Thinking of sending an email to the Ex

[TheLoveBelow92]

Ok guys...

 

I'm not going to do anything silly yet ... just gonna keep you guys in the loop as to my thinking process.

 

Been bit around 2 months NC.. broke up in Feb... probably had contact post BU about 5 times.

 

The issue I am having is that this NC business is really against my natural inklings. I am not a hard-headed alpha.. i am (or at least was) a sensitive guy who deals with things in my own way.

 

I have been feeling like MY SILENCE post BU and just giving the impression i'm coping withing reason has hindered my recovery.

 

Its bad enough to have had my heart broken... but I find myself taking a majority of the blame for the way things went down and this extra layer of thinking is what is really killing me.

 

I'm not totally sure what the email would contain but I mostly want to explain to her what was going on with me between 2012-2014 where I was faced with some personal issues. Basically what started it all off was my dog got deaf after a simple operation... made him get very nervous to a point that I could hardly leave my home except for work because he would howl and disturb the neighbours. This dog had been my great companion for many years and I didn't feel it was right to just put him down there and then. Anyway I wrestled with the idea of putting him down for a good year or two but always found a small reason to not do it. Anyway this whole situation stressed me out major and obviously affected out LDR I really did become a prisoner in my own home. I couldn't fly and see her much coz I needed to organise babysitters etc. Also... although I put on a front of being ok on the holidays.... I think she sensed something was troubling me.

 

Anyway, after this went on for about 2 years ... she broke it off middle of 2013.... but I managed to get a reconcilation by flying to see her unnanounced. I had to do this because I needed to show her I could be mobile and I was Still Me.... I was just stuck.... It definately had a short term impact but the core issues were still there. I ended up pushing on with the dog almost another year (mainly because I felt that her breakup attempt showed her hand and that it was likely to occur again at anytime... so i figured I might as well push on with the dog... ie not put the dog down on her account).

 

Anyway, the point is that I look back at those years and see that I was affected by a really huge issue and I Wasn't Me. And this aspect makes it much harder for me to accept the breakup. I will say that she pretty much just sat back and watched me drown.... i shielded the issue from her best I could.... I did not want it to be her problem.... i used to just called her every couple of weeks and make sure she was ok (sometimes I did tell her I wasn't doing well and told her I wasn't ringing regularly because i was just so stressed out). But when I look back, she washed her hands of the issue.... her only advise to me once was "Mark its your life, what will you do?"

 

My mistake was I pictured her as my life-ling partner. And since I was in an LDR and not causing her direct harm with my problem (ie dragging her into the depression), I naively thought we could survive it and I had so much time to think when I was stuck in my house.... I looked deep inside myself and knew exactly what I wanted and what I wanted to do once the dog issue was over. And this turned out to be true....once I finally put the dog down... I had an incredible energy for life and the relationship. Sadly this period only lasted 6 months before the final breakup. Also, in some regards that experience made me a stronger and better person... i learnt to deal with very high levels of stress and survive.

 

So yes.... now hat I have divulged by sad story on here... I'm not sure what I am going to do.

 

I know she is still has some level of attachment to the past based on a 4 hour phone call 2 months back. She definitely will read the email... I am certain of it.

 

Guys ... maybe I can't fix the relationship for the future but maybe with the correct type of engagement, I may be able unburden myself (and possibly her) of some of our regrets and questionable actions in the past.

 

I know for a lot of people... simply moving on and forgetting is how people do it. But I'm not sure if this method suits me.

 

I will admit that I still have a very warped and tiny hope of a reconciliation (like in a couple of years) which makes taking the gloves off completely a touch more complex.

 

I know most people will say wait it out till I have healed completely and then send the email blah blah. The thing is but..... that right now I believe she would receive it with a certain degree of interest. In another year or so.... I think the connection to the past would be too far gone.

 

Thanks for reading.....

 

I will keep you guys informed.

 

P.S. I would also let her know I do not expect or even want a reply (i dont need any new info to process anyway)

 

I did, kind of regret but it helped knowing its done. She told me shes going away this weekend with her new fella she met 6 weeks after we broke up although she said " you ruined men for me" and told me how good her life is and how the new guy met her parents and all this was happening while for months I was holding out for hope going to therapy on meds for anxiety and depression while she walked away like nothing ever happened or we never existed, she made a story up in her mind to justify the split and still believes it because it helped her move on.

