are right now, and they have a partner, the usual practice is to discuss it, meet minds and work out a solution to the schedule and issue....

 

Three: The fact that he wants a break and that

is basically "I'm breaking up with you" talk.

What he's doing is entrenched in the mistaken belief that this is letting you down gently, preparing you and cushioning you for a fall...

 

Four: By doing it this way, he is essentially saying, "I want to be single right now, but please wait in the wings until I decide what I want to do with you. I don't want you dating anyone else; (although as a semi-free agent, I might find that opportunity comes up for me) no, I want you to hang around and be my friend, because I am kinda used to having you around, and you feel comfortable to lean on."

 

Yes, yes, yes and YES. A 'break' is a cowardly, selfish move.

 

So this is what you do.

 

You reply in an email(!)

 

I agree to a break on the following conditions:

 

(1) We give this period a pre-determined period of time. I suggest, as Christmas is approaching (thanks for that, it feels very loving) we meet up on Saturday January 9th, 2016, at *such-and-such* a place at <time> to discuss precisely how 'complicated' your life is, and why it's hard to make time for a relationship".

 

(2) During this time, we agree to absolutely not see or date anyone else, at all. We stay faithful, and celibate (as if it needs saying, ha ha...)

 

(3) During this time, we remain in total No Contact. That way, I don't distract you, and you don't distract me. We can both stay focused on how to find ways to remedy and support this relationship.

 

(4) Please understand, whether this is a break or not, I am NOT your friend. I am your significant other, and the most important person in your life. I am your partner, lover, confidante and friend all rolled into one. To relegate me to a role of 'still staying friends' is disrespectful, and belittles what I have come to mean to you.

 

If the above is not to your liking, then tell me where it is inaccurate or unworkable

 

You do NOT single-handedly dictate how things are done in OUR relationship.

 

If that is indeed, what you still see it as.

Lol, I love this. If I felt like he deserves a response, I'd totally use this. Should add to (1) that my birthday is also approaching next week... feels very loving indeed....

 

In bold is also how I feel. This whole 'relationship,' I now realize, has totally been under his terms and control. I know this is also my fault by allowing it, but no more. It ends here. He doesn't get to decide anymore.

[eleven]

From personal experience, I don't agree a break always means a break-up-sometimes it CAN mean just that- though one can lead to the one depending on how the other party reacts to the request. So one needs to keep one's cool and tread very carefully IMO.

 

I asked for genuine breaks during two relationships. In virtually both cases, I felt overwhelmed with the demands of my university course and genuinely didn't want to mess up what could potentially be good relationships with guys I really liked. One responded very well, was very understanding and supportive while the other took it personally, became quite irate since he didn't believe me or even respect my reasons. You can guess which one I resumed the relationship with.

 

 

So OP, I would certainly explore what he means when he says ' life is too complicated right now' and take it from there!

 

Two things. First, I applaud you for putting your studies first, but this is very different from my situation. You didn't lead these men on and make promises you couldn't keep. You didn't disrespect them by initiating the "break" via email and ask them to be friends just so you can keep them around. You really did need this time to yourself to focus on school. You had a very legitimate reason, whereas this guy is making excuses. I already know what he means by life being too complicated, which is why I gave him time in the first place, and now it turns out 'time' wasn't enough either.

 

Second, I don't believe in breaks and maybe you feel differently about this. I think it's unfair to the other party. For reasons explained throughout this thread. If you have things to take care of, just break up and set the other person free. You don't get to ask them to sit and wait like a good girlfriend/boyfriend and leave them in a state of confusion and limbo while you get your life together.