 

I still care more than I should for her even tho I shouldnt, but hey love is unpredictable and never goes the way one would imagine. you learn tho but only you know what to do and no one can stop you. maybe you need an answer weather thats silence or just to show she doesnt care or that maybe she does. All we can do is what we can weather its right or wrong.

 

I wish you all the best my friend

[Amelie1980]

Your ex is not waiting at home for your return, she is having wild sex with new guys who didn't make a pity party out of their dogs.

She doesn't care about making things up with you, she left you when you were weak, and she will leave you again the next time you are weak.

 

Man up and move on.

 

This. It's a dog not an ill child.

 

All those procedures inflicting unnecessary suffering and pain on an animal who doesn't understand why and then he goes deaf. You shouldnt have lined the vets pockets.

 

Compared to life stresses it's not major. If it was you or a parent going through surgery or deafness.

[BC1980]

Actually I will listen. Ive been NC long enough to know I need to listen. But Im pointing out that the total NC approach for me is feeling somewhat strange.... I just feel like I have been containing myself as opposed to letting it out.

 

So you feel the need to express yourself, which is completely normal. But she is not the one to whom you should express your feelings and realizations. The biggest reason is that she will not care to really understand where you are coming from. She would find it difficult to understand why you feel the way you do, so any contact with her will likely result in you feeling completely minimized and misunderstood. I think what people fail to understand is that when a relationship ends, your ex is the last person in the world that has any motive to understand where you are coming from or to listen to you lament about where things went wrong. We all have our own ideas about why it ended and where to lay the blame, and those ideas usually don't coincide with an ex's ideas.

 

I think you'd be better served to vent on this forum or to friends/family/therapist. Those are the people who will have empathy and be in your corner. An ex doesn't want to hear you talk about the relationship because it's uncomfortable, can cause guilt, and make them feel sorry for you. Most people are trying to avoid those feelings and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just skimmed your previous threads, OP.

 

Go back and re-read them if you need more reason not to try to get in touch with her again.

 

She is done, and has been for a while now. She isn't going to put much consideration into any email you send because she's already moved on. It will probably make her feel guilty and sorry that you're still struggling but that's about it.

 

The dog wasn't the only factor here. 10 years is just far too long for a long-distance relationship, especially one in which one partner (ie. you) shuts down and drops out of contact for weeks when stressed. It didn't have legs anymore.

 

And that's ok. A combination of factors led to the demise of this relationship, it seems. See what you can learn about yourself from this experience and how to apply those lessons in future relationships.

[VeveCakes]

I read the original post, I got the jist of the dog thing. I have 5 dogs, 1 is deaf, I know what its like. One is also epileptic. I also have 5 horses and run a small horse farm, am recently divorced and deal with all the stresses of work, animals, love and live on a daily basis. Ever had animals to care for when its -38 and all the water is frozen?? Just a taste of the daily life lol.

 

My point was that in life things like this happen ALL THE TIME. What about when your parents age and need help? What if you suffered a serious illness or injury? Anything can happen, you have to be able to cope with the bad things in life and not have it effect your relationship to this extreme.

[Blanco]

Emotionally unavailable and not there for you in your times of need. Nothing more needs to be said. This would not change, even if she took you back. Unless you spend your days robbing newsstands, you deserve better.

[Qboro90]

Your reasoning behind you becoming distant and depressed in your relationship due to the circumstances surrounding your dog seem so minor and completely unnecessary to keep hidden from her whatsoever. If you couldn't confide in her the nature of how this wa affecting you then why were you with her so long in the first place and why would you want to reconcile now? Personally I want to be with something who I can trust with anything and everything I go through or encounter in my life because that's the whole point in dating someone and having a partner in life.

 

The fact that you were in a LdR with her for so long is concerning. You weren't in a real relationship. It's understandable to deal with a LdR for a year, maybe 2/3 if you both know that's temporary and there's an end date where you'll be back living together or at least in the same city. You stayed in this for 6 years with no end in sight. Why? What was the whole point? Maybe you both just liked a person you could call your BF/gf and go on periodic vacations with but for all intents and purposes you were not in a committed relationship whatsoever.

 

Definitely do not send the email. You come across as weak and way to much to deal with at this point in her life. At your age id hope you're mature enough to understand that and get how it might be interpreted by others. Even if you feel it is right, when everyone else you've asked tells you it's not the thing to do, then it's not the thing to do.

 

If you feel like she needs an explanation or you want to talk to her, then be mature, be a man and call the girl. That's how you express personal emotions and get her to understand. She's never going to be able to feel the emotion you put into an email. You might write it and think it sounds a certain way in your head , but she doesn't know that and will just read it in black and white.

[DontBreakEven]

I sent the all-said-not-to-send email last weekend and it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. So much clarity come out of it (sh*tty clarity, but clarity nonetheless), and now I feel that I can finally move on.

[marky00]

Your reasoning behind you becoming distant and depressed in your relationship due to the circumstances surrounding your dog seem so minor and completely unnecessary to keep hidden from her whatsoever. If you couldn't confide in her the nature of how this wa affecting you then why were you with her so long in the first place and why would you want to reconcile now? Personally I want to be with something who I can trust with anything and everything I go through or encounter in my life because that's the whole point in dating someone and having a partner in life.

 

 

Hmmmm. she didn't want to know.... she was emotionally unavailable to most things... especially things concerning me.

 

Of course I kept her in the loop... but she didn't care for the details or how it was affecting me so I pretty much sucked it up put her back out of the loop.

 

I was always the one that opened up.. i shared my life , family etc with her. I was honest , upfront and always considered her well being.

 

Whenever I ran into an issue of any kind... she pretty much wasn't interested.

[Qboro90]

Hmmmm. she didn't want to know.... she was emotionally unavailable to most things... especially things concerning me.

 

Of course I kept her in the loop... but she didn't care for the details or how it was affecting me so I pretty much sucked it up put her back out of the loop.

 

I was always the one that opened up.. i shared my life , family etc with her. I was honest , upfront and always considered her well being.

 

Whenever I ran into an issue of any kind... she pretty much wasn't interested.

 

So what makes you think she'll be interested in anything you have to say now regarding what you were going through while you two were dating?

If you know it won't do anything and you know she's not going to reach out to you by reading it then what's the point for you to send it? Sounds like it's more of a therapeutic thing you feel you need to get off your chest, but you can do that without exposing yourself with an email. Remember, as soon as you send it, you cannot control what's done with the contents or who's eyes see it so that's not something I recommend putting out there. Especially if there's nothing expected to come out of it

[ExpatInItaly]

Hmmmm. she didn't want to know.... she was emotionally unavailable to most things... especially things concerning me.

 

Of course I kept her in the loop... but she didn't care for the details or how it was affecting me so I pretty much sucked it up put her back out of the loop.

 

I was always the one that opened up.. i shared my life , family etc with her. I was honest , upfront and always considered her well being.

 

Whenever I ran into an issue of any kind... she pretty much wasn't interested.

 

So why would you consider opening up to her again? She isn't going to be interested now either.

[Amelie1980]

I sent the all-said-not-to-send email last weekend and it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. So much clarity come out of it (sh*tty clarity, but clarity nonetheless), and now I feel that I can finally move on.

 

That's because you found out your ex was lying about everything she told you. That's why you got clarity.

 

In this case he ALREADY knows that she found another guy. What is there to gain by it further contact?

 

A LDR of thousands of miles doesnt even involve the expectation you see them often. All you have to do is text, call, Skype often to maintain it.

 

A sick dog made him emotionally distanced and stressed so he couldnt even keep up texting calling skyping or act normally.

 

I understand pets mean alot to people but a dog having procedures and going deaf being a major life stress factor meaning you cannot pay attention by text / phone to someone who lives abroad ....I would think it was a joke or an excuse.

 

Maybe that's why she wasn't that interested in what you had to say.

Edited December 19, 2015 by Amelie1980